My cat using the potty seems to have been a bit of a fluke.

Since then he’s turned into a right bastard, pissing in the sink, on the floor, clothes… mats. If it’s on the floor he’ll have a go.

What are we to do??

Instead of a smelly cat, we have a smelly house!

“The One With the Smelly House”

This week I accompanied Phoebe on one of her zaniest schemes. (Which resulted in a restraining order, no less…)

We found out Ben goes to school with Sting™s son. So Phoebe hatched a plan to get some free tickets by pretending to be Ben’s mum Susan. I briefly considered dragging up as Carol… But I’m not sure Phoebe would have stopped short of making out with me to sell the lie. And we know she’s got a thing for older men. What if Sting™ got in on the action too?! Even with his reputation, I’m not sure I’d enjoy that… And my wife certainly wouldn’t have approved.
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I needn’t have worried, as Sting™ was a no show in the end. But we did meet his actual, real life wife!

Just, not for long. She saw straight through our ruse, and called the police (no not those ones.) Hence, the restraining order.

Oh Sting™, no matter where you are, every breath you take, every move you make, Phoebe will be watching you. From more than fifty metres away.

Even though she got me in trouble, Phoebe stayed in my heart for making a filthy joke about Ross talking to Rachel’s vagina. 

He was actually talking to to her the baby in her tummy. It’s nice seeing Rachel and Ross’s excitement, reminds me of our own journey.

Family was a bit of a theme this week. Joey’s sister became a Nepo Baby™ when Joey got Rachel to give her an introduction to the fashion industry. But it turned out she only wanted to talk to Rachel cause she was pregnant! Joey’s sister I mean. We know Rachel’s pregnant. KEEP UP.

Rachel marched her straight over to Joey, who reacted VERY badly. Storming out, and back in for his sandwich, and out again.

I did not like the way he treated her. Rachel tried to put him in his place, but really it was all him spouting about how his sister should marry the guy, and how she couldn’t do it alone. Dude, Rachel is RIGHT THERE.

Rachel did a good job of fighting her and the sisters corner.

But I’m left wondering, was Joey being the voice of the patriarchy? Men forcing their will on women. Or rather the voice of women who need protecting from baby daddy’s who run at the first sign of trouble. After all, historically speaking, isn’t this basically what marriage is for? To give the woman security if the guy up and leaves?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Monica’s got some new boots. They hurt like hell but she wanted to wear them as much as possible as Chandler’s annoyed by how much she spent on them.

​We’ve got the same thing in our house at the moment. My wife indulged in new year smoothie and coffee machines. At least I can use those! Although a pair of fancy boots might have come in handy when pretending to be Carol…

Ultimately Monica had to abandon her boots. They were hurting much too much, and Chandler carried her home from his office party. My office Christmas™ party was a bit disappointing too this year. For the first time, my wife was invited but couldn’t come cause of the babies.

I really think Rachel is underestimating how much her social life is gonna change…

But I did get to see some other friends this week!

Monica Number 2 finally came back from Yemen. They’re doing fine, settled nicely with new cats. And it was great to catch up. No new boots though.

I may have been in my new job for a year, but I still don’t know the good places to go out round there (see: kids). So I asked a work mate where to go and they gave us somewhere decent.

Imagine my surprise when, a few drinks in, I went to the toilet and found a whole table of work friends had come out to the same place! And completely neglected to tell me!! And who was sitting among them? The person who told me the bar in the first place.

Judas.

I’m not sure I believe their excuse that they “thought I’d want to be alone with my mate”. But it turned out great in the end. We got together with a couple of the stragglers and had double the fun.

I love it when you can get two groups of people you know together like that.

One of these days I really need to get my London friends to meet my New York ones…​

It’s Thanksgiving™!

When we all express our thanks… that we’re not a turkey.

As is now tradition, this means I’m struggling to hear the sound of my Friends™ over my kids noisy Christmas™ toys.

Monica’s decided to have no turkey this year. (Like the EU, am I right? BREXIT. BREXIT. BREXIT!)

If you ask me that’s a solid decision. I’ve never understood the appeal, beyond it being large enough to feed lots of people. If it’s the size that matters you may as well go bigger and get an Ostrich. I had Ostrich once. In Watford’s finest exotic steak restaurant. Well... that’s what it was until they were shut down when a local reporter discovered their fancy antelope steaks were actually horse meat.

This Christmas™, Dad and I went for substance over style, and shared a duck. It was certainly tastier than the time he tried one of those birds within a bird within a bird. What a letdown that was. It’s impossible to cook them evenly. This year we rejected the very concept of a thing within a smaller thing within a smaller thing. Far too Russian.

Joey insisted on the turkey though. So Monica agreed to make it if he promised to eat the whole thing!

He’s definitely got a toxically masculine attitude to how much he can eat. It’s not a competition, Joey. You don’t need to prove anything. I guess if you’ve got loads of siblings you’ve probably got more of a need to stuff it in. This certainly seems true for our second child. Who’s weening as if his sister’s going to eat all his food before he gets the chance!

Who does he think she is, Monica?

Anyway good luck to Joey.

Let’s hope he doesn’t get his head stuck in it! (Whey…)

“The One With Brad Pitt”

Phoebe’s helping Monica in the kitchen and I’m reminded of their catering company. Those were the days! I can’t quite believe it was four years ago!! How time flies when you’re with your Friends™.

They’re having an old friend from school round, tis the season after all.

He’s lost a LOT of weight, and everyone’s swooning over him.

​But, that don’t impress me much.

It’s a bit of an awkward dinner. Turns out he absolutely despised Rachel, and even formed an “I Hate Rachel” club, with ROSS of all people.

Again, not particularly impressive. They even started a rumour that Rachel was intersex. Man, teenagers are complete dicks. And fanny’s. Also, I know it’s been a while. But if my memories anything to go by, aren’t all teenagers in to sex? (Ho ho…)

Rachel gets back at Ross by revealing he made out with the “old” school librarian. Who was fifty. Is that old? I guess when you’re in school.

It was weird that everyone then started shaming Ross for essentially being the victim of a child groomer. But you do have to wonder… is that what led him down his own path of student seducing?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With some time over the holidays, we decided to try potty training again. It’s turned out to be much more successful than we could have hoped.
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My wife went into the toilet, only to find our cat perched on the child’s potty.

“He can’t be…” we thought. But sure enough, when he got off there was cat pee pee in the kids potty.

And substantially more than when my kid uses it.

We couldn’t stop laughing.

I always thought it was weird he followed me into the loo and watched me. I assumed he was hungry, or maybe a fan of R Kelly. But no. This whole time he’s been watching and learning.
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Honestly, it’s like in Jurassic Park™ when they find out the Velociraptors™ can use doors.
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Clever girl.