Much like Carol, I’ve spent my day attempting to get a thing which is just that little bit too big through a small space. Although I recognise that doing DIY is probably slightly easier than giving birth.

At least giving birth is a bit more worthwhile. All this work seems a bit pointless given our tenancy runs out next year. Honestly, you put in all this work and then 9 months later you have to move out.

Not even a baby to show for it.

“The One Where Things Are Back to Normal… Mostly”

I’m hoping all the banging is annoying our neighbours. They’ve been on holiday and left an alarm ringing for a whole week! I’ve never been so close to breaking into someone’s house.

With summer in full swing they’re not the only ones off on holiday. The Friends™ theme tune excellently captures the problems facing 20-somethings - “your job’s a joke, you're broke, your love lives D.O.A.” – perfectly distilling the themes of Friends™ into one and a half minutes, but several of my Real Live Friends are doing much better than the Friends™.

Just to bring things full circle at the end of Season 1, the Real Live Friends who got promoted in episode one have been promoted again as their career ladders seem to have bizarrely synced up. And Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2 (who lets face it is probably now the main Chandler) have been jet setting off on all kinds of weekend breaks.

But all this hard work can make it hard to meet new people and both Real Live Joey and Real Live Chandler are some of my only Real Live Friends remaining single into their late 20s. It’s a bit of a cliché, but most of them are those in high flying careers. It does seem there’s still something in this episode’s observation of how hard doctors find it to find relationships outside of work. Even the most recent of my Doctor Real Live Friends to get into a relationship is with a nurse.

This episode is almost exclusively set in hospital as Ross’s son is finally born. And I for one am looking forward to seeing how Ben contributes to the show. I mean, it’s not like they’d just gradually forget him is it?

But also there’s a surprising amount of focus on Joey’s worries about fatherhood, as he becomes a surrogate birthing partner to one attractive young mother. This mirrors my own Real Live Friends unexpected positions of responsibility. Joey here is a much more well-rounded character than later in the series – as this plot carries forward his concerns about becoming his father.

And speaking of the future [SPOILER ALERT] this episode has a couple of cute moments (with hindsight) between Chandler and Monica. Including Chandler attempting to make a “let’s get together and have a kid when we’re forty” pact with her.

I’ve lost track of all the marriage pacts I made in high school. (Which is probably for the best, given how tricky negotiating that minefield might have been.) However I remember making a “let’s get married when we’re forty” pact several years ago too. I ended up wishing I’d suggested thirty instead, after I remained single for several years and realised I really liked the other person.

Thankfully I don’t have any need for it now. And in any case am not sure they’re legally binding…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As with Ross and Carol disappearing during the birth, I’ve had my own case of a mysterious disappearance.

I went round my parents only to find my mother had gone away. No word of where. I asked my father and he simply said she’d gone away for the week but wouldn’t tell him where. Sick with worry, given her recent trauma over losing our dog, I ended up frantically ringing my sisters to find out if they knew where she was. It turned out she’d just gone for a holiday in the Lake District.

I’m still not sure whether my dad was playing a trick on me or genuinely didn’t know.

Ah the evil orthodontist. Worst of all evil people. My mouth suffered at the hands of one in my teens. On the plus side I do now have relatively straight teeth, if a little ground down from all the worry of my last twenty seven years...

Unlike a lot of people I’ve never really had much of a problem going to the dentists or anything like that though. My partner completely refuses to go at all. (As far as I know this is out of fear and not because she once left one at the altar.) Rachel certainly doesn’t have a problem returning to Barry though; as Friends™ delves into the seedy world of on-off-on relationships.

I’ve never had anything as serious as Rachel’s situation happen to me (with the cheating, and the engagements). A couple of times my previous partner and I hooked up in moments of weakness after university. But, thinking about it, some of my most rewarding flings did happen in a weird, sort of, on-again/off-again limbo. Whatever it was that happened with my “Cannibal Boss” followed that sort of non-relationship pattern. Until the last off-again, when “Other Boss” swooped in and turned out to be a much better fit for her.

There was one non-relationship in particular that spanned several years. I find it hard to say why it never developed into something more serious – other than us just being too young. Neither one of us wanted to get tied down and drifted apart. They’re still one of my favourite people I’ve ever met, and every now and then I find myself missing their presence in my life. Usually when they pop up in my Facebook™ newsfeed.

Sadly they’re the only Real Live Friend I decided to stop seeing altogether when I got with my current partner. Just in case old habits came back. As Rachel finds, it can be very enjoyable returning to someone you’ve got a history with. But it’s not always a good idea.

“The One With the Most Uneventful Birthday of All Time”

In another surprisingly meta-turn T.O.W.T.E.O. flags up the weirdness of the Friends™ spying on Ugly Naked Guy by giving them their own spy across the street.

Everyone’s freaked out before Joey tracks her down and she wins them over with kind words and compliments. I’ve been thinking a lot about Joey’s creeping. It’s an interesting relic of the show. Many instances of his behaviour, like him getting sexual gratification from imagining Rachel at camp, seem especially seedy by today’s standards. And yet they often garner the biggest laughs.

How much of this is because of the broad strokes Joey is cast with and how much is because we recognise him from real life is hard to say. But I don’t think anyone would deny that they’ve perved on at least one of their Real Live Friends at some point.

