My money woes are catching it seems. Even Ross has been affected, turning to a life of crime in Blackpool.

It looks like things are carrying on as normal now that Rachel No. 1 and Ross No. 2 have got married.

COMPLETELY RUINING THEIR CHARACTERS.

God, they didn’t even have the good grace to say the wrong name…

But there was some amusement from Ross’s many attempts to smash the glass before the shout of “Mazel Tov!”

And from discovering that, in the Jewish tradition, after the ceremony everyone waits while the new couple spend several minutes locked in a room to make things *ahem* “official”.

We were assured that nowadays it’s only for the sake of tradition. I just hope, if they did go for it, Ross had better luck than with the glass.

“The One Where “Rachel” and “Ross” Get Married”

“Carrying on as normal”, of course, means Friends™ continuing to dominate my life.

Rachel and Ross aren’t the only ones being sexily locked in a room; Chandler’s got himself stuck half naked in Real Rachel’s office.

Being the terrible friend she is, she leaves him to it as revenge for getting back with her boss. Hey, at least the office is fully furnished? Unlike my house and Chandler’s flat.

Speaking of being “fully furnished” I had a characteristically drunk exchange with Chandler Number 2 at the wedding (Oh, sod it; I think at this point we may as well make them Chandler Number 1 - now he's married Rachel Number 1, Ross Number 2 is DEFINITELY a Ross). I’m still broadly not drinking (and feel better for it) but admit I made an exception this time, given it’s the last wedding in a while.

Chandler exclaimed that they hadn’t seen me for ages, and wanted to know what “the big things” going on in my life were. When I pointed out we’d seen each other not two weeks previously, they backtracked and said “well, you know we haven’t been hanging out much except for weddings.”

Which is a fair point, but it does answer the question of what the “big thing” in my life is.

Now it's over I’m very much looking forward to finding out what people talk about once there's no more weddings.

So far it seems to be mostly babies, or divorce.

Chandler’s big thing is they’re pulling a David the Science Guy and moving abroad for work in a few months. As the “new me” I’ll be sure to put in as much effort as possible before they go! It’d be nice to concentrate on the small things for a bit.

After my freak out over what a terrible person I am, Friends™ is pulling out all the stops to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Joey spent most of this week talking to an encyclopaedia salesman (played by master magician Penn Jillette – the best guest star a man can get). Sick of nodding along to pretend he knows what’s going on (I feel you buddy), he decides to start his own journey of self improvement. The big copycat.

Unfortunately he can only afford the volume for things beginning with “V”.

Given encyclopaedias are a lot cheaper these days (thanks Wikipedia™) I’ve decided to join his quest for knowledge. I’ve had a huge head-start, thanks to my honeymoon reading on Vietnam.

I’ve got ahead on getting back in with my parents too. Like Monica saving the day by catering her mother’s party, we took them out for that meal I promised. Thankfully the similarity ended there and we didn’t eat any quiches with blue fingernails in. Come on Monica, THIS IS LITERALLY YOUR JOB.

We were made to wait an exceptionally long time for the bill, doubly frustrating when you’re having an awkward meal with your parents.

But it reminded my father of a story from his time working in the head office of a restaurant chain. After eating out socially at one of their branches, he asked for the bill three times before giving up and leaving. He was half way home before deciding he should probably give the area manager a call and let them know he’d got away with it.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With Brexit fast approaching (or not? Who knows…) my David the Science Guy has tied his standard to the mast and joined the campaign for a second referendum.

He’s been busy leafleting, and came up with a novel way to avoid biting dogs at letterboxes. Using a spoon! Every leaflet gets pushed through with the spoon, avoiding the risk of losing fingers.

We all agreed it was a pretty smart solution. Until he revealed he dropped the spoon.

That’s right, somewhere out there, there’s someone with a leaflet about the scientific damage of leaving the EU. And a free spoon.

I hope they don’t get confused and think the EU’s offering a spoon to everyone if we stay in.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if we had a vote based on lies?

“I think you should do it!”

“Well, hang on a minute there Janice. I thought you’d think shaving my head because of Friends™ was a stupid idea…”

“You’re gona have to do it at some point anyway.”

“I am not receding!”

“Of course not, baby…” she lied, “but this way it’s like you’re taking control. Like when you got a Mohawk cause you were worried you wouldn’t be able to do stuff like that once we were married.”

“You know about that?!”

“Everyone knows about that… it was obvious.”

“The One Where I Shave My Head”

And so I marched into that barbers. And said: “I’d like you to shave my head please, because I’m gonna go bald at some point anyway, and not because Friends™ (and my wife) told me to.”

My heart started beating faster as the clippers came near. Why? I’ve had my hair cut thousands of times. I find it quite therapeutic. I’ve had my fair share of ridiculous haircuts!

The clippers worked their magic as I sat in silence, feeling like an extra in a war film, or a new cast member in a prison drama. Staring, forlornly, into the mirror and… seeing absolutely nothing as my glasses were off. “Oh god”, I thought, “what if I’ve got a really lumpy head? What if I look like a neo-Nazi? What if you can see the moonlight reflecting on my head?”

