Bizarrely, the calming collar is working.

The cat has transformed into the most loving, affectionate mewler I’ve ever met. Even following me to the shops and back. I might get a leash… he could be my own personal Marcel.

The smells even died down a little, and my wife is a lot happier with him. Now the only one chasing her up the stairs is me.

I hope she doesn’t get me a collar…

“The One With Even More Chicks”

Yet more Friends™ shower action, as Phoebe follows her nose to Joey’s shower! Remind me to walk in on more people next time we rent a cottage for New Years. At our current rate that should be midway through season six. I’ll buy a drink for anyone who remembers. Or even, anyone who’s still reading at that point.

Phoebe wants to eat Joey’s meat. Oo er, missus!

Only one problem: She’s vegetarian. But her pregnancy cravings are going haywire! This is a problem we’ve discussed at length, as my, now Vegan, wife has grappled with how to raise a healthy baby.

Both her sister and mine flexed their –tarianism a bit for the cause, and my wife intends to do the same. I’m not convinced she’ll be able to keep any down, giving how long it’s been since she’s eaten meat. And how disgusted she was when I covered myself in tuna last time.

Joey’s come up with a surprisingly good solution, every time Phoebe eats meat he will eat less, so no more animals need to die!

Maybe it’s because of changing attitudes to Vegetarianism, but rather than laughing I thought it’s actually one of the sweetest things I’ve heard! I’m not sure I’d do the same, I’m currently eyeing up a steakhouse for my birthday; wife be damned! (Hey, she’s not pregnant yet…)

Rachel’s still being exceptionally lame over Josh, trying to sneak secret notes to him, and arranging a fake leaving do for Emily. Why can’t she just do what I did when I was single? And cry silently into a pillow.

The fake party is a neat match for us, as we attended an Easter party at Rachel No 1 and Ross No 2s for Dyngus Day. It was a relatively civilised affair, with Rachel really letting the side down by neither suggesting spin the bottle nor awkwardly hitting on someone that wasn’t her husband. She didn’t even go to the effort of putting on a cheerleaders outfit! I’m going to have to have words with my Real Live Friends; they’re not living up to their characters enough!!

It’s a little sad to think I’ve outgrown spin the bottle now.

I guess it’s one of those things you never notice has happened for the last time until many years later. Like being carried by your parents. I will never again feel the warm fussy feeling of the bottle landing on the right person, and mum carrying me up to bed. What? Isn’t that how everyone’s parents decided whose turn it was?

It’s sad too seeing Emily have to go; she’s a really good fit Ross! Although props to whomever did this background joke:

It’s hard to think they’ve only been together a few weeks. And now, bloody Rachel ruins their last evening so she can have one last pop at Josh! God, Rachel. LET. IT. GO.

Thankfully she comes through for Ross in the end, telling him Emily’s clearly into him more than he realises, and is rewarded with Josh returning for her.

It’s quite a sweet little scene in the stairwell, which shows how far Rachel and Ross have come. It feels like they’ve finally managed to move on!

Now let’s never talk about Ross and Rachel again.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Appropriately enough, given its Easter, Ross Number 3 told us a story on Dyngus Day involving yet more chicks.

This is Ross Number 3 of “having a child” fame. Not to be confused with Ross Number 2 (married to Rachel Number 1) and Ross Number 1 (academic - probably married a lesbian). Is everyone keeping up? Good.

Young mother Ross No. 3 once went on a nice country walk with Rachel No 1. Which had to be cut short when they got lost, vaulted a fence, and found themselves smack, bang, in the middle of a chicken farm.

I can only imagine this resulted in them doing a live action remake of the film Chicken Run™, complete with a giant catapult and gratuitous Northern accents.

Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you…

Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.

Phoebe isn’t singing the song again, it just came to mind as my cat is currently stinking up our house.

In an attempt to get him to stop attacking my wife we’ve got a special collar to calm him down. Which absolutely reeks.

It seems to be working. But it’s having the opposite effect on us as I’m finding the constant urge to hold my breath less than relaxing.