There is another element however, which reflects real life – attractiveness. We forgive Joey for a lot of his creepiness because he is young and attractive. Likewise the characters do as well. Could you imagine Rachel or Monica’s reaction to Joey’s comments if they came from Mr Heckles? Or Ugly Naked Guy? Or even from Chandler?

Context and mode of delivery is all important. The same thing said to someone by a nice young attractive man in a bar has completely different connotations when said by an old man in a duffel coat, a group of men on the tube, or even the same nice young man once he’s had three too many beers, is bleary eyed, slurring, and drenched in sweat.

Joey is also an expert at cloaking his pervy-ness behind compliments. And as a result, much like the woman on the phone, he is let off the hook.

Speaking of hooks (because it wouldn’t be RLF without a tenuous “speaking of” segue): I had another reminder of orthodontists this week when I ended up watching some old family videos on my birthday. My braces definitely go a long way to explaining my lack of success with women at the time. (Though not my lack of success once they were removed.)

It was very strange watching the videos. I remember the events happening, but it was like watching a different person’s life. I remember the child in the videos but he isn’t me. I’m hoping this is just a natural result of aging. And not because I drank so much at university I severed the connection between the person I was before and the person I am now.

If I needed another reminder of how I’m now DEFINITELY. AN. ADULT. the fates certainly delivered. I spent the rest of my birthday having to sort out my MOT, car insurance and road tax. The mundanity of this was brought into sharp relief by the home videos including a wild bouncy castle birthday party.

My birthday dullness, combined with leaving my job after three years, has got me thinking: What’s the best thing that’s happened to me in the last three years? Aside from moving in with my partner I don’t really know... I’ve been on some holidays? Drank a lot of wine? Seen the new Star Wars™?

It seems like nothing’s really happened. I’ve been sitting still (literally in the case of work).

All my fears of wasting my life combined when I decided to leave. Fears I entertained daily as I sat in traffic jams or stared into the void of the internet.

But will my new role be any different? I’m replacing being annoyed at people in cars with being annoyed at people on trains. Staring blankly at a computer displaying the news with staring blankly at a computer screen displaying a spreadsheet.

And all for a change of scene and a bit of extra money.

Sitting outside in the garden at work on my last day, I’ve been struck by how peaceful working here has been. I think actually in many ways it’s helped me heal my mind a little. Even as the clock has ticked away.

I will miss the place, but perhaps something a little less peaceful might be a little more interesting.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This weeks RLSM comes courtesy of Chandler Number 2 who, so far, has probably been doing the best job of living up to their character. Another bizarre parallel comes with news that she’s moving into Joey Number 1s shared house! Hopefully this will give us a new hub of fun and many RLSM’s to come. Although annoyingly it is right next to the job I am now leaving.

Well, any residual doubt I had over whether to leave my job is now completely gone. I just found out the person doing our rotas has given away one of my last shifts. And no-one told me! This means I can’t do the hours I’m contracted for this month.

I’m hoping that, given past form, Human Resources won’t notice and I’ll still get paid at least.

But it definitely feels like it’s time to move on...

“The One With the Dad Drink Off”

My temptation to assign myself as Rachel Number 2 continues this week as she complains about her mother sending her engagement notices.

OK, I haven’t quite been sent any engagement notices. My parents are pretty relaxed on that front (unlike my girlfriend! #AmIRightFellas? #NoIAmNot) But my mother does continually send me links to jobs she thinks I could do and flats we can’t afford.

It seems like I’ve been on family duty a lot these past two weeks. My partner’s dad now lives abroad so we don’t see him that often. He just came to visit so we went for a lovely day out with all of my partner’s family. This led to the strange realisation that the sound of babies crying doesn’t seem to annoy me anymore. At least where my potential niece is concerned.

Babies crying used to be in my top 3 least favourite sounds, along with dogs barking and sirens. I can only hope dogs barking is the next to go. Otherwise my new job may be very short lived – due to the two extremely whiny dogs my boss owns.

We also went to see my partner’s Nan which was a bit of a shame. Not a shame that we were seeing her, but a shame we’d been meaning to for quite a while and then shortly before we went she had a scare and ended up in hospital. Hopefully she doesn’t think our visit was only a pity visit because of that.

One thing I found particularly entertaining whilst there was that the parking permits they have for her estate come in the form of a scratch card. Because if we know one thing about old people it’s they love a scratch card...

Anyway, as the title suggests, this episode is about Rachel losing Marcel. FINALLY A MONKEY CENTRED EPISODE. This is a smart plotline though as it means they don’t actually need that much of Marcel. It’s well known the cast and crew of Friends™ found it very difficult working with Katie (the female monkey who played Marcel) so this neatly sidesteps the problem of actors working with animals. How can the director get those beasts to do what they want with a monkey hanging around?

Speaking of animals, there's a joke about Chandler and Joey stumbling upon some hot and sweaty women with a broken radiator in their search for Marcel. I don't mean that they're the animals! Joey's the animal... when he asks if he can have some pictures of them. Oh Joey, you loveable pervert.

And speaking of lovable perverts, this episode also features another dose of Mr Heckles - who inexplicably dresses Marcel in a pink tutu. But everything is wrapped up nicely as Rachel atones for losing Marcel, when she saves him from the clutches of an animal handler she went to school with.

