Much like Carol, I’ve spent my day attempting to get a thing which is just that little bit too big through a small space. Although I recognise that doing DIY is probably slightly easier than giving birth.

At least giving birth is a bit more worthwhile. All this work seems a bit pointless given our tenancy runs out next year. Honestly, you put in all this work and then 9 months later you have to move out.

Not even a baby to show for it.

“The One Where Things Are Back to Normal… Mostly”

I’m hoping all the banging is annoying our neighbours. They’ve been on holiday and left an alarm ringing for a whole week! I’ve never been so close to breaking into someone’s house.

With summer in full swing they’re not the only ones off on holiday. The Friends™ theme tune excellently captures the problems facing 20-somethings - “your job’s a joke, you're broke, your love lives D.O.A.” – perfectly distilling the themes of Friends™ into one and a half minutes, but several of my Real Live Friends are doing much better than the Friends™.

Just to bring things full circle at the end of Season 1, the Real Live Friends who got promoted in episode one have been promoted again as their career ladders seem to have bizarrely synced up. And Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2 (who lets face it is probably now the main Chandler) have been jet setting off on all kinds of weekend breaks.

But all this hard work can make it hard to meet new people and both Real Live Joey and Real Live Chandler are some of my only Real Live Friends remaining single into their late 20s. It’s a bit of a cliché, but most of them are those in high flying careers. It does seem there’s still something in this episode’s observation of how hard doctors find it to find relationships outside of work. Even the most recent of my Doctor Real Live Friends to get into a relationship is with a nurse.

This episode is almost exclusively set in hospital as Ross’s son is finally born. And I for one am looking forward to seeing how Ben contributes to the show. I mean, it’s not like they’d just gradually forget him is it?

But also there’s a surprising amount of focus on Joey’s worries about fatherhood, as he becomes a surrogate birthing partner to one attractive young mother. This mirrors my own Real Live Friends unexpected positions of responsibility. Joey here is a much more well-rounded character than later in the series – as this plot carries forward his concerns about becoming his father.

And speaking of the future [SPOILER ALERT] this episode has a couple of cute moments (with hindsight) between Chandler and Monica. Including Chandler attempting to make a “let’s get together and have a kid when we’re forty” pact with her.

I’ve lost track of all the marriage pacts I made in high school. (Which is probably for the best, given how tricky negotiating that minefield might have been.) However I remember making a “let’s get married when we’re forty” pact several years ago too. I ended up wishing I’d suggested thirty instead, after I remained single for several years and realised I really liked the other person.

Thankfully I don’t have any need for it now. And in any case am not sure they’re legally binding…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As with Ross and Carol disappearing during the birth, I’ve had my own case of a mysterious disappearance.

I went round my parents only to find my mother had gone away. No word of where. I asked my father and he simply said she’d gone away for the week but wouldn’t tell him where. Sick with worry, given her recent trauma over losing our dog, I ended up frantically ringing my sisters to find out if they knew where she was. It turned out she’d just gone for a holiday in the Lake District.

I’m still not sure whether my dad was playing a trick on me or genuinely didn’t know.

Hrrm... I didn’t really think about this when I started.

How do I deal with two-part episodes? Do I watch them in one go and do a bumper blog? Or try and mirror their format with my own two-parter? Will it be weird my life jumping ahead two weeks if the next episode follows on immediately? Does anyone even care?

I don’t think any of us wants an extra long entry (oo-err) so perhaps I will keep the episodes split and see what happens.

But how do I incorporate a cliff-hanger into the blog? This episode not only ends with multiple threads unresolved but a very literal cliff-hanger as Rachel is left dangling from the side of her building - with nothing but Christmas tree decorations stopping her fall.

And all because “SOMEONE was supposed to take down the Christmas decorations around New Years!” but didn’t...

I had a good chuckle at this as our kitchen was cluttered with boxes of decorations for several months after Christmas. Despite repeatedly asking my partner to take them on the fifteen minute journey back to her mother’s garage.

