Chandler’s come in with some new glasses, I’m not sure I like them. A bit too Harry Potter™ if you ask me. His old ones were better. Hang on… He didn’t have old ones? And now he’s annoyed at us all because we thought he always wore glasses!

I did the exact same thing with my boss a while ago. So many people wear glasses now, maybe our imagination adds a pair when we remember people?

I swear I’ve seen Chandler wearing glasses before though? Perhaps in some other timeline.

How’s THAT for foreshadowing?

“The One With the Unfortunate Meal”

When, oh when, will I get to see Joey’s boat?? Oh my god! Thar she blows. What a beauty!!

(Let’s not mention the blue screen.)

Rachel (conveniently) knows how to sail so she takes Joey out on the water. Mostly to stop him tanking six and a half beers by himself next to a large body of water. Couldn’t you have taken me with you!? A boat AND beers? I’m sold. I’ve been trying to arrange a follow-up to my stag sailing weekend, but no luck yet.

Let’s take a second to talk about Joey’s drinking. I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

People always say “Joey gets stupider as Friends™ goes along”. Based on what we’ve seen so far I’m definitely not disputing that. But have we ever thought about the possible causes of this??

I reckon our boy’s got a bit of a secret drinking problem. All the signs are there. Single guy who struggles to maintain relationships, often seen with a beer despite his mate’s predilection for coffee. But here it’s finally coming to the fore. The dude’s drinking six and half beers on a boat by himself! Even by my standards that’s a lot of beers in one session, especially by yourself. Sure, maybe in our early twenties we’d regularly hit those numbers, but at 32? That can’t be good for you.

Makes me think, people always criticise Friends™ for Joey getting more stupid as he gets older, but maybe it’s all intentional? His stupidity isn’t a bug of the show, it’s a feature!

Or maybe I’m just looking for excuses? We went on holiday this week with my wife’s family and it’s fair to say I had more than six and a half beers. One night, to my wife’s amusement, I stayed up late drinking and chatting, just me and her mum. My wife used to get annoyed at me for treating her mum more like a friend than a mother-in-law but I think it’s great we get on so well! She’s a very cool woman, and I hope she feels the same about me. I mean, I hope she likes me. Not that she thinks I’m a cool woman. Now, that would be weird.

Another episode done. My one year old, who now is very much taking after me in the TV obsession department, gestures at the remote. “You want another episode of Friends™?” I ask, delightedly.

She nods.

Well tough, you’ll have to wait.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We took the baby to see some Real Live Friends the other day. Finally following up a double date with them prior to the pandemic. After a long car journey we unpacked the kid, showed them round the living room, and our mate went to finish lunch preparations.

But unfortunately, it seems the curse of the Friends™ duck was upon us. My bro brought the first two plates in, beaming with pride at cooking for my kid for the first time and full of happiness at finally being able to do our meal. Only to find a floor covered in baby sick. And my wife and I frantically trying to mop it up.

I really hope it was something about the décor and not our baby developing a habit for car sickness.

Monica’s hand’s hurting; this new engagement ring is just soo heavy!

It’s strangely something I can relate to. I’ve noticed a lot of pains in my arm the past year. And eventually pinned it down to the effect of constantly clutching my fingers together to hold on my (too big) wedding ring.

Or, I hope that’s what it is. Oh God, this better not be foreshadowing.

 “The One With the Double Wedding”

Fresh from the wedding last week, and we’re already planning the next one. Chandler and Monica’s!

They’re really hitting on something here. It was certainly my experience when getting married that women have been planning their wedding for a very long time. Men? Not so much.

True to type, Monica gets out all her schematics and they set to work. Only one problem, how to fund it?! Incidentally, if there’s one group who WOULD easily be able to host a wedding of less than fifteen people, it’s my incredibly insular Friends™.

The obvious first port of call is Monica’s parents. You’d think their coffers would have run dry after all of Ross’s weddings. What do you mean it’s usually the parents of the bride who pay so that joke doesn’t work? Shut up, let me have this one.

Speaking of having one, I want whatever Chandler is having.

What the hell is that cocktail?

Anyway, it turns out the Gellar’s spent Monica’s wedding fund on a beach house. Lucky/selfish bastards. [Delete as appropriate] But nice to see them regardless. It’s been what? Nine months? The last time was “The One When Ross Got High” Although, based on his recent behaviour, I don’t think he ever stopped getting high.

Phoebe’s confronting Ross at the college for giving one of her clients a massage. Hang on, wasn’t Ross fired? Have I invented a whole story in my head based on what would happen now? I guess I really did imagine that...

It’s a bit of a convoluted set-up, so bare with me here. But Phoebe’s been staying at Ross’s for a few days AND having her clients round for massages. But what’s really fucking nuts here is when a hot woman comes round Ross pretends to be a masseuse to get his filthy hands on her! Jesus. This man should not be allowed around students.

Thankfully he immediately gets his "comeuppance" when it turns out the lady is actually booking for her gross dad. But, seriously Ross. Did you have to go through with it????

In other, slightly more sexy, news. Joey discovered a book in Rachel’s room of a slightly different nature to the book they last shared, which, of course, ended up in the freezer for being too sad. It’s a porn book! Rachel must really be getting frustrated. Though, as things go, getting a saucy book is far better than desperately hitting on Ross.

The reason Joey found the book was the Duck threw up everywhere. Sadly, this is the last time we will see the duck. I can only assume the pot of Rachel’s face cream it ate turned out to be far more toxic than it first seemed. Maybe sometimes you SHOULD test cosmetics on animals first.

R.I.P:  The Duck
1997 - 2000
(And again 2018 - 2021)

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We left the wedding a little early last time, as my wife was feeling exhausted after a week of childcare. We went and checked into the Travelodge. And as my wife slipped into bed I realised something. After a year of lockdown, I was NOT READY to stop PARTYING.

After ensuring she was OK with it, I tucked her in and made my way back to the wedding, a mere 25 minute walk away. Hell I’d get another hour out of it! And at least one more drink. Maybe I could get one of those pink things Chandler was drinking?

Excitement gripped me, and a thought struck me “I bet I could shave off ten minutes if I ran this”. I sped off to the venue, a floppy haired man in a suit running, like Forest Gump™, through a quiet market town. Past the traffic lights, past the slug and lettuce, and past… hoo, actually, I think that’s enough…

Wow… Running is so much harder when you’re pissed!

I walked the remaining twenty minutes, making it in time for one last drink with Monica Number 2 before the night was over, and before they disappeared back off abroad to Yemen. Totally worth it.