“The One With the Other Dad Stepping In”

Part 1

With Rachel in labour, Ross takes her off to hospital. And they get there in just SEVEN minutes.

A markedly different experience to our second child, when my wife had to hitchhike and I had to take a detour via her mum’s because the car caught fire.

Weirdly, after the trauma of the first time, we weren’t particularly put out by that.
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The real scary thing about labour, is quite how far they’ve swung to the right to try and take the centre ground. (Sorry couldn’t resist… honestly, I am team Kier all the way.)

The REAL scary thing about labour, is you can plan and plan and plan, but you never really know which way it’s going to go. As Rachel finds when hers drags ON and ON. Even with the unpleasant recovery, the planned Caesarean for our second, was much more re-assuring, with much less chance of surprise. Bar the car catching fire.

Rachel and Ross are surprised to find everyone else already at the hospital. As am I. They all got taxis yet somehow got there within five minutes? How long was the drive? Two minutes?!? Interestingly, and I’m not sure if anyone has ever worked this out, this means the hospital is almost certainly St Vincent’s as it must be closest to Greenwich Village.

Maybe it didn’t actually take Rachel and Ross seven minutes to get there, and the reason the rest are there first is that they DID in fact stop to finish the sex.

It’s nice the others can all be there for them. (What is this, a Rembrandt’s song?!) Certainly beats the crushing loneliness and abject horror of doing it during a lockdown. Rachel wants a private room, but ends up with a cavalcade of terrible couples being wheeled in. An overbearing, oversharing couple, a gross sleazy man and jealous wife, and (worst of all) Janice.

Eh, maybe us having a bit of privacy was a good thing.

To be completely honest, my wife and I were so excited when Janice appeared our one year old picked up on it and started clapping.

I mean when she appeared in St Vincent’s. She didn’t appear when we were in the hospital.

Three hours in and Phoebe is massively bored. I’ve wondered before if she’s a little bit autistic, is it fair to say she might also be a little ADHD?

I was secretly quite relieved that both my wife’s labours were (relatively) quick. (I am fully aware, that they felt anything but “quick” for her).

Before the birth, my wife was a little offended at me suggesting I might get bored whilst sitting in a hospital doing very little for, potentially, as many as three days. Bearing in mind this came after three months of doing fuck all in the pandemic, you’d think she’d be a bit more accepting of me thinking I’d find it hard sitting around doing nothing except considering the possibility of her dying and leaving me alone with a helpless infant whilst the world outside burns.

 Maybe we should have had some party games ready in the car just in case?

Phoebe gets over her boredom by meeting a nice man and convincing Joey to pretend to be Dr Drake Ramoray to scope him out. He willingly agrees to this for some reason. I guess it must be hard for him going so long without a drink.

After a while, Monica, too, is bored. So decides to play a dangerous game with Chandler: pretending she now wants to have a child.

But it turns out he’s into it!! A little too into it… and they decide to sneak off to find a secret place to begin their attempt. I suppose that’s one way to alleviate the boredom. Though I suspect my wife would have taken a dim view of me doing that whilst she was in labour.

Sex in a hospital feels a little wrong. What if you’re getting into it and a medical emergency rushes in?! Or worse. Monica’s mum.

She’s shown up to the hospital to give Ross his Nans engagement ring, to try and persuade him to propose to Rachel. I was a bit confused about this, until I remembered the concept of Chekhov’s Engagement Ring™. You see one of those in the first act; you know it’s coming back later on…

Part 2

Phoebe’s ruse gets rumbled when her new crush see’s Joey on hospital TV. So she resorts to a bit of literal gaslighting to try and get out of it. Jesus. The poor guy calls her out on it, so Joey tries to save their burgeoning abusive relationship by sharing some embarrassing things about her. Like that she was MARRIED TO A GAY ICE DANCER?!? Wow, I’ve completely forgotten that. Makes me worry what embarrassing secrets I’ve forgot about my OTHER friends.

Phoebe may be struggling to nail down a guy who isn’t terrible, but sweet old Janice has wound up with a man who’s largely deaf. There truly is someone for everyone out there…

It’s actually quite unpleasant how openly mean to her Chandler and Ross are. Sure, she’s definitely getting weirder with age. But that may very well be because she’s in labour. In the end, she also gets rushed off to give birth before Rachel. Who, it’s safe to say, is getting pretty annoyed at this point.

When Rachel finally is ready, it seems a pretty easy birth. Despite the actually quite dangerous discovery that the baby is breach when they see buttock’s instead of a head. Or, as Ross puts it, two heads. Well, they do say they’re better than one.

You’d think they’d be a little more annoyed the mid-wifes missed this potentially life threatening complication until the baby was already crowning? People would sue you for less.

