​Recently, a vague memory of Chandler giving Cathy ‘the Velveteen Rabbit’ popped into my head.

We’re looking for longer books for my (now almost 3 years old!) child. So I thought I’d pickup a copy!

I excitedly set about reading it. To find it’s about a toy rabbit who can’t tell what’s real or not. What an idiot.

Unfortunately it proved a little too advanced so we’ve yet to finish it.

Disappointing really. Maybe instead I should show her ‘Old Yeller’?

Or ‘Kujo’.

“The One With the Fake Tan”

It’s two O’ clock on a Wednesday. Which, of course, means my American Friends™ are lazing around their apartment. Honestly, this country‘s going to the dogs…

Their arcade machine has mysteriously vanished. Perhaps it’s in the guest bedroom?

Monica suggests Chandler has a bath. Which he, in typical fashion, thinks is a little “gay”. Man, he’s so insecure. Also… Didn’t she already introduce him to the wonders of baths?? Three and a half years ago! Seems their days of sexy together baths are behind them. This is what happens when you marry, guys!

Looking back, at that time, my other friend Monica Number 2 was job-hunting. Somewhat unusually, they’re still without a job; having settled into a life of househusbandry and luxury. (Although, to be fair, a big part of that is their current visa requirements out in Yemen).

Today EVERYONE appears to be not working! Ross and Rachel are going for their latest baby scan. And discussing names.

It always took us a long time for baby names. It was a lot of fun. It’s sad to think we won’t be doing it again.

Hang on. Did they say ‘Ruth Gellar’?!? Surely it’s not going to be Gellar?! Even when they were married it was “Gellar-Green”, wasn’t it?

You want to put your foot down Rachel. You never know, the way things are going, they might end up being a Tribbiani.

Everyone’s trying to guess Joey’s secret. It’s painfully obvious he fancies someone. And Monica guesses Phoebe. Which does make more sense… But I suppose we don’t choose who we fall in love with.

This leave Phoebe embarrassed when she confronts him. And I’m left feeling sorry for everyone!

Poor Phoebe, getting her hopes up.

Poor Rachel, having the sex of her child revealed by Ross when they said they wouldn’t find out. (Incidentally, why is it a “Gender Reveal Party” when the correct term would be “Sex Reveal Party”. I guess if you’re inviting someone to a “Sex Reveal Party” they may come expecting something quite different.)

Poor Joey, unable to cope with his feelings.

And Poor Chandler, unable to enjoy a bath in peace without people barging in to pester him. An experience my wife can very much relate to.

Hang on. The only ones here not having a hard time are the Gellars!

Maybe these guys should cut them loose.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Over the weekend I turned to my wife and told her she had a bit of chocolate above her lip.

“Oh, that’s not Chocolate.”

“Oh God, it’s not…”

“What, NO. Ew. But I’m too embarrassed to tell you.”

“What then? Make-up?”

“Sort of…”

And so, I found out my wife had watched a TikTok™ video suggesting permanently contouring your face by using fake tan. And instead of thinking “that’s a silly idea” decided to give it a go.

Resulting in a big wonky brown line across her fulcrum.

Maybe China’s real plan is to bring down the West by making us all look stupid…

Later, I noticed she’d done under her chin as well. And for the rest of the day, whenever I looked, it was like she’d whited up her face.

​Help! I’ve married a mime.

My Friends™ have got a huge package (steady…)

It’s Ms Pacman™!

The arcade game.

(Bloody woke nonsense, amirite. Why can’t we just have MR Pacman™. Things’d be better if there were no women in Friends™ at all. Which reminds me, I really need to get round to watching Seinfeld™…)

I’ve got a huge package too.

​Or at least, we’ve got similar troubles moving things from one room to another. We moved almost a year ago now(!) And the bookcase we inherited, which I excitedly earmarked for my office, is still languishing downstairs. At this point I’m not sure any amount of “Pivoting” would get it upstairs.

It’s weird none of my Friends™ play videogames. I play more than watching TV nowadays. Although a large part of that is only having one TV and my wife and/or children usually wanting to watch it. Dad’s obsession with “the man cave” is getting ever easier to understand. AND I’m the one who bought the bloody thing!

I wanted an even bigger one but my wife talked me down. Now every time I look at it I think “that could be a few inches bigger”. But, to be fair, she does the same with me.

I found out some odd things about my Friends™ this week. Phoebe apparently has some experience resisting arrest. Judging by the way she flopped to try and stop Monica dragging her away from Ms Pacman™. And Chandler made an off-hand remark about it being normal to witness orgies before your seven.

Which… I’m pretty sure is child abuse? Poor guy.

Phoebe also proved to be a prolific swearer. Dropping all kind of F-bombs in front of Ben after failing to win the high score on the machine.

