Oh NO. Not this again. A Valentine’s Day episode?!

I thought we’d already been through this...

“The One Where I Try Not to Talk About Valentine’s Day, Again.”

Hey, look who’s back… heeeeeeeeere’s Janice!

But the awkwardness doesn’t last long as Joey foolishly abandons them with his credit-card and it’s Chandler’s turn to embrace his inner dick.

He splashes out on some Champagne for him and Janice and a Rob Roy (a twist on a Manhatten  - appropriately enough - made with Scotch instead of Bourbon) with predictable consequences. This leads to a neat reversal of the walk of shame trope, as Chandler struggles to get Janice out unseen the morning after.

As I touched upon last time, many people my age seem to have a more mature, less judgmental approach to this sort of free “cross-pollination”, falling back on old flames etc. We’re less cool with the concept of marriage though, if my horror at realising this week that several of my past flings are now either married or engaged is anything to go by.

I’m reasonably sure I had similar experiences of this “reverse walk of shame” at university. Although I was likely too hung-over the morning after to care as much as Chandler.

It’s true I have hurt people in the past, and been hurt (regrettably more the former).

However, I’ve never gone to the lengths the girls go to in this episode to get over their exes - as they burn their old mementos. A lot of the hurt I’ve felt has come from struggling to let go of things that never went as far as I would have liked. I don’t particularly regret any past escapades (beyond those where I hurt someone else) so the idea of getting rid of something that represents a past memory seems alien to me. Even if it’s a memory that has now become a sad one.

Not getting rid of old memories can have its downsides though as I discovered early in my current relationship. My partner found a picture of my ex languishing in my bed side table where I’d simply forgotten about it, and she read a lot more into it than there was – not helped by the bedside table also being where I kept my condoms.

Despite hurting and being hurt, I’ve never been close to the level of hurt Ross has. This episode has the first real hint of the actual sadness behind his situation, as (like me and Chandler) he also has to deal with an unexpected appearance of an ex.

The scene includes some comical moments; such as Ross only managing to remember that his new flame works in a field that “WASN’T EVEN THEIR MAJOR”, as well as an actually quite impressive bit where he catches some food in his mouth. But it ends with a surprisingly sad exchange between Ross and his lesbian ex-wife Carol. This brings some much needed pathos to their relationship, as well as helping the viewer root for Ross in his pursuit of Rachel in episodes to come.

I had a similar exchange with my father this week. (In the way it went from light-hearted to serious – I didn’t drunkenly ask if we could get back together even though he was a lesbian).

On return from his holiday he asked to meet with me at his sports club. Naturally, I agreed even though I had some concerns that it was all part of some scheme to obtain some forbidden technological knowledge from me. But as it got closer I started to worry something was wrong. He’d never asked to see him like this before. Had one of the relative’s he’d seen on holiday passed away? Were he and my mother finally breaking up? Or could it be the long expected shock cancer diagnosis?

It turned out it was none of those things, but more a general sort of catch-up of the way my life was going. So I told him of my plans for the next couple of years, we spoke about the rest of our family, and I also took the opportunity to ask him about how he feels his life has been.

Much like me he said he doesn’t see the point in holding any regrets. He’s also a lot less preoccupied with wondering how things might have been different but for a few small changes. And I agree with him! There’s no point concerning yourself with worries over things you can do nothing about. I’ve been much more like him in recent years on these points.

One point we differ on however, which I discovered at our meeting, is that he never wanted kids.

I can imagine this might seem a little like a sucker-punch. But it doesn’t really bother me. Seriously, my dad has always been an excellent father, providing us with all the support we need and being a strong role model in many ways. Although occasionally distant he has given us everything we’ve ever wanted. Any surprise I feel is more just a result of it being different from my own position.

I’ve always imagined I would one day have children. Which makes a lot of sense when you consider my two biggest role models at the time were parents. Mum and Darth Vader.

An inordinate amount of time in my childhood was spent imagining my own adulthood, and a large part of this was seeing myself as a parent. Thinking about what I would do the same as my parents and what I would do different. (Although I now suspect I may not end up being as different as my 8 year old self may have planned).

Where the actual sadness of our conversation came from (yes there’s more) was in another revelation. My dad highlighted the difference in his more hands-off approach from that of my mother. He then proceeded to tell me that he would of course always be there for us, but advice would only be offered when asked and that as far as he was concerned we were adults free to do whatever we wanted with our lives. Which of course I already knew, but what I didn’t know was that he apparently made this decision consciously several years ago after his attempts to talk to us one on one about things in our lives were continually interrupted by our mother appearing and contradicting him.

As well as making me sad at the lost potential of my relationship with my father (see I do still worry about how things could have been different) this has also made me more concerned for my own future as a parent.

Just like Ross, I’ve worried about not being as close to my future children as I’d like. I'm well aware of how work commitments and the ease with which fathers fall into a secondary position of authority over their children can impact upon their relationship. Finding my own father had this exact experience has not put me at ease. As silly as it might sound, I’ve already suffered from not being able to spend as much time with my cats when they were young as I would have liked. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would feel if I couldn’t be fully involved with my own children.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

There are two RLSM this week, as the first one is so close to Friends™ that I’m pretty sure I imagined it.

We went trampolining this week for Chandler Number 2’s birthday. It was incredible. But not as incredible as finding out her boss recently said to her that she’s got a lot going for her in her career as she could always “play the gay card.” I didn’t mention it in the blog at the time, but this is LITERALLY THE EXACT B-PLOT OF EPISODE 8. Even down to it being the right character. Incredible!

Our second shout-out goes to Joey Number 1 who disappeared without warning during a recent trip to a museum. Despite him assuring us via Facebook™ he would meet us in the pub after, eventually we all had to give up waiting for him as it was time to go our separate ways. We then, of course, ran into him on our way back to the station, perfectly happy at his afternoon listening to music and looking round a museum without us.