Anyway, a two-part episode leaves a lot more space for multiple plot-lines so there’s a lot to get through. Here’s a few of the things we don’t really have time to talk through in more detail:

1. They’ve updated the credits. Quite a common occurrence midway through a season. By this point they’ve finished shooting a lot more footage so have extra stuff to run with.
2. Helen Hunt’s appearance garners another sitcom entry applause in the second of two crossovers with fellow New York sitcom Mad About You™ - where Phoebe’s sister Ursula originated. (The first crossover was earlier this season when the Friends™ experienced a blackout created by Helen Hunt in her show)
3. After her confusing exchange with Helen Hunt, Phoebe goes and sits next to a completely random guy in the coffee shop. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be a friend of hers? It seemed like he wasn’t, but this is completely alien to me. As a Londoner I can’t think of anything more awkward than going and sitting next to someone I don’t know in a coffee shop.
4. The African-American character count goes up by one for the first time in several episodes at Carol’s maternity class. Although I haven’t been keeping a specific count, already at this early point, the under representation of black characters (for which Friends™ has received much criticism) is readily apparent.
5. The return of Mr Heckles!

 “The One Where I Try and Have a Cliffhanger”

Chandler’s string of luck with unrealistically attractive women continues as he embarks on an office place romance. Having never been single and employed at the same time I’ve never had the opportunity for one. Mind you, if I worked in a place that used acroynyms like WENUS and ANUS I’d probably be pretty tempted too. Imagine the sexual tension!

I doubt I’d enmesh myself in a complicated web of lies though, as Chandler does when he can’t bring himself to fire his new squeeze. It seems promotions can have their downsides. With great office space comes great responsibility.

Inevitably Chandler loses control of the situation – failing to maintain his new relationship by blurting “will you marry me?” as a last ditch attempt to cover his lies. At least we now know where Maeby from Arrested Development™ got that quirk from.

Elsewhere Phoebe gets a welcome bit of character development as we're introduced to her previously mentioned twin. I only know one twin: the partner of my best Real Live Friend (of trouser biting dog fame). Next time I see her I’ll be sure to ask how her experience compares to that of Phoebe. There wont be any similar issues to Joey dating Ursula in my life though as her sister is already in a committed relationship.

But it really is tragic hearing more of Phoebe’s past. Her back-story is unusually dark as this fan theory explores. I believe it was already mentioned (via song) that her mother killed herself but I was still surprised when it popped up again.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
*laughter*
Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Ah, bath salts... the eternal gift. Whether covering for a forgotten anniversary or erasing the memory of a dead parent, is there nothing they can’t do?

I also noticed that Phoebe is wearing what, I’m reliably informed, is called a “choker”. Funnily enough the six year old little terror on my Ireland trip was also wearing one. The 90s fashion renaissance really is in full swing!

Speaking of fashion, I just noticed how stylish Susan always is. I’m not sure I can even blame Carol for leaving Ross at this point. The trio head over to their maternity class with first Carol and then Ross freaking out over the dawning reality of their incumbent parenthood. And I can understand Ross’s position, if he can’t control Marcel how can he be a father? By the same token, what kind of father will I be when I can’t even remember to get cat-food in our weekly shop?

I realise it probably seems silly the amount of time I’m spending talking about children when it’s still several years off for me. It certainly feels silly the amount of time I spend thinking about it – when it’s so irrelevant to my current life. But this is one of the major differences between Friends™ and my own life. Although my Real Live Friends are largely in relationships they all seem less serious somehow than the ones in Friends™. Only one of my Real Live Friends is married with another wedding scheduled next year. Children still seem far off.

But people all move at different speeds and this is why it’s weighing so heavily on my thoughts. I’ve been informed that next year’s wedding couple are keen to pop as soon as they drop (so to speak).

Most surprisingly two of my closest male Real Live Friends have recently ended up as surrogate fathers through their new relationships. The immediacy and shock of this, they’re both the last people I would have expected to end up with such responsibility at this age, has brought my apprehensions of my own future to the fore.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Despite me complaining last time about the lack of realism in the Friends™ visiting each other at work my Rachel Number 1 actually came to visit me at work this week!

We had an excellent catch-up conversation. Among other things her parents have thrown caution to the wind and gotten married after 37 years! She said it was great fun as the family laughed together at the registry office. But was less enthused when her father informed her a week later that the marriage had yet to be consummated.

