Sometimes it feels like life is moving too fast.

Only yesterday I was at a wedding and here’s another one.

Yesterday was Joey Number Fours. Like Joey he has a thing for big holes. Steady on. I mean, digging them. He always wanted to dig a big hole for his stag do.

We made all the plans, booked a camping trip by the beach. Sourced the shovels and spades. And then, the day before, the owner of the AirBnB™ cancelled because of trouble with the council.

Something to do with the presence of unauthorised yurts.

It was a big shame not to be able to make it happen. So Joey remains my only friend who’s dug a big hole. Wait. Unless you count all the people I studied Archaeology with. Damn.
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“The One With Chanica’s Wedding”

But we did have a great stag for Joey Number Four (UNLIKE CHANDLER WHO SKIPPED HIS). And the wedding yesterday was glorious. Even as I grappled with the embarrassment of wearing a dress.

Like with the friend at my wedding, people were pretty cool with it. Complimenting the look with, I’d say, a 30/70 split of sarcasm and genuineness. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which way the split fell.

But I still felt a bit uneasy, like I was drawing too much attention to myself. I honestly didn’t have a choice! is what I protested, as my wife gave me death stares in the car on the way there. It’s fair to say she took it the worst. Perhaps the feelings of being “upstaged” at her own wedding were still too raw?
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Still, not a single person emulated Nora Bing and commented on me having too much penis. Truly, that is progress.

It’s hard to belief it’s been six and half years since she kissed Ross. Now she’ll be Ross’s sister’s mother-in-law. And here we are waiting for Chanica’s wedding and we find out Chandler’s non-biological mum ALSO hit on Ross in the past! What is it about Ross that makes him so appealing to them? Maybe they relate to the divorcee energy?

We’ve, so far, managed to keep the news that Chandler is AWOL away from Monica. We weren’t so successful with my sister at her wedding. My brother-in-law wasn’t AWOL; we just went out the night before for a few drinks. And stayed a bit too late. Leading to an increasingly antsy bride.

There’s lots of weird little things like that going through my head, as I sit here in the dress waiting for Chandler (and Joey!) to show up.

Chandler’s Mum Number One comments about Chandler’s Mum Number Two wearing her wedding dress after the wedding. I DID THAT. OK, I’m beginning to see why my mate thought it was appropriate to wear a dress at my wedding.

Judy Gellar just had a word though. She’s not happy about my dress. But Jack seems to be into it.

Oh yes! Chandler’s back. Ross and Phoebe found him in his office and convinced him it was all last minute nerves. He accidentally found out Monica’s pregnant too. But a tiny baby grow in the venues gift shop made him realise it's cool.

“Anything that fits into something this small couldn’t be scary.” Ho boy, Chandler, if only you knew.

So the ceremony’s starting. With a Greek Orthodox minister in place of Joey. That Gary Oldman’s got  a lot to answer for.

Oh wait he’s here! Joey to the rescue.

Is this a rescue? Oh no, he’s getting everything in the wrong order. And, now he’s gone and told Monica about Chandler going missing. For fuck sake, Joey.

Poor Monica, this really can’t be all she hoped for?
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They really trusted Joey and he’s totally fucked it. I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married?

Ah well, it’s over now, at least we get cake!

Like yesterday, due to my son’s young age, we’re the only people with a baby at the wedding. So everyone’s crowding round and heaping attention on us. Or maybe that’s my dress?

Well, not the only people, it’s just the other person has the baby inside of them, not in a pram. But Monica’s denying all knowledge of it.
 
You mean, the pregnancy test is someone else’s?! This is too much. I gaze around the room. Oh my God Rachel’s looking shifty.

​You think Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant?!

I’m just relieved it’s her and not my wife.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

In the end, despite the double weddings, both were quite short, ceremony wise. Monica and Chandler’s can’t have been more than twenty-two minutes.

But the weirdest thing is Joey Number Four’s wedding ALSO had a friend officiating. Complete with a costume store robe. And, get this... his name is JOE.

I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married or not.

Now, if you’ll please excuse me, my head hurts, I think I need a lie down. And I’m not sure it’s from the alcohol.

Chandler and Monica’s wedding is tomorrow! But we’ve been too busy celebrating our own anniversary to get excited.

I say “busy celebrating”. We ate a Hello Fresh™ box, and took the kids to the beach. Such is married life once the kids enter. We did mark the occasion with a few bottles of wine. Which was tremendous after not drinking all year (bar a few special occasions). Man I missed a glass of red. It’s getting harder to resist returning to my old ways. But I think I can keep up the heavily reduced drinking. Until Christmas at least.