"The One with Actual Cannibalism"

So after last week’s placenta discussion, I’ve found out my boss HAS EATEN SOME.

And not even her own! Turns out her Godmother went for it when she gave birth, and when my boss was offered a taste she, naturally, did the right thing and tried some.

I feel I should also mention at this point, and I have to be very careful how I phrase this, that my boss and I used to be lovers. (“Lovers” pfft, perhaps I should have been a bit more careful how I phrased it...)

Please understand I’m not trying to be boastful, it’s just relevant as this week several of the Friends™ accidentally seeing each other naked!

Despite our previous “engagements” there’s a surprising lack of awkwardness between me and my boss, as well as with her current partner (who’s my other boss – them being partners in both senses of the word). I suppose it's down to it being a long time ago (we’ve all known each other since university). Plus our state of inebriation at the time has blocked many of the more sordid details from our memories.

In an amusing coincidence, boss number 2 recently saw me in a state of undress too when I forgot to lock the toilet door at work. And I'm regularly treated to glimpses of his rear-end due to his preference for ill fitting trousers.

We’ve lost track of who’s seen who naked in my Real Live Friend group. It rivals the Friends™ for complexity. Several of us had close encounters of the blurred kind, before ending up where we are now. Social gatherings are periodically punctuated by exclamations of “oh yerh! I forgot you two got together that time!” Almost all of them have seen me undressed at some point – but this is mostly thanks to an unfortunate towel slip on holiday.

It really is remarkable how easy it is to act normally around each other even though we’ve all seen each other’s bits.

Speaking of jobs (not that kind...) I had an interview this week.

It was at the top of a very tall building overlooking London. It was brilliant gazing across the cityscape (with markedly less skyscrapers than New York) as I waited for my interviewer to arrive. As they were late I decided it would make a good impression if I stood looking out the window then turned to greet them. like I was some sort of mob boss. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Netflix™.

But it really was fantastic looking across the city, with the discovery of gravitational waves playing on telly, and feeling an impending sense of positive change both within my life and beyond!

Before I was cut back down to size during the interview. They asked why, despite being young, bright and well-educated, I’d been stuck in “starter jobs” for the last three years. All I could answer was “I’ve often asked myself that question.”

The job would mark a bit of a change for me. It’s in an area I’ve previously avoided, despite a natural aptitude. Mostly due to a wish to not just follow in my father’s footsteps but rather strike my own path.

We all want to inherit the best parts of our parents and leave the negative behind. I’ve already touched on this and have shared Joey’s fears of reliving his father’s infidelity too in the past. But as much as I don’t want to turn into a carbon copy of my father, I’ve recently decided emulating his successful career would be no bad thing.

Aside from the A-plot of Joey’s dad’s affair we have Phoebe’s new boyfriend psychoanalysing the Friends™.

This being London, and not New York, me and my Real Live Friends have much less reliance on shrinks (as far as I'm aware) though we are no less neurotic. My Chandler Number 2 spent a fair amount of time psychoanalysing Joey Number 1 in the pub last night. Although they had to take a short break when Joey No. 1 lived up to his namesake and had to move seats because he was distracted by a nearby woman’s cleavage.

I’ve never met Joey No. 1s parents and appropriately enough this episode is the only appearance of Joey’s parents. This is a bit of a shame as I enjoyed Not Danny Devito’s turn as Joey Snr. and thought the mother’s ballsey entrance was great! It’s oft said that Joey was the least developed character in the show. Perhaps featuring his parents more might have helped?

I certainly found it interesting, the way Joey’s relationship with his father switched from that of a son and father, to a more even footed adult-to-adult interaction once he discovers the affair. This was a neat distillation of the shift in our relationship with our parents in early adulthood, before going a step further for comic affect as the roles reverse and Joey acts like the parent – offering up Chandler’s bedroom to keep his dad from committing further infidelity (with an odd lack of protest from Chandler).

But perhaps Joey’s already (surprisingly) mature relationship with his parents hints at why they were featured less? After all there is less comedic mileage in a balanced parent-child relationship than with overbearing parents (such as the Gellars) or the embarrassment caused by a parent acting younger than their age (Chandlers mum).

Finally, it’s a great stroke to have Joey’s mother glad about the affair because it actually improved their marriage. I like to think the Tribbiani's are still out there now... happily married and still cheating on each other.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Well I think the blog has got big enough for our own celebrity cameo now, so let’s all imagine a 90s Neve Campbell popping up as my old Canadian music teacher. Back in school my partner and I sat together in her lessons. My partner now teaches music herself and one of her students goes to our old school.

The child’s mother told us of a recent parents evening where she asked Neve Campbell if she remembered us. The teacher replied “oh yes they were in my first ever class!” At which point the mother asked “did you know they’re together now?” and the teacher burst into tears.

So there you have it. Not many people can say their relationship has made one of their old teachers cry! I can only hope it was the sentimental joy of us ending up together and not something like her husband just leaving her.

Ah Valentine’s Day, a yearly reminder of the sexism deep at the heart of our consumer culture.

I usually remain blissfully unaware of this, due to a complete lack of interest in high-street shops. I pretend this lack of interest is because of the environmental impact of such large scale disposable materialism. But of course it’s actually due to a lack of money.

By ignoring the strain put on us (and our relationships) by the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes; I can focus fully on more tangible feminist issues. Like our Prime Minister vetoing improving sex education in schools despite it being recommended by a huge array of experts and the women in his own cabinet.

Admittedly though, most of the strain “the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes” puts on my relationship is because of me using phrases like “the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes”.

Anyway, thankfully this episode doesn’t actually cover Valentine’s Day. So I can press on without its shadow hanging over us.

