Torn To Ribbons
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8.14 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Secret Closet”

23/4/2023

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I’ve been thinking recently: it’s been ages since I’ve seen Phoebe playing music. At least a few years since she’s performed in Central Perk™.

I almost miss it.

I was beginning to wonder if she’s quit. But here she is picking up her guitar from Monica’s. It’s starting to feel the same with my drumming. I still play now and then, keeping the option of playing more often in the future open. But I’m not sure that time will ever come. If I was serious, I’d be playing almost every other day again. Playing with several bands again. But recently I’ve realised I no longer see a time when this will happen.

It’s been such a huge part of my identity. But it feels like it’s slowly slipping away. And there’s nothing I can do to change it. By the time I live in a place with drums I can play regularly without annoying the neighbours, and the time to do it, it’ll be too late to make anything of it.

Oh, to live in a world where I don’t have to work.

Like my Friends™ seem to.

“The One With the Official Looking Letter”

Phoebe’s stumbled in on Monica getting a massage from another woman. I told you last week. These Gellars cannot be trusted…

I don’t understand why Monica wouldn’t be getting Phoebe to do it. If I had a friend who was a masseuse I’d be getting free massages all the time! Or, if I had a masseuse friend who didn’t live on another continent…

When Monica relents and let’s Phoebe massage her it turns out Monica makes sex noises when being massaged. I’m not sure this is any less weird than Phoebe revealing when they lived together she “got curious” and spied on naked Monica. What the hell???

But it got stranger still. Phoebe started getting into it and talking back “oh yerh. You like that?”

I thought it would turn out Monica was faking it to put Phoebe off. But no. I’m not sure I’ve ever been THAT relaxed.

At least they didn’t see me watching. Then it would have been REALLY awkward.

“Where was I?” You ask? Monica’s secret closet. Chandler was desperately trying to get in to see what she was hiding in there. It turns out: all the things she doesn’t have a neat spot for in the flat. Cue Chandler calling her Fred Sandford. And me wandering who the hell that is.

Google™ informs me he’s from an American remake of Steptoe and Son™. Which I did not know existed. Is there nothing those Yanks won’t steal from the Brits?

Rachel is yet to discover Joey’s feelings for her exist. (Tenuous link there, I’ll grant you…)

She wakes him excitedly to feel her bump. Narrowly avoiding accidentally feeling his “bump” in the duvet. I get that they are friends, but it is a little intimate if you ask me.

He takes the surrogate father role further too (to Ross’s chagrin) taking Rachel to hospital after she experiences Braxton Hicks Contractions™. Oh I remember those. Though have nothing to say on the topic. As Rachel says “No Uterus. No Opinion.” Too right! I think I know a few women who’d like THAT on a t-shirt.

Ross does show up for Rachel on more than one occasion. Abandoning Mona in the process. To be honest I’m a little surprised to find they’re still dating. You’d think she would have left given how crazy Ross was a few months ago! And things are bound to get more complex as Joey convinces Rachel to move in with Ross.

Two birds. One stone.

Things ended with myself and Chandler consoling Joey as he sat sadly downing orange juice that was “past its date”.

Hrrm. I’m not entirely sure he hadn’t switched something stronger in there. His drinking seems to be becoming more of a problem if he’s going to the trouble of hiding it from us…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Bit of a sad one here. Or, a bittersweet one.

I finally got the letter back regarding my vasectomy, and it confirmed, it was a success. I am now sterile.

Come and get it ladies!

Knowing for sure has made the finality hit me again. And I’m left feeling very old. Another host of future doors shut.

​I know it’s old fashioned. But it’s hard to remove myself from the feeling that ability to procreate is a huge part of what makes a man a man. My mind says “there’s much more to life”. But my heart, like Chandler on losing his nubbin, thinks “Huh… The source of all my power…”
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8.13 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath”

15/4/2023

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​Recently, a vague memory of Chandler giving Cathy ‘the Velveteen Rabbit’ popped into my head.

We’re looking for longer books for my (now almost 3 years old!) child. So I thought I’d pickup a copy!

I excitedly set about reading it. To find it’s about a toy rabbit who can’t tell what’s real or not. What an idiot.

Unfortunately it proved a little too advanced so we’ve yet to finish it.

Disappointing really. Maybe instead I should show her ‘Old Yeller’?

Or ‘Kujo’.

“The One With the Fake Tan”

It’s two O’ clock on a Wednesday. Which, of course, means my American Friends™ are lazing around their apartment. Honestly, this country‘s going to the dogs…

Their arcade machine has mysteriously vanished. Perhaps it’s in the guest bedroom?

Monica suggests Chandler has a bath. Which he, in typical fashion, thinks is a little “gay”. Man, he’s so insecure. Also… Didn’t she already introduce him to the wonders of baths?? Three and a half years ago! Seems their days of sexy together baths are behind them. This is what happens when you marry, guys!

Looking back, at that time, my other friend Monica Number 2 was job-hunting. Somewhat unusually, they’re still without a job; having settled into a life of househusbandry and luxury. (Although, to be fair, a big part of that is their current visa requirements out in Yemen).

Today EVERYONE appears to be not working! Ross and Rachel are going for their latest baby scan. And discussing names.

It always took us a long time for baby names. It was a lot of fun. It’s sad to think we won’t be doing it again.

Hang on. Did they say ‘Ruth Gellar’?!? Surely it’s not going to be Gellar?! Even when they were married it was “Gellar-Green”, wasn’t it?

You want to put your foot down Rachel. You never know, the way things are going, they might end up being a Tribbiani.

Everyone’s trying to guess Joey’s secret. It’s painfully obvious he fancies someone. And Monica guesses Phoebe. Which does make more sense… But I suppose we don’t choose who we fall in love with.

This leave Phoebe embarrassed when she confronts him. And I’m left feeling sorry for everyone!

Poor Phoebe, getting her hopes up.

Poor Rachel, having the sex of her child revealed by Ross when they said they wouldn’t find out. (Incidentally, why is it a “Gender Reveal Party” when the correct term would be “Sex Reveal Party”. I guess if you’re inviting someone to a “Sex Reveal Party” they may come expecting something quite different.)

Poor Joey, unable to cope with his feelings.

And Poor Chandler, unable to enjoy a bath in peace without people barging in to pester him. An experience my wife can very much relate to.

Hang on. The only ones here not having a hard time are the Gellars!

Maybe these guys should cut them loose.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:


Over the weekend I turned to my wife and told her she had a bit of chocolate above her lip.

“Oh, that’s not Chocolate.”


“Oh God, it’s not…”


“What, NO. Ew. But I’m too embarrassed to tell you.”


“What then? Make-up?”


“Sort of…”


And so, I found out my wife had watched a TikTok™ video suggesting permanently contouring your face by using fake tan. And instead of thinking “that’s a silly idea” decided to give it a go.

Resulting in a big wonky brown line across her fulcrum.

Maybe China’s real plan is to bring down the West by making us all look stupid…

Later, I noticed she’d done under her chin as well. And for the rest of the day, whenever I looked, it was like she’d whited up her face.

​Help! I’ve married a mime.
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    One mans quest to watch all of the classic 90s sit-com Friends™ in real time over ten years.

    Mostly updated every other Sunday.

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