I hadn’t quite realised how much I’d missed her until the conversation got a little deeper and we both shared our frustrations at how sick we are of the amount of time we spend thinking about things that don’t interest us – children, traffic, house prices. Being an adult sucks.

I really needed it if I’m honest. I’ve been feeling down in the dumps lately. I’ve been drinking again. Getting back from holiday and our flat being a mess, starting work again and feeling useless, not being able to afford anything, it’s really got me down.

“And to top it all off”, as I told Rachel Number 1, “my attractive young co-worker has just told me she’s got the hots for me.”

Silence fell, Ross’s words ringing in my ears:

 “You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.”

“Sorry I can’t watch your dance, there’s slug slime all over the chopping board.”

And with one sentence I bring my partner back to the humdrum reality of everyday life...

We’ve had a simply dreadful fortnight. We’ve just got back from seeing her relatives in Ireland, and before that I went skiing with my dad and sisters. Awful.

Still it’s nice to be back among the damp, burnt lampshades and constantly mewling cats. Did I mention the lampshade? No I didn’t? Well, just before we went away, my partner called to report a burning smell in our flat. After much searching we finally discovered our lovely “make your own pattern” lampshade had fallen on to the light bulb. Where it was steadily melting above our bed.

Half way through the first season and I already could have been killed in my sleep twice!!

“The One Where I Use Up All My Remaining Annual Leave”

First, some things I noticed about the episode that don’t relate to my life:

1. “And a hot cider for Monica” – I... what? No. That’s a thing? Jeez... Just no Monica.
2. Ross dating a woman dressed as Han Solo – I can't relate to this at all as my partner never wears waistcoats. Although my ex-girlfriend and I did once go to a party dressed as Han and Leia. My buns looked great.
3. Ross can’t talk dirty and only ended up cuddling – Unlike Ross I’m all talk in the bedroom, slamming out smut and filth with reckless abandon.
   (Incidentally this also means the “Ross Sexual Partner Count” is still only at 1).
4. The masterful slow comic timing in the sex talk practise scene, eking out every laugh to build the audience to applause – I have a terrible sense of timing, particularly where sex is concerned. As I said, I’m all talk.

Speaking of bedroom talk, my partner regularly talks in her sleep. So I was particularly looking forward to enjoying a whole week of unbroken sleep on my ski holiday. No sleep-talking, duvet-stealing or door-banging cats. (My partner is the one stealing the duvet, not the cats).

But imagine my horror at discovering, upon our arrival at the hotel, that I would be sharing a room with my father! He could snore in the Olympics. Though I doubt he’d win a medal. As there isn’t one. It'd just be a large antipodean asleep in the stands, loudly putting off the athletes. But it was pretty horrific, and that’s before you consider the nightmares caused by his lack of compunction over walking around naked! Cats come back all is forgiven...

Aside from the room it was a fantastic holiday and a real chance for me to catch up with my family. This included finding out that my sister has been trying for a child ever since her wedding! No one tells me anything...

I also found out my dad’s got pretty heavily into a vitamin addiction. Within the first few hours our hotel room had enough pills lying around to make Bez envious.

There was quite a strange crossover with this weeks episode too as we had an abundance of amuse-bouches on our holiday. The influence of Friends™ on my family is clear as we immediately started quoting Chandlers “well, it IS amusing...” once we were handed them, and weirdly this was before I’d even watched the episode. What are the chances? About the same as the chances of me and Joey enjoying “whipped fish”.

My sister is yet to be blessed with child but I got a chance to flex my “uncle muscles” with my partner’s relatives in Ireland.

I say uncle, actually the little terrors were my partner’s mother’s cousin’s children. I’m not sure what that makes me, but everyone said I was good with them at least... I didn’t really know what I was doing, I just tried to keep a sense of fun and act how my own older cousins acted when I was a child. I think I got away with it. With so many new relatives around it felt like I was being auditioned for my prospective fatherhood skills (or lack thereof) but they were generous, pleasant and lovely, so the holiday was too!

Weirdly, I think my abiding memory will be us all crammed around a tiny table in a cafe. The Irish certainly don’t skimp on food (despite certain historical tragedies...) so I could only laugh when the waitress brought out our food on giant plates and they had to be pieced together on the table like a jigsaw puzzle to fit.

Anyway, it’s all back to work now and this week Chandler has the opposite experience when he quits his job.