“The One Where I Try Not to Talk About Valentine’s Day”

Seeing as this seems to be the “feminist issue” of RLF I'm gonna start with the “feminist issue” covered in this episode (at least according to Joey and Ross): Phoebe having to tell Rachel the "wonderful" Paulo assaulted her on the massage table. Thankfully for the viewer this makes Paulo such a horrendous arsehole we excuse Ross’s own dubious attempt to show Rachel what a “nice guy” he is - by jumping her whilst she's vulnerable.

The writers manage to subvert this well though as Rachel swears off men altogether.

(As an aside there's another example of concurrent fashion trends between the 90s and now here, as Rachel spends most of the episode in what looks like a onesie).

I did wonder (again) if this was written by the female writing staff. In many ways it’s a female focused counterpart to the previous episode. Both feature one the Friends™ crossing an inappropriate sexual line with someone important to one of the others. But this handles the issue with more sensitivity as it delves into Rachel’s heartbreak, and the laughs are derived largely from Ross acting out.

I looked it up and, to my surprise; this episode was written by all men. I suppose ultimately this is positive, the male writing staff too were capable of portraying M, P and R as complex female characters.

It's helped by the first appearance of Monica’s competitive streak, brought about by the introduction of another staple quirk of the series – the Foosball table! Before this we get the joy of Chandler and Joey struggling to agree on furniture to buy, which I can very much relate to. We received several gift cards in lieu of Christmas presents this year.

Whilst it's a funny scene, a lot of the humour relies on two heterosexual male flatmates acting in a stereotypically coupley fashion. This links nicely with the classic scene at the start of the episode (of the Friends™ spontaneously singing the theme to ‘The Odd Couple’) but I can’t shake the realisation I’m essentially laughing because they’re “being a bit gay”. This is made worse by the reappearance of the “blunt gay joke” at the expense of Carol and Susan.

Ross’s further dick-holery is also apparent when he willingly lets a vegetarian Susan eat a lasagne with meat in it.

Talking of things you shouldn’t eat, this episode briefly touches on people eating placenta. My partner had a good laugh at this as apparently I go on about it “all the time”. Ridiculous, all because I happen to have mentioned once or twice how good for you it’s supposed to be and that a lot of animals do it naturally...

Also though why would any self respecting meat eater pass up on their only opportunity to legally and morally eat human meat? And my partner’s a vegetarian, so it would be her ONLY opportunity to eat ANY meat.

There’s been an odd trend in recent years of companies offering services to prepare the placenta into smoothies or dried pill form, but I say fry it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

(NB I emphatically do not actually say that. I am merely open to the possibility of trying it.)

The miracles of childbirth (culinary and otherwise) are further explored in this episode as Ross deliberates on whether he wants to know the sex of his child.

I’m not sure where I fall in this camp. I like the idea of it being a surprise. (And certainly wouldn’t want to buy any clothing or decor based on preconceived notions of the child’s gender.) But, on the other hand, I suspect finding out would make me feel more involved and excited about the pregnancy. We'll have to cross that road when it comes to it.

To bring this decidedly un-valentine’s day special to a close: I’ve just realised if Ross had gone all the way with Chandler’s mother last time, she would have become the second person he’d slept with!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This week’s RLSM comes from my Real Live David the Science Guy. He shared the following story with us in the pub last weekend:

Apparently one of his uncles has both a predilection for sleeping in the nude and an unfortunate habit of not putting his spectacles on to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As a result, whilst on holiday, David and his partner were awoken in the middle of the night by the drunken uncle first exclaiming “what are you doing in my room?!” before, upon realising his error, hurriedly adding “for heaven’s sake don’t turn on the light.”

OK, you’ve got me...

I’ve been putting off writing this one. Not because of anything tragic happening.

Nothing of interest has happened at all this month! Even the much touted ‘Friends™ Reunion’ was a damp squib. Although it was nice seeing the picture of them all together again! (Wasn’t it weird though how much Matthew Perry now looks like the cast of The Big Bang Theory?).

Anyway, I shall do my best to rescue this entry. Like Chandler dropping to the floor in surprise at finding Ross and Joey right outside his door, I shall emerge victorious clutching today’s paper like it was all intentional.

“The One Where I Don’t Get Ill Enough”

First up, more evidence of the strong support the studio gave Friends™ early on with a Jay Leno cameo. Who’s that he’s interviewing? Chandlers mum?!

Maybe it’s because I’ve just seen a picture of the cast as they are now, but I really didn’t think she looked old enough to be Chandlers mum.

At first I thought it was a sad reflection of the TV industries unwillingness to cast older women... But I looked it up and the actress who played her was actually 45 so it’s completely within the realms of possibility. Looking good Mrs B! I suppose her attractiveness is, slightly, the point as Ross succumbs to drunken temptation and breaks the “bro code”. Hands up who else completely forgot that Ross once kissed Chandlers mum?!

Maybe I find it unusual because it's so different to my own situation. (I’m talking about the age range here, not the getting off with friends parents – although I haven’t done that either. Yet.) The other day we had a big dinner for my mother’s 62nd birthday. I find it interesting there's such a huge range in the age difference between parents and kids. My partner’s parents are only around fifty, whereas Rachel Number 1s dad is 70!

This factors into me and my partners VERY HYPOTHETICAL discussions about children.

Is it better to get the most out of your freedom in your youth and then settle? (As my parents did) Or have children younger and then enjoy a ‘Gilmore Girls’ lifestyle where you and your children are the best of buds? I’ve always leant to the former but must say getting drunk with my partners parents is often more entertaining than the slightly terse dinners with my own family. But perhaps that’s more a result of my family’s dysfunctions...

Either way, for now at least, I am content to avoid any extra responsibility for as long as I can.

