Christmas is a time for family. So my mate Rachel has decided to see her dad (seemingly for the first time in FIVE years).

It’s mainly to tell him the big news: He’s going to be a grandpoppy! She takes Phoebe along for moral support. Though I suspect Phoebe has an ulterior motive as she hints at fancying him. And we know she’s got a thing for older men…

I don’t really know what she sees in him. He’s homophobic, rude to restaurant staff, and vehemently anti-vegetarian. So, not all bad. But the first two are pretty horrific.

He’s a horrible man, even if he softens at finding out he’s going to become a grandparent.

​Maybe it’ll improve his manner a bit? My dad has made much more of an effort with everyone since we had kids. Now I’m the one being grumpy all the time. It must be easier when you can pack the kids back off to their parents after hanging out.

Rachel is so terrified of her dad she lies and tells him Ross and her are getting married! On February 2nd. Which just so happens to be Groundhog Day™

 I suppose if you’re going to remarry someone there’s no better day for it. Maybe they’ll just keep doing it forever?

Mr Greene comes crashing in on Ross’s date which puts Ross in an awful position, between a rock and hard place, as Mona doesn’t yet know about the baby.

Thanks Rachel.

Thrachel.

“The One With the Penis Pump”

Elsewhere, Chandler finds out Monica had a secret bachelorette (read: hen) party. What a dick! Where was my invite?!?

She decides to make it up to us by getting him a stripper, who, it turns out, is actually a hooker.

Don’t worry guys, we’ve all been there.

The stripper invites Chandler into the bedroom, where he finds he’s already missed the show he thought he was getting, and she’s already naked.

Which reminds me of last Christmas™.

Rather than the traditional gift (of giving you my heart), my sister-in-law thought it would be funny to give a gift of one of those mugs that changes when you pour hot water in it. Which revealed a picture of her husband naked on a chaise longue… Mercifully with a well placed cushion.

Not to be outdone, this year, my brother-in-law upped the ante: Giving my wife a bona fide penis pump. Ya know, like the one in Austin Powers™.

…

At least it gave us something to talk about on the day.

After a day of trying it out on each others arms/faces/stomachs, I decided it was too powerful to try out on the real article, and snuck it into his bag of presents before we went home.

I’m sure he needs it more than me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:
​
My wife’s family also brought back an old tradition this year:

“Nanny’s bag of shit”.

The idea is everyone brings along a couple of bits and pieces they have floating around, pops them in the bag, and then someone pulls them out one by one, with everyone shouting out to get what it is on a first come first served basis.

It turns out it’s surprisingly fun! And everyone liked what they got from it.

Only problem is, if you’ve got a toddler, they’re very impressionable. So come Boxing Day, our kid repeatedly asked “where’s my present from the bag of shit”.
​
Oh dear, I hope this doesn’t become a habit.

Christmas is almost here. And, as is fast becoming tradition, it’s a real struggle to spend enough time with my friends before it becomes all about the family.

I’m not entirely sure why I’d want to, to be honest. Sometimes they’re real selfish dicks.

“The One Where We’re Walking in a Winter Wonderland™”

First off you’ve got Chandler and Monica. They got a maid (despite Monica’s obsession with cleaning). There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But they both ended up harassing her cause Monica thought she’d stolen her clothes. Poor woman...

Then you’ve got Phoebe. Who jumped at the chance to date her sister’s ex-fiancée when he asked her out. What the hell?!

And Rachel and Ross. Rachel decided she wanted to move to her own apartment, so they ended up hovering round an old lady neighbour waiting for her to die. Ross even tried to learn Dutch to talk to her. At least that’ll come in handy for insulting Gunther. Who it turns out is Dutch (and definitely not a ghost…)

Even though he was trying to help her, Ross made things bad for Rachel by telling Joey she was thinking of leaving. This lead to an awkward conversation between Joey and Rachel. Where she tried to convince him how terrible having a baby in the apartment would be.