The way you feel the next day is a pretty hefty reminder of the cost. I haven’t missed that. Can’t believe it used to be my default state. Still I’m gona treat myself to a couple more at Mondler’s wedding, and at Joey Number Four’s, which is also this weekend. Weddings weddings weddings. Must be the time of year.

Before then, some coffee. As we try and recover in time for the weddings.

Monica: “You do realise this is the last time we’ll be together as six single people.”

Errm. Excuse me, Monica. First of all, there are seven of us. But, also, I’m already married, and you and Chandler have been going steady for ages. OR HAVE YOU FORGOT.

Also I’m pretty sure Phoebe’s dating that guy who wears knickers.

Later, Ross took Chandler aside “I’m speaking to you now not as a friend, but as Monica’s brother, if you EVER cause her any unhappiness…”

You’d think Ross, of all people, would have a better understanding of what marriage is like. If brothers (and sisters) beat people up every time someone caused their spouse unhappiness, society would grind to a halt in a whirlwind of blood feuds.

“The One With Mondler’s Wedding”

We went to the rehearsal dinner for Mondler’s wedding. It was quite a weird experience. In the UK we’re not used to doing this. I’m not sure if this is because we have more faith in things going right the first time, or we enjoy the chaos of things going wrong at weddings. The popularity of Eastenders™ would suggest the latter.

At the rehearsal dinner we caught up with Chandler’s mom. But which one… Well, both. But I mean his biological mother, last seen six and a half years ago!

Man the time flies.

Like me a few weeks back, Jack Gellar (gotta love that man…) is a bit confused whether to call Helena Handbasket Chandler’s mum or dad. But not as confused as Judy Gellar, who seems to be besotted with Gunther. Poor woman. Have we tested her for dementia lately?

The vicious sparring between Chandler’s parents did make me realise why he’s such a commitment-phobe (commitment-Phoebe?): “Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that” is a particularly unpleasant thing to say. And left us all feeling awkward. With our 21st Century morals.

Joey couldn’t make the rehearsal dinner (not like him to miss a dinner) as he’s off shooting a mooo-vey.​

It’s set in World War 1, which my American friends know very little about. Don’t they teach them anything in their schools? In the UK we learn all about WW1, and WW2. And at that point, British history stops, with the brief exception of one month in 1966.

I can hardly talk, I didn’t even find out the US joined WW1 until a few years back. (Well, I say joined…)

But the Brits and Americans are joined together once more! Not just for the wedding, Joey’s working with a Brit. It’s only GARY BLOODY OLDMAN.

What a legend.

But he stuffs things up for Joey! After a little lesson in the importance of spitting as an actor, he gets horrendously drunk and can’t finish their scene. OH NO. Joey’s going to miss the wedding?!?!

That’s not all. Back at the flat after the rehearsal, we notice Chandler’s done a runner. After, quite sweetly, saying to Monica he always thought something stupid would come along and make him freak out, but it never did. Sadly no longer true, after he hears Monica’s new answer-phone message, which reminds him his surname is BING. You’d think he would have already thought about them sharing a surname.

Like him I felt something stupid would ruin things before my wedding, but never had that big moment of freaking out. And here we are four years later!

The search for Chandler threw up another shocking moment; we found a positive pregnancy test in Monica’s bathroom! The poor woman. How could he do this to her??

Fortunately the wedding is tomorrow, so there’s still time to find him. But I won’t be able to help as it’s time to go to Joey Number Four’s Wedding!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

After the rehearsal dinner we headed home to get ready. Thanks to the absence of Monica at the planning stage it promised to be a much more relaxed affair.

On the way back, I was thinking about my friend. The one who wore the dress at my wedding. And Chandler’s parent at the rehearsal dinner, looking fabulous, complete with a pearl necklace borrowed from Monica.

Something isn’t right here.

What if there isn’t a male in a dress at this wedding??

There’s only one thing for it.

I’m going to have to take up the baton. The tradition must continue!
​
So, I got ready in one of my wife’s dresses. Trying to keep it stylish and not going overboard as my mate had managed four years ago. (After all, you don’t want to draw any focus from the bride!)
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I can only hope it’s taken in good spirits. And that no-one says to me “don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that”.

We remembered this week that Monica has a Porsche™ now! And she’s been letting us all have a go.

With the exception of Rachel who is a terrible driver.

Still, not as bad as my sister. She recently thought she had a flat tyre, but because it was night time, just kept on driving till she got home. Fortunately it turned out it wasn’t a flat. Though I’m not sure not being able to tell makes her a better or worse driver...

But, hey, she’s not going round joyriding like Rachel. Who not only steals a ride (!!!!) but also $20 from Ross’s wallet. What the hell Rachel??