I’m happy to say I’ve managed to maintain my non-drinking this month! All temptations have only served to reinforce my desire to not drink. The tequila shots Chandlers mum served in this episode looked far too good for me to trust myself with a drink.

I only hope everyone cutting back on drinking for January is not connected to the uneventfulness of this month....

I suspect a lot of the quietness is a side effect of the return to work. The B-Plot of this episode, with a caricatured Monica and Phoebe doting on a guy in a coma, illustrates the strange phenomenon of sitcom characters always having more free time than real people with jobs.

That’s not say it’s been all work this month as both me and my partner have been off sick at different points.

She really wasn’t happy about it. Especially when I told her I was jealous of her chest infection. I’d happily cough up blood for a bit if I could get a week off work... I was so excited at the notion of a few days off when I woke with a stomach bug!

Waking up fine the next day was a huge disappointment to rival Ross’s disappointment that Rachel is still with Paulo. But, as in the surprisingly Meta commentary of Mrs Bing on Paulo’s status as a supporting character, perhaps, as the main character of this project there’s hope for me yet...

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The struggle to find something eventful continues...

The best I’ve got is getting my first flat tyre. A subplot hardly even worth a Two and a Half Men episode.

It did provide some amusement as I called my partners father in a panic thinking I didn’t have a jack. (Calling him over my own father wasn’t the result of any sort of preference or age discrimination, he's a mechanic).

My panic turned to embarrassment, however, when - after he rushed to my aid - we discovered I already had everything underneath my spare tyre.

And so it’s back to work.

This already upsetting time – of immediately failing to do all those new resolutions - has hit me harder than usual.

On my first day back I found out the work cat was struck down by a car over the holidays. I will miss him massively (not least because he was my one source of warmth in our freezing office). He was immensely superior to our cats as he never woke me up by banging on the cupboard for no reason, and I didn’t have to deal with his poop!

His absence has already been felt hard, after a pigeon managed to find its way into our office. At this rate it'll soon feel like I’m working in Trafalgar Square.

“The One With An Unexplained Abundance of Cream”

This week’s episode the Friends™ plan their New Year and Ross judges people for having flatmates. (It also introduces the extremely cute monkey: Marcel).

I found this doubly amusing as my partner feeling too “grown-up” for a shared house is the reason for our current abysmal living standards. (Along with a succession of governments failing to build affordable housing).

We got to see how fantastic living in a shared house could be over New Years as we booked a holiday home with several Real Live Friends. These included my Rachel No. 1 and Ross No. 2/Chandler No. 1, as well as my very own David the Science Guy (handily introduced this week and played brilliantly by Simpsons™ stalwart Hank Azaria).

My David the Science Guy is a Real Live Friend I had a very particular “Bromance” with at university.

You know... the type of close male friendship where you jokingly flirt with each because there is no one else. We’ve both got girlfriends now so we’ve drifted apart slightly. This has not been helped by him working abroad in recent years (much like David having to leave for Minsk). He’s back now however, and firmly re-entrenched in our friend group after our fantastic New Years. I hope I'll be seeing him a lot more again!

Much like Chandler’s struggle to find someone to kiss at New Years (with all the other Friends™ bringing dates) only one of our remaining single Real Live Friends came along to New Years. So she gains the "honour" of being Chandler Number 2.

Her continued singlehood remains a mystery as she's both an excellent human and fabulous person to get drunk with. I was delighted when my partner experienced the latter for the first time. They both stayed up late one night “putting the world to rights”. I was less delighted when my severely confused and inebriated partner woke me up attempting to find our bed in the darkness.

Along with the second appearance of Janice (still no “Oh My God!”) this episode includes a joke about naming breasts.

We had an experience of a different sort of breast during our holiday. Upon arrival our landlady told us she would bring over some recently shot pheasants at some point. Being city folk, we laughed off her statement and were shocked the following evening when she showed up brandishing seven dead pheasants at our window - with an expression of manic glee.

After much deliberation, soul-searching, and YouTube™ surfing, we decided the best course of action was to attempt to butcher them ourselves. I’m a devoted meat eater but I struggled with the concept slightly. Seeing the un-plucked birds I realised how difficult I would find it to kill a living creature myself. Questions swarmed round my head over whether I had the right to eat meat, if I couldn’t do the deed myself, as I squeamishly watched my friends butchering the pheasants before me.

Ultimately though (with apologies to my vegetarian partner) I decided my only option was to have a go at breasting one of the birds myself. It was a very strange experience. The instant I touched the (still-warm) pheasant I felt my relationship to it change as it ceased to be a poor dead animal in front of me and became just another piece of meat that I was going to eat.

This change carried over into my next sighting of a pheasant (this time alive) when we walked down the road. Where previously thoughts of “what a beautiful bird” would have existed, now they were “I bet that tastes great, I want to eat it.”

If I'm honest, I enjoyed butchering the pheasant (but not as much as I enjoyed eating it). But I found the ease with which I slipped into the role slightly unnerving. Ultimately I'm left with the question of whether it's possible to both see an animal as a piece of meat and respect it as a beautiful living creature at the same time. I expect I'll be wrestling with this notion for some time.

Though my experience with the pheasants was not quite enough to spur me into giving up meat,I’ve decided the time is ripe for another of my month long breaks from alcohol.

It’s not quite a resolution per se (more like guidelines…). I’ve reached a nice balance now where I don’t drink as heavily as I used to, but it’s still more regularly than I would like and I’m sick of being confused all the time. I found it difficult to remember embarrassingly small figures back at work this week, largely, I suspect, as a result of drinking everyday on our holiday. If I needed any extra convincing it came on the way to work yesterday. I went to buy some milk and found myself looking at the alcohol aisle with a sense of longing.

I think it’s definitely time for a detox.