Mostly this episode left me thinking it would have all been over a lot quicker if they had mobile phones to coordinate their search.

With Marcel safe, Ross is free to continue his initial plan of confessing his feelings to the increasingly oblivious Rachel... only for her ex-fiancé to rush in and declare his love for her first.

DAMMIT BARRY.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My recent family duties included a dinner with my partner’s father where we realised he’d never met my parents!

After a quick phone call to ensure we were welcome, we made the spur of the moment decision to take him to meet them. We were initially fearful that, as we’d had quite a few drinks, my partner’s father might embarrass himself. But any fears along those lines were put to rest after my mother assured me my own father (and my own Mr Heckles) was at a similar level of inebriation.

In the end I’d say my Mr Heckles probably won the battle of the embarrassing dads – after he made a string of jokes about how his very elderly father was refusing to give up the ghost, and how he himself wasn’t likely to last much longer!

Oh dear, dad, oh dear...

“So are what are you going to do?” Rachel Number 1 asked about my would-be seducer.

“Well I’ve got several options... quit my job to remove temptation, embark on a clandestine affair or tell her in no uncertain terms that nothing will happen as I’m very happy with my current relationship.”

“Well the last one sounds best to me.”

“I agree but...”

“But? You’re not seriously considering cheating?”

“Of course not! It’s just...”

“Oh God, you’re going to put this in the blog aren’t you?”

“I need a cliffhanger! The timing is perfect!”

“I don’t know how your partner puts up with you...”

“The One Where My Cliffhanger Gets Me Into Hot Water”

OK, hands up who thought I was actually about to embark on an affair?

Keep your hands up if you think, if I was, I would be dumb enough to share it on the internet?

Well thanks a lot... your confidence in me (or lack of it) is noted...

I hope you enjoyed my little attempt at a cliffhanger. A public blog really isn’t the best way to let your partner know someone’s attempting to seduce you. I really put my relationship on the line for you guys!

Still, my partner finding out through the blog probably would have been preferable to what actually happened – which was her finding a rather racy Facebook™ message the young woman sent me. I’m not trying to brag here. In fact I will happily state it’s been a very long time since anyone has shown the slightest interest in me sexually. But naturally I got a little caught up in the flattery and failed to shut down the situation immediately as I should have.

This led to a rather serious conversation with my partner.

We talked about whether we’re still happy, and how we can keep each other fulfilled in our hobbies and careers, whilst making sure we still have a good time together. After we’d spoken some more about what an idiot I was and how I could make things right I started making dinner. We were sorting out making sure the time we spend together can be “quality time” and not just conversations about mortgages and children. Weirdly my body chose that moment for the floodgates to open and I started crying as I told her how much I hated what a shithole our flat was. How it ground me down coming back to all the mess after work. And how I’d showered at my parents the day before as I couldn’t stand how grim ours had got.

My partner, understandably annoyed about me making the situation about myself, started furiously scrubbing the shower. I tried to get her to stop but she’s pretty tenacious for someone so small and I was left with no other option – I had to get in the shower.

Clothes off or on? There was no time... I whipped my phone out my pocket and, as my phone landed safely on the sofa with a thud, dived into the shower.

Thankfully it was worth it and all our tears turned back to smiles as she gleefully sprayed me with water. In the face. Repeatedly.

With the crisis averted, and us both feeling a little more positive about the future again, we settled down to watch the next episode of Friends™. After a brief rub down with a towel and a change of clothes.

As my partner has recently been spending more time watching ER than visiting it she was excited to see George Clooney (and the other one) pop up. Albeit confused to see their names had changed due to the unofficial nature of the crossover... The doctors and hospital faced similar confusion as Rachel and Monica swapped names to avoid Rachel having to pay for health care. Hang on... What? They pay for healthcare!? America is a strange place.

Unfortunately for the two Friends™ this name swapping gave them ample opportunity to insult one another – ruining their chances with Clooney in the process. I wouldn’t worry Rachel... I’m sure you’ll have plenty of other opportunities to seduce A-List movie stars as the series progresses. But they struck upon an interesting point here: It is always easy for us to embarrass our friends.

Intimate knowledge gained from years of friendship gives us a tremendous amount of power over our Real Live Friends. Thanks to the internet there’s also a growing unease felt by people about how much of themselves they share. Not surprising, given some of the stuff I could tell you about my friends! (And vice versa).

But the bonds of friendship (as well as the mutually assured destruction) keep us from over-sharing. I think this is a big part of being an adult too, knowing when to share and when to keep schtum. When to remain silent and when’s the perfect time to bring out that hilarious anecdote about your friend getting their willy stuck in the refrigerator door.

As I’ve been reminded this week: it’s always easiest to hurt the people we care about the most.

This is explored in the episode as well: as, to Phoebe’s dismay, Joey’s tryst with Ursula continues. Lisa Kudrow does an excellent job, both in playing the twin characters but also in bringing out the emotion of Phoebe’s experience. Particularly in the last scene where she pretends to be Ursula to let Joey down gently and he finally comes through for her.

I’m not what you’d call a typical shipper (largely because the series ended over ten years ago) but it does almost seem a shame that nothing ever happened between Phoebe and Joey.