We had to have a talk about this the other day. (My wife and I, not me and Phoebe. She can swear all she wants. I don’t give a shit about Ben.) Our eldest is now fluent in English, and number 2 is already starting to respond back with simple sounds. (Basically just woofing. God I hope he doesn’t think he’s a dog…)

Despite my best efforts, I CANNOT stop swearing in front of them. We haven’t got a jar yet but it’s surely only a matter of time if I don’t get a lid on it. To be honest, losing more money to parenthood seems unlikely to make me swear any less. Like a lot of people things are still tight, it’s a real problem I couldn’t move to the new job.

Ross, too, is bemoaning his lack of career progression after a faculty member moves on:

“Why didn’t I get Head of Department??”

Oh, I don’t know. Probably all the sleeping with students, Ross.

“The One With the Stupid Date”

Something very odd has happened. Joey seems to be falling for Rachel.

I know, right. Like that could ever happen. Stupid.

He’s continuing to do a great job of looking out for her whilst pregnant. That’s Rachel that’s pregnant, not Joey. And this week they went on a fake date to give her a nice experience. (I’m a little confused why she couldn’t just go on a date with someone properly? But anyway.)

​They swapped their best “date moves”, and were kind enough not to mention me tagging along as a third wheel.

Joey’s only game seems to be pretending he has a fan. Surely he’s famous enough at this point that that isn’t necessary? I guess you can be famous and not have fans…

​*cough* Corden *cough*

Rachel’s move is merely asking questions about the other person! And having an ass. Surely, both those things are part of a date for anyone?!

I can’t talk, it’s been so long since I’ve had a date with anyone other than my wife, I can’t even remember if I had moves, let alone what they might have been. Knowing what I was like back then it was probably something along the lines of “let’s just get really drunk and see if we end up making it to a bedroom before I fall asleep or into a gutter”.

It’s actually quite sweet seeing Joey falling for her. (Romantically, not into a gutter.) Though I’m not sure why he’s so scared. I only know it’s not because they’re watching Kujo™.

I left with him staring off into the distance, pondering the impossible. I know exactly how he feels.

How in the hell am I going to find the time to watch Kujo™ when I still haven’t even seen Old Yeller™!??

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Joey and Rachel aren’t the only people going out. My wife and I went out to commemorate ten years of our relationship. TEN YEARS. Hard to believe we’ve been together even longer than I’ve known my Friends™!

I know, I know, one’s a colossal waste of time with no material gain and the other…

It was amazing to finally get a bit of time to go out properly as a couple again. Easy to forget how much fun we have when we get a few drinks in and let our hair down. So here’s to her, and the next ten years!

​Hopefully next time she won’t say “can you believe we’ve known each other for ten whole years.”

Time marches on and keeping up with my Friends™ gets harder.

I’m only catching up with their Christmas™ now, and yet it’s March! Jesus has only just been born, but he’s almost ready for the chop.

People talk a lot about how having children changes things. It’s certainly tempting to blame them. In amongst running around after them, trying to keep the house clean for family guests, and trying to earn enough money to heat our home, it does seem harder to find time to sit down with friends.

But long term readers will know I’ve always been quite bad at time keeping. Which, for a drummer, is not ideal.

So with the excuses out the way, lets press on.

 “The One With the Hot Doctors”

Rachel’s pregnancy is making her want to sleep with LOADS of people. I totally understand. When my wife was pregnant I also wanted to sleep with loads of people.

(Hi sweetie, in case you’re reading that is a JOKE).
​
She’s even into one of the doctors checking up on her pregnancy! If you’ll remember, she does have form when it comes to hot doctors.

But the strangest thing is my wife has recently met those doctors too! She’s regularly been hanging out in the ER. And is spending a lot of time with them. Should I be suspicious? Or should I just enjoy that she’s got something to watch that gives me more videogame time? Maybe I should even have a late career change and start comparing my time as a doctor to theirs?

As usual Phoebe decides to take things too far. Pimping out Rachel to a virgin friend. (Yes, really). Rachel, somehow manages to resist, before accidentally hitting on Joey! I was relieved when he didn’t give in (Rachel and Joey? Imagine… that would be ridiculous.) But I’m not sure I would have done the same. Joey, you’re a much stronger man than me!

Ross has been struggling with Mona wanting to take the next step in every budding relationship:

Sending out Christmas™ cards.

Should I be worried we’ve been together ten years and haven’t started doing this yet?

I should probably be more worried that the other day, my wife turned to me and said “can you believe we’ve known each other for ten years!”

We’ve known each other for twenty years.

She’s completely forgotten the first decade of our lives before we got together!

Ever since I did a module at Uni on how cards are merely a way of destroying wealth for social prestige I haven’t bothered. (Thank you Anthropology…) I’ve lost track of how many arguments we’ve had about whether my wife should now get TWO cards at every occasion, one from me, and one from the kids. Apparently there’s one person more important to me than protecting the Amazon.

A couple of mates do do cards. (Heh “do do”).

The best one we ever received was shortly after Monica Number 2 opened a scaffolding business (yes really), and sent everyone a card of them swinging round a pole adorned in tinsel and a Santa hat. Every year I consider just printing up a run of those and sending them out to everyone…

Ross has really ballsed things up with Mona.