One drink in particular sticks in my mind from our holiday. The “official” ale of the Cerne Abbas giant. For those who don’t know, the Cerne Abbas giant is a spectacular giant (with an even more spectacular “member”) carved out of chalk on the side of a hill. I was disappointed to learn it may not be as ancient as people commonly think but it was still great to see such a famous and enigmatic part of our history.

Less great was our very muddy attempt to circumnavigate the hill as I managed to make it all the way round without losing my footing only to fall on my arse fifty metres from the car park.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I will name the organiser of our trip Monica Number 2 for his meticulous eye for detail. This ensured a trip, which could have fallen at many hurdles, went ahead without a hitch.

He also unwittingly provided a strong sitcom style joke. As I was attempting to coral him into singing Karaoke on New Years Eve he tried to get out of it with the statement “I only do Karaoke once a year and I’ve already done it this year”.

So as the clock struck 12 and ushered in the new year, I asked again "Monica, care to get in this years Karaoke early?"

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

I am of course talking about the release of the new Star Wars film. (Four stars)

Star Wars is a huge deal for me and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve seen it twice already. Only one and a half seasons of Friends™ till the next one! I can’t wait.

I’ve been told there’s another big thing going on at the moment... Winterval? Saturnalia? Something like that. I’ve found it hard to get excited this year. Largely because I find it hard to get excited about anything when people constantly ask me if I’m excited about it yet.

Completely ruins the momentum.

Anyway, as we all know, in America they celebrate Thanksgiving instead of Christmas so it’s time for the first Friends™ Thanksgiving episode!

“The One Where I Don’t Celebrate Thanksgiving”

Well, I suppose I can get in the spirit a little...

I’m thankful for:

1. Joey unwittingly becoming the face of VD
2. Chandler’s sweet ass tweed jacket (I’m quite the connoisseur myself)
3. My wonderful girlfriend, who has so far very graciously put up with me talking about her in the blog.

We ended up settling on Christmas Eve with my family, Boxing Day with hers and going our separate ways on the day itself (as she didn’t want to miss her Nieces first Christmas). My point that the baby won’t even know it’s Christmas (akin to Ross’s doubt over whether the baby in his wife’s stomach could hear him, let alone understand) was sadly ignored.

But I’m happy I managed to fit everyone in, even if it means I haven’t achieved anything over the festive period.

Part of the goal of this project is to ensure I don’t lose contact with Real Live Family and Friends so it’s good it seems to be working so far! I even joined my family on their annual trip to the pub with their dog-walker friends. Normally I would have stayed at home for a little peace and quiet away from all the barking and bladder problems. (And that's just my parents...)

As Chandler says, it doesn’t really feel like the festive season until there are arguments so it was nice being home. And everything was relatively civil this year too. (In the same way as the English War of 1624 -1651). Maybe this is why I'm enjoying Susan’s antagonism towards Ross so much. I must recognise the friendly hostility of someone rubbing you up the wrong way who you can’t escape due to circumstance.

But I am thankful that I could spend Christmas with my family. It was put in perspective by Rachel not getting an advance from work to spend Thanksgiving with her family. My heart goes out to all in a similar predicament at this time of year!

There's something very special about the relationship of a child to their parents cooking. Of all the fancy meals I’ve had I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed one as much as something cooked by my parents. Like a sort of dietary Stockholm Syndrome.

Both of their roasts are exquisite (although if ever the two were combined I think we’d discover a new reaction to rival Nuclear fission) and it was my dad’s turn this year. He didn’t disappoint! Least of all because (much like the Friends™) he didn’t get his head stuck in the Turkey. There’s always next year...

Speaking of the difficulty of people fitting inside things (steady) one of the principle problems this year was getting everyone in the same room at the same time to do presents. No sooner had my father taken a break from cooking than my sister would disappear to buy some cigarettes. At least we didn’t all get locked out like the Friends™!

Our flat has had several “almost setting things on fire” incidents since we moved in. Notably after an oven glove was left on a burning hob. And when my attempts to host my first BBQ ended prematurely as the result of a leaky gas pipe. And when we smelt burning plastic only to discover that the cupboard underneath the hobs was maybe not the best place to store all of our plastic bags.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s difficult to choose this week. Between my chaotic family roast, my partners Nan coming up with the rudest answers during board games, and my friend almost setting himself on fire at a gig on Christmas Eve.

But I think I have to go with the moment we arrived at the pub on Christmas Day - only to find the man behind the bar inexplicably dressed as Darth Vader.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes!”

“Err what?” I replied, incredulously.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes and putting a few jokes in” my girlfriend continued. “There’s none of you in it.”

“What about the Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week?”

“Oh yerh, it’s really fascinating reading a half baked anecdote about how nothing really happened but would have if real life was more like Friends™”

“Well that’s sort of the point…” I said defensively.

“In the first one you couldn’t even say what happened because your friend objected!”

“My Real Live Friend” I corrected “we’ve got to keep a consistent style here. Anyway that was beyond my control! And I can’t help that I’m terrible at anecdotes… in fact this one time I saw someone try to tell an anecdote and it trailed off and went nowhere.”

“Did you just try a joke out on me?”

“… err maybe.”

“See that’s exactly the problem. You’re using humour to deflect from actually putting any of yourself in the blog! And that’s what people want! Not just you talking about Friends™.”

“Using humour to deflect… oh my god just like Chandler!”

As she stormed out the room her words sank in more and I realised she had a point... So with that in mind:

“The One Where I Try to Get More Personal”

Because of my awkward shift patterns I sometimes end up with three days off in a row.

As much as the temptation is there to use these days productively they often result in three solid days of drinking with friends and/or family. Naturally, for someone my age, this tends to result in a period of sadness at the good times being over. As well as a prolonged hangover. And then I have to return to work. So it hasn’t been a great week for me.