Elsewhere we had a bit of ‘Knicker Swapper Glory’ (yes I am proud of that) when Joey noticed Phoebe’s new BF was wearing her knickers.

She attacked Joey for not being confident enough in his masculinity to try it, and I sat there in awkward silence.

Obviously he did then try it. Only to be told to stop by Phoebe when she thought he was getting a bit too into it. And I sat there in awkward silence.
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“The One With Chandler’s Mum?”

What even happened this week? We had Rachel being a thief, Joey ramping up the toxic masculinity, Phoebe kink shaming, and Chandler being straight up homo/transphobic about his dad. Who is a successful Vegas drag queen and (thanks to Chandler) not invited to the wedding.

As Chandler put it “It’s all very Cats in the Cradle, I don’t want to get into it.”
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I love that song. 

Even if the ending makes no sense:
Man complains he spent his whole life neglecting his kids and then when his son won't spend time with him (because his kids are ill!) the man concludes "well, I guess he's grown up just like me." What?

The only person that was cool this week was Monica who took Chandler to task for his attitude, and we did get to laugh at his insecurity.

I can get why, growing up in the 80s, it must have been difficult for him having his dad show up in drag to school events. But is that any reason to ostracise his dad as an adult? Hrrm, someone who wears drag who presents as a woman even when not performing? If only there was a word for that…
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Also, here’s a thing. Chandler’s pronoun use with his dad is clearly completely atrocious. But also, if your dad comes out as trans do they not become your mum?

I’ve never seen this done, and it feels a little odd, but if you have a daughter who comes out you start referring to them as son. So surely we should be saying this is Chandler’s mum?

It’s also pretty fucked that we all went to Vegas two years ago, and no-one even mentioned Chandler’s parent! I’d have loved to have seen their show. It looks like an absolute blast. Presumably, usually, it isn’t completely ruined by Chandler attempting to storm out, and awkwardly reuniting with his parent before inviting them to the wedding.

It’s hard not to feel sorry for Helena Handbasket here (what a great drag name…) although if I were them I’d probably be more annoyed about the show being ruined!

Anyway, there’s only two weeks left till the wedding now. Exciting. But how come Chandler hasn’t had a stag party?? I hope he hasn’t done one without inviting me!
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Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Coincidentally, we had some gender-fluidity at our own wedding. One of my best male friends showed up in a very pretty dress by surprise. Much to my wife’s horror.

To clarify, this wasn’t full drag, I thought it was quite a tasteful choice, and didn’t pull much focus other than being a bit of a talking point. Mostly due to the beard, and as they’ve never identified as anything other than a man, and continue to do so.
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When I questioned him on why, he replied in his usual style “well, I was thinking about it, and eventually came to the conclusion that it would be wrong” (given my past of crossdressing at fancy dress parties) “if there WASN’T a man in a dress at your wedding. So I thought you’d appreciate it.”
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And you know what? He was completely right. And every time I look at the photos I smile for someone understanding me so well, and caring so much more about me than what other people think about them.

Not long now! Just four weeks till the wedding. (Let’s hope I can keep up…)

Chandler and Monica are struggling to write their vows.

I have to say, it was a lot easier for us given the Civil Service “Cookie Cutter” approach the registrars in the UK take.

You just have the same ten bits, with each one having a few options. Like going through a dialogue tree in a videogame. Unfortunately, much like a videogame, this means I now want to play again so I can see if the story is affected by making different choices.

Who knows what might have been if we’d chosen to promise ever closer union rather than respect together and apart? Hang on, sorry, now I’m not sure if I’m talking about my wedding or Brexit…

One of the nice things about weddings, once you’re married yourself, is the vows do remind you of your own. A great opportunity to hold hands and think about how much you mean to each other as you watch another friend get married (in this case, most recently “Dr Phalange”).

My New York friends are in a reflective mood as well, reminiscing about what led Chandler and Monica to this point.

Seeing all the photos/videos is a weird experience. The first time I’ve ever looked at the Friends and thought “woah, they look younger than me…”

It’s quite unnerving.

“The One Where I Impress My Child”

So what did we look back on? (As my wife left the room, muttering something about “clip shows being rubbish”)

Well, there was the one where I did DIY.

The time I got in trouble for referring to my wife as Janice (and went on my honeymoon…)

The time we went on a dance with Mr Treeger. 

When I accidentally mowed the dirt. 

Going to yet more weddings. 

Another time I did some DIY. 

Recovering from the Rona. 

And going back through Facebook to see what I was doing in the past…

OK.

