Here we are at the end of year four, as Ross and Emily finally get married!

I say finally, it’s only been seven months (and ten episodes) since we met her! No wonder so little’s changed for me.

Still, it’s nice being reminded of my own wedding. I wonder if anyone was rushing to stop ME and had a change of heart at the last minute?

 “The One With Mowing the Dirt”

After the build-up of last time it’s a bit of a let down really. Rachel spends most of the TIME trying to get to London, and when she finally does she bottles it! Reminds me of the times I tried to do a cliff-hanger and failed utterly.

But what an episode! There’s more drama and urgency than you can shake a stick at.

Which is appropriate given everyone’s favourite stick wielding actor makes an appearance.

I am of course talking about this:

I liked House™ as much as the next person, but it saddens me there’s kids watching this today on Netflix™ and thinking “oh, I didn’t know House was in Friends™!” When Hugh Laurie's actually one of the best comic actors the UK has ever produced.

Come to think of it there are probably kids watching who haven’t even heard of House™.

God I’m old…

It’s a great cameo though, as Hugh’s character points out the selfishness of Rachel. You tell her House! Time for some harsh truths.

He’s not the only British comedy great popping up, as we’re treated to a sardonic turn from Jennifer Saunders as Emily’s mother too. This is certainly trumping Branson and Fergie… (Where’s my broadband Branson???)

I’m sure it’s no surprise to proper Friends™ fans really that these two crop up. The plane scene is probably one of the all time classic moments of the show, as is the whole episode. We’re fully in peak Friends™ at this point. The time when everyone talked about it in the school yard, and we all tuned in to watch Rachel rush to the altar…

But, as with all the top episodes so far, there’s a bunch of great stuff I’ve forgotten about! Chandler’s rehearsal dinner speech bombing spectacularly (god, I’ve seen enough of that lately…)

Another cameo (if you could call it that) from a pre-fame Olivia Williams:

Helping the home-sick Joey feel a little less homesick.

And the welcome return of the Gellar Parents!

How have we gone almost two, whole, seasons without seeing them? It’s been over two years. I hadn’t even proposed the last time they were in the show! Jack, Judy take a seat, I’ve got so much to tell you. Yes I know you’ve got your son’s wedding. Yes I do think it’s weird he went out with someone called Julie when you’re called Judy. I don’t know why I’ve only just noticed that…

Maybe the only reason I started to get sick of the show was because you weren’t in it? Oh Jack, I’ve missed you…

I’m sure the Gellar’s all met up off-camera, but this is making me feel less guilty about how little I see my parents. I do genuinely think the Gellar parents are why Ross, and particularly Monica, often seem like the most well rounded characters in the show. They always shine a light on their inner anxieties. Just like real parents do.

This time it’s Ross’s turn to shine for once, brokering a deal between the parents over who’s paying for what. Our current regime could do with him in the Brexit™ negotiations…

Really though, I know it’s a shotgun wedding, but why are they only sorting this out AT THE REHEARSAL DINNER?

I’ve just read, too, that Emily’s dad is played by Tom Conti. Now, perhaps best known as the father of one of Britain’s greatest living ventriloquists:

It’s a great turn, and all the guest stars pull their weight to make this one of the best episodes ever. Even though it’s an ensemble show at heart, one of the great strength of Friends™ is it knows when to pull back the main six to let other characters breathe. (As long as they’re white…)

Julie, Judy? Fuck it. Monica’s mum, is on fine form ragging on her daughter and making her feel lonely and WHAT. THE. HELL.

No. No. What? Chandler and Monica. Monica and Chandler?! MONDLER?!

To quote my wife during the entirety of the last season of Game of Thrones™ “I cannot believe my eyes.” (Although I suspect that was largely as we could only see darkness).

I cannot accept this. OH. MY. GOD. This is outrageous. WHAT A TWIST.

Is what I would be saying if I hadn’t seen the show before.

As it is, most of us knew this was coming, and what better place than a wedding? It’s probably the biggest decision taken by the writers, and it’s deftly handled, all those little moments in the last two years or so. Even as we all gasp it feels right as things click into place.

And hey, after all the times my Real Live Friends have got together. My Rachel and Ross, my Chandler and Joey, others I probably don’t know about. Isn’t it about time the show caught up? (Even if it is called “Friends™” and not “Lovers”™).

But as we say hello to a new hook-up we say goodbye to the old.

R.I.P #RachelAndRoss

There’s been no Cold Feet™ and Rachel’s realised the error of her ways (thank you Doctor House!).

The audience sighs as she does the right thing and congratulates Ross (with just ONE person wooing her for getting it right).

Leaving Ross to muck it all up…

NOW THAT’S HOW YOU DO A CLIFF-HANGER

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ll try and keep it brief so we can get straight onto the next episode. It may be a whole new season, but I can’t imagine it not picking things up immediately.

One of the points of contention between Emily and Ross’s fathers was Jack being billed for the lawn.

My own lawn troubles have been continuing. After several months I was finally ready for round two of Project RachelGreenfingers. I’d just finished mowing an overflowing hedgerow, by turning the mower on its side and driving along the decking. This is both the most fun and most dangerous/stupid thing I’ve ever done. But it worked rather well, I thought.

