After a quick Wikipedia™ on the “Vertical Jump” (I deemed “Volleyball” a little simplistic) I settled down to watch “The One With Joey’s New Girlfriend”.

Did you know there are TWO types of vertical jump? This encylopeadia side-project is leading to some really mind blowing stuff!

The “X character gets a new girlfriend” title format is turning into a bit of a tradition after Season 2’s opener: “The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend”. (Ah, Julie, we hardly knew ye…)

I’m looking forward to the, no doubt thrilling, conclusion to the trilogy: “The One Where Chandler Dies Alone”.

 “The One With Yet Another Poor Haircut”

Things are getting a bit emotionally charged. Not in my life. Still happily married, thank you.

But Joey, Rachel and Ross all have new “baes”. Even Gunther gets some action! Phoebe kisses him to regain her “sexy” cold voice. She’s fallen on hard times after losing her job, resorting to making her own shoes, which look not dissimilar to the ones worn by Janice at our wedding...

Gunther and Phoebe have even less chance of working out, given his obsession with Rachel. Now the bleach blonde creep even wants to know her birthday! Apparently it’s May 5th, which means I spent her last 3 birthdays:

• Having a disappointing party of my own
• Being trapped in a study by a dog
• And getting the first of several, terrible, Friends inspired, haircuts

It also means Ross and Rachel broke up shortly before her birthday. As if we needed any more evidence that Ross is a huge tool!

It just occurred to me, I’ve never had to go through a messy break-up. I should count myself lucky I’ve, somehow, got to twenty nine without experiencing that pain. Given the main reason is most of my relationships fizzling out before they could get serious, it’s no great achievement. But even my previous, and most serious relationship, ended amicably over a meal deal sandwich.

Yet Ross and Rachel are continuing to battle. Why can’t they just be Friends™?

This episode is the first to hint it’s because they still have feelings for each other. Although Ross does seem genuinely excited for his play date with a M.I.L.F. he’s met. You know it’s serious because she’s given him her HOME phone number. Imagine if someone gave you a home phone number now! You’d think they were taking the piss.

It really is crazy how much has changed in only twenty years. No more home phones, no more staying up till two in the morning to watch an obscure TV show. I’m not one for nostalgia, but it does make me sad thinking of all the missed connections in today’s flat-shares. All the Chandlers not falling in love with Kathy’s over their shared love of late night Ernie Kovacs re-runs.

But we can never go back. And never should want to. Things are always different to how you remember. Things that seemed huge at the time were really just a tiny part of our lives.

Like Ross’s "arm swears".

It looms hugely in my memory, but is just a tiny moment in the episode. You’ve got to be careful not to mix fantasy with reality. As Ross finds, when his “play-date” turns out to be less a “date” and more a babysitting arrangement.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My David the Science Guy just had their birthday. They generously got us some free drinks, as they needed to use a voucher they got from their wedding caterers. I’m not entirely sure you get generosity credits by sharing something that didn’t cost you anything, but then I am notoriously mean. What would I know?

Either way, it was lovely, but the best bit was actually after a, severely inebriated, David the Science Guy went home.

Joey Number 2 was wearing a strange bobble hat all evening. With their fringe poking out the front, looking like a chubby Justin Bieber. After several free pints they finally plucked up the courage to pull the hat off and show us the back half of their hair was significantly shorter.

Turns out if you cut your own hair, you’ve got to be pretty careful when setting the clipper settings. I feel a lot less silly about paying a ridiculous amount just to get my head shaved now.

My plans to be less selfish seem to have stalled. I’ve spent the last hour trying to understand the Wikipedia™ article on “Virtual International Authority Files”.

My wife is not amused.

But neither, it’s fair to say, am I. It’s a pretty dry read.

I’m in good company though:

Rachel is in trouble with Monica and Mr Treeger for selfishly clogging up the trash chute.

And Phoebe is thinking of herself so much she bites the arse of a sexy massage client!

Given my previous concerns about Joey, it’s a big surprise Phoebe is the first to lose her job for sexual harassment.

“The One Where I Feel Like Dancing”

Phoebe joining the wrong side of the #MeToo movement not with-standing, the characters emasculation produces the majority of the jokes this week.

Chandler (and later Ross) are castigated for their inability to quit their gym subscription. I’ve managed to avoid this trap by never getting one. “Just say no” proving a powerful tool in maintaining my current shape (flabby Mr Burns body).

“Just saying no” is also helping with the non-drinking. I’ve found refusing any opportunity immediately has stopped it being a constant battle of on-again, off-again. I only need to get a handle on my Smartphone abuse now. It’s increasingly irritating Janice. Nowadays the only thing harder than cancelling your gym membership is quitting Facebook™.

It’s good to have Mr Treeger back in my life. He was last seen almost two years ago awkwardly hitting on Rachel at New Years. Being able to check up on myself from two years ago is pretty weird. And a little annoying to find I’m still going through facial hair trouble.

I should probably resist the temptation to compare my life now to my life then, as well as to Friends™. It would be a step down the rabbit hole too far. But my difficulty in growing a decent beard does at least fit with the characters masculinity crisis.

It’s most apparent in all the jokes that are essentially “isn’t dancing gay LOL”, as Joey is press-ganged into dancing with Mr Treeger to save Rachel and Monica’s apartment.

It's a sweet scene but I have to say the jokes are a little tiresome.

Only last night we were out dancing for Joey Number 1’s birthday. No drinking doesn’t mean no fun! The bar even had loads of Foosball tables. Maybe it’s where Chandler and Joeys ended up?

Me Number 1 and I talked about how ridiculous it was feeling self-conscious about dancing when we were students. Now we take every opportunity with gleeful abandon, weddings, birthdays, funerals. (OK, maybe not the last one).

It does help there’s a lot less pressure to impress once you’ve already tied down a mate.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Ever since Janice and her sister recreated the Friends™ episode where they wear wedding dresses I’ve wanted to do my own Friends™ recreation.

Last weekend we finally got the chance round her parents house. My brothers-in-law and I were getting a little bored, until someone suggested dressing up.

Yep, much to Janice’s horror, we took it turns to try on her dress.

Why should Janice and her sister have all the Friends™ fun?