There’s obviously a lot for me to still discuss with my family.

I’m going to wait for my other sister to give birth before asking if she knows anything about our (slightly less) mysterious half-brother.

It’s best not to give someone just months away from giving birth a big shock.

I’m quite looking forward to being an uncle now. And looking forward to seeing how Phoebe not spending any time with her nephew/niece compares to me doing the same.

In the mean time, I’m enjoying calling my sister fat as much as possible without fear of repercussions.

I’m even coming round to the idea of having kids myself. I could do with an excuse to leave parties early.

“The One Without the Strip Club”

SPEAKING OF PARENTS. Joey’s dad’s finally back! Though mentioned only… once again, strangely, in an episode with someone walking in on another person in the shower.

Joey’s moving up in the world, this time it’s REAL LIFE Charlton Heston walking in on him! Let’s hope he doesn’t fall to his knees at the sight of Joey’s “Statue of Liberty”.

Lovesick Chandler’s finding it hard to get some privacy too, with the Chick and Duck following him to the loo. Our cat is obsessed with the same. Running up the stairs to follow us every single time we go to the toilet.

I really have no idea what he gets out of watching us wee. Why does he do it? I dunno, maybe he’s an R Kelly fan.

Chandler’s coping with the loss of Kathy by staying in his chair for two days. Lucky bugger. I’ve been trying to do that ever since we got the internet sorted, along with a new TV. I almost made it today! And then I had to take an Amazon™ delivery to my wife’s work. If only there was some way of Amazon™ delivering it direct to her…

It does mean I’m able to watch the show on Netflix™ finally. Goodbye DVDs. Oh, oh, what’s that Netflix™? Skip the intro? NEVER.

Oh god, is this Rachel and Josh rubbish still going on? Now she’s getting gooey over him having big hands. I didn’t even realise that was a thing! Unlucky, President Trump.

Her efforts to date him are thwarted again, before Ross kindly steps in to take her boss’s niece off her hands. (Some English chick called Emily). God I’m glad I’m not single. Sometimes I forget what a nightmare even FINDING a date was. And even then you’ve got to make small talk with someone you don’t know for hours, only for it all to fall through and you end up like Chandler. Wearing pajama bottoms under your trousers, in case any little thing goes wrong on the road to recovery.

But the women are on hand to help him! They take him to a strip club and ultimately get him back in the mood for dating by talking about which strippers they’d sleep with:

Chandler: “Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!”

Phoebe: “Oh! What is that? What is that?”

Chandler: “Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!”

He says, gesturing at Monica. Dream on, Chandler.

Dream on.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

To this day I’ve never been to a strip club. Well, not properly.

Back at university I went once. My Real Live Friend and I went on a bender, which I believe ended with me being so drunk my hand let go of the full pint I was holding, and it was time for bed…

But before that, my friend, who, it’s fair to say, was a little sex obsessed, spent the entire evening joking about going to a strip club. Yep, he was a regular Joey.

Walking through Soho to the next pub an enchantress appeared offering us just that. With the promise of FREE ENTRY. Never one to look a gift horse in the boobies, my mate insisted we went in.

So we stumbled down these dodgy stairs, before each buying the most expensive pint ever and sitting down. After two minutes conversation with a hostess Joey Number 3 began to freak out and decided to leave.

This left me with a dilemma as I was now the proud owner of the world’s two most expensive pints.

I think I managed about two thirds of one before deciding it would probably be a good idea to go find Joey. Instead of downing two pints by myself in the dodgiest strip bar in Soho.

I finally did it. After months of waiting. Months of wondering, how will my life be different? What will the fallout be? Will things ever be the same again?

This is such a huge change for me and my family.

Something I’ve always wanted, and now it’s here. Completely out of the blue…

WE FINALLY HAVE INTERNET!!!!

It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

“The One With New Internet”

Yes, after months of waiting for Virgin™ we eventually gave up and another company sorted it within about 10 days. What took Virgin™ so long? Maybe they were waiting till I married them?