I started on the lawn, to prep it for re-sowing the gaps. And noticed that despite my best efforts to do a clean job, every spot I finished seemed to have a lot more gaps than before I started. The mower sputtered to a halt and I turned it over to find one end of the spinny thing bent at a 90 degree angle! I hadn’t been mowing the lawn so much as mowing the soil.

I was already running late, and it was raining, so like a true hot-headed bloke I tramped my muddy shoes right through the living room to grab a hammer. Destroying the carpet to my wife’s abject horror.

Thoughts whizzed through my head of how I could fix the mower, would brute force work? How could I afford a new one? How would I have time to sow the seeds before the frost set in now?

My, understandably, annoyed wife brought me back to reality as she calmly pointed out I should probably clean the carpet before continuing my quest. I duly obliged and set about yet another task I’d created for myself. I was just about finished when I remembered.

I don’t even own a hammer.

We’re hitting quite the pace as we approach the end of the season!

And now, with this two-parter, I think I’ll go straight on next week too.  I’ve still got a lot of catching up to do, and I don’t think it’ll take Rachel two whole weeks to get to London…

 “The One With the Tooth Fairy”

The Friends™ are in London for Emily and Ross’s wedding. Gee, I sure hope they don’t get COLD FEET™

There’s a real sense of excitement from the characters (with the exclusion of a world weary Chandler) and also the actors. Or at least those who got an expensive holiday out of it. Phoebe’s stuck cause of her pregnancy, and Rachel is still in New York (in this part) as she can’t bring herself to attend the wedding.

I can feel the excitement too, having just been to (yet another) wedding.

It was a bit of a weird one as neither me nor my wife knew many people there. But it was impossible not to get sucked up in the joy of the situation! Like Joey, who is EXTREMELY excited about being in London. He even buys one of those awful Union Jack knick-knacks they sell to tourists.

From a man who looks suspiciously like Virgin™ owner Richard Branson.

Where’s my bloody broadband, Richard?

I hate those things, why is it flags and pomp always appeal more to foreigners than the people living here? I suppose it’s safer for them to flirt with nationalism from the other side, without risking all the damage it’s causing us currently.

It’s appropriate the Friends™ are travelling as the Friends™ Sofa is doing a world tour at the moment, to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the show. As if anyone’s still obsessed with the show 25 years later…

Ah, this is taking me back to my holidays. Two years ago in New York, with my proposal, our jaunts to Europe last year with Real Live Friends. Isn’t being able to cross borders un-impeded awful?

One thing I don’t agree with is this idea that holidaying with friends is annoying. Chandler’s getting very irritated by Joey, and Monica’s packing gets on the girls wick. I’ve found holidaying with friends just as fun as family, I wish I did it more!

And look how happy Joey is! Snapping selfie’s like a 21st Century instagrammer with the lady from the Black Eyed Peas™.

He’s ahead of his time with the camera there, but his map confusion makes it clear how much easier it is travelling with smart-phones. It seems most places (well, at least within the States and the EU) you can rely on Google™ Maps to not get lost. Although, unfortunately, not Morocco yet, as we found on our recent holiday there. We lost a whole afternoon trying to find the exit from the market in the Souks. Getting hotter and hotter and my wife getting more and more irritated at me not asking for directions.

It’s nice seeing London in the show, even if it’s only the landmarks I rarely go near. It’s not a hugely representative image of the city. I’m sure if I told any New Yorkers where we went on holiday they’d say the same to me.

The most “London” thing (even if it’s ridiculous and unbelievable) is probably the wedding venue being prematurely demolished. Not at our mates wedding, Emily is the one having trouble. Like all cities, London has the permanent feel of never being finished, ruins, and building sites sit alongside buildings from hundreds of years ago. With some building sites approaching the same age waiting to be finished. Here’s looking at you Crossrail™.

Thinking about it, Emily’s made quite a big impact for someone who’s hardly been in it. I really hope nothing else goes wrong with her wedding!

As Monica points out, she’s been planning this her whole life. No wonder weddings are always brilliant! I feel a little bad now for drunkenly telling the bride it was “easily my 3rd favourite wedding”. I have no memory of this, but my wife told me so it must be true. I only hope she took it the right way, as the wedding was perfect really.

Well, if there was one flaw it was me. Once again I felt the booze and food weighing me down, and, conscious of my history at these things, I hatched a cunning plan.

It was at a farm and I’d seen some very impressive looking sheep.

“I’m just going to check out those sheep for a bit” I said “I may be some time”. Putting on my best Sergeant Oates hat, I nobly left the venue, and had a nap in my car. I’m pretty sure I got away with it.

Although I’m now disappointed I didn’t actually get to see the sheep. But, in a way, I was counting sheep.

Ross, too is disappointed, but about Rachel, not the lack of sheep. It’s a little sad he doesn’t get why she can’t bring herself to go. To him he’s just being let down by a friend.