I don’t understand why he can’t just be honest with her about what he wants?! How was this guy ever married…

He even goes as far as giving her a key to his apartment, then changing the lock to backtrack on it. Poor Mona. Talk about mixed signals.

Chandler’s been struggling with the truth as well. Monica was desperate not to socialise with his boss, so he ended up pretended they’d separated to get out of it. Queue boss taking us to a strip club to get over it. Well I guess that makes up for his lack of a stag!

My wife has yet to meet any of my new colleagues. Can’t believe I’ve been there over a year already! It’s a shame as they’re all really nice, but getting evening childcare for us both to go out is an absolute nightmare. Of all the things I didn’t consider when it came to parenthood this is probably the biggest, practically speaking. Until we make more local friends one of us (or granny) will ALWAYS need to be in in the evening. Some days it feels like the lockdown never ended.

I’m not sure it is a good idea for my wife to meet people from work. She’s convinced I’m getting off with one of them, after finding a long black hair on me. I’ve tried explaining it could be from any number of them, we sometimes hug to say good bye, or even someone from the tube but she’s having none of it.

Her and Chandler will be super pissed when they find out it’s actually Monica’s.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

​Even though I’m reasonably happy in my job after a year, I recently applied for something else really good that came up.

Imagine my shock when I actually got it!! Turns out job hunting when you’ve got almost a decade of experience, is very different to when you have none. Or at least that’s what I thought.

We entered into negotiations, and I was happy and ready for a new stage of my life. More money, super interesting company in the industry I want to work in. Then they came back to me “actually would you be able to come in to the office one more day than you’ve proposed”.

Well, YES. One extra day of Nintendo Switch™ train time a week? Sign me up! Only problem is, because of where I live, this would have cost significantly more than the pay increase of the new role.

Hrrm, it looks like we’re in uncharted waters here. Is this the “New Normal” we’ve heard so much about? After a week of agonising, I had to turn it down. With the dreaded “Cost of Living” crisis, and now having two children, I don’t know how I ever would have got by without being able to work from home several days a week.

I also realise I’m in a very privileged position here.

I think very soon we’re going to have to reckon with the fact that there’s a new class barrier in place. Between those who work jobs with the luxury of home working, and those that don’t. I’m not sure if anyone will come up with a solution. Beyond a rebalancing of salaries that there’s no demand for.

My own idea to soften the blow, is this: (Sorry to get all political for a second). Commuting costs should be tax free. In practise, reportable as an expense of your job, and thus open to a tax rebate. So whatever proportion of your pay that you have to pay to get to your job, you’d get around a third back from your income tax. This would rebalance things for people who have to travel to work. Benefit the economy by making home working less appealing. And stop situations like mine where people end up stuck in a role because they can’t afford to take opportunities elsewhere.

​OK. Not so much a “Real Live Sitcom Moment” as a party political broadcast. But, hey, a boy can dream.

My cat using the potty seems to have been a bit of a fluke.

Since then he’s turned into a right bastard, pissing in the sink, on the floor, clothes… mats. If it’s on the floor he’ll have a go.

What are we to do??

Instead of a smelly cat, we have a smelly house!

“The One With the Smelly House”

This week I accompanied Phoebe on one of her zaniest schemes. (Which resulted in a restraining order, no less…)

We found out Ben goes to school with Sting™s son. So Phoebe hatched a plan to get some free tickets by pretending to be Ben’s mum Susan. I briefly considered dragging up as Carol… But I’m not sure Phoebe would have stopped short of making out with me to sell the lie. And we know she’s got a thing for older men. What if Sting™ got in on the action too?! Even with his reputation, I’m not sure I’d enjoy that… And my wife certainly wouldn’t have approved.
​
I needn’t have worried, as Sting™ was a no show in the end. But we did meet his actual, real life wife!

Just, not for long. She saw straight through our ruse, and called the police (no not those ones.) Hence, the restraining order.

Oh Sting™, no matter where you are, every breath you take, every move you make, Phoebe will be watching you. From more than fifty metres away.

Even though she got me in trouble, Phoebe stayed in my heart for making a filthy joke about Ross talking to Rachel’s vagina. 

He was actually talking to to her the baby in her tummy. It’s nice seeing Rachel and Ross’s excitement, reminds me of our own journey.

Family was a bit of a theme this week. Joey’s sister became a Nepo Baby™ when Joey got Rachel to give her an introduction to the fashion industry. But it turned out she only wanted to talk to Rachel cause she was pregnant! Joey’s sister I mean. We know Rachel’s pregnant. KEEP UP.

Rachel marched her straight over to Joey, who reacted VERY badly. Storming out, and back in for his sandwich, and out again.

I did not like the way he treated her. Rachel tried to put him in his place, but really it was all him spouting about how his sister should marry the guy, and how she couldn’t do it alone. Dude, Rachel is RIGHT THERE.

Rachel did a good job of fighting her and the sisters corner.