Maybe my wife has a point? You look backwards too often, you miss what’s happening right now. And everyone feels a little cheated.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We’ve taken the big step towards potty training, so every time our child goes to the toilet you have to make a HUGE deal out of it. Lavishing them with praise, and stickers, and chocolate buttons.

Out for a meal at a restaurant I took her with me to the bathroom as we both needed to go.

In the cubicle, I realised my needs were a bit more substantial than I first thought. But, hey, this is a great opportunity for some learning! Fixing her dead in the eye I explained I was doing a poo. Hey, if she can stare at me whenever she does it, why can’t I repay the favour?

When the moment had passed, I explained again.

“Daddy just did a poo on the toilet.”

Cue my child loudly clapping her hands and exclaiming “He did it! He did it!!”

Sure, super cute, but I swear she had a sarcastic glint in her eye. Must have been thinking “finally, some payback.”

​The boys are fighting over tuxedos.
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Chandler is excited to get one for his wedding worn by Val Kilmer, but Ross HAD to outdo him and get one worn by James Bond!

I’m surprised MI6 makes that available to the public. You’d think they’d keep it hush hush. I suppose they’re less strict these days, licensing their man with the License to Kill™ to all things; from car adverts to visits to the Queen for Olympic ceremonies.

The wedding draws ever closer, along with a few others this summer. Looking at the people I know I think this might be the last big summer of weddings. We’ve now got FOUR weddings (and hopefully no funerals). But after this most people will be married. The outliers are the Friends™; four of them are still single! Hopefully Ross won’t spend too much time online and get sucked into the incel movement.

Joey’s kicked up a fuss because his parents weren’t invited to the wedding. I’m a bit surprised, given he’s barely mentioned them for six years.

Fortunately Monica’s a dab hand at organising things; this seating plan will take care of itself in no time! It takes me right back to the fun of doing my own.

I really enjoyed doing a wedding seating plan. Like doing a sudoko puzzle, but instead of numbers that can’t be next to each other it’s people who hate each other.

 “The One With Four Weddings and a Funeral”

The other big news is Rachel kissed a girl!

If you can call “Person Kisses a Member of the Same Sex at Uni” news. I’m pretty sure at this point it’s on the syllabus. Right after “drink a pint of snakebite”.

The way everyone reacted you’d think they’d had a few pints of snakebite themselves. (Looking at you Joey…)

It came out after Rachel bumped into an old sorority sister at Central Perk™. If you thought it was weird Ross’s cousin looked like Denise Richards you won’t believe this! The sorority sister is the spitting image of Winona Ryder!! (Stealing every scene she’s in, amongst other things…)

She’s in full denial about anything happening, which made for a rather awkward catch-up meal with Rachel and Phoebe. Phoebe, as usual, made things more awkward. She must have been feeling left out so made up a story about a certain ‘Regina Phalange’ who was in a sorority with her.

Honestly, so embarrassing when people pretend they’re friends with people who aren’t real.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A chance for another character to shine in my life for once. (Who said we can’t have some diversity in a story told solely from a white middle-class mans perspective…)

This week my wife made a fool of herself. Scrolling idly through Facebook™, she accidentally clicked ‘attending’ on a funeral shared by an acquaintance.

Absolutely mortified by it (and the thought she may be compelled to attend the funeral of someone she’s never met) she did what any right-minded person would do in that situation.

And immediately unfriended the acquaintance.

​We’re getting closer to Mondler’s big day. And she demanded a bridal shower after Phoebe and Rachel forgot to throw her one!

My wife shot me a knowing glance. Even without a handy pandemic excuse, I missed giving her a baby shower the second time round too. I didn’t think that was a thing in the UK! (We can’t spend all our time in New York.)

She gave me loads of hints. Apparently. I never noticed. Must have been too wrapped up in the excitement of Chanica’s impending nuptials.

“The One With the Farty Bath”

Speaking of wrapping things up (you’ll see). We went to see Estelle this week. I didn’t say anything to Joey. But something seemed a bit strange about her. She didn’t seem quite… real? Like a woman in a costume. These theatre types. So odd.

Joey’s been cast in a film by the Next Next Scorsese™. I’m sure he’s a wonderful director. Just no-one ask him to direct a Marvel™ film.

The only problem was the director demanded full historic accuracy, but wanted to cast the fully circumcised Joey, in a non-circumcised part. Which you wouldn’t think would be a problem, but the role also demanded some FULL FRONTAL action.

I’m a bit confused why Joey’s circumcised. I didn’t press the question, but a quick Google™ informs me it’s common in the US for gentiles to be circumcised too. Those crazy Yanks. One day they love a bit of violence against babies, and the next they’re making it illegal. Like a lot of people I’m absolutely horrified by the recent news from America regarding abortion. The last thing the world needs now is more Americans.