Back in real life, inspired by Phoebe’s party, we’ve decided to host our own little party to finish washing away our troubles. And to distract us from talk of mortgages. So come back (please) next time to see how that goes. Who knows maybe I’ll even have my own Gunther pop up in the background of our party?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Me temo que si usted habla español esta broma se perderá en usted... Pero no estaba poniendo el televisor a Marcel divertida español.  Y la etiqueta sobrecopiada al final del episodio fue genial! Bueno aquí está mi intento de hacer lo mismo. Es la versión en Vivo Real Amigos si se quiere. O copiándome Amigos™ si no lo hará. De todos modos es mi blog y creo que el incidente de la ducha era probablemente lo suficientemente grande para mí a abandonar teniendo un Momento Sitcom Real Vivo separada por una vez. Espero que me perdonen. Ciao

"The One with Actual Cannibalism"

So after last week’s placenta discussion, I’ve found out my boss HAS EATEN SOME.

And not even her own! Turns out her Godmother went for it when she gave birth, and when my boss was offered a taste she, naturally, did the right thing and tried some.

I feel I should also mention at this point, and I have to be very careful how I phrase this, that my boss and I used to be lovers. (“Lovers” pfft, perhaps I should have been a bit more careful how I phrased it...)

Please understand I’m not trying to be boastful, it’s just relevant as this week several of the Friends™ accidentally seeing each other naked!

Despite our previous “engagements” there’s a surprising lack of awkwardness between me and my boss, as well as with her current partner (who’s my other boss – them being partners in both senses of the word). I suppose it's down to it being a long time ago (we’ve all known each other since university). Plus our state of inebriation at the time has blocked many of the more sordid details from our memories.

In an amusing coincidence, boss number 2 recently saw me in a state of undress too when I forgot to lock the toilet door at work. And I'm regularly treated to glimpses of his rear-end due to his preference for ill fitting trousers.

We’ve lost track of who’s seen who naked in my Real Live Friend group. It rivals the Friends™ for complexity. Several of us had close encounters of the blurred kind, before ending up where we are now. Social gatherings are periodically punctuated by exclamations of “oh yerh! I forgot you two got together that time!” Almost all of them have seen me undressed at some point – but this is mostly thanks to an unfortunate towel slip on holiday.

It really is remarkable how easy it is to act normally around each other even though we’ve all seen each other’s bits.

Speaking of jobs (not that kind...) I had an interview this week.

It was at the top of a very tall building overlooking London. It was brilliant gazing across the cityscape (with markedly less skyscrapers than New York) as I waited for my interviewer to arrive. As they were late I decided it would make a good impression if I stood looking out the window then turned to greet them. like I was some sort of mob boss. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Netflix™.

But it really was fantastic looking across the city, with the discovery of gravitational waves playing on telly, and feeling an impending sense of positive change both within my life and beyond!

Before I was cut back down to size during the interview. They asked why, despite being young, bright and well-educated, I’d been stuck in “starter jobs” for the last three years. All I could answer was “I’ve often asked myself that question.”

The job would mark a bit of a change for me. It’s in an area I’ve previously avoided, despite a natural aptitude. Mostly due to a wish to not just follow in my father’s footsteps but rather strike my own path.

We all want to inherit the best parts of our parents and leave the negative behind. I’ve already touched on this and have shared Joey’s fears of reliving his father’s infidelity too in the past. But as much as I don’t want to turn into a carbon copy of my father, I’ve recently decided emulating his successful career would be no bad thing.

Aside from the A-plot of Joey’s dad’s affair we have Phoebe’s new boyfriend psychoanalysing the Friends™.

This being London, and not New York, me and my Real Live Friends have much less reliance on shrinks (as far as I'm aware) though we are no less neurotic. My Chandler Number 2 spent a fair amount of time psychoanalysing Joey Number 1 in the pub last night. Although they had to take a short break when Joey No. 1 lived up to his namesake and had to move seats because he was distracted by a nearby woman’s cleavage.

I’ve never met Joey No. 1s parents and appropriately enough this episode is the only appearance of Joey’s parents. This is a bit of a shame as I enjoyed Not Danny Devito’s turn as Joey Snr. and thought the mother’s ballsey entrance was great! It’s oft said that Joey was the least developed character in the show. Perhaps featuring his parents more might have helped?

I certainly found it interesting, the way Joey’s relationship with his father switched from that of a son and father, to a more even footed adult-to-adult interaction once he discovers the affair. This was a neat distillation of the shift in our relationship with our parents in early adulthood, before going a step further for comic affect as the roles reverse and Joey acts like the parent – offering up Chandler’s bedroom to keep his dad from committing further infidelity (with an odd lack of protest from Chandler).

But perhaps Joey’s already (surprisingly) mature relationship with his parents hints at why they were featured less? After all there is less comedic mileage in a balanced parent-child relationship than with overbearing parents (such as the Gellars) or the embarrassment caused by a parent acting younger than their age (Chandlers mum).

Finally, it’s a great stroke to have Joey’s mother glad about the affair because it actually improved their marriage. I like to think the Tribbiani's are still out there now... happily married and still cheating on each other.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Well I think the blog has got big enough for our own celebrity cameo now, so let’s all imagine a 90s Neve Campbell popping up as my old Canadian music teacher. Back in school my partner and I sat together in her lessons. My partner now teaches music herself and one of her students goes to our old school.