But I’m left wondering, was Joey being the voice of the patriarchy? Men forcing their will on women. Or rather the voice of women who need protecting from baby daddy’s who run at the first sign of trouble. After all, historically speaking, isn’t this basically what marriage is for? To give the woman security if the guy up and leaves?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Monica’s got some new boots. They hurt like hell but she wanted to wear them as much as possible as Chandler’s annoyed by how much she spent on them.

​We’ve got the same thing in our house at the moment. My wife indulged in new year smoothie and coffee machines. At least I can use those! Although a pair of fancy boots might have come in handy when pretending to be Carol…

Ultimately Monica had to abandon her boots. They were hurting much too much, and Chandler carried her home from his office party. My office Christmas™ party was a bit disappointing too this year. For the first time, my wife was invited but couldn’t come cause of the babies.

I really think Rachel is underestimating how much her social life is gonna change…

But I did get to see some other friends this week!

Monica Number 2 finally came back from Yemen. They’re doing fine, settled nicely with new cats. And it was great to catch up. No new boots though.

I may have been in my new job for a year, but I still don’t know the good places to go out round there (see: kids). So I asked a work mate where to go and they gave us somewhere decent.

Imagine my surprise when, a few drinks in, I went to the toilet and found a whole table of work friends had come out to the same place! And completely neglected to tell me!! And who was sitting among them? The person who told me the bar in the first place.

Judas.

I’m not sure I believe their excuse that they “thought I’d want to be alone with my mate”. But it turned out great in the end. We got together with a couple of the stragglers and had double the fun.

I love it when you can get two groups of people you know together like that.

One of these days I really need to get my London friends to meet my New York ones…​

It’s Thanksgiving™!

When we all express our thanks… that we’re not a turkey.

As is now tradition, this means I’m struggling to hear the sound of my Friends™ over my kids noisy Christmas™ toys.

Monica’s decided to have no turkey this year. (Like the EU, am I right? BREXIT. BREXIT. BREXIT!)

If you ask me that’s a solid decision. I’ve never understood the appeal, beyond it being large enough to feed lots of people. If it’s the size that matters you may as well go bigger and get an Ostrich. I had Ostrich once. In Watford’s finest exotic steak restaurant. Well... that’s what it was until they were shut down when a local reporter discovered their fancy antelope steaks were actually horse meat.

This Christmas™, Dad and I went for substance over style, and shared a duck. It was certainly tastier than the time he tried one of those birds within a bird within a bird. What a letdown that was. It’s impossible to cook them evenly. This year we rejected the very concept of a thing within a smaller thing within a smaller thing. Far too Russian.

Joey insisted on the turkey though. So Monica agreed to make it if he promised to eat the whole thing!

He’s definitely got a toxically masculine attitude to how much he can eat. It’s not a competition, Joey. You don’t need to prove anything. I guess if you’ve got loads of siblings you’ve probably got more of a need to stuff it in. This certainly seems true for our second child. Who’s weening as if his sister’s going to eat all his food before he gets the chance!

Who does he think she is, Monica?

Anyway good luck to Joey.

Let’s hope he doesn’t get his head stuck in it! (Whey…)

“The One With Brad Pitt”

Phoebe’s helping Monica in the kitchen and I’m reminded of their catering company. Those were the days! I can’t quite believe it was four years ago!! How time flies when you’re with your Friends™.

They’re having an old friend from school round, tis the season after all.

He’s lost a LOT of weight, and everyone’s swooning over him.

​But, that don’t impress me much.

It’s a bit of an awkward dinner. Turns out he absolutely despised Rachel, and even formed an “I Hate Rachel” club, with ROSS of all people.

Again, not particularly impressive. They even started a rumour that Rachel was intersex. Man, teenagers are complete dicks. And fanny’s. Also, I know it’s been a while. But if my memories anything to go by, aren’t all teenagers in to sex? (Ho ho…)

Rachel gets back at Ross by revealing he made out with the “old” school librarian. Who was fifty. Is that old? I guess when you’re in school.

It was weird that everyone then started shaming Ross for essentially being the victim of a child groomer. But you do have to wonder… is that what led him down his own path of student seducing?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With some time over the holidays, we decided to try potty training again. It’s turned out to be much more successful than we could have hoped.
​
My wife went into the toilet, only to find our cat perched on the child’s potty.

“He can’t be…” we thought. But sure enough, when he got off there was cat pee pee in the kids potty.

And substantially more than when my kid uses it.

We couldn’t stop laughing.

I always thought it was weird he followed me into the loo and watched me. I assumed he was hungry, or maybe a fan of R Kelly. But no. This whole time he’s been watching and learning.
​
Honestly, it’s like in Jurassic Park™ when they find out the Velociraptors™ can use doors.
​
Clever girl.

Christmas is a time for family. So my mate Rachel has decided to see her dad (seemingly for the first time in FIVE years).