But it turns out OK, and Rachel and Ross share an affectionate kiss again. Boy, this is complex. There’s been a lot of talk of opening cans of worms lately. You never know where a kiss might take you. But if it seems right in the moment and the chance may not come again? Maybe it’s fine for them to just have the possibility there and get on with their lives.

Or in Rachel’s case, get on with stealing Monica’s life. Not content with having an unplanned child before baby-mad Monica, she goes one further, and takes the name Monica planned for her child!! Brutal.

Monica gives her permission, but you do have to wonder quite how OK with it she is, there’s quite a lot of pressure in that moment to give the new mother anything they want isn’t there?

Later, Janice get’s a moment alone with Rachel, and voices her concern that Ross may not stick around forever. It’s sad that her husband left her alone. But I guess not that sad for his new wife and kids. Or her new partner, for that matter. And she seems happier than when she was with the Mattress King™.

This talk seems to play on Rachel’s mind a bit, so she brings the kiss up with Ross. Who completely fucks his chance to tie her down whilst the hormones are still there. It must be hard when everyone around you are telling you you should be together, but there’s so much history at play.

It turns out Ross has good reason for once again fumbling his shot at getting the one thing he’s wanted since being a teenager. He’s worried about the fallout for little Emma if things go south. Our little boy’s all grown up. Not so much “stay together for the kids” as “stay apart for the kids”.

I find it weird it’s all talk of Ross meeting someone else and having a new life without Rachel and Emma. Aside from the fact I don’t think he’s sort of guy to abandon his kids, there’s no consideration for the possibility that she might meet someone new.

And, just like that, Joey is there on his knee, having accidentally found the Gellar ring on the floor, Rachel get’s the wrong idea, and… say’s “OK”?!?!

Man. She must still be on drugs.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Whilst I grapple with nappies, and adjust to a life of constant worry and responsibility, my best friend from Primary School has had a markedly different decade.

After uni they met a woman in a position not dissimilar to Rachel’s, with two children from a previous relationship. And, as the story goes, fell in love. Now, after ten plus years of getting to know the kids, being there for the family, and basically being a dad, they’re in the (perhaps enviable) position of waving the kids off to uni and excitedly planning how they’re going to spend the rest of their 30’s and 40’s.

It’s OK… you go, go on without me… I’ll see you in 18 years.

​What I’m saying is, hold out hope Rachel! There are great guys out there. You don’t have to settle for Joey OR Ross.

Rachel’s ready to pop.

I’m shocked she’s now overdue. It feels like way less than nine months!

More shockingly, it’s actually much longer!

I wasn’t there when they conceived (I promise, officer). But you can do some maths to work out when it was from how open Ross is about how little he gets laid.
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Back in season seven episode fifteen he says he hasn’t had sex in 3 and a half months. Later, he excuses his sex with Rachel by saying it had been six months with no sex.

Therefore, 2 and a half months after S07E15 is when the baby making happened.

This puts the date of conception a whopping thirteen months ago!! No wonder she’s sick of it…

​In a wonderful twist of fate, I am delighted to say my OG Rachel and Ross are now also pregnant!

And not just because it coincides with my American Friends™. I’m not going to creepily work out when they conceived. But they definitely get points for being the most series accurate couple I know. Even if they’ve had a markedly more successful relationship than Ross and Rachel. It’s great they’ve made it all this way.
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Generally, there’s a perception women are giving birth later and later. But I’m not sure this has changed much since the 90s. Based on my, admittedly, very narrow, sample; a lot more of my British friends have succumbed to parenthood than my American ones. Though this may be reflective of the fact we were already slightly more monogamous (as a group) at the very start of things.
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In the baby group, along with the Rachel’s and Ross’s we’ve got:

My other Ross Number 1
David the Science Guy
My two doctor friends, both dubbed Doctor Phalange, one married to yet another Ross and the other to yet another Rachel
And me, and my wife (obviously). My wife being Phoebe Number 3, and Me somehow ending up being Phoebe Number 1, Chandler Number 3, and Monica Number 1.Hrrm, I may have to bare that in mind next time someone accuses me of being self-obsessed… A point further proved by me also dubbing one of my friends “Me Number 2”. Although they’ve done a great job of living up to that too, by recently having a baby of their own.
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Strangely, in an argument for nominative determinism, the baby-free group is exclusively made up of baby-free Friends analogues:
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Joey Number 1
Chandler Number 1
Monica Number 2
Joey Number 4

Maybe we really can tell something about ourselves by which Friends™ we are?

“The One Where We Catch Up With Old Friends”

​Speaking of long gestations, Joey’s World War 1 film is only just coming out?!

Weren’t they shooting that like three years ago? Was it delayed by the pandemic? Or the writer’s strike? Perhaps it’s just not very good and they were trying to save it in the edit…

Chandler certainly seems to think so, falling asleep during the premiere!