Getting away from politics (thank the lord, I hear you cry). Monica decided to help Joey out, by crafting a fake foreskin out of sandwich meats. Am I the only one who thinks she shouldn’t be doing something so private with another man so close to her wedding? Perhaps it’s lack of sex impacting her judgement… Chandler and her have agreed to wait until their wedding night. Foregoing the usual tradition of having sex up to and including that point, then having kids and never doing it again.

Someone who has consistently poor judgment is Phoebe. She constantly misjudges social situations, accidentally comes across as rude, or says the wrong thing. I don’t know why it’s never occurred to me before, do you think she may be neuro-atypical? I wonder if anyone’s ever posited this theory before? I’m no expert, but these days diagnosing characters in things is almost as popular as diagnosing yourself with something.

I’d be very interested to know the thoughts of someone more informed on the topic! Though suspect fair warning would be made of the dangers of pop-diagnosis, particularly for someone with a difficult upbringing.

Another person who hasn’t had sex for ages is Ross.

Which is unfortunate for him as he’s hosting his hot cousin at the moment. Who’s now all grown up.

​Cassie, who’s the spitting image of Denise Richards, seems nice enough. More unfortunate for her, if anything, as Ross tries to kiss her after a bottle of wine!!

EKK.

Happy to say, kissing a cousin is something I have never tried to do.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Now that things have calmed down a bit with the new baby, I finally got a chance to spend some quality time with my favourite female!

I am, of course, talking about my first born. (Not my wife, there’s never time for quality time
with her now we’ve got two kids).

Our new house also presented us with a new opportunity for some parent / child fun, as we can now share a bath together! (For anyone who thinks this is weird, I have to remind you: SHE IS TWO. This is not some sort of Donald Trump/Woody Allen situation.)

​Needless to say, she found it hilarious that daddy was getting in the bath with her, and loved every second of it. I was enjoying it too, right up until the moment she let rip a huge, bubbly fart. And I decided it was best not to stay in the bath any second longer. Far too risky.

Oh look it’s the guy with the tongue piercing from Rat Race™

​Man, I loved that film. This must be pre-Rat Race, as he has no piercing. And is also one of Ross’s students. Why do all of Ross’s students look thirty? Perhaps it’s a post-doc class…

At least that’ll make it less dodgy the next time he sleeps with one.

Which could happen again here, as Mr Rat Race confesses to mucking up his paper because he fancies Ross. Ross of course is AT PAINS to make it clear he is not gay.

​Although he does give the guy a better grade.

I never slept with any tutors at Uni. On account of my lack of dazzling wit, and spots and green hair. But I did get off with a teaching assistant on an archaeological dig in my final year. It’s true what they say “Archaeologists do it in the field”.

Anyway, it turns out the guy was lying to Ross! Who’s pretty upset about it for someone who isn’t gay... 

We found out Rachel slept with a teacher at Uni too!! Could it be she was only into Ross because she had some unresolved issues? It would explain a lot.

 “The One Where I Get A Second Job”

Elsewhere Joey took Rachel and me to the SOAPY awards! Which he mistakenly said has only been going since 1998.

Joey, that’s three years! It’s way more prestigious than you think!

He’s up for an award: “best returning male character”. Which I find odd given he’s playing a female character in a male body. Not sure what’s stranger, that or the fact he even got nominated.

He’s up against stars from quite a few other long running soaps: General Hospital™, The Young and the Restless™, and Passions™. So it’s not a huge surprise when he doesn’t win.

He must have been hitting the sauce again though, as he completely embarrassed himself. First by swearing in anger in front of the camera, then later on when presenting an award to someone from his own show who was a no show. Jessica Ashley (or is it Sami Brady?) couldn’t be bothered to come get, yet another, award so instead Joey started his own acceptance speech. That’s not even the worst of it! Later on he stole the award for himself properly! He really needs to rain in the drinking.

Man, I wish there was an award for committing to an idea well past it’s sell by date. I’d be a shoe in.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve been working as a bin man on the side.

After moving, the council appointed bin men didn’t empty my bin for four whole weeks! I’ve always had the utmost respect for bin men. It’s an important job. As I found when my bins weren’t emptied for four weeks.
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So when I saw they’d taken my neighbours bin and not mine for the fourth week in a row I thought “let’s be reasonable about this” and jumped in my car to speed off after them.

I caught up and got out my car to find three burly men and realised this was not going to go the way I’d hoped. They told me the reason they weren’t taking the bin is I put it out the front of my house instead of the back, and that meant “I could have more than one bin”. (The only reason my neighbours was out the front is they didn’t have a back).

