Sometimes it feels like life is moving too fast.

Only yesterday I was at a wedding and here’s another one.

Yesterday was Joey Number Fours. Like Joey he has a thing for big holes. Steady on. I mean, digging them. He always wanted to dig a big hole for his stag do.

We made all the plans, booked a camping trip by the beach. Sourced the shovels and spades. And then, the day before, the owner of the AirBnB™ cancelled because of trouble with the council.

Something to do with the presence of unauthorised yurts.

It was a big shame not to be able to make it happen. So Joey remains my only friend who’s dug a big hole. Wait. Unless you count all the people I studied Archaeology with. Damn.
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“The One With Chanica’s Wedding”

But we did have a great stag for Joey Number Four (UNLIKE CHANDLER WHO SKIPPED HIS). And the wedding yesterday was glorious. Even as I grappled with the embarrassment of wearing a dress.

Like with the friend at my wedding, people were pretty cool with it. Complimenting the look with, I’d say, a 30/70 split of sarcasm and genuineness. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which way the split fell.

But I still felt a bit uneasy, like I was drawing too much attention to myself. I honestly didn’t have a choice! is what I protested, as my wife gave me death stares in the car on the way there. It’s fair to say she took it the worst. Perhaps the feelings of being “upstaged” at her own wedding were still too raw?
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Still, not a single person emulated Nora Bing and commented on me having too much penis. Truly, that is progress.

It’s hard to belief it’s been six and half years since she kissed Ross. Now she’ll be Ross’s sister’s mother-in-law. And here we are waiting for Chanica’s wedding and we find out Chandler’s non-biological mum ALSO hit on Ross in the past! What is it about Ross that makes him so appealing to them? Maybe they relate to the divorcee energy?

We’ve, so far, managed to keep the news that Chandler is AWOL away from Monica. We weren’t so successful with my sister at her wedding. My brother-in-law wasn’t AWOL; we just went out the night before for a few drinks. And stayed a bit too late. Leading to an increasingly antsy bride.

There’s lots of weird little things like that going through my head, as I sit here in the dress waiting for Chandler (and Joey!) to show up.

Chandler’s Mum Number One comments about Chandler’s Mum Number Two wearing her wedding dress after the wedding. I DID THAT. OK, I’m beginning to see why my mate thought it was appropriate to wear a dress at my wedding.

Judy Gellar just had a word though. She’s not happy about my dress. But Jack seems to be into it.

Oh yes! Chandler’s back. Ross and Phoebe found him in his office and convinced him it was all last minute nerves. He accidentally found out Monica’s pregnant too. But a tiny baby grow in the venues gift shop made him realise it's cool.

“Anything that fits into something this small couldn’t be scary.” Ho boy, Chandler, if only you knew.

So the ceremony’s starting. With a Greek Orthodox minister in place of Joey. That Gary Oldman’s got  a lot to answer for.

Oh wait he’s here! Joey to the rescue.

Is this a rescue? Oh no, he’s getting everything in the wrong order. And, now he’s gone and told Monica about Chandler going missing. For fuck sake, Joey.

Poor Monica, this really can’t be all she hoped for?
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They really trusted Joey and he’s totally fucked it. I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married?

Ah well, it’s over now, at least we get cake!

Like yesterday, due to my son’s young age, we’re the only people with a baby at the wedding. So everyone’s crowding round and heaping attention on us. Or maybe that’s my dress?

Well, not the only people, it’s just the other person has the baby inside of them, not in a pram. But Monica’s denying all knowledge of it.
 
You mean, the pregnancy test is someone else’s?! This is too much. I gaze around the room. Oh my God Rachel’s looking shifty.

​You think Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant?!

I’m just relieved it’s her and not my wife.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

In the end, despite the double weddings, both were quite short, ceremony wise. Monica and Chandler’s can’t have been more than twenty-two minutes.

But the weirdest thing is Joey Number Four’s wedding ALSO had a friend officiating. Complete with a costume store robe. And, get this... his name is JOE.

I’m not sure this means they’re even actually married or not.

Now, if you’ll please excuse me, my head hurts, I think I need a lie down. And I’m not sure it’s from the alcohol.

Chandler and Monica’s wedding is tomorrow! But we’ve been too busy celebrating our own anniversary to get excited.