Much like Chandler I’ve been stuck in what was initially supposed to be a “temp job” for several years. Real Live Friends hasn’t quite taken over my life enough for me to follow his lead and quit so I'll be stuck there a while longer. On the plus side my wish of being a Chandler has been granted as I'm now Chandler Number 3!

But, if truth be told, I have been umming and ahhing over leaving for a while myself; largely as getting a promotion in real life isn’t quite as simple as quitting and waiting for my boss to ring - with an offer of a shiny new office, shiny new pay rise, and a shiny new assistant. I wouldn’t mind if my Real Live Friends visited me at work every now and then; as Phoebe does when she goes to see Chandler’s new office. Once again perhaps Friends™ has just given me unrealistic expectations of the amount of free time working adults have.

Shouldn’t Phoebe be massaging people rather than swanning about in Chandler’s office?

My doldrums at returning to work have been further exacerbated by finding out how little effect my absence has had. Apparently things have been ticking over fine without my presence; apart from a minor build up of paperwork that no-one else seems concerned with (my own personal Wenus...).

It’s nice to feel needed. I imagine.

One man who certainly doesn’t need to imagine being appreciated is Jon Lovitz, who becomes the first Friends™ guest star to live the “audience applauding guest star entrance” sitcom cliché. He proves more than worth it with his great turn as a stoned restaurateur and it’s no surprise the character is brought back later. Although some surprise that it isn’t till the 9th season! I’m gona have to wait 9 whole years??

I need to sit down. The enormity of this project suddenly hit me...

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We have a volunteer at my work, who I suppose is the closest thing I have to an assistant.

The other day I was telling her about Ross Number 1’s stag weekend: we all remembered how in school we used to rip the pockets off of peoples badly made shirts when I drunkenly tried to do the same to Ross’s shirt. Needless to say he wasn’t too happy about having to spend the rest of the weekend with the front of his shirt held together with a safety pin.

“My Assistant” wasn’t happy either when, after hearing the story, she tugged at her pocket to test the strength of the stitches only to accidentally tear a hole in her own shirt!

Oh NO. Not this again. A Valentine’s Day episode?!

I thought we’d already been through this...

“The One Where I Try Not to Talk About Valentine’s Day, Again.”

Hey, look who’s back… heeeeeeeeere’s Janice!

But the awkwardness doesn’t last long as Joey foolishly abandons them with his credit-card and it’s Chandler’s turn to embrace his inner dick.

He splashes out on some Champagne for him and Janice and a Rob Roy (a twist on a Manhatten  - appropriately enough - made with Scotch instead of Bourbon) with predictable consequences. This leads to a neat reversal of the walk of shame trope, as Chandler struggles to get Janice out unseen the morning after.

As I touched upon last time, many people my age seem to have a more mature, less judgmental approach to this sort of free “cross-pollination”, falling back on old flames etc. We’re less cool with the concept of marriage though, if my horror at realising this week that several of my past flings are now either married or engaged is anything to go by.

I’m reasonably sure I had similar experiences of this “reverse walk of shame” at university. Although I was likely too hung-over the morning after to care as much as Chandler.

It’s true I have hurt people in the past, and been hurt (regrettably more the former).

However, I’ve never gone to the lengths the girls go to in this episode to get over their exes - as they burn their old mementos. A lot of the hurt I’ve felt has come from struggling to let go of things that never went as far as I would have liked. I don’t particularly regret any past escapades (beyond those where I hurt someone else) so the idea of getting rid of something that represents a past memory seems alien to me. Even if it’s a memory that has now become a sad one.

Not getting rid of old memories can have its downsides though as I discovered early in my current relationship. My partner found a picture of my ex languishing in my bed side table where I’d simply forgotten about it, and she read a lot more into it than there was – not helped by the bedside table also being where I kept my condoms.

Despite hurting and being hurt, I’ve never been close to the level of hurt Ross has. This episode has the first real hint of the actual sadness behind his situation, as (like me and Chandler) he also has to deal with an unexpected appearance of an ex.