But, after failing to get over him by focusing on the negative she decides she does want to go after all. Shame she couldn’t see the episode with all his negative flashbacks like us.

You go Rachel! Go to London, be there for your loved ones. But I have to say the romance of Rachel going is undercut slightly by her leaving behind a heavily pregnant lady.

And now it’s gona take a whole week for her to get there…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

While we wait for Rachel, I’ll tell you a bit about the kid’s birthday party last week.

There were some fun and games, and a delicious cake, but the highlight was easily my brother-in-law accidentally knocking a wobbly tooth from a kid’s mouth.

The kid was pretty non-plussed, but we all ended up scrabbling round the grass trying to find it. Eventually we gave up, with someone ominously telling the kid “don’t worry, the Tooth Fairy has ways of finding teeth.”

Oh, very funny Friends™...

A week after me complaining about the flashbacks and here’s your response.

Honestly it’s like the writers are taunting me!

“The One With the Christening”

It’s a bit of a gendered one this week. The boys are planning Ross’s stag do, and the girls are dealing with Phoebe’s pregnancy mood swings. No prizes for guessing which I relate to more...

All the best man politics is pretty familiar. But I had a lot less drama; cunningly splitting my two potentials between ring duties and speech/stag.

One thing I struggled with, which the Friends™ boys brush over immediately, was whether to invite women. I like to think I value my female friends as much as the guys, and try to be a good little feminist, but I let the side down here. It was just the simplest way of getting the numbers to a more manageable level, you know?

I know, I know, I’m a bad feminist! Thankfully my wife, kindly, invited them all to her hen.

Which, of course, resulted in them all seeing a crude manifestation of my junk.

What happened was my wife’s brosmaid, (which is like a bridesmaid but a guy), rang me up and said “how would you feel, for a little hen-do prank, about making a dildo from your own penis?” (You can get these little kits). I said “well, that very much depends if you’ll be there when I do it…” But I decided to do it. You know, for the crack… But it turns out...

It’s quite hard to maintain an erection when you’re secretly making a dildo in your mums house.

So I was there desperately fluffing myself. Got half way up, thought "screw it" and stuck it in. And the job was done. I had to weigh up if I was ok with my female friends seeing this monstrosity (them, unfortunately having no choice in the matter). And decided I was fine with it, knowing my wife would find it hilarious. I just made sure the brosmaid let them know it was only a semi. Got to keep them on side in case the wedding doesn’t pan out!

Hopefully I atoned for my poor feminism through another similarity with Friends™, my insistence (along with Ross) of “no strippers”.

Joey, obviously, ignores Ross’s request. And lucky Joe! As she decides to stick around after the party. Before I met my wife she had the gender flipped version of this. The stripper at her sisters hen-do refused to leave, hitting on her, and one of the sisters friends before claiming he couldn’t drive home as he’d had a drink. My mother-in-laws curt response as she forced him out the door: “OK, well you can sleep it off in your car!”

A smart thing, given Joey’s just lost Ross’s ring. The bloody fool! Thankfully my ring-bearer never lost mine as I was smart enough to wait until the day of the wedding to give him it. Although we did nearly have the same problem when David the Science Guy almost lost his ring in the sea on my stag. Shh, don’t tell the bride…

Ross’s ring is supposedly a family heirloom, which begs the question, did he give it to Carol on his first go? Did he awkwardly have to ask for it back? If not, why is he only using it now?? I’m not sure they thought this one through…

Fortunately they find the ring inside the duck (the phrases this show makes me write…), vindicating the stripper, and Ross solves his dilemma by asking both men to be his best men. Honestly Friends, you’re just copying me now.

Elsewhere Phoebe get’s a non-baby shower, with gifts for her to enjoy once the babies are given to her brother. She proves even more ungrateful when it comes to presents than me. Something, something, pregnancy, babies.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Sorry, I’m a bit babied out. We just had my nephews christening, and are about to go to a birthday party for another one.

The christening was lovely, although I was a little offended to not be a Godparent. I suppose it does make more sense to pick someone who actually believes in God…

It was great to see everyone, and a doubly happy occasion as my other sister has finally moved out my parents! (She’s 28 years old…)

I asked my dad if he was happy to no longer have to hear my mother and her arguing. His response?

“No, because now your mum argues with me instead.”

Oh dear.

In a Malibu™ induced haze; I haven’t seen any point continuing.

Not with my life, Jesus… just the blog.

I’m still happier than I’ve ever been!

But, maybe that’s the problem?

Now I’m thirty have I said all there is to say? Friends™ always seemed about people in their twenties. And yet, it can’t be… there’s six more years to go. Is it really worth it?!

Maybe it’s just that end of season feeling? Knowing Friends™ is building to some sort of climax as my own life carries on one day at a time. Often the same, what little threads there are left dangling and unresolved. Resolution for the issue with my brother impossible. Everything else sown up neatly. What happens after the happy ending?

Maybe I’m just feeling the same pre-finale malaise of the writers? Padding out time.

Maybe, if they’re too lazy to write a proper episode, relying on flashbacks, I shouldn’t bother either?

But no, Friends™ still has me whipped.

