Yesterday was Joey Number Fours. Like Joey he has a thing for big holes. Steady on. I mean, digging them. He always wanted to dig a big hole for his stag do.
We made all the plans, booked a camping trip by the beach. Sourced the shovels and spades. And then, the day before, the owner of the AirBnB™ cancelled because of trouble with the council.
Something to do with the presence of unauthorised yurts.
It was a big shame not to be able to make it happen. So Joey remains my only friend who’s dug a big hole. Wait. Unless you count all the people I studied Archaeology with. Damn.
“The One With Chanica’s Wedding”
But we did have a great stag for Joey Number Four (UNLIKE CHANDLER WHO SKIPPED HIS). And the wedding yesterday was glorious. Even as I grappled with the embarrassment of wearing a dress.
Like with the friend at my wedding, people were pretty cool with it. Complimenting the look with, I’d say, a 30/70 split of sarcasm and genuineness. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which way the split fell.
But I still felt a bit uneasy, like I was drawing too much attention to myself. I honestly didn’t have a choice! is what I protested, as my wife gave me death stares in the car on the way there. It’s fair to say she took it the worst. Perhaps the feelings of being “upstaged” at her own wedding were still too raw?
Still, not a single person emulated Nora Bing and commented on me having too much penis. Truly, that is progress.
It’s hard to belief it’s been six and half years since she kissed Ross. Now she’ll be Ross’s sister’s mother-in-law. And here we are waiting for Chanica’s wedding and we find out Chandler’s non-biological mum ALSO hit on Ross in the past! What is it about Ross that makes him so appealing to them? Maybe they relate to the divorcee energy?
We’ve, so far, managed to keep the news that Chandler is AWOL away from Monica. We weren’t so successful with my sister at her wedding. My brother-in-law wasn’t AWOL; we just went out the night before for a few drinks. And stayed a bit too late. Leading to an increasingly antsy bride.
There’s lots of weird little things like that going through my head, as I sit here in the dress waiting for Chandler (and Joey!) to show up.
Chandler’s Mum Number One comments about Chandler’s Mum Number Two wearing her wedding dress after the wedding. I DID THAT. OK, I’m beginning to see why my mate thought it was appropriate to wear a dress at my wedding.
Judy Gellar just had a word though. She’s not happy about my dress. But Jack seems to be into it.
Oh yes! Chandler’s back. Ross and Phoebe found him in his office and convinced him it was all last minute nerves. He accidentally found out Monica’s pregnant too. But a tiny baby grow in the venues gift shop made him realise it's cool.
“Anything that fits into something this small couldn’t be scary.” Ho boy, Chandler, if only you knew.
So the ceremony’s starting. With a Greek Orthodox minister in place of Joey. That Gary Oldman’s got a lot to answer for.
Oh wait he’s here! Joey to the rescue.
Is this a rescue? Oh no, he’s getting everything in the wrong order. And, now he’s gone and told Monica about Chandler going missing. For fuck sake, Joey.
Poor Monica, this really can’t be all she hoped for?
They really trusted Joey and he’s totally fucked it. I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married?
Ah well, it’s over now, at least we get cake!
Like yesterday, due to my son’s young age, we’re the only people with a baby at the wedding. So everyone’s crowding round and heaping attention on us. Or maybe that’s my dress?
Well, not the only people, it’s just the other person has the baby inside of them, not in a pram. But Monica’s denying all knowledge of it.
You mean, the pregnancy test is someone else’s?! This is too much. I gaze around the room. Oh my God Rachel’s looking shifty.
I’m just relieved it’s her and not my wife.
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
In the end, despite the double weddings, both were quite short, ceremony wise. Monica and Chandler’s can’t have been more than twenty-two minutes.
But the weirdest thing is Joey Number Four’s wedding ALSO had a friend officiating. Complete with a costume store robe. And, get this... his name is JOE.
I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married or not.
Now, if you’ll please excuse me, my head hurts, I think I need a lie down. And I’m not sure it’s from the alcohol.