The scene includes some comical moments; such as Ross only managing to remember that his new flame works in a field that “WASN’T EVEN THEIR MAJOR”, as well as an actually quite impressive bit where he catches some food in his mouth. But it ends with a surprisingly sad exchange between Ross and his lesbian ex-wife Carol. This brings some much needed pathos to their relationship, as well as helping the viewer root for Ross in his pursuit of Rachel in episodes to come.

I had a similar exchange with my father this week. (In the way it went from light-hearted to serious – I didn’t drunkenly ask if we could get back together even though he was a lesbian).

On return from his holiday he asked to meet with me at his sports club. Naturally, I agreed even though I had some concerns that it was all part of some scheme to obtain some forbidden technological knowledge from me. But as it got closer I started to worry something was wrong. He’d never asked to see him like this before. Had one of the relative’s he’d seen on holiday passed away? Were he and my mother finally breaking up? Or could it be the long expected shock cancer diagnosis?

It turned out it was none of those things, but more a general sort of catch-up of the way my life was going. So I told him of my plans for the next couple of years, we spoke about the rest of our family, and I also took the opportunity to ask him about how he feels his life has been.

Much like me he said he doesn’t see the point in holding any regrets. He’s also a lot less preoccupied with wondering how things might have been different but for a few small changes. And I agree with him! There’s no point concerning yourself with worries over things you can do nothing about. I’ve been much more like him in recent years on these points.

One point we differ on however, which I discovered at our meeting, is that he never wanted kids.

I can imagine this might seem a little like a sucker-punch. But it doesn’t really bother me. Seriously, my dad has always been an excellent father, providing us with all the support we need and being a strong role model in many ways. Although occasionally distant he has given us everything we’ve ever wanted. Any surprise I feel is more just a result of it being different from my own position.

I’ve always imagined I would one day have children. Which makes a lot of sense when you consider my two biggest role models at the time were parents. Mum and Darth Vader.

An inordinate amount of time in my childhood was spent imagining my own adulthood, and a large part of this was seeing myself as a parent. Thinking about what I would do the same as my parents and what I would do different. (Although I now suspect I may not end up being as different as my 8 year old self may have planned).

Where the actual sadness of our conversation came from (yes there’s more) was in another revelation. My dad highlighted the difference in his more hands-off approach from that of my mother. He then proceeded to tell me that he would of course always be there for us, but advice would only be offered when asked and that as far as he was concerned we were adults free to do whatever we wanted with our lives. Which of course I already knew, but what I didn’t know was that he apparently made this decision consciously several years ago after his attempts to talk to us one on one about things in our lives were continually interrupted by our mother appearing and contradicting him.

As well as making me sad at the lost potential of my relationship with my father (see I do still worry about how things could have been different) this has also made me more concerned for my own future as a parent.

Just like Ross, I’ve worried about not being as close to my future children as I’d like. I'm well aware of how work commitments and the ease with which fathers fall into a secondary position of authority over their children can impact upon their relationship. Finding my own father had this exact experience has not put me at ease. As silly as it might sound, I’ve already suffered from not being able to spend as much time with my cats when they were young as I would have liked. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would feel if I couldn’t be fully involved with my own children.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

There are two RLSM this week, as the first one is so close to Friends™ that I’m pretty sure I imagined it.

We went trampolining this week for Chandler Number 2’s birthday. It was incredible. But not as incredible as finding out her boss recently said to her that she’s got a lot going for her in her career as she could always “play the gay card.” I didn’t mention it in the blog at the time, but this is LITERALLY THE EXACT B-PLOT OF EPISODE 8. Even down to it being the right character. Incredible!

Our second shout-out goes to Joey Number 1 who disappeared without warning during a recent trip to a museum. Despite him assuring us via Facebook™ he would meet us in the pub after, eventually we all had to give up waiting for him as it was time to go our separate ways. We then, of course, ran into him on our way back to the station, perfectly happy at his afternoon listening to music and looking round a museum without us.

OK, you’ve got me...

I’ve been putting off writing this one. Not because of anything tragic happening.

Nothing of interest has happened at all this month! Even the much touted ‘Friends™ Reunion’ was a damp squib. Although it was nice seeing the picture of them all together again! (Wasn’t it weird though how much Matthew Perry now looks like the cast of The Big Bang Theory?).