Not the best thing to do after Joey picked him over the others to thank him for all his support over the years. It was really nice seeing Joey so honestly and openly thanking Chandler. Before Phoebe ruined it by making a gay joke.

​In Chandler’s defence, when you gotta sleep, you’ve gotta sleep. I’m never going to live down the time we spent huge sums of money to go see Evita™ on the West End™, only for me to fall asleep for the second half.

Now I’ll never know whether Argentina cried for her or not.

With Rachel due any second the others liven it up by placing some bets. I would have lost this massively by betting it would be four months ago.
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Needless to say, Rachel is getting a bit testy, biting off Ross’s head at any opportunity. She even gets annoyed at him breathing loudly. Huh. I’d always assumed my wife getting annoyed at the sound of my breathing was because we were stuck together in lockdown. Turns out she was just pregnant.

Like Rachel we tried all the things to hurry it along. Special tea, spicy curry, long walks. Well, I’m not sure we tried the sex. It’s hard to do that without breathing. Rachel and Ross are a little unsure on that. Don’t want to open a “can of worms”. Sorry, didn’t doing it thirteen months ago already open that can?!
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The pressure is mounting on Ross to do the right thing. Personally I don’t know why he wouldn’t be straight on that. But I am a notorious pervert. I suppose your sister also trying to persuade you to do it (so she can win the bet) might put you off a little bit.

In the end, after a little too much badgering from Rachel, Ross snaps and goes for angry baby sex.

But before they can get down to the good part, Rachel’s waters break!!

Who knew Ross was so good at making women wet.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

One of my other non-parent mates has an annual birthday around this time of year.

They like to mark it with a cricket game in the park. And I was INCREDIBLY pumped, not only for a bit of kid-free time, but also for the chance to finally get a bit of exercise.

I got down early, did all my stretches, and had a big coffee so I’d be bursting with energy.
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I confidently stepped up to bat first, visions of getting a century, and becoming the British Shane Warne in my head. And my mate promptly bowled me out in two balls.
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Ah well, at least I got some sun.

The work wedding came and went without incident.

Our eldest impressed me with her energy, then lived up to her old man by getting tired way too quickly. But DID manage to avoid falling asleep in ham.

You win this round. Baby.

This did mean we had to leave slightly earlier than I would have liked. And after barely having talked to anyone. Networking with a child, not the ideal situation.

I’m not entirely sure why I bothered bringing my wife, I don’t think anyone at work could pick her out of a line up after that. Hrrm, given they’re all lawyers this may come in handy in the future…

And now to convince my wife to embark on a life of crime.

“The One With the Work Wedding”

It’s only one week from Rachel’s due date, and they haven’t even got a crib!!

Come on, no-one could be THAT ill prepared. We’ve still got our crib, hoping to give it to a friend, but things are unfortunately going a bit slow for them.

HEY RACHEL. YOU WANNA BUY A CRIB?!?

Maybe they’re so unprepared cause she’s actually still a few months off. She certainly looks it. I mean, I know she is Rachel. But I’ve never seen a woman this close to pop who was still so little.

Chandler even calls her fatty! Mate, have you seen yourself these last few seasons? (Bit of revenge for Keanu Reeves there)

His lack of tact is some cause for concern, as he’s about to interview for a big job. VICE PRESIDENT. The President of Vice. You’d think that would be Joey wouldn’t you?

Oh shit. He said what he actually does for a job!! Did anyone catch that?? I think it was… nope. It’s gone. Damn. I guess we’ll never know.

The advice everyone gives is “Just, don’t be yourself.” Which is… terrible advice for a job interview!

Well, maybe unless you are Chandler.

I remember well the advice given to me by a friends dad when I said I was considering a job in accounts:

“ARE YOU MAD. DON’T DO IT YOU’LL SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE HATING YOURSELF.”

No wait. Sorry, that wasn’t it.

“If you’ve got a personality you’ll go far.”

They weren’t wrong! I’ve barely gone anywhere.

Although I do think, unlike Chandler, you’ve got to show a fair bit of yourself in an interview. People want the real you. I must be doing something right. I’ve got the only two jobs I’ve applied for in the last 6 years. A REAL shame I couldn’t take the last one… (yes I am still annoyed about that.)

Elsewhere, Ross is explaining the situation with Rachel to a young lady at the store. Wow. It really does sound bad when you explain it. And yet the lady hits on him! Man, she knows he’s got kids… What’s she doing??

And Rachel is right there. Understandably a little jealous. Though also, I’m not sure she has any particular claim to him? Still. You’d think the lady, and Ross, would wait a couple of months!

You’re gona at least want him well enough rested to perform.

It turns out Rachel wants him well rested, and then some. Snapping under the competition (or maybe, understandably, getting a bit worried about the impending birth) “I want you to be at my constant beck and call!” God. Women, ay?? Can’t even impregnate them without them wanting you to not run around sleeping with other women.