Well I’m sorry, Virgin™, but I’m now tied to someone else. For eighteen months at least.

There’s big changes for the Friends too, after last times quiz they’ve swapped apartments and Monica, it’s safe to say, is not coping. Oh Monica, I know what it’s like when your mates stop coming over too. But in my case it’s more to do with distance than anything else. (Well, I hope it is!) I can count the people we’ve had over since moving on one hand. I REALLY should arrange a house warming.

Rachel’s coping a bit better than Mon, despite the extra stress of being demoted at work following a restructure.

We’re undergoing a similar change at work but my position looks secure, for now. I’m not sure how long Rachel will stay in her job if she keeps hitting on clients! Watching this I’m wondering whether it’s worse to ask a client out or for them to ask you out? Is either fine anymore??

God I’m so confused, it’s been so long since I’ve dated, and even then I was terrible at asking people out. Even worse than Rachel who manages to accidentally give away two tickets to a Knicks game. (Yes I did have to Google™ “Knicks” and, yes, it is spelt completely differently to how I thought.)

I suppose it’s all about avoiding conflicts of interest? And power imbalances? Does it depend on the job?? I’d be more comfortable asking a chef out than them asking me, knowing if I said no they could poison my dinner…

With Rachel serving Joshua, it might seem weird for him to ask her out. What if she says no? He’d never go there again, she’s lost a customer! Clearly, that’s an unacceptable position for him to put her in. But, equally, she has power over him. He turns her down and BANG suddenly it’s “next season’s hot new trend” – leather dungarees. No really Joshua, they look great on you!

Perhaps it’s better to just leave it at a “How You Doin?” and get on with your job…

(Yes, Joey’s famous catchphrase is FINALLY here!)

Getting with people at work is also something Chandler’s worried about. Just not his work!
Kathy’s in a play which requires her to get a little frisky with a co-star.

Chandler, it’s fair to say, is totally not cool with it. As usual his poor communication skills let him down and, after letting his paranoia fester, he awkwardly accuses Kathy of cheating and they break off contact. After getting steaming drunk (a rarity for the show, if not for Matthew Perry) he decides to patch things up. Only to find Kathy’s got with someone new in that time! Hrrm, haven’t we seen this before?

Once again the show casts a fine line between who’s in the wrong, highlighting Chandlers insecurity (interestingly, again, it turns out with good reason) before ultimately laying the blame on the cheater. But really they’re missing the REAL cause. If only they had mobile phones!!

This got me thinking, did any of the Friends™ cast get together in real life? You know what those actors are like, with their lack of inhibitions, and sexy bodies…

It turns out that, no, none of them ever did. I found some rumours regarding Aniston and Perry, and Cox and Le Blanc. But, as Chandler finds out, sometimes it’s better to wait for proof!

Whilst we’ve been together my wife once had to kiss someone in a show, but nothing so steamy as Kathy’s play.

There are a few other weird little things going on here:

Monica makes cookies, only yesterday my wife was making some with her friends. And Joey goes to get a chicken leg from Monica’s fridge.

“Who keeps cooked chicken legs in the fridge like that?” asks my wife. Well, as of recently, we do… I've hatched an ill-laid plan for me to bulk up a bit. (Puns intended). I’m trying to see if I can grow more muscles by adding more protein to my diet (in the form of chicken) but otherwise not changing my diet or exercise regime at all. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Chicken aside there’s not much going on here I can relate to. It’s been ages since we moved and I’m far from hitting on anyone inappropriately at work. One similarity though, there’s no sign of Phoebe’s half brother.

Don’t you just hate it in when you’re expecting one thing and something else happens?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Ok. I did speak to my sister.

The good news is I didn’t imagine it! The letter, her telling me about him, it’s all true. She says she even spoke to my dad at the time. And now I have a name:

“Luke Johnman”

The bad news is… that does not sound like a real name.

There we were, her just woken up and much more interested in whatever TV show she was watching. And me, awkwardly asking for everything she knew about something we haven’t spoken about in years.

And both laughing at how ridiculous and made up the name sounds.