It’s mainly to tell him the big news: He’s going to be a grandpoppy! She takes Phoebe along for moral support. Though I suspect Phoebe has an ulterior motive as she hints at fancying him. And we know she’s got a thing for older men…

I don’t really know what she sees in him. He’s homophobic, rude to restaurant staff, and vehemently anti-vegetarian. So, not all bad. But the first two are pretty horrific.

He’s a horrible man, even if he softens at finding out he’s going to become a grandparent.

​Maybe it’ll improve his manner a bit? My dad has made much more of an effort with everyone since we had kids. Now I’m the one being grumpy all the time. It must be easier when you can pack the kids back off to their parents after hanging out.

Rachel is so terrified of her dad she lies and tells him Ross and her are getting married! On February 2nd. Which just so happens to be Groundhog Day™

 I suppose if you’re going to remarry someone there’s no better day for it. Maybe they’ll just keep doing it forever?

Mr Greene comes crashing in on Ross’s date which puts Ross in an awful position, between a rock and hard place, as Mona doesn’t yet know about the baby.

Thanks Rachel.

Thrachel.

“The One With the Penis Pump”

Elsewhere, Chandler finds out Monica had a secret bachelorette (read: hen) party. What a dick! Where was my invite?!?

She decides to make it up to us by getting him a stripper, who, it turns out, is actually a hooker.

Don’t worry guys, we’ve all been there.

The stripper invites Chandler into the bedroom, where he finds he’s already missed the show he thought he was getting, and she’s already naked.

Which reminds me of last Christmas™.

Rather than the traditional gift (of giving you my heart), my sister-in-law thought it would be funny to give a gift of one of those mugs that changes when you pour hot water in it. Which revealed a picture of her husband naked on a chaise longue… Mercifully with a well placed cushion.

Not to be outdone, this year, my brother-in-law upped the ante: Giving my wife a bona fide penis pump. Ya know, like the one in Austin Powers™.

…

At least it gave us something to talk about on the day.

After a day of trying it out on each others arms/faces/stomachs, I decided it was too powerful to try out on the real article, and snuck it into his bag of presents before we went home.

I’m sure he needs it more than me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:
​
My wife’s family also brought back an old tradition this year:

“Nanny’s bag of shit”.

The idea is everyone brings along a couple of bits and pieces they have floating around, pops them in the bag, and then someone pulls them out one by one, with everyone shouting out to get what it is on a first come first served basis.

It turns out it’s surprisingly fun! And everyone liked what they got from it.

Only problem is, if you’ve got a toddler, they’re very impressionable. So come Boxing Day, our kid repeatedly asked “where’s my present from the bag of shit”.
​
Oh dear, I hope this doesn’t become a habit.

Christmas is almost here. And, as is fast becoming tradition, it’s a real struggle to spend enough time with my friends before it becomes all about the family.

I’m not entirely sure why I’d want to, to be honest. Sometimes they’re real selfish dicks.

“The One Where We’re Walking in a Winter Wonderland™”

First off you’ve got Chandler and Monica. They got a maid (despite Monica’s obsession with cleaning). There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But they both ended up harassing her cause Monica thought she’d stolen her clothes. Poor woman...

Then you’ve got Phoebe. Who jumped at the chance to date her sister’s ex-fiancée when he asked her out. What the hell?!

And Rachel and Ross. Rachel decided she wanted to move to her own apartment, so they ended up hovering round an old lady neighbour waiting for her to die. Ross even tried to learn Dutch to talk to her. At least that’ll come in handy for insulting Gunther. Who it turns out is Dutch (and definitely not a ghost…)

Even though he was trying to help her, Ross made things bad for Rachel by telling Joey she was thinking of leaving. This lead to an awkward conversation between Joey and Rachel. Where she tried to convince him how terrible having a baby in the apartment would be.

“Imagine trying to score with a baby screaming”

Oh Rachel. I don’t have to imagine that. I’ve been living it for seven months…

If I were him I’d worry less about that and more about being woken up every morning. It’s not quite as pleasant a way to start the day as a jolly neighbour singing “Good Morning”.

Having said that, my toddler has now starting singing that very song. That’s a nice way to start the day! She’s wonderful now, as long as you don’t withhold any chocolate from her.

In the end Joey convinced Rachel to Stay Another Day. Which has made me feel all Christmassy.

​It’s nice that everyone’s looking out for Rachel.

Whilst Joey was desperately trying to keep her as a flatmate a friend of mine has had the opposite problem. For months now they’ve wanted one of their flatmates to leave, but they just wouldn’t get the hint! Honestly, it was like crazy Eddie all over again.

And what happened with Phoebe in the end? Things went south with the guy after he accidentally had sex with Ursula, thinking it was her. Even though Ursula’s a piece of work, I really feel like she’s the victim in all this??

But it’s nothing compared to a story I heard the other day. A friend of mine knows these twins and one of them confessed to having a cheeky wank to the sound of their brother having sex. And it gets worse! When they split up, the twin then ended up dating the girl too!!

At least Phoebe wasn’t THAT bad.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We went to Winter Wonderland™ in Hyde Park the other day (two stars).