Here’s a tip, if I’ve got one bin out the front, and none out the back, I have exactly one bin. They refused to come back so I said “OK. If I bring my bin to you right now, can we empty it?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

I went to get the bin. Ineffectually muttering “I hope you understand I’ll be making a formal complaint” before hauling it the 312 metres to the lorry. The man stopped me as I was about to load it up “don’t do that, I’ll do it”.

Oh yes, I’d hate to do ALL your job for you!

​And that’s the story of when I worked as a bin man.

​Before we start: some sad news. As we’ve welcomed a new life, we’ve lost another.
Yes, I’m sad to report that Mr Treeger has died. 

When we last saw him (three years ago) he was helping the boys get free porn. And I was bemoaning his all too brief appearance. He will be missed. So one last time, let’s share in the absolute joy of this moment:

“The One Where We Say Goodbye to Mr Treeger”

Strangely, back then I was discussing the lack of diversity in my Friends™ lives.

(No, not these guys…)
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I should stress, it’s not strange I was discussing it. It’s strange that it’s come up again. Things have never really got much better. But this week we met Kristen who’s moved in downstairs.

The guys are all nervous about talking to her. Presumably because she’s hot and not because she’s black. Even Chandler makes a mess of things after claiming he’s no longer nervous talking to women due to Monica. Man, if I was marrying Monica I’d be MORE scared about talking to other women.

Like Chandler I feel more confident talking to women now that it’s of less use to me. Women, too, often seem more relaxed with me when they find out I’m married. As if they internally breathe a sigh of relief and think “phew, this guy is not a threat”.

In the end both Joey and Ross successfully asked Kristen out on a date! Hrrm, I hope this doesn’t go down a Cathy route again. My new house has enough boxes in it as is.

Many better words have been written on the topic of representation in Friends™ than I can write. I don’t think I have much to add as an English white dude approaching middle age. But I am pretty sure this is the first time any of my Friends™ have asked out a person of colour. Preeeeeeetty bad.

I’m amazed Joey even managed to get a date after opening with the fact he once fell asleep on the steps outside and woke up to find his shoes gone. Yet more evidence of his secret drinking problem…

In the end Joey and Ross sabotage their dates, scaring the poor woman off by pretending not to know each other, then spilling each other’s dark secrets. Not very nice to the lady if you ask me!

I hope no-one ever treats my daughter that way.

She’s still coping admirably with our newborn, and the dust has already settled as we’re somehow approaching one month! So far things are a lot easier, and going quicker, than last time. Almost as if we’re not contending with a global pandemic…

I wonder as well if it feeling so fast is a result of still constantly having to look after our first born. Including keeping her from accidentally killing her brother.

She’s been greatly enjoying playing Doctor lately, what with all the trips to the hospital. But the other day she was trying to test my wife’s reflexes and flat out missed her knee and knocked the baby on the head with the little hammer!

Maybe soft toys are the order of the day for a while?

As it’s a lot harder to do things with her whilst looking after number two we’ve been taking her shopping more.

Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica went to get a wedding dress in a sale, so we tagged along. Man, it was busy! Like something out of Black Friday™!

 We hid in the clothes rails with Rachel whilst Monica secured her dress.

Her bright innovation was for everyone to have a whistle to be able to find each other. I think that’s a great idea! We could do with that at the new house; it’s a real struggle communicating across more than one floor. I’ve been considering getting us some cans on a string.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

For months I’ve been saying I don’t want my dad-in-law to do any work on fixing up our house. He’s an expert at DIY. In the way the people who built the Titanic were expert shipbuilders.

It’s not that he’s bad. He’s got all the right tools, knows all the tricks, and is an insanely hard grafter. He just lacks the level of finesse and care you’d get from a professional. Or from someone who’s financially invested in the whole thing (ie. Me). I always think it’s better for me to try something first, as it’s easier for me to blame myself if something goes wrong than to go against my gut, let someone else have a go, then still end up blaming myself for not trusting my gut. Why not cut out the middle man?

I finally relented as we were desperate to get our banister fixed before our child fell through it. And my wife assured me he would do a great job.

Did I come home to find a safe and presentable banister? Safe, yes. But I’m not sure I’d call the block of wood drilled into our carpet, the one carpet we weren’t planning on replacing, “presentable”.

Bit of fun before the main event:

Chandler and Monica have agreed to let Joey ordain their wedding!

Bit random. What with that and the bagpipes this is shaping up to be quite the occasion.

Before it was set in stone there was some drama (when isn’t there?).

Phoebe let slip that the night Chanica hooked up in London; Monica was actually hoping to find Joey!!