And then it was done. I put my glasses on, looked in the mirror, and it was… fine? I’d been worried for nothing, acting like a big baby. Which was ironic, because I now look like one.

Oh well, it’ll grow back… and I don’t have to worry about Janice pulling a Ross and getting back with her ex because of it. Now we’re married she can NEVER leave… that’s how marriage works, right?

Rachel and Ross are still mad at each other, and Ross takes things up a notch by tricking her into thinking her old prom date has called. Shock, horror, he actually rang for Monica! But it doesn’t last long as Monica finds he hasn’t moved on since school.

Even though I went to school with Janice it seems a world away now. Like Monica (and unlike Chip) we’ve moved on from those days. It sometimes feels like the woman I know and love now is a different person to the one I knew back then.

Also like Monica we’ve lost touch a little with our school friends, only five of them made it to the wedding. I sometimes wonder if there’ll be a school reunion at any point. And then I stop because I worry it’s already happened and no-one thought to invite us.

My prom date wasn’t one of the five at the wedding. We’ve had no contact in years, outside the odd Facebook™ like, but I’m happy to report she’s doing well, married herself, and with a kid. It’s crazy how easy it is to stay connected now. We’re no longer reliant on chance meetings, like Chip and Monica, old friends and lovers are just one Facebook™ message away. That’s how Janice and I met again in the first place! A message out of the blue to see how I was, and now we’re married!

Crikey, I really must thank Mark Zuckerberg one day…

I’m still thinking about the wedding, as the odd drunken memory comes back to me.

One little thing I remembered is seeing my parents towards the end, sitting arms folded, looking surprisingly unhappy. I realised I never did have that cliché moment of seeing my dad beaming with pride. I hope they were just tired. But can’t help worrying, perhaps they weren’t proud? Had I said something to upset them in my speech? Was my drunken dancing THAT embarrassing?

Shortly before the wedding my mum told me she heard my dad telling his sister on the phone that I’m the meanest person he’s ever met (and have never bought him a drink). I know I can be a little self involved, but mean? All I do is try to get by, trying to be my own person, trying to be “self-sufficient”. But have my efforts to not take gone too far? Have I stopped giving as well?

It can be a bit of a struggle moneywise. I try and be as generous as possible, but can never come close to matching my father’s generosity. Perhaps because of that I never really tried? It’s quite hard to escape the dynamic of parents paying for drinks, and meals. In my case even clothes! I’ve been trying to get my mum to stop buying me clothes for years now. I’d quite like to start buying my own at some point. But her standard of me needing new clothes is remarkably higher than mine. I know my trousers have holes in them, but they’re fine!

Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even know the environmental damage caused by the fashion industry. Can’t she consider the effect that has on me?

OK, maybe I am a bit selfish. I guess I’ll have to take them out for a meal, just as soon as I’ve paid for this honeymoon… and filled our house with the furniture we need. At the moment it’s looking a lot like Chandler and Joeys after they’ve been robbed.

But mean though… that’ll stick with you. A few years ago I DID make the New Year’s Resolution to be more selfish. I know, I know, I am a ridiculous human. At the time it was about not wanting to waste time doing things I didn’t want to do. Being more assertive and not wasting energy on things I didn’t gain much from seemed like a smart idea. I’d say generally it worked, I’ve been much happier since then. Care less, enjoy more. But is it worth it if it’s doing damage to my family?

Phoebe’s having some concerns about her family too. She’s reacting very badly to finding her real mother, and has taken to pretending a lost cat is her original mother, reincarnated. I hope that’s not what happened to ours when she disappeared a few months ago… I’d hate to think someone’s mother was sitting on the sofa with me now. Nuzzling my shiny head.

Phoebe’s ongoing family troubles are reminding me of my secret half-brother. I still haven’t asked my sister about it, it seemed wrong bringing it up before the wedding. No-one wants hidden family scandals to come to light shortly before the most important day of their life.

Maybe it’s the shaved head, or the honeymoon being over, or it being the start of season four… but I feel like it’s time for a change. I’ve already resolved to stop drinking again, after spending the last two days of our honeymoon with a VERY dodgy tummy.

Maybe I can try being more giving again too? With my time and emotions (if not money…)

What if I’m missing out on friendships as well as family times? One of the main reasons I started this was to take more interest in my Real Live Friends lives. Yet I just realised I haven’t seen Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 since my wedding, and now THEY’RE about to get married. (In stark contrast to the real Rachel and Ross).

I feel there’s a whole build up I’ve missed out on! And, just like the Friends™ with Chandler, I still have no idea what Ross Number 2 even does for a living…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Despite my gurgling tummy, we did the whole “unsubtly try and get a honeymoon upgrade” for our flights.

It worked on the way out. If you consider being moved to the seat next to the emergency exit an upgrade. It was nice having the extra leg room, but every time someone looked out the window I imagined them crazily opening the door and dooming us all. For twelve. Freaking. Hours.

We tried our luck again on the way back. Our guide told us several members of our party were hoping for an upgrade, but there were limited spaces available. Not to be outdone by a bunch of grannies, we charged on ahead. Only to realise we’d gone to the wrong gate, and were now at the back of the queue…

Serves us right for being so selfish.