Perhaps it’s the result of my heavy weekend, or because I’ve seen this episode so many times, but something felt oddly staged about it as I watched, curled up on the sofa in my wolf onesie. I can’t tell whether they were just overselling the jokes a little or, maybe, a sort of Friends™ fatigue has set in.

Nah. It’s probably just cause I'm completely zonked after going to a club night for the first time in years.

And I’m talking proper dancing till four in the morning then all back to our place for a cup of tea and a chat clubbing here.

But it hasn’t all been hedonism, sleeping on sofas and drunken discussions of bestiality since last week. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to know the logic behind why sex with dead animals is morally preferable to sex with live ones then feel free to email. I’m looking at you David Cameron!)

Before the weekend, my partner and I went to see Miss Saigon™ for her birthday.

After her criticism of me only reviewing things I won’t speak of it too much, but in a fun coincidence “The One with the Butt” also features a trip to the theatre. As someone who's been in plays I can relate to the Friends™ blunt appraisals of Joey’s star turn in a musical about Freud. Although in my own life I’ve found getting honest feedback can sometimes be like getting blood from a stone. Except of course, where my partner is concerned…

Speaking of partners, now he’s free from Janice, Chandler finds himself in a polyamorous relationship this episode.

Although I’ve had quite a few non-serious flings in the past I’ve never indulged in a polyamorous relationship. (Not for want of trying, mind). For those who don’t know: polyamory is where you believe that one person can be in love more than one person at the same time. Personally I prefer monopoly-amory, which is where everyone’s in love with one person. Me.

(Sorry… I had to cram in a joke somewhere.)

Monica’s cleanliness obsession appears for the first time this week. I used to be terminally filthy, with piles of dirty plates stacking up, overflowing ashtrays and smelly clothes filling my student houses, as I’m sure my old flatmates would attest. This wasn’t helped by us playing games such as “try and knock the cover off the fire alarm with your empty beer can” as well as my budding dependence on alcohol and kebabs.

However my aversion to washing up has led to me being obsessed with creating as little mess as possible. I have a serious lack of respect for anyone who eats a slice of toast using anything other than one knife as a result. JUST BALANCE IT ON THE MARGARINE POT, GOD.

This puts quite a strain on my relationship, as I'm loathe to clean up mess I did not create if it seems like an unreasonable amount. This issue is quadrupled by our cats who, aside from bringing in dead mice, regularly create what I would describe as “an unreasonable amount of mess” in their litter tray.

That I was misled to believe the cats would no longer need a litter tray once they started going outside is neither here nor there as I am continually branded a nag for complaining about the amount of mess on our kitchen tabletop. I wouldn’t mind if I felt it rang true. My main problem with the accusation is I used to hate being nagged by my mother.

Oh my god!!

“Ross: ‘Monica… you’re mom.’”

Well it looks like:
‘Ross… I’m Monica Number 1.’

Funnily enough, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we turn into our parents.

I was amazed (and terrified) when I looked in my rear view mirror, the other day, and saw my father’s eyes staring back at me. All it takes is a few years being ground down by work and exhaustion and the resemblance is suddenly there. But it’s not just in appearance. I’m constantly surprised in my grumpier moments to hear my father’s sarcastic voice coming out my mouth. Ironically this usually makes me more irritated; realising I’m trapped in an endless cycle of negative reinforcement.

I think it’s time to draw things to a close now (and we haven’t even talked about Al Pacino’s butt!). I was going to speak a little about my own experiences working as an extra for extra cash over the years but it looks like you’ll have to wait for that.

For the completists watching along with me there are two things to check out this episode:

1. First use of the Chandler emphasis “Could she BE more out of my league.”
2. Check out Joey’s shadow in the shower scene. It’s incredibly obvious that he’s wearing boxers! I mean why wouldn’t he at least have gone for briefs or pants?

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

My partner wasn’t the only one with a birthday this week as her nephew turned three.

Unfortunately right before he blew out his candles he asked where his grandmother’s recently deceased cat was. Having decided to raise him honestly his poor mother was left with no choice but to reply with “he’s gone”. The, newly grieving, child responded with the eternal question of “gone where?” only to discover the answer is “just gone”.

What a way to find out all life ends with death… as you blow out your birthday candles.

Seriously Rachel? You’ve never done laundry? NEVER?! You’re twenty three! Sort yourself out woman.

People often accuse my generation of being full of molly-coddled late bloomers but it looks like this trend started quite a while ago...

I found it surprising the Friends™ are already in their mid-20s by the start of the show. Now I can see why. Growing up with the show it always seemed like their lifestyles, troubles and the scrapes they got into were all the preserve of young adults on the cusp of responsibility. (At least for the first few series).

As a long term student (due to changing course) I’ve felt like I was lagging behind the expected point of my life for several years.

Unexpectedly, researching the ages of the Friends™ has reassured me that it’s not unusual, in our modern society, for people in their mid-20s to remain lost and directionless. And with large gaps in their knowledge. I suspect it’s not as usual for the gaps to increase as much as mine seem to, but overall it appears this project will be good for my mental health!

But still Rachel, your bloody laundry...

Perhaps I’m showing my privilege but I was also under the impression that laundromats aren't really that common anymore? Probably because I lived in shared houses at university rather than the high rise flats of New York. My privilege is also mirrored by Rachel’s in this episode after her dad gives her a car. I was lucky enough to have the same experience a few years ago when my dad got sick of me borrowing his. So REALLY, hitting that dog was his fault.

Continuing the series’ exploration of the difference between male and female experiences of dating, both Chandler and Phoebe attempt to end relationships. With varying success. The sudden off-screen appearance of these relationships to facilitate the story-line has been reflected in my own life. I’ve discovered Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have ended their break! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Its good news all round as this episode introduces one of the best recurring characters in Friends™. Oh my god! It’s Janice!!