The child’s mother told us of a recent parents evening where she asked Neve Campbell if she remembered us. The teacher replied “oh yes they were in my first ever class!” At which point the mother asked “did you know they’re together now?” and the teacher burst into tears.

So there you have it. Not many people can say their relationship has made one of their old teachers cry! I can only hope it was the sentimental joy of us ending up together and not something like her husband just leaving her.

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

I am of course talking about the release of the new Star Wars film. (Four stars)

Star Wars is a huge deal for me and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve seen it twice already. Only one and a half seasons of Friends™ till the next one! I can’t wait.

I’ve been told there’s another big thing going on at the moment... Winterval? Saturnalia? Something like that. I’ve found it hard to get excited this year. Largely because I find it hard to get excited about anything when people constantly ask me if I’m excited about it yet.

Completely ruins the momentum.

Anyway, as we all know, in America they celebrate Thanksgiving instead of Christmas so it’s time for the first Friends™ Thanksgiving episode!

“The One Where I Don’t Celebrate Thanksgiving”

Well, I suppose I can get in the spirit a little...

I’m thankful for:

1. Joey unwittingly becoming the face of VD
2. Chandler’s sweet ass tweed jacket (I’m quite the connoisseur myself)
3. My wonderful girlfriend, who has so far very graciously put up with me talking about her in the blog.

We ended up settling on Christmas Eve with my family, Boxing Day with hers and going our separate ways on the day itself (as she didn’t want to miss her Nieces first Christmas). My point that the baby won’t even know it’s Christmas (akin to Ross’s doubt over whether the baby in his wife’s stomach could hear him, let alone understand) was sadly ignored.

But I’m happy I managed to fit everyone in, even if it means I haven’t achieved anything over the festive period.

Part of the goal of this project is to ensure I don’t lose contact with Real Live Family and Friends so it’s good it seems to be working so far! I even joined my family on their annual trip to the pub with their dog-walker friends. Normally I would have stayed at home for a little peace and quiet away from all the barking and bladder problems. (And that's just my parents...)

As Chandler says, it doesn’t really feel like the festive season until there are arguments so it was nice being home. And everything was relatively civil this year too. (In the same way as the English War of 1624 -1651). Maybe this is why I'm enjoying Susan’s antagonism towards Ross so much. I must recognise the friendly hostility of someone rubbing you up the wrong way who you can’t escape due to circumstance.

But I am thankful that I could spend Christmas with my family. It was put in perspective by Rachel not getting an advance from work to spend Thanksgiving with her family. My heart goes out to all in a similar predicament at this time of year!

There's something very special about the relationship of a child to their parents cooking. Of all the fancy meals I’ve had I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed one as much as something cooked by my parents. Like a sort of dietary Stockholm Syndrome.

Both of their roasts are exquisite (although if ever the two were combined I think we’d discover a new reaction to rival Nuclear fission) and it was my dad’s turn this year. He didn’t disappoint! Least of all because (much like the Friends™) he didn’t get his head stuck in the Turkey. There’s always next year...

Speaking of the difficulty of people fitting inside things (steady) one of the principle problems this year was getting everyone in the same room at the same time to do presents. No sooner had my father taken a break from cooking than my sister would disappear to buy some cigarettes. At least we didn’t all get locked out like the Friends™!

Our flat has had several “almost setting things on fire” incidents since we moved in. Notably after an oven glove was left on a burning hob. And when my attempts to host my first BBQ ended prematurely as the result of a leaky gas pipe. And when we smelt burning plastic only to discover that the cupboard underneath the hobs was maybe not the best place to store all of our plastic bags.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s difficult to choose this week. Between my chaotic family roast, my partners Nan coming up with the rudest answers during board games, and my friend almost setting himself on fire at a gig on Christmas Eve.

But I think I have to go with the moment we arrived at the pub on Christmas Day - only to find the man behind the bar inexplicably dressed as Darth Vader.

Following last week’s heated discussion my partner and I have reached an uneasy truce.

She, mostly, cleans the litter tray and in exchange I try not to complain about the amount of food in the sink and deal with the resulting slugs. But my cat troubles continue: only this morning he smashed his food bowl, a while ago he jumped up and scratched my penis, and worst of all a few days ago he broke my phone!

As a result my notes on this week’s episode are currently lost to me, so I'll be attempting to complete this using a mixture of my memory and Wikipedia™.

“The One Where I Try and Remember Things”

I have a terrible memory. Last week I rather flippantly mentioned my “budding dependence on alcohol and kebabs.” But the truth is I’ve had a complicated relationship with alcohol since I went to university. (Not so with kebabs where it’s a very simple relationship along the lines of: “I want you, I’ve eaten you. Yum.”)

I’ve never been a full on alcoholic but, as with many students, I found myself drinking regularly (and increasingly heavily) during my studies. This was not helped by taking five years to graduate, and I developed a love/hate relationship with drink once I realised over four years I hadn’t had more than three days sober in a row - and that this probably wasn’t a good idea.

I’ve had several attempts to deal with this in recent years – usually taking the form of stopping for a month to see if I can, achieving my goal (mostly) and then returning to drinking after being relieved I’m not actually addicted. Which is fine, until I reach the point of drinking almost every day again and then it starts over.