WhupPAH.

Much like me, Chandler and Joey are at a loss at what to do. People making babies (like my sister and Phoebe), people getting married (like Ross and my mate), and what are they doing?

Making an ass print on a sofa. Why do I feel like I've just been shaded by Friends™?

Looking for a way to inject some meaning into their life, Joey suggests they climb Everest. Pfft my Chandler’s already done that. So unoriginal!

Watch Die Hard™ again instead? The video store is too far. Oh, Netflix™ I love you…

I could do something with my life? Join the protests over our new unelected leader shutting down Parliament. Travel more? Do something about Climate Change?

Or just watch Friends™ again!

“The One With the Picnic Bench”

These flashbacks are making me realise how far things have come. And how many things have happened to get us to this point. Perhaps life doesn’t always need to be a season finale?

It’s as if the flashbacks are here to answer my comment about Rachel and Ross not being on and off – now we’re reminded of their whole journey as it leads to Ross’s wedding. So much of the comedy and drama of the last four years came from their off moments; it’s easy to forget how long things were ON for them. Between the pages, in the space between episodes.

Although, if the intention is to make it seem like they SHOULD be together, it’s having the opposite effect; given how many of these flashbacks are arguments and bad moments.

It’s all playing out over Ross’s decision whether to invite Rachel to his wedding. A decision I never had to face, having already fallen out of touch with the few serious loves I’d had before my wife.

Well, there’s always next time!

(Which might be soon if you keep making jokes like that…) – “Janice”

As if they hear my call, the writer’s flip it. Now we get Rachel’s flashbacks as she decides whether to attend the wedding.

It’s interesting seeing the different things they remember. Rachel more good and Ross more bad. It’s a strange thing about relationships and memory, even though you went through the same thing, you remember different bits. How things seem for one person can end up completely different for the other. Things that seemed huge for one can haunt them for years, whilst the other never gives it a second thought.

And how much is decided by your own position? Ross, happily engaged, remembers mostly bad stuff, putting up the walls to be able to move forward. But the heartbroken Rachel focuses on the good stuff, and let’s her fantasy continue.

And all I can think through all this is “POOR JULIE”. They really did a number on her…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With all this wedding chat I can’t help thinking back to my mates wedding in the summer.

He’s a bit of a hillbilly so there was already a lot of great stuff kicking about, setting logs on fire, cutting the cake with an axe, denim waistcoats. As you can imagine it was a pretty raucous affair!  But towards the end I saw one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

A, slightly larger, friend of ours was sitting at a picnic bench after having one too many. I was in a similar state nearby, basking in the atmosphere, so my mouth dropped when I saw him slump. Not forwards, but BACKWARDS, flipping the whole picnic bench over with him! I’d never seen anything like it.

My wife and others rushed to help, but I was too stunned to move. It was like something from a Melissa McCarthy film. Absolutely amazing!

As we drunkenly said our goodbye’s I confessed to the bride and groom. “Guys, I know this is the best day of your life, well, guess what, MINE TOO.”

I’ll never see anything that brilliant again.

Again, it’s been a little too long since the last episode.

Give me a break OK?

Now I’m a mature, and sensible, 30 year old, being slavishly devoted to a silly man-boy project seems a bit dumb. What kind of idiot would think Friends™ was taking over their life??

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to drink the bottle of Malibu™ Ross Number 1 got me for my birthday.

“The One With the Bottle of Malibu”

Oh look, Chandler’s annoyed at Joey’s snoring, and now he’s rolled him over and accidentally seen his dong.

I bet you’re expecting me to complain about my wife snoring ay? Or relay some comical story about her rolling me over and me falling out the bed?

Well yes, everyone snores, but that’s hardly a coincidence is it? As a mature 30 year old I would never complain about being kept awake by my wife’s snoring. Even IF Friends™ told me to.

I mean, yes, Ross Number 1 did have to go to a sleep clinic when we lived together. But I only saw his junk once! And that wasn’t an accident so it definitely doesn’t count.

AND it was ten years ago! I wonder what 20 year old us would say if we went back in time and said “Hey, you know in ten years you’ll both be married, living miles apart, and only drinking Malibu™ when you give it to each other as a joke”?

Probably something along the lines of “Jesus, we really need to stop getting high and watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure™.”

Ok, Friends™. Fair play. It’s QUITE impressive you’ve done 'The One Where They Wear Wedding Dresses’ on the wedding of the guy who pierced my ears. I’ll give you that.

But didn’t this whole wedding dress thing already happen?!?

TWICE.

Maybe it’s the Malibu™, but I’m a bit confused by all this? Rachel’s sad about Emily and Ross, saying they’ll probably be engaged for a year then call it off. But Monica’s already picked up the dress? Who gets their dress right after getting engaged?!

Also Rachel explicitly lays out the “on again, off again” nature of her and Ross, but surely they’ve only been “ON” once? Why's she hung up on him when they had their shot?

I get that she’s sad to see him get married, I understand the sense of finality, and loss of something that might have been. People always asked us when we got married “do you feel any different?” and our response was always the same “everything is just carrying on the same as before”.

