Within a few days it was clear my symptoms weren’t going to get worse and I started feeling better.
On the pain scale it was somewhere between a cold and a kidney stone..
It’s affecting us all on the macro and microscopic level.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself while isolating. I’m still taking a minimum three days to reply to messages. This whole time I thought I was super busy; turns out I’m just an asshole.
In fact, like Monica and Chandler, I’ve mostly been flexing my biceps and doing laundry.
OK, maybe not doing laundry the way THEY do it.
“The One Where She Comes Back Too Soon”
It’s been a pretty tumultuous month.
Shortly after my wife lost her job, it looked like I too may be joining her in “Ross-ing” up my life. But things seem secure, for now. The Government’s done a pretty good job of supporting people through the crisis, whilst ignoring those who need help most. Businesses are given help first, whilst pregnant self-employed people are hung out to dry.
It’s nice that some things are business as usual. At least they’re giving us a sense of continuity, if not a properly funded health service.
And now, just to really drive home the message that no-one is safe; our glorious leader has got the virus too. Honestly, he’s already stolen our thunder once by having a baby at the same time as us and now this! Selfish.
Given we’re all in isolation now, and all the sitting around in your pants that brings, it’s appropriate that Ugly Naked Guy is finally back. Providing Ross with a much needed chance to move house.
“Maybe we could do that thing with the cans on string!” enthuses Joey.
Honey, we’re all doing that now, Zooming™ and Houseparty™-ing to stay sane. And what a joy it is, talking to your friends whilst being Ugly Naked Guy from the waist down. I’m getting used to it, even learning how to look directly into the webcam rather than at my own image. Really, this is like having to learn to look people in the eye all over again!
With the “They Don’t Know That We Know That They Knows”, the game of Phoebe and Chandler pretending to be into each other, and Chandler’s declaration of love for Monica, this may be my favourite episode.
It’s a shame it’s coincided with one of the worst weeks of my life.
After a couple of days of my illness, my wife continued her Ross streak by moving too. Despite my insistence she stay at her mums until I was better, she decided to come home. After all I “didn’t sound too ill on the phone”. She thought I wanted her to stay away so I could enjoy playing videogames by myself!
Well, yes I was enjoying that, but I wouldn’t ban my pregnant wife from her house just for a few days of me time. I was trying to protect her and the baby.
Within a few days, I was proved right in the worst possible way. She had all the symptoms. My seven months pregnant wife. And pregnant women have just been moved to the high risk category. Et tu Boris?
And it turns out; dealing with a respiratory virus is a lot harder when all your abdominal organs have been pushed into your rib cage.
I think it was fifteen days in total. Fifteen days of staying up late just to be sure, being woken in the night by coughing fits. Two late night calls to 111. There wasn’t anything they could do. One night things seemed so bad we rang 999, they did a great job of assessing and calmly telling me they wouldn’t be able to send anyone. Essentially the message was “we can only help if they’re turning blue”. So excuse me if I didn’t have any sympathy when it was reported the PM still had symptoms after five days and was being taken in for some tests as a precaution.
Why should he get better treatment than my wife and unborn child? I thought we were “all in this together”?
By the second week I was lying awake listening to her shallow breathing. Is she getting worse or are we just panicking? Surely her cough should have stopped by now?
It really made me realise how unprepared I am for six months of listening to a newborns freaky night breathing.
Despite getting it much worse than me, she got through it, and is now on the mend. I know we’re lucky, and other people will have things much harder. Even Boris, taking a turn for the worse and spending a few nights in the ICU. I know there will be millions of people, experiencing similar things, or much, much worse.
But that didn’t make it any easier at the time.
OH MY GOD.
UGLY NAKED GUY IS ON THE SCREEN.
ON. THE. SCREEN.
I’ve been waiting 5 years for this!
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
As we’re housebound my wife has been looking for ways to occupy her time whilst I watch Friends™ and construct giant poking devices.
She hit upon the VERY ORIGINAL idea of writing a diary.
Her daily readings turned out to be a very effective way of her criticising (or sometimes praising!) my behaviour in a way that felt less like I was being attacked. Here’s an extract:
“My nephew rang me and asked if I had corona virus then started laughing. He then went on to tell me that he & his dad made a mud / worm house and put 24 worms inside. But dad forgot to put air holes in and they all died. I found this funnier than a vegetarian should. I can relate to those poor worms, struggling to breath. My sister is making nephew write a diary, he didn’t go into as much details as I did & simply wrote “today Dad killed 24 worms”.
One day my nephew’s kids will read that back & think their Granddad went on some random worm massacre.”
Needs more Friends™ if you ask me.