Anyway, I shall do my best to rescue this entry. Like Chandler dropping to the floor in surprise at finding Ross and Joey right outside his door, I shall emerge victorious clutching today’s paper like it was all intentional.

“The One Where I Don’t Get Ill Enough”

First up, more evidence of the strong support the studio gave Friends™ early on with a Jay Leno cameo. Who’s that he’s interviewing? Chandlers mum?!

Maybe it’s because I’ve just seen a picture of the cast as they are now, but I really didn’t think she looked old enough to be Chandlers mum.

At first I thought it was a sad reflection of the TV industries unwillingness to cast older women... But I looked it up and the actress who played her was actually 45 so it’s completely within the realms of possibility. Looking good Mrs B! I suppose her attractiveness is, slightly, the point as Ross succumbs to drunken temptation and breaks the “bro code”. Hands up who else completely forgot that Ross once kissed Chandlers mum?!

Maybe I find it unusual because it's so different to my own situation. (I’m talking about the age range here, not the getting off with friends parents – although I haven’t done that either. Yet.) The other day we had a big dinner for my mother’s 62nd birthday. I find it interesting there's such a huge range in the age difference between parents and kids. My partner’s parents are only around fifty, whereas Rachel Number 1s dad is 70!

This factors into me and my partners VERY HYPOTHETICAL discussions about children.

Is it better to get the most out of your freedom in your youth and then settle? (As my parents did) Or have children younger and then enjoy a ‘Gilmore Girls’ lifestyle where you and your children are the best of buds? I’ve always leant to the former but must say getting drunk with my partners parents is often more entertaining than the slightly terse dinners with my own family. But perhaps that’s more a result of my family’s dysfunctions...

Either way, for now at least, I am content to avoid any extra responsibility for as long as I can.

I’m happy to say I’ve managed to maintain my non-drinking this month! All temptations have only served to reinforce my desire to not drink. The tequila shots Chandlers mum served in this episode looked far too good for me to trust myself with a drink.

I only hope everyone cutting back on drinking for January is not connected to the uneventfulness of this month....

I suspect a lot of the quietness is a side effect of the return to work. The B-Plot of this episode, with a caricatured Monica and Phoebe doting on a guy in a coma, illustrates the strange phenomenon of sitcom characters always having more free time than real people with jobs.

That’s not say it’s been all work this month as both me and my partner have been off sick at different points.

She really wasn’t happy about it. Especially when I told her I was jealous of her chest infection. I’d happily cough up blood for a bit if I could get a week off work... I was so excited at the notion of a few days off when I woke with a stomach bug!

Waking up fine the next day was a huge disappointment to rival Ross’s disappointment that Rachel is still with Paulo. But, as in the surprisingly Meta commentary of Mrs Bing on Paulo’s status as a supporting character, perhaps, as the main character of this project there’s hope for me yet...

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The struggle to find something eventful continues...

The best I’ve got is getting my first flat tyre. A subplot hardly even worth a Two and a Half Men episode.

It did provide some amusement as I called my partners father in a panic thinking I didn’t have a jack. (Calling him over my own father wasn’t the result of any sort of preference or age discrimination, he's a mechanic).

My panic turned to embarrassment, however, when - after he rushed to my aid - we discovered I already had everything underneath my spare tyre.

And so it’s back to work.

This already upsetting time – of immediately failing to do all those new resolutions - has hit me harder than usual.

On my first day back I found out the work cat was struck down by a car over the holidays. I will miss him massively (not least because he was my one source of warmth in our freezing office). He was immensely superior to our cats as he never woke me up by banging on the cupboard for no reason, and I didn’t have to deal with his poop!

His absence has already been felt hard, after a pigeon managed to find its way into our office. At this rate it'll soon feel like I’m working in Trafalgar Square.

“The One With An Unexplained Abundance of Cream”

This week’s episode the Friends™ plan their New Year and Ross judges people for having flatmates. (It also introduces the extremely cute monkey: Marcel).

I found this doubly amusing as my partner feeling too “grown-up” for a shared house is the reason for our current abysmal living standards. (Along with a succession of governments failing to build affordable housing).

We got to see how fantastic living in a shared house could be over New Years as we booked a holiday home with several Real Live Friends. These included my Rachel No. 1 and Ross No. 2/Chandler No. 1, as well as my very own David the Science Guy (handily introduced this week and played brilliantly by Simpsons™ stalwart Hank Azaria).