In the midst of all this, both Rachel and Ross play a dangerous game. “Hey… are you sure you don’t… want something more?” before adding “ah, I’m just messing with you!!”

Come now. We all know the game. “Let’s put something on the table, and if it doesn’t land
claim it was just a joke”. Even if that’s not what they’re doing. Surely there’s so much risk the other one thinks they are??

I’m not convinced either of them don’t want it. But it’s timing. Always timing. Timing, timing, timing. If it isn’t now when would it be??

​Elsewhere, elsewhere. Joey and Monica accidentally join a cooking class.

Maybe Joey’s having a crisis of confidence after admitting to the Soap Life interviewer he doesn’t actually like soaps.

He’s branching out and auditioning to be a quiz presenter.

Shame there’s not a way for me to branch out. Once you’re doing accounts, that’s it.

Trapped by the WENUS.

​Thankfully I’ve got my friends and games to distract me. And now we’re trying out BAMBOOZLED™ to prepare Joey for his audition. Everything’s a little too complicated but we got into it (especially Ross).

Seems that, despite being the most emotionally literate generation of men that’s ever existed. When we meet up we still just play board games instead of talking about our problems.

“The One With the Accidental Wedding”

Hey, it’s Rachel’s mom! (She’s got it going on…)

Haven’t seen her for six years! Before I was even married! (Resisting the urge to joke about “halcyon days” here.)

It was the exact time I got a tattoo cause my Friends™ told me to. Man I was so susceptible to peer pressure back then. Not like now. Hey Rachel’s having a baby shower! Maybe we should have another baby…
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Rachel’s sisters are missing in action. I guess they could only afford one Greene? Those ladies don’t come cheap.

It’s weird we haven’t seen her mum for six years. Imagine not seeing your mum for six years!

Although, to be fair, this is “Friends™” not “Mums”.

To liven things up Phoebe suggests a stripper dressed as a baby which, unfortunately, doesn’t come to pass. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a baby shower. Do they usually have strippers? Have I been missing out this whole time?

Do they even happen these days? Or have they been supplanted by “Gender Reveal Parties™”?
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Aside from it making me feel old, I’m a little relieved I’ve put these behind me. It’s a little bleak. Monica spends the whole time desperate to impress Mrs Greene after forgetting to invite her. And Rachel finds she’s woefully unprepared to be a mum.
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I’ll say! Supposed to be three weeks from the due date and barely looks six months pregnant.

But it’s a feeling I can relate to all too well. Don’t worry Rachel, you’ll pick it up quick once you’re in the maelstrom! Well, maybe with a partner as committed as mine, I’m not sure Ross will deliver quite as high a level of research.

Now we’ve had two I’m enjoying talking to my mates with younger kids from a position of authority. But it’s hard to get away from the fact that when you finally feel you know everything it’s too late to be useful. Until it’s my turn to become an overbearing grandmother! Can’t wait.

Should Ross not be at this baby shower? Too busy playing Bamboozled™ I suppose. Typical MAN.
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I’m wondering if he even did the baby stuff last time? It must have been weird single parenting from the off. I feel a bit sorry for him actually. Always assume it’s his fault he see’s Ben so little. Easy to forget he accidentally married a lesbian.

He arrives late to the party and confirms that even though they weren’t living together he still regularly took Ben as a baby. Poor guy. Put in all that effort and then ending up barely seeing him!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

​We’ve got a wedding this weekend. A friend from work.

We ummed and arred about if we’d be going, who would be going, the various combinations of kids we could do. And it turns out I completely forgot to RSVP. Oh no! Well, I suppose I don’t know them that well. It’s not the end of the world. Oo hey, I could finally do that trip to the tip I haven’t had time for! Maybe clean the house a bit. This is a bit of a win really!

But then on Friday they emailed to say they’d managed to shift things round and get us back on the list. Oh what have I done. Causing them all this last minute stress. AND now we HAVE to go.

We’ve decided to lose the youngest and go with the three year old. A nice chance for her to see what a real party’s about and stay up a bit late!

Plus a convenient excuse for us to leave early.

​Should be fun!

Joey’s refusing an interview with “Soap Lives” or, some magazine about soaps.

Can’t be that bad. Just tell them you love Dove™. No-one can argue with that.

But now he’s reconsidering, after finding he’s an answer in a crossword puzzle. Maybe his profile could be a bit bigger?

Monica’s into the crossword though! Excitedly touching “three down”. Joey, presumably ready to move on from Rachel, turns on the charm. But Monica rebuts “Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doing?”

What indeed. Chandler’s RIGHT there.

Helpfully reminding Joey “If ONLY there was something in your head that controls the things you say.”