But now a little time has passed, I’m not so sure that’s true.

It’s like we’ve finally left the chamber of many doors of being in our 20s, stepping into a beautiful new reality where it’s just us, as all other doors close behind us.

And Rachel’s stuck on the other side of one of those doors. And Monica and Phoebe too in their wedding dresses. Fantasising about the possibilities ahead of them, and worrying about ending up alone.

At least we’re finally rid of Josh.

Goodnight sweet prince, we hardly knew ye.

Hang on a minute, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? On top of the fridge… behind Ross.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I haven’t seen my Real Live Friends much since my birthday. I briefly managed to catch Chandler when they came back from “Yemen” to see family, but we mostly spoke about what terrible friends we were and how we’d barely even spoken with Joey since New Years.

I stayed at one of my Uncles recently on a little trip to the North though. It was nice being able to spend some time with extended family, who you only seem to see at weddings.

We were admiring his garden when out of the blue he said “we’ve had some badgers in, climbing over the fence”. As a non-rural type (and fierce opponent of the governments unscientific badger cull) I thought “OO lovely, badgers, how cool!”

Before my excitement was shattered when he pointed out they dig up the garden and told me my Aunt has been making him piss in cups and throwing it on the fence to deter them.

So if you’re ever in the North and come across a rather pissy garden, it’s not someone being anti-social, it’s for the badgers.

My stomach’s back to normal. More or less… to be honest I’m a little concerned.

Despite it being three weeks, it’s been up and down ever since Morroco.

My wife’s getting annoyed at me constantly saying I think I’ve got Crohn’s disease.

I’m genuinely worried though! The other day three witches told me I’d be king of Scotland.

Then I shit myself.

 “The One With the Tenuous MacBeth Joke”

I think my health worries are because I’ve turned thirty. I was totally cool with it, until a week before, when shit hit the fan. Somewhat, literally…

Now every little health problem seems like another reason to poor myself a drink and contemplate my imminent death. How can I possibly squeeze everything I still want to do into forty six more years?! (On average…)

Sure, drinking probably isn’t helping my stomach. But at least I’m not getting my ears pierced and proposing to every woman I see like Ross is. One wife is fine thanks. I can happily say I will never marry another woman. Even after the divorce.

I am way ahead of Ross though. Not in marrying a lesbian, so far as I’m aware, but in having my ears pierced. Got it first done by a dodgy mate when I was fifteen. Needless to say my mum wasn’t best pleased and made me take it out before it got infected. Don’t get me wrong… it got infected. I just took it out first.

He’s getting married soon too. We all stare at death, laugh, and cling on to the person we like the most in the end.

I did get my ears re-pierced and still wear one to this day! I often forget it’s even there, after a while you just get used to it. The same’s happened now with my wedding ring, my tattoo, and my wife.

But it wasn’t Friends™ that made me get my ear pierced; I made the decision myself! Shortly after I saw Pirates of the Caribbean™.

Maybe I am too easily influenced by popular culture? It’s nuts to think how much that film affected my life. Aside from the earrings it’s lead to a lifelong affection for goatees, boats, and drunkenly stumbling around insulting strangers.

But, like my personal piercer, Ross and Emily are engaged! Let’s hope she doesn’t get Cold Feet™

Thank you, thank you…

Even though this is the quickest engagement of all time, the strangest thing is Ross leading into it with the line “you hear about foreigners stealing American jobs all the time… that could be you!”

Has this crazy political rhetoric really been going on that long? An idea ridiculed in Friends™ twenty years ago is now American, and British, foreign policy. Let’s hope Emily doesn’t have as much trouble getting a visa as a Mexican. Somehow, I doubt it.

Even though I’m still hugely dissatisfied with Brexit™, we really could have done with Monica and Rachel in the negotiations. They run rings around Chandler and Joey to get their apartment back. If only getting a good withdrawal deal was as simple as Theresa May and the Queen making out in front of Jean-Claude Juncker.

I feel a bit sick after writing that.

Fortunately Friends™ has some pure joy to get the image out of my head:

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before they swapped apartments back, I was delighted to get a better look at Monica’s weird dog painting again.

Our house is still looking a bit bare if anyone fancies getting me a present! Hey, it was just my birthday… This gave us a good excuse to finally have a housewarming. Where I found out Monica Number 2 REALLY loves cats. So much so, they send a cat picture to their partner every single day.

This might not seem that strange but, for those who don’t remember, Monica is a six foot tall guy with the hair of Wolverine and the face of Ron Burgundy. And THEN I found out Chandler Number 1, who I’ve always regarded as the most feline of my mates, prefers dogs to cats! Honestly. You think you know someone…

But it was ace finally being able to host everyone! And there were some lovely, surprising, and thoughtful gifts too. Which I slightly ruined, by drunkenly going on about my distaste for clothes as gifts, right before unwrapping a pair of socks from Monica.

Oh, Monica, I’m so sorry! Everyone knows socks are the exception. And after they were so nice about our cats too…

It’s been a bit of a busy one.