My David the Science Guy is a Real Live Friend I had a very particular “Bromance” with at university.

You know... the type of close male friendship where you jokingly flirt with each because there is no one else. We’ve both got girlfriends now so we’ve drifted apart slightly. This has not been helped by him working abroad in recent years (much like David having to leave for Minsk). He’s back now however, and firmly re-entrenched in our friend group after our fantastic New Years. I hope I'll be seeing him a lot more again!

Much like Chandler’s struggle to find someone to kiss at New Years (with all the other Friends™ bringing dates) only one of our remaining single Real Live Friends came along to New Years. So she gains the "honour" of being Chandler Number 2.

Her continued singlehood remains a mystery as she's both an excellent human and fabulous person to get drunk with. I was delighted when my partner experienced the latter for the first time. They both stayed up late one night “putting the world to rights”. I was less delighted when my severely confused and inebriated partner woke me up attempting to find our bed in the darkness.

Along with the second appearance of Janice (still no “Oh My God!”) this episode includes a joke about naming breasts.

We had an experience of a different sort of breast during our holiday. Upon arrival our landlady told us she would bring over some recently shot pheasants at some point. Being city folk, we laughed off her statement and were shocked the following evening when she showed up brandishing seven dead pheasants at our window - with an expression of manic glee.

After much deliberation, soul-searching, and YouTube™ surfing, we decided the best course of action was to attempt to butcher them ourselves. I’m a devoted meat eater but I struggled with the concept slightly. Seeing the un-plucked birds I realised how difficult I would find it to kill a living creature myself. Questions swarmed round my head over whether I had the right to eat meat, if I couldn’t do the deed myself, as I squeamishly watched my friends butchering the pheasants before me.

Ultimately though (with apologies to my vegetarian partner) I decided my only option was to have a go at breasting one of the birds myself. It was a very strange experience. The instant I touched the (still-warm) pheasant I felt my relationship to it change as it ceased to be a poor dead animal in front of me and became just another piece of meat that I was going to eat.

This change carried over into my next sighting of a pheasant (this time alive) when we walked down the road. Where previously thoughts of “what a beautiful bird” would have existed, now they were “I bet that tastes great, I want to eat it.”

If I'm honest, I enjoyed butchering the pheasant (but not as much as I enjoyed eating it). But I found the ease with which I slipped into the role slightly unnerving. Ultimately I'm left with the question of whether it's possible to both see an animal as a piece of meat and respect it as a beautiful living creature at the same time. I expect I'll be wrestling with this notion for some time.

Though my experience with the pheasants was not quite enough to spur me into giving up meat,I’ve decided the time is ripe for another of my month long breaks from alcohol.

It’s not quite a resolution per se (more like guidelines…). I’ve reached a nice balance now where I don’t drink as heavily as I used to, but it’s still more regularly than I would like and I’m sick of being confused all the time. I found it difficult to remember embarrassingly small figures back at work this week, largely, I suspect, as a result of drinking everyday on our holiday. If I needed any extra convincing it came on the way to work yesterday. I went to buy some milk and found myself looking at the alcohol aisle with a sense of longing.

I think it’s definitely time for a detox.

One drink in particular sticks in my mind from our holiday. The “official” ale of the Cerne Abbas giant. For those who don’t know, the Cerne Abbas giant is a spectacular giant (with an even more spectacular “member”) carved out of chalk on the side of a hill. I was disappointed to learn it may not be as ancient as people commonly think but it was still great to see such a famous and enigmatic part of our history.

Less great was our very muddy attempt to circumnavigate the hill as I managed to make it all the way round without losing my footing only to fall on my arse fifty metres from the car park.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I will name the organiser of our trip Monica Number 2 for his meticulous eye for detail. This ensured a trip, which could have fallen at many hurdles, went ahead without a hitch.

He also unwittingly provided a strong sitcom style joke. As I was attempting to coral him into singing Karaoke on New Years Eve he tried to get out of it with the statement “I only do Karaoke once a year and I’ve already done it this year”.

So as the clock struck 12 and ushered in the new year, I asked again "Monica, care to get in this years Karaoke early?"