We could all do with a bit more of that sometimes!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Tim Minchin’s Groundhog Day: The Musical™ has finally launched in London!

I’m sure I don’t need remind you, as an AVID follower of my work, that this was the musical we saw in New York™ when I proposed. A musical about a man repeating the same day over and over again. Which, as a metaphor for marriage, is a little on the nose.

But we’ve been desperate to see it again ever since! So jumped at finally getting the chance.

Taking along my wife’s mother for good measure, it was every bit as good as we remembered. We laughed, we cried, I found a song about a man not giving up in the face of repeated failed attempts to kill himself oddly inspiring.
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And it was wonderful to get a bit of time for just us (well, and mother-in-law) before my wife took the kids off on a holiday without me this week. At lot of people have highlighted how “lucky” I am that she’s decided to book a week in a caravan with her friend and another child. As if I’m not still spending the entire week working and doing house work.

I’d be lying if I said I’d happily turn the tables. But, as a modern 21st Century Dad™, I really will have to put my money where my insistence I’m a feminist is, get my Ross on, and return the favour in the future.

Just as soon as I finish writing that novel I’ve been working on the last decade…
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Anyway, we were singing the praises of Tim Minchin’s Groundhog Day: The Musical™ on the way back. Laughing over the line “I once masturbated seven times” (which I recognise, makes very little sense out of context). But my wife decided to have a go:

“That’s relatable! For you I mean.”

I responded “Excuse me? I’m much too busy for that!”

And then my mother-in-law piped up “well, you’ve got all of next week to practise!”

The horror.

“The One With the Mother-In-Law Joke”
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My Friends™ are sitting in Central Perk™ as Joey’s interview is about to commence. Phoebe arrives late.

“Shhh! We’re not talking…”

“Finally!” as Phoebe slumps into her chair.

You’re telling me! It’s been eight years of this. You’d think they’d have run out of things to say.

And indeed, it seems they have, as most of the next twenty minutes is spent reviewing things Joey’s done as he struggles to answer questions.

Oh yerh, play the greatest hits. Go on. Great stuff. Going through the motions, walking through the park, nothing seems to penetrate my… heart. Sorry, that’s a different show from the 90s. Seems I’ve got confused by the Groosalugg showing up the other week.

Oh look, Julie!!! Lovely Julie. I wander what she’s doing now? (Doing now… doing now…)

And the Chick and Duck (R.I.P.)

Also, I can’t be only one that completely forgot Joey was in Porn?!?

When asked what’s he’s proud of; why on earth wouldn’t he say working with Gary Oldman!??

It’s funny what you forget and what stays with you isn’t it? All those moments lost in time (tears/rain etc etc) and those times that play repeatedly in your head, after so much time.

If ONLY there was something in your head that controls the things you think.

“And, what do you do in your spare time?”

Oo, I know that one! Drinking, isn’t it? Our boy loves a drink. Numbing the pain, anything to feel free.

Isn’t this all just pointless nostalgia?? Did they think he was gonna leave or something?

​Apparently, Ross is really good at toasts! He knows how to hit the right spot to bring a tear to the eye.

I can’t be the only one who finds it, somewhat, unsurprising he’s good at making women cry?

My go to toast is “to absent friends!”

This started as a fun joke about what a great time we were having. But is now just a sad thing I say when drinking alone.

At least I’ve still got Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel.

This year it’s Monica’s turn to do at speech at her parents anniversary, which does NOT go well. We’ve got a party today ourselves. My daughters THIRD party. Maybe I should knock out a speech?

It can’t be any worse than Monica’s, which clumsily evokes memories of a dead dog and dead nan in attempt to gain sympathy. What is this, a debut Edinburgh Fringe Comedy hour?

Not that I’m above dropping a dead grandparent into a speech. I made sure to include a shout-out to my wifes beloved nan in my wedding speech. Though perhaps could have done without using it to make a point about NHS underfunding.

The only plus of Monica’s speech is thanking her parents for setting a positive example of marriage. I made a similar point in my wedding speech. Along with thanking all those who were divorced for showing us there is a way out.

“The One With a Little Night Music”

After last week’s terrible date, Phoebe moved onto Alec “look out he’s got a gun!” Baldwin.
He turns out to be way too enthusiastic about everything. Poor Phoebe. Is this what dating is like in your mid 30s? Slim pickings…

It seems Jack and Judy Gellar have the right of it. They’ve been married 35 years! Hang on. Isn’t Ross 35? Oh man! They had a shotgun wedding!! So it comes as no surprise they’ve been telling people Rachel and Ross are married again.

The unexpected bonus for Rachel and Ross is all the rich Gellar relatives start giving them money.

And what is marriage for, if not to give you a series of financial benefits not enjoyed by single people?

