The baby is brewing nicely. We’ve had a few scans now; they’ve got the usual number of limbs.

We’ve even done the sex test. It turns out I’m going to be a father.

Despite it nearly being Christmas things have picked up with the house-hunting too. We’ve had an offer accepted! AND MY NEW JOB STARTS IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

I know, I know, three huge things happening at once? This is terrible writing! Cramming three big storyline’s into one season. Don’t the writer’s of my life know less is more?

The poster child for less being more showed up at our apartment this week.

It’s Janice on her yearly visit!

As usual I was left feeling Chandler and Monica were a little harsh to her. Sure you wouldn’t want her at your wedding in that situation either. But she’s never quite as bad as they make out. I mean, yes it’s strange she’s taking a bath in our apartment, but at least she checked to see if we need the bathroom first!

If you ask me that’s pretty considerate by the Friends™ standards.

“The One With the Big News Part 3”

Joey’s had a new fling. And, wow! It’s Charlotte from Sex and the City™

Weirdly not accompanied by the usual applause I hear with guest stars. I had to check and Sex and the City™ has only been on TV two years at this point. Huh. I always thought it was older than Friends™. It’s one of the shows I tried to watch with mates a few times, but never quite got into the swing of it. I remember it being good though. Maybe one to consider for me and my wife when we finish our epic Buffy / Gilmore Girls – a thon?

As with Christopher from Gilmore Girls™ appearance a few weeks ago, it’s easy to imagine this as some sort of shared, turn of the millennium, East Coast universe. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too many Marvel films? Gosh I hope Central Perk isn't invaded by aliens. Early 00's Robert Downey Jnr trying to save us would not quite be the same.

This version of Charlotte seems perfect for Joey so it’s a shame things don’t work out. She even matches his secret alcoholism, drinking two beers at lunch with the girls.

The girls are a little judgemental of Joey’s batchelor lifestyle. But Rachel points out Phoebe’s also living it up, allegedly having an affair with the guy who keeps pigeons on the roof. I’m not sure if that means the pigeons are on the roof, or if they’re conducting their affair on the roof. Enough with the Charlotte stuff! I want to hear more about this secret pigeon affair!!

Phoebe’s not the only one having sex in strange places, as Ross discovers his new book has been relegated to a section of the library so unpopular students use it for sex. Joey is somehow familiar with this place. Wait is Joey having sex with students too now?!

It culminates in Ross, once again, massively breaking the boundaries of student-teacher relations after he meets the only student who read his book. Well, that’s what we’re left to assume. God I hope she was a visiting professor instead…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With the baby news comes a bit of fun. The second they’re out I’m gona get a vasectomy!

This leaves me in a slightly difficult position, let me take you back a bit.

Back when we had our first child, we imagined the second one would be two, maybe three years down the line. Also, I think it’s fair to say, I slightly overestimated the amount of sex new parents would be able to fit into their schedule.

And so, in the interest of saving a bit of money I thought it would be smart to work out roughly how many durex’s we’d be likely to use in the interim, bite the bullet, and buy in bulk. And I mean, REALLY IN BULK. Like, Amazon™: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, bulk.

All this has combined to mean I now have more condoms than I could ever hope to use before I have the snip.

Maybe the Friends™ would be up for a water balloon fight?

You wait for one life changing moment and then they all happen at once…

You wait for ONE life changing moment and then they all happen at once…

You WAIT for ONE life changing moment…

You wait for one LIFE CHANGING MOMENT…

LIFE CHANGING MOMENT…

LIFE CHANGING.

LIFE.

Ok, shit. We’ve got another one. Not content with moving job and moving house. We thought we’d put on a bit more pressure. Another baby!

Well, why not? We’ve been on pause long enough, got through that difficult first year. May as well get it over with whilst things are still a little quiet. Friends are spread across different continents, there’s not much to go out and do in the evenings. There's a potentially world ending apocalypse all around us.

