Rachel’s ready to pop.

I’m shocked she’s now overdue. It feels like way less than nine months!

More shockingly, it’s actually much longer!

I wasn’t there when they conceived (I promise, officer). But you can do some maths to work out when it was from how open Ross is about how little he gets laid.
​
Back in season seven episode fifteen he says he hasn’t had sex in 3 and a half months. Later, he excuses his sex with Rachel by saying it had been six months with no sex.

Therefore, 2 and a half months after S07E15 is when the baby making happened.

This puts the date of conception a whopping thirteen months ago!! No wonder she’s sick of it…

​In a wonderful twist of fate, I am delighted to say my OG Rachel and Ross are now also pregnant!

And not just because it coincides with my American Friends™. I’m not going to creepily work out when they conceived. But they definitely get points for being the most series accurate couple I know. Even if they’ve had a markedly more successful relationship than Ross and Rachel. It’s great they’ve made it all this way.
​
Generally, there’s a perception women are giving birth later and later. But I’m not sure this has changed much since the 90s. Based on my, admittedly, very narrow, sample; a lot more of my British friends have succumbed to parenthood than my American ones. Though this may be reflective of the fact we were already slightly more monogamous (as a group) at the very start of things.
​
In the baby group, along with the Rachel’s and Ross’s we’ve got:

My other Ross Number 1
David the Science Guy
My two doctor friends, both dubbed Doctor Phalange, one married to yet another Ross and the other to yet another Rachel
And me, and my wife (obviously). My wife being Phoebe Number 3, and Me somehow ending up being Phoebe Number 1, Chandler Number 3, and Monica Number 1.Hrrm, I may have to bare that in mind next time someone accuses me of being self-obsessed… A point further proved by me also dubbing one of my friends “Me Number 2”. Although they’ve done a great job of living up to that too, by recently having a baby of their own.
​
Strangely, in an argument for nominative determinism, the baby-free group is exclusively made up of baby-free Friends analogues:
​
Joey Number 1
Chandler Number 1
Monica Number 2
Joey Number 4

Maybe we really can tell something about ourselves by which Friends™ we are?

“The One Where We Catch Up With Old Friends”

​Speaking of long gestations, Joey’s World War 1 film is only just coming out?!

Weren’t they shooting that like three years ago? Was it delayed by the pandemic? Or the writer’s strike? Perhaps it’s just not very good and they were trying to save it in the edit…

Chandler certainly seems to think so, falling asleep during the premiere!

Not the best thing to do after Joey picked him over the others to thank him for all his support over the years. It was really nice seeing Joey so honestly and openly thanking Chandler. Before Phoebe ruined it by making a gay joke.

​In Chandler’s defence, when you gotta sleep, you’ve gotta sleep. I’m never going to live down the time we spent huge sums of money to go see Evita™ on the West End™, only for me to fall asleep for the second half.

Now I’ll never know whether Argentina cried for her or not.

With Rachel due any second the others liven it up by placing some bets. I would have lost this massively by betting it would be four months ago.
​
Needless to say, Rachel is getting a bit testy, biting off Ross’s head at any opportunity. She even gets annoyed at him breathing loudly. Huh. I’d always assumed my wife getting annoyed at the sound of my breathing was because we were stuck together in lockdown. Turns out she was just pregnant.

Like Rachel we tried all the things to hurry it along. Special tea, spicy curry, long walks. Well, I’m not sure we tried the sex. It’s hard to do that without breathing. Rachel and Ross are a little unsure on that. Don’t want to open a “can of worms”. Sorry, didn’t doing it thirteen months ago already open that can?!
​
The pressure is mounting on Ross to do the right thing. Personally I don’t know why he wouldn’t be straight on that. But I am a notorious pervert. I suppose your sister also trying to persuade you to do it (so she can win the bet) might put you off a little bit.

In the end, after a little too much badgering from Rachel, Ross snaps and goes for angry baby sex.

But before they can get down to the good part, Rachel’s waters break!!