Rachel gets a bit carried away, and starts making up her dream wedding. Mate. If people are giving you money, you should be playing down the wedding! “Oh yeah, we could only afford a few guests, so sad, times are tough… come on pony up, aunty.”

But this does give her a window into what might have been, as Ross’s fake proposal story shows his good side (for once). It’s hard not to imagine another world where things had turned out different.

Joey doesn’t stand a chance.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Despite my recent whining about dissatisfaction with my stagnant drumming career, I played a really good music covers band gig last night!
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This has left me feeling re-invigorated. Reaching my full potential seems less important. The purpose is the journey, and if I can still have a few hours entertaining a room full of drunkards every now and then, I guess I’m not doing too bad! Now, if I can only find a way to do this every week. 

​Joey and Rachel are avoiding each other after he opened Pandora’s box.

Maybe it’s for the best? A bit of time for his desire to cool off. A bit of time for her to work out how she feels about it.

You’d think she’d be a little busy with the pregnancy. But I guess stuff like this doesn’t wait on circumstance.

After the dust has settled the Friends™ suggest they rebuild, but by talking about something else. Rather than running over the same old ground of a question without an answer.

Naturally, Rachel’s plan for this is make up a story about her boss wanting to buy her baby.
With predictably disastrous consequences…

But, hey, it kind of works!

Joey falls back into his role of protective surrogate, and things get back to normal a bit. Sometimes a little lie goes a long way. Or at least in Friends™ it does.

“The One With the Chaotic Problem Solving”

Recently my mate (Joey Number 4) espoused their theory of “Chaotic Problem Solving”™ which seems to be exactly what Rachel has done.

When faced with a problem without a solution, you do the following.
Step 1: Make a bigger problem
Step 2: Solve a different problem
Step 3: Do nothing

It sounds crazy at first, but the more I think about it the better it gets. You ensure you maintain a constant number of problems, the new problem (and solving the other one) takes your mind off things, and doing nothing allows you to let yourself off the hook of your inaction.

I’m pretty sure it’s the strategy Boris Johnson uses.

And yet… he has finally gone!

And, as Chandler sings, “the sun will come out tomorrow”. This raised a big smile from my daughter. The song, not Boris re-resigning. She’s currently obsessed with musicals.

What raised a smile from me (other than the possibility of my daughter finally getting more into my Friends™) is a joke about Monica throwing a bagel onto Chandler’s member. It wasn’t especially funny; I’d just made the same joke myself the other day. Weird!!

Am I secretly psychic? Perhaps I should get out the tea leaves to check. Phoebe’s really into it (even though she complains “tea gives me the trots”. As she’s drinking a cup of tea.)
I think it’s more a question of being careful what you wish for.

I’m a little hesitant to play with dark forces again. I recently went on my second vision quest.

For the uninitiated, this is when you go into a wilderness, alter your mental state in some way (eg drugs) and see if you can find all the answers you seek.

It’s up to you the extent to which you attribute any real “magic” to this. Personally I follow more of an Alan Moore™ inspired “magic, is the reality you create through pretending”. Which is helpful as it both alleviates the need for drugs, and protects against accidentally incurring any real psychological damage. (He says, as he tries to explain going on a vision quest without sounding insane…)

Anyway the very first time I did this, it became apparent one of the questions I had was “what’s my spirit animal”. (Ok, there may have been some drugs the first time…) Through a convoluted series of events it turned out it was a seagull.

This time it was more “how can I alleviate the tedium of spending an entire day camping without access to a smartphone”. And it turned out the answer was “by going quietly mad in my own way” after I immediately came across a dead seagull on the beach. This left me a little shook, even without drugs, and a lot of the rest of the game was “how can I interpret this in a way that isn’t “the universe wants me dead””.

​I eventually found some positive answers, although I suspect the cynics amongst you would suggest they’re: “don’t go around pretending things that aren’t real are real, and ascribing cosmic significance to things that have completely rational explanations.”

But where’s the fun in that!!

Do you want to live your life like Joey and Rachel? Not taking any risks cause it’s convenient. Or introduce a bit of magic into your life? As Phoebe does, after the tea leaves tell her to, by going on a date with a guy she keeps bumping into.

Turns out the former may have been better… as he’s completely gross. But how would she have known that without trying?!

​Speaking of gross guys. Ross has just broken into Mona’s to steal back his sweater, and ended up accidentally lurking whilst she gets off with her boyfriend. Who I’m 90% sure I’ve seen killing demons in LA with a vampire with a soul.

And now Phoebe’s at the Laundromat, and the universe has given her a new guy.

But wait a minute… isn’t that Alec Baldwin™?!?

I think I need to lie down…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With my wife struggling to get out the house for something important, and me supposed to take the kids to preschool, I left my one year old son alone in the porch a little too long.
Oh God, no. It’s not that bad! But unfortunately, that’s where we’ve been keeping a lot of paint for our now, perpetually unfinished, house.

