Despite it being three weeks, it’s been up and down ever since Morroco.
My wife’s getting annoyed at me constantly saying I think I’ve got Crohn’s disease.
I’m genuinely worried though! The other day three witches told me I’d be king of Scotland.
Then I shit myself.
“The One With the Tenuous MacBeth Joke”
I think my health worries are because I’ve turned thirty. I was totally cool with it, until a week before, when shit hit the fan. Somewhat, literally…
Now every little health problem seems like another reason to poor myself a drink and contemplate my imminent death. How can I possibly squeeze everything I still want to do into forty six more years?! (On average…)
Sure, drinking probably isn’t helping my stomach. But at least I’m not getting my ears pierced and proposing to every woman I see like Ross is. One wife is fine thanks. I can happily say I will never marry another woman. Even after the divorce.
I am way ahead of Ross though. Not in marrying a lesbian, so far as I’m aware, but in having my ears pierced. Got it first done by a dodgy mate when I was fifteen. Needless to say my mum wasn’t best pleased and made me take it out before it got infected. Don’t get me wrong… it got infected. I just took it out first.
He’s getting married soon too. We all stare at death, laugh, and cling on to the person we like the most in the end.
I did get my ears re-pierced and still wear one to this day! I often forget it’s even there, after a while you just get used to it. The same’s happened now with my wedding ring, my tattoo, and my wife.
But it wasn’t Friends™ that made me get my ear pierced; I made the decision myself! Shortly after I saw Pirates of the Caribbean™.
Maybe I am too easily influenced by popular culture? It’s nuts to think how much that film affected my life. Aside from the earrings it’s lead to a lifelong affection for goatees, boats, and drunkenly stumbling around insulting strangers.
But, like my personal piercer, Ross and Emily are engaged! Let’s hope she doesn’t get Cold Feet™
Even though this is the quickest engagement of all time, the strangest thing is Ross leading into it with the line “you hear about foreigners stealing American jobs all the time… that could be you!”
Has this crazy political rhetoric really been going on that long? An idea ridiculed in Friends™ twenty years ago is now American, and British, foreign policy. Let’s hope Emily doesn’t have as much trouble getting a visa as a Mexican. Somehow, I doubt it.
Even though I’m still hugely dissatisfied with Brexit™, we really could have done with Monica and Rachel in the negotiations. They run rings around Chandler and Joey to get their apartment back. If only getting a good withdrawal deal was as simple as Theresa May and the Queen making out in front of Jean-Claude Juncker.
I feel a bit sick after writing that.
Fortunately Friends™ has some pure joy to get the image out of my head:
Before they swapped apartments back, I was delighted to get a better look at Monica’s weird dog painting again.
This might not seem that strange but, for those who don’t remember, Monica is a six foot tall guy with the hair of Wolverine and the face of Ron Burgundy. And THEN I found out Chandler Number 1, who I’ve always regarded as the most feline of my mates, prefers dogs to cats! Honestly. You think you know someone…
But it was ace finally being able to host everyone! And there were some lovely, surprising, and thoughtful gifts too. Which I slightly ruined, by drunkenly going on about my distaste for clothes as gifts, right before unwrapping a pair of socks from Monica.
Oh, Monica, I’m so sorry! Everyone knows socks are the exception. And after they were so nice about our cats too…