It’s strangely something I can relate to. I’ve noticed a lot of pains in my arm the past year. And eventually pinned it down to the effect of constantly clutching my fingers together to hold on my (too big) wedding ring.
Or, I hope that’s what it is. Oh God, this better not be foreshadowing.
“The One With the Double Wedding”
Fresh from the wedding last week, and we’re already planning the next one. Chandler and Monica’s!
They’re really hitting on something here. It was certainly my experience when getting married that women have been planning their wedding for a very long time. Men? Not so much.
True to type, Monica gets out all her schematics and they set to work. Only one problem, how to fund it?! Incidentally, if there’s one group who WOULD easily be able to host a wedding of less than fifteen people, it’s my incredibly insular Friends™.
The obvious first port of call is Monica’s parents. You’d think their coffers would have run dry after all of Ross’s weddings. What do you mean it’s usually the parents of the bride who pay so that joke doesn’t work? Shut up, let me have this one.
Speaking of having one, I want whatever Chandler is having.
Anyway, it turns out the Gellar’s spent Monica’s wedding fund on a beach house. Lucky/selfish bastards. [Delete as appropriate] But nice to see them regardless. It’s been what? Nine months? The last time was “The One When Ross Got High” Although, based on his recent behaviour, I don’t think he ever stopped getting high.
Phoebe’s confronting Ross at the college for giving one of her clients a massage. Hang on, wasn’t Ross fired? Have I invented a whole story in my head based on what would happen now? I guess I really did imagine that...
It’s a bit of a convoluted set-up, so bare with me here. But Phoebe’s been staying at Ross’s for a few days AND having her clients round for massages. But what’s really fucking nuts here is when a hot woman comes round Ross pretends to be a masseuse to get his filthy hands on her! Jesus. This man should not be allowed around students.
Thankfully he immediately gets his "comeuppance" when it turns out the lady is actually booking for her gross dad. But, seriously Ross. Did you have to go through with it????
In other, slightly more sexy, news. Joey discovered a book in Rachel’s room of a slightly different nature to the book they last shared, which, of course, ended up in the freezer for being too sad. It’s a porn book! Rachel must really be getting frustrated. Though, as things go, getting a saucy book is far better than desperately hitting on Ross.
The reason Joey found the book was the Duck threw up everywhere. Sadly, this is the last time we will see the duck. I can only assume the pot of Rachel’s face cream it ate turned out to be far more toxic than it first seemed. Maybe sometimes you SHOULD test cosmetics on animals first.
1997 - 2000
(And again 2018 - 2021)
We left the wedding a little early last time, as my wife was feeling exhausted after a week of childcare. We went and checked into the Travelodge. And as my wife slipped into bed I realised something. After a year of lockdown, I was NOT READY to stop PARTYING.
After ensuring she was OK with it, I tucked her in and made my way back to the wedding, a mere 25 minute walk away. Hell I’d get another hour out of it! And at least one more drink. Maybe I could get one of those pink things Chandler was drinking?
Excitement gripped me, and a thought struck me “I bet I could shave off ten minutes if I ran this”. I sped off to the venue, a floppy haired man in a suit running, like Forest Gump™, through a quiet market town. Past the traffic lights, past the slug and lettuce, and past… hoo, actually, I think that’s enough…
Wow… Running is so much harder when you’re pissed!
I walked the remaining twenty minutes, making it in time for one last drink with Monica Number 2 before the night was over, and before they disappeared back off abroad to Yemen. Totally worth it.