I’d be pretty pissed at Phoebe if she did something like this to me, but Monica’s more concerned with explaining things to Chandler who’s understandably upset.

Fortunately Joey had some lovely words to say, and the bros for life moved past it before it led to anything life changing.

“The One With the Life Changing Thing”

Our big news is, right after getting in the house, our baby sensed it was time and started popping out!!

Two days before our planned Caesarean. He can’t be my son, I’m never early.

Frustratingly the Caesarean was originally planned for the day before this but they pushed it back at the last minute. So we had a completely avoidable mad rush to the hospital, which did NOT go to plan, as you’ll see later.

But it all turned out fine. And, much to the amusement of my family, my son was born on May 4th aka STAR WARS Day™. Damnit, will I never be free from Disney’s™ iron grip on everything I once held dear?

My wife’s pre-occupation with keeping our newborn alive has given me plenty of quality time with the daughter. And Rachel, too, has been practising parenting, watching Ben for an hour at Ross’s insistence.

She won him over by teaching him some classic pranks, to Ross’s chagrin.

She’s not the only one impressing a child. With ZERO prompting the other day my daughter said I was funny! She even said I was cool when I put a shirt on one morning! Finally, I have achieved peak dad. And can now retire.

It’s amazing how she suddenly gets language. We took the baby home to introduce them and, without needing any explanation, she said the baby was cute, and then started listing all the other people in the house that are cute “Me, Mummy, Arthur (cat)”.

“Wow, that’s great! Is daddy cute?”

“No”

See, she just gets it!

Although, like Rachel and Ben, this has highlighted one big problem. I am incredibly liberal when it comes to swearing. And completely incapable of reining it in. Fortunately my wife is pretty cool with this, but we’re both aware it’s going to become more and more of an issue.

It may even be too late. The other day my father-in-law spilt tea on our brand-new carpet and I ran downstairs swearing my head off in the dash to get some kitchen roll. All the while, my daughter copying me, laughing her head off saying “f**k, f**k, f**k”.

Oh dear. And this is before she’s started being influenced by others! She absolutely adores her cousin, but he runs round yelling and hitting things (He’s 28 years old…). Our sweet gentle thing, who gives loving cuddles to her brother… it may only be a matter of time before she changes. Ah well. At least we’ve got a spare now.

It looks like there’s plenty still left to teach her. Lots of dadding to do. But for now I can enjoy her new  language skills. The other day I told my wife she was looking hot and the kid said “mum, daddy, bed!”

It’s good to know she’s got my back.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I loaded up my car with the last bit of stuff to go to the tip, and drove off.

It was closed! Oh no, I’ll have to go to the other one. Then, as I was about to drive off, my wife rang:

“Can you come back please? I think it might be happening…”

I rushed back and we bundled the three, soon to be four, of us into my wife’s car (on the grounds it was slightly less full of rubbish...)

We were almost at the hospital when I saw a man gesturing at me in, what I thought, was a very rude manner.

My wife, somehow less distracted than me given her predicament, worked out the source of the guys consternation.

“THE CAR’S ON FIRE”

I looked at the bonnet and, yep, sure enough, we were approaching the point at which I would be smashing triangle and running away if this was Grand Theft Auto™.

“EVERYBODY OUT!!!” I shouted, doing what you’re not supposed to do in this situation, getting my entirely family out the car on the slip road of the M1. I’d be damned if we’d all be exploded at our moment of triumph. I am many things, but Grand Moff Tarkin is not one of them.

We stood in mild panic as the cars started to drive around us. When a kind lady with a family of three stopped to help. She was a doctor, and had sensed my wife may be about to become rapidly less pregnant than she looked.

Her car had space for two and so for the second time in as many years I stood helpless as a doctor came and took my wife away from me. This time with my crying daughter too.

I stood with the car and waited for a mechanic to ring me back.

A man stopped with the world’s smallest fire extinguisher, only to leave when we couldn’t work out how to open the bonnet. (I later found out it was on the left hand side, as the car was a US model that had been converted to right-hand drive).

A police van stopped. Help at last!

“Just so you know this’ll need to move because of where it is on the slip road.”

Well, yes. I wasn’t planning on leaving it here. Can you help? No? Ok, bye then.

A second police van stopped. Any chance you could do something here? No, thought not…

Eventually the mechanic rang and persuaded me it was fine to drive the (luckily) very short distance to my mother in laws house in a low gear, using a well placed hill to coast down on the way. Thank God! I will make it to the hospital in time!!

So I set off, to meet my destiny, but not before losing my cool with a van driver who honked as he drove past.