I’m trying to fix our lawn after killing most of it. It turns out leaves take a lot longer to decompose than I thought. AND YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE THEM ON THE GRASS. Why are they even called "leaves"?!?

Oh, why didn’t the Friends™ writers include an episode on gardening! Honestly, how am I supposed to learn all these adult things if the show that’s, supposedly, about “adulting” doesn’t teach me!

It’s really been stressing me out. Things got so bad it took me five hours at work to realise I’d only spoke about that and hadn’t even mentioned becoming an uncle. Always good to have your priorities straight… I suppose one of the positives of a child compared to a lawn is it mostly grows of its own accord.

Certainly in Ross’s case the kid seems to need a lot less maintenance than a garden.

 “The One Where I Accidentally Do Ramadan”

Yep, Ben is back for the first time in forever. No doubt heralded by the arrival of my own Ben Number One. He’s not a big feature, mostly appearing to set-up Emily showing Susan round London. And Ross’s ensuing jealousy and paranoia.

Isn’t it great when your ex-wife’s lesbian lover goes on holiday with your new partner? We’ve all been there. This is the sort of everyday relatable storyline we’ve come to love. Rachel will be accidentally getting her boobs out in front of Josh’s parents next…

Spoke too soon.

I think this storyline is finally growing on me. Rachel cooking for Josh for the first time reminds me of when my wife and I started dating. Although, unlike Rachel, I didn’t cheat by getting my friend to cook for me.

But I think all involved wish I had.

It was back when I lived at mum’s house the first time after university. My wife often reminds me of mum opening the door for her and exclaiming “I’m not letting him cook for you here again!”

I thought all the effort, mess, and arguments with my mother would be worth it. But it turned out my choice of what was essentially a pancake with noodles in it went down about as well as a… well, a noodle pancake.

Luckily for Rachel, “her” meal is a big hit! Until they have to upend the whole date to Josh’s parents when he’s freaked out by the chick and duck.

Farmyard birds is a pretty interesting phobia to have, if I’m honest it makes Ross’s fear of Susan stealing his woman again seem pretty reasonable.

But people do have these weird fears! I was reminded recently that David the Science Guy has an irrational fear of exposed corners. I’ve never noticed it being particularly debilitating but his wife now routinely covers potentially troublesome corners with napkins. What some might call sweet, I consider enabling.

But the Chick and Duck aren't the real scary thing in this episode... *shudder*

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I am feeling a lot better about the garden now. If it grows it grows. Let it be. Que Sera Sera. Hakuna Matata, C’est La Vie, Zig-a Zig ah. Etc.

It’s been helped by a little holiday to Morocco. It’s been a location goal for us for a while so it was nice to finally make it! Less nice was whichever meal it was that gave me horrendous shits.

This meant me having to delve much deeper into the culture than I intended, joining in with Ramadan fasting for a few days whilst I recuperated. I’m not sure how I feel about Friends™ influencing my life being extended to just anywhere I go having an impact. What if I go to Barcelona and get randomly attacked by a bull? Go to Berlin and get split in two? Go to Israel and be forced to take part in the Eurovision™ song contest?

The worst thing about my dodgy stomach is it interfered with the Friends™ gods wishes from last time! No giant Toblerone™ for me…

Zomgosh, I love it.

Ross flying to England for Emily, Emily flying back to the US. (This is one expensive hook-up). How romantic!

But the curse of Friends™ struck again when we had a (much shorter) journey to London. Our train was jam packed with drunk rugby players! Fortunately they didn’t give us any trouble, and I avoided having to go “Red RLF”. Hopefully this means I’m due a free Toblerone™ in a few weeks?

I’m delighted that Ross taking a chance on Emily pays off!

EMILY AND ROSS FOR EVER <3 <3 <3

Sorry I appear to have become a teenage girl… maybe it’s all the hormones in the air?

“The One With the Nibling”

Yes, it’s happened! Call me the man from U.N.C.L.E.

I’m now the proud relative of a little “Nibling” (apparently the gender neutral term for nephew/niece).

So far he doesn’t seem to do much but fart and vomit. Like he’s stuck in a perpetual hangover. Boy, just wait till your 20s! But I’m surprised how strongly I feel bonded with him already. It’s been great seeing him, and worrying over every little strange sound.

I’m a little annoyed though. Phoebe’s only just found out she’s having triplets. This is all way too early! Couldn’t my sister have held out a little longer?! God, she’s so selfish.

Coming to terms with the triplets is a big deal for Phoebe, but more so Alice and Frank.

How will they afford three times as many babies? It’s a good question, and Phoebe comes up with one idea I love for the era of driverless cars: The Relaxi-Taxi™. Hop in and get a massage whilst you’re transported to your destination! That’s basically Niblings life, comfy transportation and a massage after every meal. LIVING. THE. DREAM.

I’m sure I’ll regret saying this if it comes to it, but I’d prefer to have twins. Seeing as we want two anyway it makes sense to get the hard part over with as quick as possible! Though maybe not from my wife’s point of view…

Speaking of different points of view, the show’s continued its generally poor representation of B.A.M.E. characters. So it’s nice to see Phoebe’s doctor played by a B.A.M.E. actor, even if she gets less screen time than the porn on Chandler and Joey’s TV. Mr Treeger is back too, all too briefly. It’s a bit of a shame after such a wonderful turn earlier in the series.