There was, what I would call, a ‘critical communication failure’. And when we arrived our toddlers coat was not in the car.

Once we’d finished arguing over whose fault it was, my wife gave her coat to the child and I ran off to find the nearest shop. (Before she could make me give her my coat.)

After a brief soujourn to what Google™ said was a very well regarded boutique childrens clothes shop, but was actually a car park, I made it to Primark™, bought a coat and ran back. No harm done!

And we had a wonderland-ful time. Until it was time to leave, when we had an unplanned extra hour of wandering round due to not being able to find an exit. Oh well, at least we were wrapped up warm.

Oh! In all this vasectomy excitement, I’ve completely forgotten about Halloween™

Let’s go back a couple of weeks, and I’ll tell you about me and my friends’s All Hallows Eve…

“The One With the Ghost”

It was a bit more fun than the last few years, seeing it through the eyes of a child.
She’s still too young to go out, but dressed up and had a great deal of excitement rushing to answer the door and giving out sweeties. (Providing she got some herself.)

We didn’t dress up ourselves. And my New York mates were also grappling with this problem. How do you get people to dress up once they’re in the thirties? The biggest nightmare of all.

​They managed it better than us, and had a proper fancy dress party!

(Howdy Doody…)

Having said that, a few of them ducked out! Joey barely dressing up (as Chandler), and Rachel just wore a new dress. She’s obviously getting prepared for parenthood. Even harder to find the time for costumes then.

Rachel indulged her broodiness, handing out sweets to trick or treaters. Then money when the treats ran out… She had a bit of trouble with some of them. But at least they actually said “Trick or Treat”! All the ones that came to our house just stood there awkwardly. Honestly, kids these days…

I’m a bit ashamed I didn’t dress up either. As usual merely loitered in the corner like some sort of Gunther. He got in the Halloween spirit MOST of all. Showing up despite dying a year ago. That’s one hell of a ghost costume…

Wait, did he? That can’t be right. And what’s this? Ursula’s fiancé is the spitting image of Sean Penn. Shouldn’t he be off in Ukraine giving his awards to Zelensky??

I know Ursula’s a piece of work but it’s pretty shocking for Phoebe to be openly flirting with her sister’s fiancé. And not just because he’s Sean Penn. It’s simply not on. Even if Ursula is lying to him.

Like all the best party’s it ended with a bit of arm wrestling.

Chandler let Ross win so he could impress Mona (from the wedding). Needless to say, I beat both of them.

All in all a great party, and really made me want to dress up again! Maybe at New Years™?

​Might be able to make Joey’s dream of a “Slutty Leatherface” a reality.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I swear, this is the last time I will talk about my vasectomy.

I was talking to my wife on the way there, letting my anxieties out, and said something like “we’ve been through so much together”.

Her response “aw baby, don’t worry, you’ll still have your penis”.

Errm. I meant me and you, babe…

If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know it’s my belief that any more than two kids is environmentally irresponsible. So two weeks ago, I decided to put my balls where my err mouth is… and have a vasectomy.

It was that or go vegan. Turns out I like meatballs more than my balls.

I’m now officially out of the two week recovery period. Which means I can no longer refuse things that involve bending/carrying/moving quickly when my wife asks. Yet she had six weeks for the Caesarean. Selfish.

I have to say the afterpain and swelling was not as bad as I was expecting. Although by the end of week one I was desperate to get back to normal. Despite the pain, the first three days (where I could do whatever I wanted without any responsibilities) was amazing. Like a holiday, but with ice packs, and, if anything, served to reinforce my decision.

Retirement can not come quickly enough!  

“The One With the Little Boy Pants”

Whilst I’m lazing around, my New York friends have been hard at work. Or at least, in the office.

They’re still all visiting each other at work! Why does no-one in the UK do this?? You’d think now we’re all working from home it’d finally happen.

​Chandler himself works with someone who doesn’t know his real name and thinks he’s called Toby. To be honest I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t called Bob either. Isn’t it, Jerry? Or Cyril??​

​Chandler’s not too upset about the name thing, despite being there five years, as his full name (as Ross and I found out) is Chandler MURIEL Bing. Ah, Muriel, rolls of the tongue like a glob of spit around a crust of vomit.

Ross and Chandler weren’t the only ones hanging out when they should be working. Phoebe took a visit to Monica’s kitchen. Pretty sure you lose a hygiene star for that sort of thing…

She ended up dating Monica’s Sous Chef who’s a bit of a loser. MATE. Just date Joey! It’s what we all want!!

To complete the set (honestly it’s like someone’s planned this whole thing!) Rachel visited Joey at Days of Our Lives™ and met an actor called Cash. Bit cruel to name an actor after something they never seem to have… He better watch out. She’s definitely got a thing for guys with stupid names. It’s a good job Chandler’s married.

But things turned out crap for both her and Phoebe. Phoebe even had to race Monica to dump the guy before Monica could fire him! Poor sod ended up getting both barrels at once. It was all pretty unprofessional from Monica. Who does she think she is? Elon Musk?