Although she's clearly written in this episode to be a one-off, Maggie Wheeler does such a fantastic job of making Janice much more than a silly voice, that it’s no surprise they brought her back again and again. And this time she doesn’t even need to utter her famous catchphrase!

If you’re playing “watch along with Real Live Friends” there are a couple of other things to look out for this episode. Firstly, check out Ross’s weird tucked in shirt in the opening scene. He looks like a Hare Krishna got stuck in a transporter with an extra from Spike Jonze’s Her. Although, much like the dungarees a few episodes back, I wouldn’t be surprised to see someone wearing something similar on a fashionable street in London.

Secondly, I found it amusing, and strangely out of place, just how much of a dick Joey is to Monica in this episode.

To recap (if you're not watching): Joey tricks Monica into going on a double date with his ex and her new partner. But Joey tells the ex that Monica is his new squeeze and tells Monica he’s still with the ex, and that the new partner is her brother. Needless to say HILARITY ENSUES but I found it interesting seeing this early Joey go to almost Always Sunny in Philadelphia levels of ass-holery.

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

 “The One Where We Could Have Died”

Speaking of shared houses, my current flat (essentially a converted drive-way latched onto another house) has been causing quite a lot of trouble this week.

We were about to make dinner on Sunday when suddenly all our taps stopped working. After failing to get in contact with the landlord we were forced to get a takeaway. I later found out he was “having some work done” and neglected to tell us as he “assumed we would be out”. At dinner time. On a Sunday.

Still that pales in comparison to our other discovery this week that our boiler is supposed to terminate outside and that at any point in the last six months we could have been suffocated in our sleep by an unexpected backlog of Carbon Monoxide.

George who? Stephanopoulos? WHO?! Never heard of him.

But thanks to the magic of Google I can confirm he is in fact a real person! And a politician at that. Who knew Friends™ was so topical? I mean, not topical anymore obviously... but still.

“The One Where I Decide this was an Excellent Idea”

This week me and my Real Live Friends (mercifully less screechy than Rachel’s friends) went out to see Spectre (four stars).

This marks the third time we’ve been out recently to an area of London known as “Shepherds Bush” (steady…). So I suppose you could say that's become our equivalent of Central Perk! Going to see a film contrasts with the Friends™ visit to a hockey game in this episode as none of us really like sport.

I mean, sure I’ll watch football on the telly if it’s an international match, I just don’t have time for the commitment needed to follow it properly. At times this creates quite a gulf between me and people who DO support a football team. I wonder how my friendships would be different if I did? I suspect more random events would happen in my life.

Joey Number 1 did once try to organise a tennis match, but we ended up having a cheese night after he miss-spelt "racket" as "raclette".

Literally nothing of interest happened on our trip to the cinema, with a large portion of the evening being taken up by sitting in the dark. I can see why the writers of Friends™ chose a hockey match over a visit to the cinema. In fact I can’t think at all of a time the Friends™ go to the cinema! (Feel free to correct me in the comments...)

In many ways this episode continues the themes set out by Episode 2. Except this time the focus is on the pressures felt by Rachel rather than Monica. In a small coincidence, before the film a friend of a friend mentioned she hates being single, because whenever she goes home her family constantly asks her if she’s got a boyfriend yet.

Girl, Monica can feel your pain!

I myself can relate to Rachel’s excitement then disappointment at her first payslip. Not least because a few months ago I was paid 1% of what I supposed to be due to an administrative error!

I found it interesting how Rachel’s snobby friends see her job as some sort of little jolly she’s doing for fun rather than an unfortunate economic necessity of circumstance.

I often feel people in my own life view my “career” (or lack thereof) in a similar way. My partner has had some bad news in the job department too, so the scenes of Rachel, Phoebe and Monica lying around in their pajamas, depressed at their jobs and lack of direction in life struck particularly close to home. We don't even have any hot politicians out our window to entertain us! Although we do have Netflix.

I saw R, P and M’s appreciation of Mr Stephanopoulos as another affirmation of their sexuality. This, again, piqued my interest in the shows feminist slant so I decided to have a look into the gender distribution of the writers:

Series one has a ratio of three women to eight men (including series co-creator Marta Kauffman) and it turns out that this episode was solely written by a woman: Alexa Junge.

Although this looks like quite a poor ratio; ten out of the twenty-four episodes in season one were either written or co-written by a woman which I think is actually quite good.

Particularly in such a traditionally male dominated industry such as comedy.

As with last episode though; any liberal bingo points the writers gain are counter-balanced by some slightly insensitive jokes about deaf people making noises when having sex. (Although I can hardly talk as one of my Real Live Friends once split my sides with a story of their deaf flatmate having rather loud sex too…)

Speaking of sex, this episode has Ross revealing he lost his virginity to Carol and that he was with her for seven years. I only have one RLF who has been in a relationship for this long, who happily is already my Ross No. 1 (his number of sexual partners is currently unconfirmed…)

If I was super creepy this means I could count every time Ross gets laid and work out how many sexual partners he has before he finally (SPOILER ALERT) settles down with Rachel. Fortunately for you I am super creepy! So I will be doing that.

The first few episodes I felt like Ross and Rachel got over their relationships ending unrealistically quickly, so I was glad they focused more on the fallout from that this week, and showed Ross hurting from his split. Hurt, Ross, hurt. I need your pain for my entertainment.

So far I’m really enjoying re-watching the show as it is both funnier and more moving than I remember. I don’t regret starting this ridiculous project at all!

Having said that, this episode brought two uncomfortable realisations with it:

Firstly, it is explicitly stated in this episode that it's 20th October. This means I am a lot further behind than I thought. As a result, I’ve planned ahead and found that for News Years to match up I'll have to do one a week until the end of the year. Only then can I settle into my originally planned more leisurely pace of one episode every two weeks. Lucky for you I guess?