“Could you stop watching TV for just one second and carry on telling me about our brother?”

“Ok, well I remember once looking him up on Facebook™ but there were too many.”

“What do ya mean too many?! How can there be more than one Luke Johnman?!”

The worst thing though, is he doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know my father is his father. How can I bust into someone’s life and tell them their doting, generic British dad (probably called Ian Johnman for all I know) is not their dad. And actually it’s an overweight Australian they’ve never met?

Still, Luke Johnman though... Maybe, she remembered it wrong?

I’m sitting here waiting. Like Phoebe with her embryo’s.

Will they attach so she can become an Aunt like me? Uncle. I mean Uncle... Dammit. Why is there no gender-neutral term for that? With Husband and Wife you could argue it imparts some useful information. But there’s literally no need to know if an Aunt/Uncle is male or female!

I’ve gone round my parents to ask my other sister what she knows about my own supposed, secret half-brother. Only for her to be asleep in bed!

I wouldn’t mind but it’s the second week in a row this has happened!! It’s a crying shame my mother’s chicken didn’t turn out to be a rooster like Chandler and Joeys’.

 “The One Where My Sister is Asleep”

The rooster is a source of consternation between Rachel and the boys. But I’d much prefer that to the feathers and disembodied legs which greeted me on the floor this morning. Bloody cats!! I spent half an hour looking for the rest before giving up and heading to my parents.

It’s the only reason I don’t mind waiting for my sister. Knowing I’ll be returning to that.

(Just in case my wife is reading, that is a JOKE – I cleaned it up immediately.)

There’s a nice new picture of my sisters baby here. (The pregnant one, not the sleeping one). It’s still cooking away from the looks of things.

I assume it is hers; they all look the same to me. I wouldn’t be too surprised if my mum had gone fully crazy whilst my dad’s on holiday and started filling the house with mystery ultrasounds.

I’m no obstetrician (despite appearances) but I’m pretty sure it takes longer than two weeks to arrange an embryo implantation. Phoebe is straight on it! Implanted and lying on her back to let gravity do the work quicker than you can say “turkey-baster”.

Perhaps it’s because it’s all so sudden but the rest of the Friends seem pretty disinterested in Phoebe’s attempts at conception. They’re much more content to bicker over chickens and have a quiz. To be fair to them, I wasn’t particularly interested in my sister’s conception either. Certainly less so than Frank Jnr.

But then he’s got a vested interest...

Let’s be honest here, in the last four years, this is probably the best episode I’ve watched so far.

I could easily spend hours assembling gifs, quotes, and memorable moments for your enjoyment.

And not just to further delay asking about my half-brother!

If, for some insane reason, you’re reading this and NOT watching the episodes with me PLEASE I implore you, re-watch this episode. You will not regret it. The sheer joy of everyone performing in it is infectious!

It’s taking me right back to Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2s stag/hen when David the Science Guy planned a treasure hunt based on them. I’m happy to say he did as great a job of Ross in terms of detail! (Though sadly no lightning round…)

But this quiz did make me a little sad too. I’m not sure I know my friends quite as well as the characters do. Although I did finally learn what Ross Number 2’s job was recently! Transpondster. Definitely a transpondster. At least I know them better than I know my brother! Who I may never know at this rate…

But it’s amazing how, even amongst so many jokes, Friends™ picks out so many of these little details that sum up our relationships so wonderfully!

For years I had a subscription to the Beano™ under a bizarre name after some poor intern misread my sisters writing.

Still nothing quite so bad as Miss Chanandler Bong!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

One of my wife’s friends is getting married soon. And her husband came up with both one of strangest, and grimly amusing, wedding ideas we’d ever heard.

They were discussing all the people who wouldn’t be able to make the wedding. On account of being dead. And he suggested placing an extra table in the hall, complete with empty chairs and pictures of the deceased!

Imagine that, enjoying the happiest day of your life, meeting and greeting your loved ones at their tables, and then suddenly being reminded your dear uncle Jeremy’s got somewhere else to be!