The little bugger somehow got the lid off one and spilt the whole thing!! Meaning my, already very stressed wife, had to run off with the kids whilst I was left cleaning up the bright red paint, scrubbing away before it stained, like a modern day Lady MacBeth.

​Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

​Do you believe in soul mates?

Yerh. What are we, twelve?

I think there probably was a time when I did. The older I get the more I think those times I thought I was in love as a teen, the obsessive, all encompassing, “I need you or I will die” feelings were less love and more signs of an undiagnosed mental illness.

But does that make them any less real? What is desire if not hormones and electrical signals rushing through our body and making our brain and heart feel funny. Among other bits.

Phoebe seems to believe. I suppose of all the Friends she would be the one to believe in soul mates. Unfortunately for Chandler, she thinks she’s found Monica’s. A tall, older (obviously), English, food lover.

They get on like a house on fire, leaving Chandler even more insecure than usual. But if you ask me, they’re complete idiots. How can they hate sun dried tomatoes?! They’re the bomb!

Chandler should leave her for that alone.

“The One With the Soul Mate”

Things are a little more explosive elsewhere. Joey’s just finished telling Ross he has feelings for Rachel. Which Ross takes… exactly how you’d expect from Ross.

I can sort of see where he’s coming from, but it’s all a bit possessive isn’t it? A little bit teenage.

Still baby hormones can make you a little crazy. Even the dad, as I found the time I almost started fighting that guy on the train…

Surely having one of your best friends being the step-dad of your child is sort of ideal? (Unless they’re into a certain porn category that worryingly exploded in lockdown).
I’d love it if my best mate stepped up and did all my childcare for me!

Once Ross cools down a bit Joey explains that nothing could happen as he doesn’t want to jeopardise his friendship with Ross.

Yet, he’s totally fine with risking his friendship with Rachel…

AND when she needs him the most. Look Joey, believe me, I understand you’re going crazy from this. But Rachel really doesn’t need this right now.

Weirdly it’s Ross’s turn to actually be grown up for once. On finding out how strong Joey’s feelings are he gives him the go ahead to tell Rachel and see what happens. Sad.

Although I do wonder if he’s playing a bit of a long game here.

Again, from my own teenage experiences, it’s absolutely impossible to start a relationship with one person going straight in on “I LOVE YOU.” It’s just not a solid foundation for an equal partnership.

And, also, most girls find it fucking weird.

And so it goes with Rachel. As we could all see coming, she doesn’t have a clue how to react.

And things end with them sharing an overlong, emotional hug. Wondering what happens now.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:
​
After remembering Emily (Ross’s ex-wife) last time. I realised I could take a trip to go see her! Seeing as I live in England.

​When we last saw her she was about to get married, but rang up Ross to see if there was a possibility of them getting back together. I guess she must have been getting Cold Feet™

Rachel told Ross not to call her back. Which turned out well? Rachel’s now got her baby, and Emily is happily married to an English guy. A tall, older man, who loves restaurants and is on holiday in New York and… oh shit. It’s the guy who’s dating Phoebe isn’t it?
​
What a scum bag.

​Joey’s still hung up on Rachel, and sad he’s alone on Valentine’s Day…

God, I remember those days. And not fondly! I don’t think I ever had a Valentine’s Day that went well (prior to my wife).
​
We did nothing this year. For perhaps the first time in ten years! This was partly due to the kids, and partly due to our ten year anniversary taking precedence. It seemed more important to mark the latter occasion rather than a holiday invented to sell greetings cards. (Even if my wife can’t remember how long we’ve actually known each other… no, I will NOT let it lie.)

Also, I’ve been finding recently (from asking people) hardly anyone does Valentine’s Day anymore! And we’ve been doing it all this time. I’m starting to think I’m being tricked.

Quite a few of my New Yorker friends are doing it this year (just not Joey…)

Chandler and Monica have sexy plans. But he mistakes a birthing video (for Rachel) for a porn video (for him). Much to everyone’s horror…

Ah, porn videos. Old school! Hard to believe there was a time you couldn’t see anything you wanted for free. I shudder to think what I would have been like as an adult if that technology existed when I was a teen.

After the horror show’s over, it turns out Monica DID actually get a VHS for Chandler. Wait a minute. I thought Valentine’s Day was about the man doing something for the woman??
I really must talk to my wife…
​
Chandler also reveals he used to see his dad doing shots off a naked house boy. OK. He definitely was abused. Is this funny? I’m not so sure.

Over at Joey’s, he’s having a night in alone. But for Phoebe’s friend “Wendy’s” dog. Phoebe has other friends?!? She’s friend cheating on me! We’re gona have words. Joey’s so despondent he ends up making the dog depressed too!
​
Maybe Chandler should lend him the porno. That’d cheer him up! Though it might be a challenge to get into it with the dog watching.

