If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know it’s my belief that any more than two kids is environmentally irresponsible. So two weeks ago, I decided to put my balls where my err mouth is… and have a vasectomy.
It was that or go vegan. Turns out I like meatballs more than my balls.
I’m now officially out of the two week recovery period. Which means I can no longer refuse things that involve bending/carrying/moving quickly when my wife asks. Yet she had six weeks for the Caesarean. Selfish.
I have to say the afterpain and swelling was not as bad as I was expecting. Although by the end of week one I was desperate to get back to normal. Despite the pain, the first three days (where I could do whatever I wanted without any responsibilities) was amazing. Like a holiday, but with ice packs, and, if anything, served to reinforce my decision.
Retirement can not come quickly enough!
“The One With the Little Boy Pants”
Whilst I’m lazing around, my New York friends have been hard at work. Or at least, in the office.
They’re still all visiting each other at work! Why does no-one in the UK do this?? You’d think now we’re all working from home it’d finally happen.
Chandler himself works with someone who doesn’t know his real name and thinks he’s called Toby. To be honest I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t called Bob either. Isn’t it, Jerry? Or Cyril??
It was that or go vegan. Turns out I like meatballs more than my balls.
I’m now officially out of the two week recovery period. Which means I can no longer refuse things that involve bending/carrying/moving quickly when my wife asks. Yet she had six weeks for the Caesarean. Selfish.
I have to say the afterpain and swelling was not as bad as I was expecting. Although by the end of week one I was desperate to get back to normal. Despite the pain, the first three days (where I could do whatever I wanted without any responsibilities) was amazing. Like a holiday, but with ice packs, and, if anything, served to reinforce my decision.
Retirement can not come quickly enough!
“The One With the Little Boy Pants”
Whilst I’m lazing around, my New York friends have been hard at work. Or at least, in the office.
They’re still all visiting each other at work! Why does no-one in the UK do this?? You’d think now we’re all working from home it’d finally happen.
Chandler himself works with someone who doesn’t know his real name and thinks he’s called Toby. To be honest I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t called Bob either. Isn’t it, Jerry? Or Cyril??
 |  |  |
SAME FUCKING GUY
Chandler’s not too upset about the name thing, despite being there five years, as his full name (as Ross and I found out) is Chandler MURIEL Bing. Ah, Muriel, rolls of the tongue like a glob of spit around a crust of vomit.
Ross and Chandler weren’t the only ones hanging out when they should be working. Phoebe took a visit to Monica’s kitchen. Pretty sure you lose a hygiene star for that sort of thing…
She ended up dating Monica’s Sous Chef who’s a bit of a loser. MATE. Just date Joey! It’s what we all want!!
To complete the set (honestly it’s like someone’s planned this whole thing!) Rachel visited Joey at Days of Our Lives™ and met an actor called Cash. Bit cruel to name an actor after something they never seem to have… He better watch out. She’s definitely got a thing for guys with stupid names. It’s a good job Chandler’s married.
But things turned out crap for both her and Phoebe. Phoebe even had to race Monica to dump the guy before Monica could fire him! Poor sod ended up getting both barrels at once. It was all pretty unprofessional from Monica. Who does she think she is? Elon Musk?
She turned out not as bad, rehiring the guy after feeling sorry for him. And looking, expectantly, at Phoebe. Who promptly ran out. What did Monica expect? She could force her mate to take back someone she didn’t want to be with? Come on Monica.
Ross was a little put out by Rachel’s date. More due to his protectiveness over the baby than lingering feelings for her (Allegedly…)
I thought he was being pretty overprotective for someone who barely sees their first kid! But ate my words when I found out part of his feelings about the new baby came from the fear of losing it to Rachel the same way Carol and Susan have more of a say over Ben. It was a little sad really.
But NOT as sad as the look on Rachel’s face when she sought out Ross for comfort after her terrible date only to see him having a meet cute with Mona (from the wedding).
Not so smart getting that annulment now, ay?
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
When you have a vasectomy, one of the things you need is a little extra support. I mean “in that area”. But to be honest, I could have done with a bit more emotional support too. The older I get the more I feel the creep of toxic masculinity as me and friends fail to look out for each other in times of need. Or maybe it’s just because we only talk by text?
Perhaps there’s a cultural thing here too? My American friends didn’t ask me about it once…No wonder New York needs so many therapists.