She turned out not as bad, rehiring the guy after feeling sorry for him. And looking, expectantly, at Phoebe. Who promptly ran out. What did Monica expect? She could force her mate to take back someone she didn’t want to be with? Come on Monica.

Ross was a little put out by Rachel’s date. More due to his protectiveness over the baby than lingering feelings for her (Allegedly…)

I thought he was being pretty overprotective for someone who barely sees their first kid! But ate my words when I found out part of his feelings about the new baby came from the fear of losing it to Rachel the same way Carol and Susan have more of a say over Ben. It was a little sad really.

But NOT as sad as the look on Rachel’s face when she sought out Ross for comfort after her terrible date only to see him having a meet cute with Mona (from the wedding).

Not so smart getting that annulment now, ay?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

When you have a vasectomy, one of the things you need is a little extra support. I mean “in that area”. But to be honest, I could have done with a bit more emotional support too. The older I get the more I feel the creep of toxic masculinity as me and friends fail to look out for each other in times of need. Or maybe it’s just because we only talk by text?

Perhaps there’s a cultural thing here too? My American friends didn’t ask me about it once…No wonder New York needs so many therapists.

Anyway, the doctor was explaining to me I’d need pants two sizes too small. Now, I am a slender man, not quite “star in a horror film” slender. More (as my friend once described it) “Mr Burns Body”.

The doctor turned to me and said “looking at you, I’d say you need 12 year old pants”!!!

Fortunately, as I never buy new clothes, all my pants are 12 years old.

Once he’d corrected my misunderstanding I was left with a conundrum. Where do people actually buy pants these days? Usually my mum gets me a couple of pairs for Christmas™ and that’s been enough. (I am thirty three years old…)

My first inclination was “look on Amazon™”. But you try putting “white Y-Fronts” into Amazon™! It’s completely full of novelty/sexy ones instead of regular pants! And this is how my wife came to find me staring at pictures of semi-naked men on the internet when I was supposed to be working. (M’lud…)

Eventually I had to ask my mum! Where do people buy normal pants?? Why is this some sort of secret mum knowledge instead of something you can find easily online? But even she struggled to find ones small enough. So we confirmed the worst. I would either have to get XXS mail ordered from Japan, and risk them not arriving in time. Or spend two weeks wearing 12 year old boys pants.

I’m not going to say which one I went with. But let’s just say I’m probably now on some sort of register.

Parenthood continues to be a joy.

Full of daily laughs, and the “newborn”, somehow already six months, is a delight.

I even get bits of time to do other things again! It’s almost as if my struggle with the hard bits, and tedium, the first time round was because we weren’t allowed to do anything else.

Almost.

And so I settle down to watch Friends™. Only to be interrupted by a whiny, shrill, voice:

“I don’t want to watch Fwends, I want to watch my progwamm”

Don’t you hate it when your other half hogs the TV?

Only kidding. I am, of course, talking about my, increasingly TV obsessed two year old. Truly we are our parents children.

As I’m forced to watch yet another episode of Paw Patrol™…

THAT’S IT.

I’m getting a vasectomy.

“The One With the Vasectomy”

First Chandler and Monica are back from their honeymoon. They made some “couple friends”. Much to the chagrin of the perpetually single Joey and Phoebe. If ONLY there was some way of sorting THAT problem. HINT. HINT.

Mr and Mrs Bing thought they made friends. Turns out they got a fake number. Can’t do that nowadays. You want to really lose someone you’ve got to give a fake name!

(Or delete all social media which, to be honest, probably wouldn’t be a great loss given Facebook™ is now one third adverts, one third baby photos, and one third  “suggested post”. And let’s not mention Twitter™ now being owned by Elon Musk™)

Phoebe and Joey are way ahead of us with the fake names, which makes me think (correctly in Joey’s case, it turns out) they may be using them to have sex with people then ghost them. I’m not entirely sure sex under a fake identity isn’t a form of rape?

Probably best not to dwell on it as we laugh at Phoebe’s fake name “Regina Phalange”.

Hang on; didn’t she once say she had a sorority sister with that name?

Yerh, she did! It was right after Ross’s cousin came to stay.

Him and Rachel are arguing over who made the first move when they made the baby. He claims she was sending him signals all day. But he doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to picking up signals. Just ask his cousin.

Fortunately the bickering stops (who’d want to bring a kid up in THAT environment) as Ross can prove what happened because he accidentally filmed it. Why he doesn’t explain it was accidentally to everyone immediately I will never know.

Anyway, through the medium of film, we can go back to six weeks ago! Confusingly this was when I was at Chandler and Monica’s wedding. Woah. Ross’s sperm must work quick…

Good job he’s got no game. Or there’d be a lot more babies kicking around!

In the run up to the baby making with Rachel, he confessed to Joey he hadn’t had sex in six months. Joey gave him some tips. Presumably leading with “don’t be such a creepy, desperate, weirdo the whole time”.