Hey, someone’s gonna have to rebuild the world, and it definitely ain’t gonna be me.

“The One With the Big News Part 2”

All I really want to do is hang out and watch some films. So it’s good the boys have invited me round to watch Die Hard™. Let’s get in the Christmas™ spirit!!

A few days later, you’ll never guess, we found out Joey and Ross fell asleep and had a nap together! Funny stuff (if a little homophobic…). The best bit was Joey wanted another one so kept putting the “nap moves” on Ross. Makes a nice change for Ross to be the victim of a sexual predator.

That’s not the only problematic stuff going down. Monica found out Chandler once dumped an old girlfriend because they got fat over the holidays. Don’t want to sound like an out of touch middle aged man, but we are still allowed to split up with people if we don’t find them attractive anymore right?

I can see where Monica’s coming from, as an ex fat person, worried Chandler will do the same to her in future. But her comparison from her past is way off. Telling someone you don’t want to go out with them because they’re fat is completely different to breaking up with someone because you haven’t seen them for a while and they’ve got fat.

Hang on, I think what Chandler did might actually be worse… Ok Monica, I’ve changed my mind, I’m with you. Let’s make Chandler apologise to this poor lady.

Dear God, this is awkward. Turns out Chandler didn’t actually tell the woman at the time it was because she got fat and now Monica’s accidentally made him do it? I mean, in hindsight, OBVIOUSLY he didn’t tell her that was why he was breaking up with her. He had some tact even as a fifteen year old.

That’s a hell of a question, is it better to lie when you break up with someone to spare their feelings? And live with them hating you for never explaining why. Or is it better to be upfront and honest, as Monica’s best friend was when she asked him out? It’s hard to say which is more damaging. Man, I’m glad I’m not fifteen anymore.

Anyway Monica, I don’t think you need to worry about anything. Chandler would be mad to leave someone who high fives him when they get home.

The fat lady ain’t singing, so I better tell you a bit more.

Monica found out about this lady after she eavesdropped on their convo and wished her good luck marrying Chandler. But what she overheard was much more interesting: who will be the Maid of Honour! Exciting.

They’re trying to arrange a daisy chain, where each person ends doing it for another. It’s a bit risky if you ask me, you never know when someone might get married (especially someone like Phoebe) and what will happen in the interim. Some of my friends and I made a similar arrangement, long ago, before I moved to New York and made all these new friends.

I’m glad Monica didn’t ask me. I don’t know why they’re fighting over it really. Can you imagine being Monica’s Maid of Honour? Sounds like a lot of hard work.

There’s a touch of reality TV about things as they rope the boys in to help decide. I love when my friends play these fun games. Although Rachel is clearly a better choice. It’s nice of Phoebe to recognise this and give it to her in the end.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve had quite the few weeks. I decided to break out of my months of having chill Saturday’s with my daughter and do something a bit more interesting for the end of year.

Of course, being me, doing something interesting means going to a museum.

Don’t judge me.

Last Saturday we set off down the motorway, and all was going fine until I hit a rock the size of someone’s head and my tyre deflated quicker than an inflatable sheep at a [insert xenophobic stereotype here] stag do.

I reacted instantly, as only someone who’s spent the last eighteen months in a constant state of anxiety can do, and got us safely to the hard shoulder. And we waited for a real man to come help us. Eating lunch and watching the cars go by.

Not quite the fun day out I had in mind, but she probably coped with it better than I did.

We tried again this week, deciding to play things safe with the train. My daughter excitedly saying “Choo Choo” all morning. We walked down, she saw the station: “Choo Choo!” Man, I am a great dad. They should give me an award or something. I bought a ticket and went in aaaaaaaand all the trains were cancelled.

Great. Guess we’re going to the local park again this week. And now my little baby will either think I lied to her, that train doesn’t mean what she thinks it does, or that her dad’s a complete idiot who doesn’t know what a train even is.

Why do I even bother? I daren’t try again next week as it’ll be a sure fire way of ensuring another lockdown.