(Any excuse to watch this again…)

Regarding Chandler and Joey, it’s weird seeing two men, who are almost thirty, get excited at the prospect of accidentally getting free porn. Guys haven’t you heard of the internet?

Other people far better versed than me have more interesting things to say on the effects of widespread free porn. I fall more into the Josh camp, even with the ridiculously easy access, I usually prefer to use my imagination.

Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Rachel: Yes!
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.

Shut up Joey! I do not like it. I mean, fine, sometimes it does the job when I’m bored. OK?!

But like it? How could anyone like scrolling past wave after wave of videos they find deeply distasteful, until you finally find the granny porn you’ve been looking for.

One guy I don’t envy is whoever had to compile the PG-13 porn that plays in the background of the entire episode. I assume that’s how they did it. And they didn’t just edit around it. Imagine David Schwimmer’s rage at having the perfect take ruined because they accidentally caught the money shot in the background?

Another thing I just noticed is how weird it feels the Friends™ still being in the wrong apartments.

It’s like my memory has blocked out this whole period when things are switched around. I think I’m crossing into a grey zone. I know I binge watched the first 3-4 series when I was young, and followed the rest of the show in my teens. But this episode came out in 1998 when I was still in primary school.

Maybe I haven’t seen the whole series before? There must be some gaps from now to season 7 or so. How exciting!!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

So I had the little Nibling on my lap for the first time (let’s call him Ben Number 1).

Lying on his back he started doing a little sick. Now, I would have thought in this situation my first instinct would be too protect my jumper. But I instantly knew to roll him on to his side!

And people say I learned nothing at university.

All those times caring for drunk people finally paid off!

Bizarrely, the calming collar is working.

The cat has transformed into the most loving, affectionate mewler I’ve ever met. Even following me to the shops and back. I might get a leash… he could be my own personal Marcel.

The smells even died down a little, and my wife is a lot happier with him. Now the only one chasing her up the stairs is me.

I hope she doesn’t get me a collar…

“The One With Even More Chicks”

Yet more Friends™ shower action, as Phoebe follows her nose to Joey’s shower! Remind me to walk in on more people next time we rent a cottage for New Years. At our current rate that should be midway through season six. I’ll buy a drink for anyone who remembers. Or even, anyone who’s still reading at that point.

Phoebe wants to eat Joey’s meat. Oo er, missus!

Only one problem: She’s vegetarian. But her pregnancy cravings are going haywire! This is a problem we’ve discussed at length, as my, now Vegan, wife has grappled with how to raise a healthy baby.

Both her sister and mine flexed their –tarianism a bit for the cause, and my wife intends to do the same. I’m not convinced she’ll be able to keep any down, giving how long it’s been since she’s eaten meat. And how disgusted she was when I covered myself in tuna last time.

Joey’s come up with a surprisingly good solution, every time Phoebe eats meat he will eat less, so no more animals need to die!

Maybe it’s because of changing attitudes to Vegetarianism, but rather than laughing I thought it’s actually one of the sweetest things I’ve heard! I’m not sure I’d do the same, I’m currently eyeing up a steakhouse for my birthday; wife be damned! (Hey, she’s not pregnant yet…)

Rachel’s still being exceptionally lame over Josh, trying to sneak secret notes to him, and arranging a fake leaving do for Emily. Why can’t she just do what I did when I was single? And cry silently into a pillow.

The fake party is a neat match for us, as we attended an Easter party at Rachel No 1 and Ross No 2s for Dyngus Day. It was a relatively civilised affair, with Rachel really letting the side down by neither suggesting spin the bottle nor awkwardly hitting on someone that wasn’t her husband. She didn’t even go to the effort of putting on a cheerleaders outfit! I’m going to have to have words with my Real Live Friends; they’re not living up to their characters enough!!

It’s a little sad to think I’ve outgrown spin the bottle now.

I guess it’s one of those things you never notice has happened for the last time until many years later. Like being carried by your parents. I will never again feel the warm fussy feeling of the bottle landing on the right person, and mum carrying me up to bed. What? Isn’t that how everyone’s parents decided whose turn it was?

It’s sad too seeing Emily have to go; she’s a really good fit Ross! Although props to whomever did this background joke:

It’s hard to think they’ve only been together a few weeks. And now, bloody Rachel ruins their last evening so she can have one last pop at Josh! God, Rachel. LET. IT. GO.

Thankfully she comes through for Ross in the end, telling him Emily’s clearly into him more than he realises, and is rewarded with Josh returning for her.

It’s quite a sweet little scene in the stairwell, which shows how far Rachel and Ross have come. It feels like they’ve finally managed to move on!

Now let’s never talk about Ross and Rachel again.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Appropriately enough, given its Easter, Ross Number 3 told us a story on Dyngus Day involving yet more chicks.