Who knew Ross was so good at making women wet.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

One of my other non-parent mates has an annual birthday around this time of year.

They like to mark it with a cricket game in the park. And I was INCREDIBLY pumped, not only for a bit of kid-free time, but also for the chance to finally get a bit of exercise.

I got down early, did all my stretches, and had a big coffee so I’d be bursting with energy.
​
I confidently stepped up to bat first, visions of getting a century, and becoming the British Shane Warne in my head. And my mate promptly bowled me out in two balls.
​
Ah well, at least I got some sun.

The work wedding came and went without incident.

Our eldest impressed me with her energy, then lived up to her old man by getting tired way too quickly. But DID manage to avoid falling asleep in ham.

You win this round. Baby.

This did mean we had to leave slightly earlier than I would have liked. And after barely having talked to anyone. Networking with a child, not the ideal situation.

I’m not entirely sure why I bothered bringing my wife, I don’t think anyone at work could pick her out of a line up after that. Hrrm, given they’re all lawyers this may come in handy in the future…

And now to convince my wife to embark on a life of crime.

“The One With the Work Wedding”

It’s only one week from Rachel’s due date, and they haven’t even got a crib!!

Come on, no-one could be THAT ill prepared. We’ve still got our crib, hoping to give it to a friend, but things are unfortunately going a bit slow for them.

HEY RACHEL. YOU WANNA BUY A CRIB?!?

Maybe they’re so unprepared cause she’s actually still a few months off. She certainly looks it. I mean, I know she is Rachel. But I’ve never seen a woman this close to pop who was still so little.

Chandler even calls her fatty! Mate, have you seen yourself these last few seasons? (Bit of revenge for Keanu Reeves there)

His lack of tact is some cause for concern, as he’s about to interview for a big job. VICE PRESIDENT. The President of Vice. You’d think that would be Joey wouldn’t you?

Oh shit. He said what he actually does for a job!! Did anyone catch that?? I think it was… nope. It’s gone. Damn. I guess we’ll never know.

The advice everyone gives is “Just, don’t be yourself.” Which is… terrible advice for a job interview!

Well, maybe unless you are Chandler.

I remember well the advice given to me by a friends dad when I said I was considering a job in accounts:

“ARE YOU MAD. DON’T DO IT YOU’LL SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE HATING YOURSELF.”

No wait. Sorry, that wasn’t it.

“If you’ve got a personality you’ll go far.”

They weren’t wrong! I’ve barely gone anywhere.

Although I do think, unlike Chandler, you’ve got to show a fair bit of yourself in an interview. People want the real you. I must be doing something right. I’ve got the only two jobs I’ve applied for in the last 6 years. A REAL shame I couldn’t take the last one… (yes I am still annoyed about that.)

Elsewhere, Ross is explaining the situation with Rachel to a young lady at the store. Wow. It really does sound bad when you explain it. And yet the lady hits on him! Man, she knows he’s got kids… What’s she doing??

And Rachel is right there. Understandably a little jealous. Though also, I’m not sure she has any particular claim to him? Still. You’d think the lady, and Ross, would wait a couple of months!

You’re gona at least want him well enough rested to perform.

It turns out Rachel wants him well rested, and then some. Snapping under the competition (or maybe, understandably, getting a bit worried about the impending birth) “I want you to be at my constant beck and call!” God. Women, ay?? Can’t even impregnate them without them wanting you to not run around sleeping with other women.

In the midst of all this, both Rachel and Ross play a dangerous game. “Hey… are you sure you don’t… want something more?” before adding “ah, I’m just messing with you!!”

Come now. We all know the game. “Let’s put something on the table, and if it doesn’t land
claim it was just a joke”. Even if that’s not what they’re doing. Surely there’s so much risk the other one thinks they are??

I’m not convinced either of them don’t want it. But it’s timing. Always timing. Timing, timing, timing. If it isn’t now when would it be??

​Elsewhere, elsewhere. Joey and Monica accidentally join a cooking class.