I say “busy celebrating”. We ate a Hello Fresh™ box, and took the kids to the beach. Such is married life once the kids enter. We did mark the occasion with a few bottles of wine. Which was tremendous after not drinking all year (bar a few special occasions). Man I missed a glass of red. It’s getting harder to resist returning to my old ways. But I think I can keep up the heavily reduced drinking. Until Christmas at least.

The way you feel the next day is a pretty hefty reminder of the cost. I haven’t missed that. Can’t believe it used to be my default state. Still I’m gona treat myself to a couple more at Mondler’s wedding, and at Joey Number Four’s, which is also this weekend. Weddings weddings weddings. Must be the time of year.

Before then, some coffee. As we try and recover in time for the weddings.

Monica: “You do realise this is the last time we’ll be together as six single people.”

Errm. Excuse me, Monica. First of all, there are seven of us. But, also, I’m already married, and you and Chandler have been going steady for ages. OR HAVE YOU FORGOT.

Also I’m pretty sure Phoebe’s dating that guy who wears knickers.

Later, Ross took Chandler aside “I’m speaking to you now not as a friend, but as Monica’s brother, if you EVER cause her any unhappiness…”

You’d think Ross, of all people, would have a better understanding of what marriage is like. If brothers (and sisters) beat people up every time someone caused their spouse unhappiness, society would grind to a halt in a whirlwind of blood feuds.

“The One With Mondler’s Wedding”

We went to the rehearsal dinner for Mondler’s wedding. It was quite a weird experience. In the UK we’re not used to doing this. I’m not sure if this is because we have more faith in things going right the first time, or we enjoy the chaos of things going wrong at weddings. The popularity of Eastenders™ would suggest the latter.

At the rehearsal dinner we caught up with Chandler’s mom. But which one… Well, both. But I mean his biological mother, last seen six and a half years ago!

Man the time flies.

Like me a few weeks back, Jack Gellar (gotta love that man…) is a bit confused whether to call Helena Handbasket Chandler’s mum or dad. But not as confused as Judy Gellar, who seems to be besotted with Gunther. Poor woman. Have we tested her for dementia lately?

The vicious sparring between Chandler’s parents did make me realise why he’s such a commitment-phobe (commitment-Phoebe?): “Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that” is a particularly unpleasant thing to say. And left us all feeling awkward. With our 21st Century morals.

Joey couldn’t make the rehearsal dinner (not like him to miss a dinner) as he’s off shooting a mooo-vey.​

It’s set in World War 1, which my American friends know very little about. Don’t they teach them anything in their schools? In the UK we learn all about WW1, and WW2. And at that point, British history stops, with the brief exception of one month in 1966.

I can hardly talk, I didn’t even find out the US joined WW1 until a few years back. (Well, I say joined…)

But the Brits and Americans are joined together once more! Not just for the wedding, Joey’s working with a Brit. It’s only GARY BLOODY OLDMAN.

What a legend.

But he stuffs things up for Joey! After a little lesson in the importance of spitting as an actor, he gets horrendously drunk and can’t finish their scene. OH NO. Joey’s going to miss the wedding?!?!

That’s not all. Back at the flat after the rehearsal, we notice Chandler’s done a runner. After, quite sweetly, saying to Monica he always thought something stupid would come along and make him freak out, but it never did. Sadly no longer true, after he hears Monica’s new answer-phone message, which reminds him his surname is BING. You’d think he would have already thought about them sharing a surname.

Like him I felt something stupid would ruin things before my wedding, but never had that big moment of freaking out. And here we are four years later!

The search for Chandler threw up another shocking moment; we found a positive pregnancy test in Monica’s bathroom! The poor woman. How could he do this to her??

Fortunately the wedding is tomorrow, so there’s still time to find him. But I won’t be able to help as it’s time to go to Joey Number Four’s Wedding!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

After the rehearsal dinner we headed home to get ready. Thanks to the absence of Monica at the planning stage it promised to be a much more relaxed affair.

On the way back, I was thinking about my friend. The one who wore the dress at my wedding. And Chandler’s parent at the rehearsal dinner, looking fabulous, complete with a pearl necklace borrowed from Monica.

Something isn’t right here.

What if there isn’t a male in a dress at this wedding??

There’s only one thing for it.

I’m going to have to take up the baton. The tradition must continue!
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So, I got ready in one of my wife’s dresses. Trying to keep it stylish and not going overboard as my mate had managed four years ago. (After all, you don’t want to draw any focus from the bride!)
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I can only hope it’s taken in good spirits. And that no-one says to me “don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that”.