“Imagine trying to score with a baby screaming”

Oh Rachel. I don’t have to imagine that. I’ve been living it for seven months…

If I were him I’d worry less about that and more about being woken up every morning. It’s not quite as pleasant a way to start the day as a jolly neighbour singing “Good Morning”.

Having said that, my toddler has now starting singing that very song. That’s a nice way to start the day! She’s wonderful now, as long as you don’t withhold any chocolate from her.

In the end Joey convinced Rachel to Stay Another Day. Which has made me feel all Christmassy.

​It’s nice that everyone’s looking out for Rachel.

Whilst Joey was desperately trying to keep her as a flatmate a friend of mine has had the opposite problem. For months now they’ve wanted one of their flatmates to leave, but they just wouldn’t get the hint! Honestly, it was like crazy Eddie all over again.

And what happened with Phoebe in the end? Things went south with the guy after he accidentally had sex with Ursula, thinking it was her. Even though Ursula’s a piece of work, I really feel like she’s the victim in all this??

But it’s nothing compared to a story I heard the other day. A friend of mine knows these twins and one of them confessed to having a cheeky wank to the sound of their brother having sex. And it gets worse! When they split up, the twin then ended up dating the girl too!!

At least Phoebe wasn’t THAT bad.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We went to Winter Wonderland™ in Hyde Park the other day (two stars).

There was, what I would call, a ‘critical communication failure’. And when we arrived our toddlers coat was not in the car.

Once we’d finished arguing over whose fault it was, my wife gave her coat to the child and I ran off to find the nearest shop. (Before she could make me give her my coat.)

After a brief soujourn to what Google™ said was a very well regarded boutique childrens clothes shop, but was actually a car park, I made it to Primark™, bought a coat and ran back. No harm done!

And we had a wonderland-ful time. Until it was time to leave, when we had an unplanned extra hour of wandering round due to not being able to find an exit. Oh well, at least we were wrapped up warm.

Oh! In all this vasectomy excitement, I’ve completely forgotten about Halloween™

Let’s go back a couple of weeks, and I’ll tell you about me and my friends’s All Hallows Eve…

“The One With the Ghost”

It was a bit more fun than the last few years, seeing it through the eyes of a child.
She’s still too young to go out, but dressed up and had a great deal of excitement rushing to answer the door and giving out sweeties. (Providing she got some herself.)

We didn’t dress up ourselves. And my New York mates were also grappling with this problem. How do you get people to dress up once they’re in the thirties? The biggest nightmare of all.

​They managed it better than us, and had a proper fancy dress party!

(Howdy Doody…)

Having said that, a few of them ducked out! Joey barely dressing up (as Chandler), and Rachel just wore a new dress. She’s obviously getting prepared for parenthood. Even harder to find the time for costumes then.

Rachel indulged her broodiness, handing out sweets to trick or treaters. Then money when the treats ran out… She had a bit of trouble with some of them. But at least they actually said “Trick or Treat”! All the ones that came to our house just stood there awkwardly. Honestly, kids these days…

I’m a bit ashamed I didn’t dress up either. As usual merely loitered in the corner like some sort of Gunther. He got in the Halloween spirit MOST of all. Showing up despite dying a year ago. That’s one hell of a ghost costume…

Wait, did he? That can’t be right. And what’s this? Ursula’s fiancé is the spitting image of Sean Penn. Shouldn’t he be off in Ukraine giving his awards to Zelensky??

I know Ursula’s a piece of work but it’s pretty shocking for Phoebe to be openly flirting with her sister’s fiancé. And not just because he’s Sean Penn. It’s simply not on. Even if Ursula is lying to him.

Like all the best party’s it ended with a bit of arm wrestling.

Chandler let Ross win so he could impress Mona (from the wedding). Needless to say, I beat both of them.

All in all a great party, and really made me want to dress up again! Maybe at New Years™?

​Might be able to make Joey’s dream of a “Slutty Leatherface” a reality.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I swear, this is the last time I will talk about my vasectomy.

I was talking to my wife on the way there, letting my anxieties out, and said something like “we’ve been through so much together”.

Her response “aw baby, don’t worry, you’ll still have your penis”.

Errm. I meant me and you, babe…