This is Ross Number 3 of “having a child” fame. Not to be confused with Ross Number 2 (married to Rachel Number 1) and Ross Number 1 (academic - probably married a lesbian). Is everyone keeping up? Good.

Young mother Ross No. 3 once went on a nice country walk with Rachel No 1. Which had to be cut short when they got lost, vaulted a fence, and found themselves smack, bang, in the middle of a chicken farm.

I can only imagine this resulted in them doing a live action remake of the film Chicken Run™, complete with a giant catapult and gratuitous Northern accents.

Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you…

Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.

Phoebe isn’t singing the song again, it just came to mind as my cat is currently stinking up our house.

In an attempt to get him to stop attacking my wife we’ve got a special collar to calm him down. Which absolutely reeks.

It seems to be working. But it’s having the opposite effect on us as I’m finding the constant urge to hold my breath less than relaxing.

“The One With the Smelly Cat”

Things open in a nail salon, with Chandler and Rachel hanging out for once. They’re both unlucky in love at the moment so it makes sense. I wonder if they’ll get together?! Hah, no, two Friends™ (who aren’t Rachel and Ross) getting together? Don’t be silly.

But it’s a nice break from Rachel’s weird perving on Josh. This time she’s excited she accidentally felt his pulse. I suppose it’s a relief to know the person you fancy isn’t dead?

The closest I’ve come to a nail salon is on our Vietnam holiday when my wife and I split up for some nail time. But, boy, did I look fabulous after.

And who should walk in but Janice?!

“Janice, what are you doing in Vietnam?” we both asked.

“Who the hell are you?” replied Janice… “and why is nobody laughing after everything I say?”

I’m ashamed to say we left her there. Mercifully avoiding Chandler’s problem, of how to get rid of her without boarding a plane to Yemen. There’s a lot of back-tracking here for the sake of the jokes. When we last saw Janice, Chandler was pretty into her as she struggled to choose between him and her husband. Now she’s divorced, you’d think the newly single Chandler would be into it!

Maybe being with Kathy raised his standards? Or maybe he’s just not ready for commitment again? So he goes to preposterous lengths to get rid, pretending he’s taking a job in Yemen. Hang on a minute… OH. MY. GOD. I really hope Chandler Number 2 wasn’t pretending when they left the country for work. Could I BE any more suspicious…

She had a lot less trouble than Rachel Number 2 and their partner when they tried to go to Italy. (I’d like to remind you Rachel Number 2 is about seven feet tall and, also, a guy.) I’ve actually known their partner for longer but let’s call them Josh for simplicities sake.

Thanks to online check-in Josh managed to get through airport security before realising they’d left their passport at home. After being thoroughly let down by the people at the emergency passport desk; Josh had no choice but to go all the way back to Cambridge from the airport whilst Rachel re-arranged the flights.

But of course, this being a sit-com, it didn’t end there as they’d left their keys in the house too!

The nearest locksmith couldn’t help but, handily, directed them to their local mate “Mike” who has a, definitely not suspicious, talent for breaking locks. Josh got the keys and passport and somehow made it back to the airport in time to arrive in Italy just three hours after their original schedule.

All thanks to dodgy Mike and a generous taxi driver eager to help a woman in need. It’s enough to make Gillette™ proud.

These two, shining beacons of “masculinity” don’t make Ross look too great. First he stands around screaming after Emily gets tackled in the street by two huge guys. And then, when it turns out the guys know her from England, he gets completely destroyed in a game of Rugby™. (I say England, their terrible accents could be from literally anywhere in the world.)

“Red Ross” getting stuck in

There’s still no sport in my life, I’ve started daydreaming of things I’d do if I worked less. Sport and going to more exhibitions first, followed by gardening and painting, and, finally, spending time with my family. It’s never too early to start planning for retirement.

Like Ross, I don’t think I’m tough enough for rugby. Although I did find at school I’m surprising fast when being chased! Not during rugby, I was just chased a lot.

Given I started crying this morning when I spilt tuna all over my new trousers I think it’s a little late to get into Rugby. Ross and Emily are cute though, and his “masculine” display wins her over in the end.

But it’s a bad week for both the Gellars. With everyone else occupied, Monica’s showing clear signs of a serious mental illness. After becoming obsessed with a mystery light-switch she smashes holes in all the walls to try and find out what’s going on.

Won’t someone please do something for her?!

Strangely my Monica Number 2 has a history of putting holes in walls. Cannibal Boss once hosted a party which ended with a bunch of drunkards attempting to “Spiderman” their way up the corridor, putting one leg on each wall to climb up. Well, Monica Number 2 is also quite a large man and let’s just say “with great power, comes great big holes in walls”.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A few months ago my wife and I had an argument over whether she’d seen the third Bridget Jones Film (2 stars).

I was adamant we’d seen it together, as I remember seeing it and there’s no way I would have seen it otherwise.

She was sure she hadn’t seen it and that I must have gone with someone else.

So I was delighted when I put an old jacket on the other day, and found two tickets for the film in the pocket. I sent a picture to my wife “ah ha! I knew we’d seen it!”

Her response:

“What bitch you been sleeping with?”

One day I will convince her…