“The One With the Smelly Cat”

Things open in a nail salon, with Chandler and Rachel hanging out for once. They’re both unlucky in love at the moment so it makes sense. I wonder if they’ll get together?! Hah, no, two Friends™ (who aren’t Rachel and Ross) getting together? Don’t be silly.

But it’s a nice break from Rachel’s weird perving on Josh. This time she’s excited she accidentally felt his pulse. I suppose it’s a relief to know the person you fancy isn’t dead?

The closest I’ve come to a nail salon is on our Vietnam holiday when my wife and I split up for some nail time. But, boy, did I look fabulous after.

And who should walk in but Janice?!

“Janice, what are you doing in Vietnam?” we both asked.

“Who the hell are you?” replied Janice… “and why is nobody laughing after everything I say?”

I’m ashamed to say we left her there. Mercifully avoiding Chandler’s problem, of how to get rid of her without boarding a plane to Yemen. There’s a lot of back-tracking here for the sake of the jokes. When we last saw Janice, Chandler was pretty into her as she struggled to choose between him and her husband. Now she’s divorced, you’d think the newly single Chandler would be into it!

Maybe being with Kathy raised his standards? Or maybe he’s just not ready for commitment again? So he goes to preposterous lengths to get rid, pretending he’s taking a job in Yemen. Hang on a minute… OH. MY. GOD. I really hope Chandler Number 2 wasn’t pretending when they left the country for work. Could I BE any more suspicious…

She had a lot less trouble than Rachel Number 2 and their partner when they tried to go to Italy. (I’d like to remind you Rachel Number 2 is about seven feet tall and, also, a guy.) I’ve actually known their partner for longer but let’s call them Josh for simplicities sake.

Thanks to online check-in Josh managed to get through airport security before realising they’d left their passport at home. After being thoroughly let down by the people at the emergency passport desk; Josh had no choice but to go all the way back to Cambridge from the airport whilst Rachel re-arranged the flights.

But of course, this being a sit-com, it didn’t end there as they’d left their keys in the house too!

The nearest locksmith couldn’t help but, handily, directed them to their local mate “Mike” who has a, definitely not suspicious, talent for breaking locks. Josh got the keys and passport and somehow made it back to the airport in time to arrive in Italy just three hours after their original schedule.

All thanks to dodgy Mike and a generous taxi driver eager to help a woman in need. It’s enough to make Gillette™ proud.

These two, shining beacons of “masculinity” don’t make Ross look too great. First he stands around screaming after Emily gets tackled in the street by two huge guys. And then, when it turns out the guys know her from England, he gets completely destroyed in a game of Rugby™. (I say England, their terrible accents could be from literally anywhere in the world.)

“Red Ross” getting stuck in

There’s still no sport in my life, I’ve started daydreaming of things I’d do if I worked less. Sport and going to more exhibitions first, followed by gardening and painting, and, finally, spending time with my family. It’s never too early to start planning for retirement.

Like Ross, I don’t think I’m tough enough for rugby. Although I did find at school I’m surprising fast when being chased! Not during rugby, I was just chased a lot.

Given I started crying this morning when I spilt tuna all over my new trousers I think it’s a little late to get into Rugby. Ross and Emily are cute though, and his “masculine” display wins her over in the end.

But it’s a bad week for both the Gellars. With everyone else occupied, Monica’s showing clear signs of a serious mental illness. After becoming obsessed with a mystery light-switch she smashes holes in all the walls to try and find out what’s going on.

Won’t someone please do something for her?!

Strangely my Monica Number 2 has a history of putting holes in walls. Cannibal Boss once hosted a party which ended with a bunch of drunkards attempting to “Spiderman” their way up the corridor, putting one leg on each wall to climb up. Well, Monica Number 2 is also quite a large man and let’s just say “with great power, comes great big holes in walls”.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A few months ago my wife and I had an argument over whether she’d seen the third Bridget Jones Film (2 stars).

I was adamant we’d seen it together, as I remember seeing it and there’s no way I would have seen it otherwise.

She was sure she hadn’t seen it and that I must have gone with someone else.

So I was delighted when I put an old jacket on the other day, and found two tickets for the film in the pocket. I sent a picture to my wife “ah ha! I knew we’d seen it!”

Her response:

“What bitch you been sleeping with?”

One day I will convince her…