“OH GO JUMP OFF A….” I shouted, before my brain froze and I looked round comically for a thing to say. Just like in the sitcoms.

Unlike a sitcom, everything worked out fine as the first thing my eyes landed on was a nearby bridge.

“BRIDGE!!” I finished. Sure, the van driver was long gone. But at least I hadn’t embarrassed myself.

Joey’s been a busy boy. It looks like he’s gonna get written back into DOOL properly!! (Days of Our Lives™ for all the less than cool kids out there.)

It’s cool he’s going to join the show again; it’s been on TV for an impressive 57 years!. Quite the achievement. Though despite that it’s still best known for being in Friends™.

But I’ve no time to dwell on it as we’re far too busy moving house.

 “The One Where I Move House a Second Time”

Yes, we’ve moved, and not a moment too soon. Enough things are unpacked and fixed up that it feels a bit like our place, but there’s a lot of work left to do. Big thanks to all the friends and family who helped with the move (and especially my wife’s dad in law who may have given himself a hernia doing it).

I think I was in denial a bit about how much stuff we’d accrued since moving into the last place. And foolishly decided we could do it without removal men. Even though we only had one day to move everything!

We did it. But it seemed every hour the end point moved further away. Several times we rang the estate agent to move back the time. And their response kept changing!

“No worries, we’ll let the buyer know.”

“No worries, I don’t think they finish work till four.”

“No worries, they’re not planning on moving in today anyway.”

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT THE FIRST TIME. We could have saved a lot of stress and backache.

But we’re in and done, so I can finally catch up with my Friends™ who now include the wonderful Susan Sarandon, starring in DOOL™ but having her role taken over by Joey. (How very… 21st century).

I went to visit the set the other day. And the strangest thing happened. They were shooting the scene, and as I looked it took on the feeling of a cheap soap opera. Like the camera angles were changing, and everything. Very odd. Then Susan Sarandon got annoyed at someone and hit them for real! She started walking off the set. But I swear I saw her laughing as she walked off. Sometimes your field of visions just a bit too wide these days....

Working with her to take over the role, Joey got a bit too involved. First Ross, then Rachel, now Joey! It seems everyone only meets new partners at work these days. But, unlike the other two, there isn’t a power imbalance here to make things weird. And to be honest, if I worked with Susan Sarandon and she fancied me I’d risk a trip to HR too.

But, just like that, it’s over. Sad seeing things end for them so soon after she took a film role in Mexico. I mean, it’s hardly Minsk.

It turns out Joey’s not the only one with a thing for older lovers! I bet you didn’t know Phoebe likes older men too. (If only they could get over their interest in the middle-aged and date each other instead…)

We found out after Rachel and Phoebe fought over a mobile phone left by a young hot guy in Central Perk™. They thought it was his so rang him up for a date. I was a bit confused as to why a random man would agree to dinner with someone just because they found his phone. Surely he had no idea what they’d look like?! But it made more sense when he showed up and was an old dude. When you’re that age you’ve gotta take what you can get! And Phoebe did. Leaping on it like a lion on a three legged Gazelle.

We should have been able to tell he was old from the phone to be honest. That thing looked about thirty years old!!!

Elsewhere Ross has taken up the bagpipes for Chandler and Monica’s wedding. But the less said about that the better.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The last thing to go was the washing machine. With a bit of DIY plumbing to make sure there’d be no leaks. Then we noticed we had a bit of a problem.

We hadn’t left space for the cats!

“Well, they know the area, we’ll come back for them after unloading” we thought. After all, the estate agent said the other party’s not moving in till tomorrow.

So a few hours later we rocked up to our old house, assuming it would be empty, barring two confused cats. To find the new owner having a look around already!

We just about managed to get through the stilted conversation as we boxed up the cats only for my super pregnant wife to need the toilet. I’m sorry, would you mind if she has a go one last time?

To be honest, it made me a bit sad being there again, all our life stripped away, taking the cats away from the place we’d lived for so many years. Our first house. The place our first child nursed in, the first garden I took ownership off, the first place I cooked a roast. Now looking so small. We’d definitely outgrown it. There were so many memories, and yet so many things we hadn’t done with it. (Thanks to a certain major world event I can count the number of barbecues we hosted on one hand.)

As I ruminated on all these thoughts, the buyer standing awkwardly waiting for me to leave, my wife flushed the toilet, and a fountain of water burst out of the pipe where the washing machine had been.

Ah. About that… I’m terribly sorry; you may need to get a plumber in. Sorry we can’t stay any longer, it’s been a long day, these cats aren’t going to feed themselves and did I mention how pregnant my wife is? We don’t want to risk any more waters breaking here. Byeeeee