But the real key was Joey’s magic story about hitchhiking through Western Europe. Which Ross, reliably, cocked up on his date. So Joey told him he could use his audition taping set-up to practise. Mate, just used your smartphone.

Ross “accidentally” left it running when Rachel got back home. Hence the sex tape. Which, Joey is desperate to watch. As we all are. I mean. You would, wouldn’t you?

Sagely, it’s now almost exactly six years (SIX!) since I was last talking about sex tapes. And I’ve still yet to make one… How much time I’ve wasted.

It would be kind of cool to have a video of your kids conception. No? Just me? It’d be a hell of a thing to bust out at birthdays.

In this case it turns out pretty useful, as we find out it WAS Rachel who instigated things. By using Joey’s story, no less.

Later on, it’s just me, Rachel and Ross. And we decide to watch the whole thing. They’re giddily excited, which… you would be. I can’t imagine watching a sex tape I’d made with someone and it not making us want to do it again. Careful guys, you know what happened last time!

This is probably my cue to leave.

In any case, these days making a sex tape is far less relatable than something like Chandler and Monica struggling to find a time to schedule a double date.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Not to beat around the bush (which is incidentally, not how you get pregnant) I am now sitting with swollen, bruised balls.

The drastic action of a vasectomy not some rash decision taken in a fit of rage over a TV remote. But rather, carefully considered for almost a year.

I thought it would be harder. Not the operation itself. Getting one on the NHS. Part of why we’ve done it so soon after our second child was expecting a massive waiting period. Given it took my dad nine months for a cancer check-up, which was subsequently delayed by the Queens funeral, you’d think their priorities would be a bit different.

The operation was indeed hard. THAT’S an experience I would not care to repeat. The nurse and doctor were amazing, and all done in half an hour(!), but it was deeply unpleasant. In the days following the procedure I’ve struggled to overcome my shame at fainting. Perhaps I need to do a lot more work on conquering toxic masculinity than I let on?

But the sensation of the anaesthetic needle going in, and the cleaning and tugging that followed, is not something I will forget in a hurry. Next time someone offers me a good tug I’m gona think a lot longer before saying yes.

They mainly ask only a few questions for you to get the appointment. Maybe it used to be more difficult before the NHS was pushed to breaking point? I suppose now people having less kids is one way to keep future costs down.

The big questions are:

“Is your family complete?” – Yes, we’ve got two wonderful kids, and lucky enough to have a girl and boy. Plus I decided a long time ago anything more than two would be environmentally and (now) economically irresponsible.

“Have you considered other forms of birth control?” Durh. Did you not read my blog about accidentally buying three years worth of condoms?

“Are you aware that this is irreversible?” Yes, you’ve made that quite clear, thank you.

Despite our answers to the questions it’s the irreversibility, and the feelings that come with it after the fact, that I’m not as fully prepared for as I thought. (Which is not dissimilar to the experience of having children...)

Going to the bathroom and removing the cotton wool I was struck by a vivid memory of the operation. And a sudden feeling of finality, and a profound sense of loss. I know it’s something my wife has struggled with too. More so. We’ve both had our own moments of tears over the change.

Family members too, invite you to consider hypothetical futures:
"What if you divorce?" Well, I’ve already got my family. Any future partners will have to deal with it. I’d be unlikely to want to get back on the ride as I approach my return to freedom anyway. My mother took thing’s further: "Your new one’s very young, do you not want to wait till after winter?" Excuse me mum?! What are you suggesting? At this point he’s got more chance of making it through winter than you do. Have you seen the price of gas?

For me, it’s not so much any lost hypothetical future that’s hard to process. More this feeling of being prematurely old. The same way I feel about having two kids. Like I closed my eyes one day, and now I’m here. Sterilised and with my family all ready and built. No more mysteries.

There was one other hoop to jump through: The pre-examination. Bizarrely I had to wear a facemask during this. “Ok, I’m gonna cup your balls, but please don’t breathe on me.” Who are you, my wife?

“Hrrm, interesting.” The doctor said. “You know that thing old women get in their legs?”

“Varicose veins?”

“Yes. You’ve got that. But in your ball.”
​
“Oh … can you fix it? You know, while you’re down there.”

“Oh no, much too risky.”

“Is it a worry?”

“Not really, slightly increased risk of testicular cancer. The most common side effect is infertility.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! If my old woman ball was a bit more effective I could have avoided this whole procedure!??!

Ultimately, we’ve known for a long while it’s the correct decision. A third child would cause more negativity than positivity in all our lives. This gives us a sense of security, (hopefully) an improved sex life, and an even bigger incentive to treasure the little moments with the children we already have. Even as they already slip through time. Where have the last two years gone? Where have the last six months gone. He’s already trying solid food.
​
He’ll be having his own kids before I know it. With his own, perfect, unscarred, un-varicose veiny little ballsack. The bastard.
​
If, after reading this, you’re considering a vasectomy, why not book a consultation today?
​
Apparently you can pull out at any time.