As you would expect, I’ve had noticeable deterioration in my health and memory as a result, and was heavily contemplating stopping completely from the age of 25 – 35. Until I decided to watch all of Friends™ during that time instead.

This week the Friends™ discuss the weirdest place they’ve had sex. Fortunately I can’t recall my own so I won’t be sharing. Not having a great memory can have its upsides.!

But, speaking of getting naked, there's another Ugly Naked Guy joke this episode: when they see him lighting candles in his apartment. Aside from this amusing me, as it foreshadows Rachel doing the same many years later, it also made me happy because it reminded me we’ve got our own Ugly Naked Guy now!

I swear I’m not making this up.

My partner’s mother was round and our door was open to let the cats come and go. The back of our house looks onto another building and suddenly a naked man appeared in one of the windows! Is he reading the blog and playing a trick on me? Only time will tell...

The line between reality and Friends™ was further blurred, when we played a phone app game this week. You put a phone on your head and it goes through categories. Everyone has to describe them and the person with the phone has to guess what they are. Suffice to say, when we played the Friends™ category, me and my partner were too busy laughing at “Gum would be PERFECTION” from this episode coming up that we couldn’t continue...

As with George Stephanopolous I'm surprised to find the target of Chandler’s gum related affections (Jill Goldacre) was actually a real person! The preponderance of cameos in Friends™ is well known but I’m surprised to see they had them so early on. Maybe she knew someone at the studio?

Our confusing coincidences continue as Ross’s attempts to ask out Rachel are thwarted by an attack from a cat. It’s good to know I’m not the only one with animal trouble. On top of the cats we just visited my best Real Live Friend who's got a very cute puppy; who's yet to understand that people don’t want their trouser legs bitten.

It was good fun seeing him (as it always is). Much like Joey and Chandler we have a very special bromance where we’re able to understand one another even when talking in a way that no-one else can understand. This proved a huge annoyance for our teachers in school and also for our partners during the visit as they struggled to get a word in.

Real Life Sitcom Moment:

During Rachel’s and Phoebe’s quest to return the lost cat they encounter a new recurring guest character – Mr Heckles. This week’s Real Live Sitcom Moment comes courtesy of another grumpy old man: my father.

He’s been digitising his old CDs recently (which naturally has required a bit of help from his more technologically savvy son). He invited me round for the dinner the other day, and it turned out it only because he needed me to answer a question about the computer. He also accused me of stealing CDs – despite them being by artists I have no interest in.

We both like music, and share a love of certain bands (such as Pink Floyd), but the generation gap can make talking about it difficult, as can our faltering memories. Our conversation over dinner stuttered to a halt once he failed to remember the new singer who reminds him of Syd Barrett, and I’d assured him I do in fact know who Creedence Clearwater Revival are. Despite remembering none of their songs.

We’re not particularly good at communicating with each other in general but I think we’re both keenly aware we need to put in more effort. (Although he puts up a good front in this area - I’m still waiting for him to let me know when he’s free for a game of tennis.)

He rarely opens up or reveals much about himself but, as he was speaking about his music collection, and I was looking in his eyes (the same eyes I saw in myself last week) there was a magical moment, as the walls fell away and he revealed he's greatly been enjoying how the music has been bringing back long-forgotten memories to him.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes!”

“Err what?” I replied, incredulously.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes and putting a few jokes in” my girlfriend continued. “There’s none of you in it.”

“What about the Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week?”

“Oh yerh, it’s really fascinating reading a half baked anecdote about how nothing really happened but would have if real life was more like Friends™”

“Well that’s sort of the point…” I said defensively.

“In the first one you couldn’t even say what happened because your friend objected!”

“My Real Live Friend” I corrected “we’ve got to keep a consistent style here. Anyway that was beyond my control! And I can’t help that I’m terrible at anecdotes… in fact this one time I saw someone try to tell an anecdote and it trailed off and went nowhere.”

“Did you just try a joke out on me?”

“… err maybe.”

“See that’s exactly the problem. You’re using humour to deflect from actually putting any of yourself in the blog! And that’s what people want! Not just you talking about Friends™.”

“Using humour to deflect… oh my god just like Chandler!”

As she stormed out the room her words sank in more and I realised she had a point... So with that in mind:

“The One Where I Try to Get More Personal”

Because of my awkward shift patterns I sometimes end up with three days off in a row.

As much as the temptation is there to use these days productively they often result in three solid days of drinking with friends and/or family. Naturally, for someone my age, this tends to result in a period of sadness at the good times being over. As well as a prolonged hangover. And then I have to return to work. So it hasn’t been a great week for me.

Perhaps it’s the result of my heavy weekend, or because I’ve seen this episode so many times, but something felt oddly staged about it as I watched, curled up on the sofa in my wolf onesie. I can’t tell whether they were just overselling the jokes a little or, maybe, a sort of Friends™ fatigue has set in.

Nah. It’s probably just cause I'm completely zonked after going to a club night for the first time in years.

And I’m talking proper dancing till four in the morning then all back to our place for a cup of tea and a chat clubbing here.

But it hasn’t all been hedonism, sleeping on sofas and drunken discussions of bestiality since last week. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to know the logic behind why sex with dead animals is morally preferable to sex with live ones then feel free to email. I’m looking at you David Cameron!)