Anyway, the doctor was explaining to me I’d need pants two sizes too small. Now, I am a slender man, not quite “star in a horror film” slender. More (as my friend once described it) “Mr Burns Body”.
The doctor turned to me and said “looking at you, I’d say you need 12 year old pants”!!!
Fortunately, as I never buy new clothes, all my pants are 12 years old.
Once he’d corrected my misunderstanding I was left with a conundrum. Where do people actually buy pants these days? Usually my mum gets me a couple of pairs for Christmas™ and that’s been enough. (I am thirty three years old…)
My first inclination was “look on Amazon™”. But you try putting “white Y-Fronts” into Amazon™! It’s completely full of novelty/sexy ones instead of regular pants! And this is how my wife came to find me staring at pictures of semi-naked men on the internet when I was supposed to be working. (M’lud…)
Eventually I had to ask my mum! Where do people buy normal pants?? Why is this some sort of secret mum knowledge instead of something you can find easily online? But even she struggled to find ones small enough. So we confirmed the worst. I would either have to get XXS mail ordered from Japan, and risk them not arriving in time. Or spend two weeks wearing 12 year old boys pants.
I’m not going to say which one I went with. But let’s just say I’m probably now on some sort of register.
Ross and Chandler weren’t the only ones hanging out when they should be working. Phoebe took a visit to Monica’s kitchen. Pretty sure you lose a hygiene star for that sort of thing…
She ended up dating Monica’s Sous Chef who’s a bit of a loser. MATE. Just date Joey! It’s what we all want!!
To complete the set (honestly it’s like someone’s planned this whole thing!) Rachel visited Joey at Days of Our Lives™ and met an actor called Cash. Bit cruel to name an actor after something they never seem to have… He better watch out. She’s definitely got a thing for guys with stupid names. It’s a good job Chandler’s married.
But things turned out crap for both her and Phoebe. Phoebe even had to race Monica to dump the guy before Monica could fire him! Poor sod ended up getting both barrels at once. It was all pretty unprofessional from Monica. Who does she think she is? Elon Musk?
She turned out not as bad, rehiring the guy after feeling sorry for him. And looking, expectantly, at Phoebe. Who promptly ran out. What did Monica expect? She could force her mate to take back someone she didn’t want to be with? Come on Monica.
Ross was a little put out by Rachel’s date. More due to his protectiveness over the baby than lingering feelings for her (Allegedly…)
I thought he was being pretty overprotective for someone who barely sees their first kid! But ate my words when I found out part of his feelings about the new baby came from the fear of losing it to Rachel the same way Carol and Susan have more of a say over Ben. It was a little sad really.
But NOT as sad as the look on Rachel’s face when she sought out Ross for comfort after her terrible date only to see him having a meet cute with Mona (from the wedding).
Not so smart getting that annulment now, ay?
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
When you have a vasectomy, one of the things you need is a little extra support. I mean “in that area”. But to be honest, I could have done with a bit more emotional support too. The older I get the more I feel the creep of toxic masculinity as me and friends fail to look out for each other in times of need. Or maybe it’s just because we only talk by text?
Perhaps there’s a cultural thing here too? My American friends didn’t ask me about it once…No wonder New York needs so many therapists.
Anyway, the doctor was explaining to me I’d need pants two sizes too small. Now, I am a slender man, not quite “star in a horror film” slender. More (as my friend once described it) “Mr Burns Body”.
The doctor turned to me and said “looking at you, I’d say you need 12 year old pants”!!!
Fortunately, as I never buy new clothes, all my pants are 12 years old.
Once he’d corrected my misunderstanding I was left with a conundrum. Where do people actually buy pants these days? Usually my mum gets me a couple of pairs for Christmas™ and that’s been enough. (I am thirty three years old…)
My first inclination was “look on Amazon™”. But you try putting “white Y-Fronts” into Amazon™! It’s completely full of novelty/sexy ones instead of regular pants! And this is how my wife came to find me staring at pictures of semi-naked men on the internet when I was supposed to be working. (M’lud…)
Eventually I had to ask my mum! Where do people buy normal pants?? Why is this some sort of secret mum knowledge instead of something you can find easily online? But even she struggled to find ones small enough. So we confirmed the worst. I would either have to get XXS mail ordered from Japan, and risk them not arriving in time. Or spend two weeks wearing 12 year old boys pants.
I’m not going to say which one I went with. But let’s just say I’m probably now on some sort of register.