Secondly I noticed this week that in my efforts to start the retro-90s trend (“hairdresser, make me look like David Beckham circa 1996”) I have inadvertently ended up with Chandler’s hair…

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

I went to a wedding this week where the wedding band singer was the ex of the bride.

Although in a sit-com this would have lead to a litany of humorous yet awkward situations I am happy to report that everyone was very adult about the situation! I say happy… I am of course livid that nothing amusing happened.

Friends™: 1 – Real Live Friends: 0

Did you know the length of a man’s penis can be told from the distance between his thumb and his fingertip? You did? Fantastic! I suppose you heard it in school? There was always that one kid with preternatural knowledge of such matters... At the time we assumed they were some sort of omnipotent god with wisdom in defiance of their young years... it turns out they just watched Friends™!

Let’s not waste too much time on whether it’s true or not as I’m typing this up hurriedly at work. With my exceptionally long fingers. Read on for:

“The One Where Strange Coincidences Start to Happen”

Despite predicting my life would prove much less eventful than that of the Friends™, no sooner have I started Real Live Friends than a host of strange, sit-com like, occurrences have happened! Like a sort of Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon but with less death.

First we had the mysterious incident of my academic friend, then two Real Live Friends going on a break, but this week it was my turn for an unusual happening... which could easily have appeared in Friends™:

We were driving home and a fox ran out ahead of the car. He was quite far away so I carried on as normal, until we heard a loud bang from the side of the car. Turns out a dog was chasing him and ran straight into my car!

We stopped and ran over. The owner was there, surprisingly chilled out for someone whose dog had just hit a car. He said he'd just got home opened the front door and the dog dashed out after the fox. Fortunately, after a few minutes of us fussing over the dog he was up and seemed ok. Perhaps a little dazed, but that's to be expected after you've head butted a Vauxhall Astra at speed.

It's not like I needed another reason to think dogs were stupid but if I ever do get one (a dog not a reason) someone please remind me to get a house with a porch first. Or as I shall call them from now on: "a dog airlock".

My own 'Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' has a strange sort of synergy with this week’s episode.

Ross finds out his dog didn’t really “go off to the farm” when they were younger. Also something’s just struck me (much like the dog): unlike the Friends™, I have a car, due to being forced to the suburbs. With their well located flats (see: Rent Control) the friends have no need for a polluting car, instead having (the questionable) luxury of taking public transport.

Time now I think for the first “diversity report”: This episode continues to buck the trend with the second appearance of a black character, this time working with Monica. However the P.C. points they get for that are slightly undermined by some quite blunt and lazy gay jokes.

In the big game of liberal Friends™ foosball it’s Black People: 1 - Gay People: 0 with everything to play for... (NB. I’m not actually going to keep score as if there’s some sort of battle between marginalised groups to see who is most oppressed. Because there isn’t.)

Before we get a bit more serious I have a few light observations. This episode starts with a character fobbing off Phoebe after a date with the phrase “we should do this again”.

This reminded me of later in the series when notoriously poor date/relationship ender Chandler attempts to employ this phrase only to accidentally prolong a relationship by altering it to “I’ll call you and we’ll do it again sometime!” I wonder whether this was a conscious continuation of the joke on the part of the writers, or a case of them reusing a similar joke and not realising?

We also get our first glimpse of Gunther serving drinks behind the bar. I’m sure this character needs no introduction to anyone who’s watched the series before. I will be interested to see how long it is before he’s given his first line. I expect it could be a while as James Michael Taylor was only given the role for being the only "background artiste" capable of using the coffee machine.

It's all a bit Chandler-centric as we see his battles with nicotine addiction for the first time. This offers a welcome chance for the writers to broaden out his character. He was less well established than the others at the start due to his propensity for speaking in jokes. It also highlights another difference between now and the nineties: the ability to smoke inside.

As an ex-smoker I can relate all too well to Chandler's desperation but it makes for amusing viewing as I'm reminded of the lengths smokers go to feed their habit when Chandler attempts to smoke in the rain.

Oddly, despite most of my Real Live Friends now being non-smokers, my real life has once again tied in with this week’s episode as “Ross No. 2” has sadly taken up smoking in the wake of his break. This of course now puts him in the unenviable position of being both “Ross No. 2” and “Chandler No. 1” so hopefully we will see improvements in both of those areas soon. (I say unenviable but I was kind of hoping I would be “Chandler No. 1”...)

Many things have been said about how difficult it is to stop smoking but Allen Carr (no not that one) and I would argue it’s easy. I was a confirmed smoker for seven years before reading his book and have now been a non-smoker for almost two years so would recommend it to any of you who are sick of it. I suspect if Chandler had read Allen Carr’s book this episode would have been a lot shorter.

I think there is a large role friends (as opposed to Friends™) play in whether people stop smoking or continue. Of my Real Live Friends just over half were smokers for a long time until we reached a tipping point when a few of us stopped. From then on the transition to almost all of us being non-smokers was markedly more rapid.

My partner and her friends, however, have yet to reach this tipping point with most of them still smoking and she's found it very difficult to stop as a result.

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

Seeing as I’ve already mentioned the dog/car fiasco I must use another incident for this week’s Real Life Sitcom moment. Fortunately, as I mentioned at the start, they’re suddenly bloody everywhere!

This one comes in the form of “Phoebe No. 2” otherwise known as – a friend from work who left recently to pursue their work as an artist. However they’re not “Phoebe No. 2” because they’re creative but rather because, just like Phoebe in this episode, they've recently been the recipient of unexpected money.

Although they left work around six months ago, due to an administrative error, they’re still getting money periodically appearing in their account!