Before the weekend, my partner and I went to see Miss Saigon™ for her birthday.

After her criticism of me only reviewing things I won’t speak of it too much, but in a fun coincidence “The One with the Butt” also features a trip to the theatre. As someone who's been in plays I can relate to the Friends™ blunt appraisals of Joey’s star turn in a musical about Freud. Although in my own life I’ve found getting honest feedback can sometimes be like getting blood from a stone. Except of course, where my partner is concerned…

Speaking of partners, now he’s free from Janice, Chandler finds himself in a polyamorous relationship this episode.

Although I’ve had quite a few non-serious flings in the past I’ve never indulged in a polyamorous relationship. (Not for want of trying, mind). For those who don’t know: polyamory is where you believe that one person can be in love more than one person at the same time. Personally I prefer monopoly-amory, which is where everyone’s in love with one person. Me.

(Sorry… I had to cram in a joke somewhere.)

Monica’s cleanliness obsession appears for the first time this week. I used to be terminally filthy, with piles of dirty plates stacking up, overflowing ashtrays and smelly clothes filling my student houses, as I’m sure my old flatmates would attest. This wasn’t helped by us playing games such as “try and knock the cover off the fire alarm with your empty beer can” as well as my budding dependence on alcohol and kebabs.

However my aversion to washing up has led to me being obsessed with creating as little mess as possible. I have a serious lack of respect for anyone who eats a slice of toast using anything other than one knife as a result. JUST BALANCE IT ON THE MARGARINE POT, GOD.

This puts quite a strain on my relationship, as I'm loathe to clean up mess I did not create if it seems like an unreasonable amount. This issue is quadrupled by our cats who, aside from bringing in dead mice, regularly create what I would describe as “an unreasonable amount of mess” in their litter tray.

That I was misled to believe the cats would no longer need a litter tray once they started going outside is neither here nor there as I am continually branded a nag for complaining about the amount of mess on our kitchen tabletop. I wouldn’t mind if I felt it rang true. My main problem with the accusation is I used to hate being nagged by my mother.

Oh my god!!

“Ross: ‘Monica… you’re mom.’”

Well it looks like:
‘Ross… I’m Monica Number 1.’

Funnily enough, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we turn into our parents.

I was amazed (and terrified) when I looked in my rear view mirror, the other day, and saw my father’s eyes staring back at me. All it takes is a few years being ground down by work and exhaustion and the resemblance is suddenly there. But it’s not just in appearance. I’m constantly surprised in my grumpier moments to hear my father’s sarcastic voice coming out my mouth. Ironically this usually makes me more irritated; realising I’m trapped in an endless cycle of negative reinforcement.

I think it’s time to draw things to a close now (and we haven’t even talked about Al Pacino’s butt!). I was going to speak a little about my own experiences working as an extra for extra cash over the years but it looks like you’ll have to wait for that.

For the completists watching along with me there are two things to check out this episode:

1. First use of the Chandler emphasis “Could she BE more out of my league.”
2. Check out Joey’s shadow in the shower scene. It’s incredibly obvious that he’s wearing boxers! I mean why wouldn’t he at least have gone for briefs or pants?

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

My partner wasn’t the only one with a birthday this week as her nephew turned three.

Unfortunately right before he blew out his candles he asked where his grandmother’s recently deceased cat was. Having decided to raise him honestly his poor mother was left with no choice but to reply with “he’s gone”. The, newly grieving, child responded with the eternal question of “gone where?” only to discover the answer is “just gone”.

What a way to find out all life ends with death… as you blow out your birthday candles.

Seriously Rachel? You’ve never done laundry? NEVER?! You’re twenty three! Sort yourself out woman.

People often accuse my generation of being full of molly-coddled late bloomers but it looks like this trend started quite a while ago...

I found it surprising the Friends™ are already in their mid-20s by the start of the show. Now I can see why. Growing up with the show it always seemed like their lifestyles, troubles and the scrapes they got into were all the preserve of young adults on the cusp of responsibility. (At least for the first few series).

As a long term student (due to changing course) I’ve felt like I was lagging behind the expected point of my life for several years.

Unexpectedly, researching the ages of the Friends™ has reassured me that it’s not unusual, in our modern society, for people in their mid-20s to remain lost and directionless. And with large gaps in their knowledge. I suspect it’s not as usual for the gaps to increase as much as mine seem to, but overall it appears this project will be good for my mental health!

But still Rachel, your bloody laundry...

Perhaps I’m showing my privilege but I was also under the impression that laundromats aren't really that common anymore? Probably because I lived in shared houses at university rather than the high rise flats of New York. My privilege is also mirrored by Rachel’s in this episode after her dad gives her a car. I was lucky enough to have the same experience a few years ago when my dad got sick of me borrowing his. So REALLY, hitting that dog was his fault.

Continuing the series’ exploration of the difference between male and female experiences of dating, both Chandler and Phoebe attempt to end relationships. With varying success. The sudden off-screen appearance of these relationships to facilitate the story-line has been reflected in my own life. I’ve discovered Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have ended their break! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Its good news all round as this episode introduces one of the best recurring characters in Friends™. Oh my god! It’s Janice!!