“The One With Yet Another Claw Hand”

Mona is somehow still with Ross. And not even aware Rachel’s moved in with him.

How did he not think to tell her?!

Finding Rachel in his apartment comes as quite the surprise to Mona, who angrily shouts “you got another ex-wife back there?” Don’t be silly, Mona.

She’s in England. (I wander what she’s doing now… doing now…)

This results in Mona dumping Ross. FINALLY.

Queue Ross: “In a way, I judge her for not breaking up with me sooner”. You and me both, Ross.

Then we make a startling discovery about Ross, who claims he was once dumped during sex. But… we’ve seen all his break-ups in the last 8 years?? Unless. Oh God. The Dinner Lady broke up with him during sex?!?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As a big Nintendo™ boy, I’ve been greatly enjoying the new Zelda™ game.

Unfortunately, much like Chandler, “this has come at a terrible price” as my left hand has already turned into an achey claw. Is it possible I may one day be physically too old for videogames?!? (Obviously, I never will be mentally too old).
​
I can think of few things worse.

I’ve been thinking recently: it’s been ages since I’ve seen Phoebe playing music. At least a few years since she’s performed in Central Perk™.

I almost miss it.

I was beginning to wonder if she’s quit. But here she is picking up her guitar from Monica’s. It’s starting to feel the same with my drumming. I still play now and then, keeping the option of playing more often in the future open. But I’m not sure that time will ever come. If I was serious, I’d be playing almost every other day again. Playing with several bands again. But recently I’ve realised I no longer see a time when this will happen.

It’s been such a huge part of my identity. But it feels like it’s slowly slipping away. And there’s nothing I can do to change it. By the time I live in a place with drums I can play regularly without annoying the neighbours, and the time to do it, it’ll be too late to make anything of it.

Oh, to live in a world where I don’t have to work.

Like my Friends™ seem to.

“The One With the Official Looking Letter”

Phoebe’s stumbled in on Monica getting a massage from another woman. I told you last week. These Gellars cannot be trusted…

I don’t understand why Monica wouldn’t be getting Phoebe to do it. If I had a friend who was a masseuse I’d be getting free massages all the time! Or, if I had a masseuse friend who didn’t live on another continent…

When Monica relents and let’s Phoebe massage her it turns out Monica makes sex noises when being massaged. I’m not sure this is any less weird than Phoebe revealing when they lived together she “got curious” and spied on naked Monica. What the hell???

But it got stranger still. Phoebe started getting into it and talking back “oh yerh. You like that?”

I thought it would turn out Monica was faking it to put Phoebe off. But no. I’m not sure I’ve ever been THAT relaxed.

At least they didn’t see me watching. Then it would have been REALLY awkward.

“Where was I?” You ask? Monica’s secret closet. Chandler was desperately trying to get in to see what she was hiding in there. It turns out: all the things she doesn’t have a neat spot for in the flat. Cue Chandler calling her Fred Sandford. And me wandering who the hell that is.

Google™ informs me he’s from an American remake of Steptoe and Son™. Which I did not know existed. Is there nothing those Yanks won’t steal from the Brits?

Rachel is yet to discover Joey’s feelings for her exist. (Tenuous link there, I’ll grant you…)

She wakes him excitedly to feel her bump. Narrowly avoiding accidentally feeling his “bump” in the duvet. I get that they are friends, but it is a little intimate if you ask me.

He takes the surrogate father role further too (to Ross’s chagrin) taking Rachel to hospital after she experiences Braxton Hicks Contractions™. Oh I remember those. Though have nothing to say on the topic. As Rachel says “No Uterus. No Opinion.” Too right! I think I know a few women who’d like THAT on a t-shirt.

Ross does show up for Rachel on more than one occasion. Abandoning Mona in the process. To be honest I’m a little surprised to find they’re still dating. You’d think she would have left given how crazy Ross was a few months ago! And things are bound to get more complex as Joey convinces Rachel to move in with Ross.

Two birds. One stone.

Things ended with myself and Chandler consoling Joey as he sat sadly downing orange juice that was “past its date”.

Hrrm. I’m not entirely sure he hadn’t switched something stronger in there. His drinking seems to be becoming more of a problem if he’s going to the trouble of hiding it from us…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Bit of a sad one here. Or, a bittersweet one.

I finally got the letter back regarding my vasectomy, and it confirmed, it was a success. I am now sterile.

Come and get it ladies!

Knowing for sure has made the finality hit me again. And I’m left feeling very old. Another host of future doors shut.

​I know it’s old fashioned. But it’s hard to remove myself from the feeling that ability to procreate is a huge part of what makes a man a man. My mind says “there’s much more to life”. But my heart, like Chandler on losing his nubbin, thinks “Huh… The source of all my power…”