Although she's clearly written in this episode to be a one-off, Maggie Wheeler does such a fantastic job of making Janice much more than a silly voice, that it’s no surprise they brought her back again and again. And this time she doesn’t even need to utter her famous catchphrase!

If you’re playing “watch along with Real Live Friends” there are a couple of other things to look out for this episode. Firstly, check out Ross’s weird tucked in shirt in the opening scene. He looks like a Hare Krishna got stuck in a transporter with an extra from Spike Jonze’s Her. Although, much like the dungarees a few episodes back, I wouldn’t be surprised to see someone wearing something similar on a fashionable street in London.

Secondly, I found it amusing, and strangely out of place, just how much of a dick Joey is to Monica in this episode.

To recap (if you're not watching): Joey tricks Monica into going on a double date with his ex and her new partner. But Joey tells the ex that Monica is his new squeeze and tells Monica he’s still with the ex, and that the new partner is her brother. Needless to say HILARITY ENSUES but I found it interesting seeing this early Joey go to almost Always Sunny in Philadelphia levels of ass-holery.

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

 “The One Where We Could Have Died”

Speaking of shared houses, my current flat (essentially a converted drive-way latched onto another house) has been causing quite a lot of trouble this week.

We were about to make dinner on Sunday when suddenly all our taps stopped working. After failing to get in contact with the landlord we were forced to get a takeaway. I later found out he was “having some work done” and neglected to tell us as he “assumed we would be out”. At dinner time. On a Sunday.

Still that pales in comparison to our other discovery this week that our boiler is supposed to terminate outside and that at any point in the last six months we could have been suffocated in our sleep by an unexpected backlog of Carbon Monoxide.

.As the show opens with the Friends™ sitting in Central Perk it immediately becomes apparent that there is something huge missing from my life that the Friends™ have... a local!

My Real Live Friends now have a quest on their hands: to decide on a place where we can all meet. Unfortunately, unlike the New York of the 90s, London is not subject to rent controls... As a result, in recent years, we have been thrust to various far corners of London. This has made most of our previously frequented spots a nightmare to get to.

Inspired by my new project we set out to find a new local which we can all get to easily. This being London, rather than New York, we settle upon a pub instead of a coffee shop and are soon discussing our weeks.

As it’s the very first episode and the characters need to be set up, the Friends™ initially don’t really talk about things other than their relationships. I just want to note here how incredibly well written the first scene is. It immediately establishes all the characters through their conversations whilst littering it with great jokes. (As well as offering us Matthew Perry’s immortal delivery of “And I just want a million dollars!” following Rachel’s dramatic entrance).

The show was initially criticised for underdeveloped characters but I was surprised to see a vast number of the characters major traits established right from the off. This even occurs with Chandler and Phoebe despite them speaking almost exclusively in the form of jokes. As I noted previously, with the arrival of the wedding-fleeing Rachel and the divorced Ross, all of the Friends™ characters are single – whereas only two of my friends at the pub are.

Our economic conditions are much more similar – with most of us occupying the same level of work as the Friends™: we’ve mostly achieved some level of success at the bottom rung of our chosen field. If anything my Real Live Friends are doing better than the Friends™ with our outing to the pub bringing news of several promotions. However from recent memory I can still relate to Rachel’s lack of work experience and fears of her newfound unemployment – although I can’t relate to her job hunt experience, where she gets twelve interviews in one day! IT TOOK ME EIGHT MONTHS TO FIND A JOB AFTER UNI.

Maybe it was my fault for studying Archaeology? It basically just taught me how to put up with all the hardships of being a builder, without giving me any of the skills required to be a builder!

Aside from talk of promotions, our own conversations are much more diverse than that of the Friends™ - incorporating holidays, our homes and other subjects that would translate less well to a sit-com script (such as politics). One Real Live Friend confirms his expected position of “Joey No. 1” by revealing that his flatmates were planning on getting a cleaner for their shared house, but he offered to do it for £30 a month so he could get Sky TV.

Despite my earlier assertion that our lives would seem mundane in comparison to Friends™ I'm relieved to see a scene of the Friends™ putting together furniture. This willingness to show the mundane alongside the other major life moments of the episode highlights another great strength of the show. It also puts less pressure on me to live up to their sitcom lifestyle...

As I watch I find myself asking the question of “do we look the same age as them?”

Although they look young in comparison to how they look now, it seems strange that I have finally caught up to these familiar faces in age. They still seem older than we are.

After a quick wiki search on my phone (a luxury never afforded to the Friends™) I am relieved to discover that they were mostly a year or so older than their characters age.
I’m very surprised to find that Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox were both already thirty when the show started! I can only hope me and my friends look as good as them in four years time...

The episode ends with a touching scene between Ross and Rachel. As well as introducing this important long term story-line this scene shows the heart that made the characters so beloved was there right from the start.

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

The honour of being Ross Number 1 goes to my only married friend. Being married and an academic already made him a prime candidate for Ross (although so far as I’m aware his wife has no lesbian tendencies...) and he confirmed it by living out what could have easily been a Ross storyline this week:

EDIT: Unfortunately he's taken umbrage to his story being published despite it containing nothing incriminating at all and being completely anonymous. In the days before the internet, Crane and Kauffman would never have had to deal with such censorship as this...