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

I am of course talking about the release of the new Star Wars film. (Four stars)

Star Wars is a huge deal for me and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve seen it twice already. Only one and a half seasons of Friends™ till the next one! I can’t wait.

I’ve been told there’s another big thing going on at the moment... Winterval? Saturnalia? Something like that. I’ve found it hard to get excited this year. Largely because I find it hard to get excited about anything when people constantly ask me if I’m excited about it yet.

Completely ruins the momentum.

Anyway, as we all know, in America they celebrate Thanksgiving instead of Christmas so it’s time for the first Friends™ Thanksgiving episode!

“The One Where I Don’t Celebrate Thanksgiving”

Well, I suppose I can get in the spirit a little...

I’m thankful for:

1. Joey unwittingly becoming the face of VD
2. Chandler’s sweet ass tweed jacket (I’m quite the connoisseur myself)
3. My wonderful girlfriend, who has so far very graciously put up with me talking about her in the blog.

We ended up settling on Christmas Eve with my family, Boxing Day with hers and going our separate ways on the day itself (as she didn’t want to miss her Nieces first Christmas). My point that the baby won’t even know it’s Christmas (akin to Ross’s doubt over whether the baby in his wife’s stomach could hear him, let alone understand) was sadly ignored.

But I’m happy I managed to fit everyone in, even if it means I haven’t achieved anything over the festive period.

Part of the goal of this project is to ensure I don’t lose contact with Real Live Family and Friends so it’s good it seems to be working so far! I even joined my family on their annual trip to the pub with their dog-walker friends. Normally I would have stayed at home for a little peace and quiet away from all the barking and bladder problems. (And that's just my parents...)

As Chandler says, it doesn’t really feel like the festive season until there are arguments so it was nice being home. And everything was relatively civil this year too. (In the same way as the English War of 1624 -1651). Maybe this is why I'm enjoying Susan’s antagonism towards Ross so much. I must recognise the friendly hostility of someone rubbing you up the wrong way who you can’t escape due to circumstance.

But I am thankful that I could spend Christmas with my family. It was put in perspective by Rachel not getting an advance from work to spend Thanksgiving with her family. My heart goes out to all in a similar predicament at this time of year!

There's something very special about the relationship of a child to their parents cooking. Of all the fancy meals I’ve had I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed one as much as something cooked by my parents. Like a sort of dietary Stockholm Syndrome.

Both of their roasts are exquisite (although if ever the two were combined I think we’d discover a new reaction to rival Nuclear fission) and it was my dad’s turn this year. He didn’t disappoint! Least of all because (much like the Friends™) he didn’t get his head stuck in the Turkey. There’s always next year...

Speaking of the difficulty of people fitting inside things (steady) one of the principle problems this year was getting everyone in the same room at the same time to do presents. No sooner had my father taken a break from cooking than my sister would disappear to buy some cigarettes. At least we didn’t all get locked out like the Friends™!

Our flat has had several “almost setting things on fire” incidents since we moved in. Notably after an oven glove was left on a burning hob. And when my attempts to host my first BBQ ended prematurely as the result of a leaky gas pipe. And when we smelt burning plastic only to discover that the cupboard underneath the hobs was maybe not the best place to store all of our plastic bags.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s difficult to choose this week. Between my chaotic family roast, my partners Nan coming up with the rudest answers during board games, and my friend almost setting himself on fire at a gig on Christmas Eve.

But I think I have to go with the moment we arrived at the pub on Christmas Day - only to find the man behind the bar inexplicably dressed as Darth Vader.

Following last week’s heated discussion my partner and I have reached an uneasy truce.

She, mostly, cleans the litter tray and in exchange I try not to complain about the amount of food in the sink and deal with the resulting slugs. But my cat troubles continue: only this morning he smashed his food bowl, a while ago he jumped up and scratched my penis, and worst of all a few days ago he broke my phone!

As a result my notes on this week’s episode are currently lost to me, so I'll be attempting to complete this using a mixture of my memory and Wikipedia™.

“The One Where I Try and Remember Things”

I have a terrible memory. Last week I rather flippantly mentioned my “budding dependence on alcohol and kebabs.” But the truth is I’ve had a complicated relationship with alcohol since I went to university. (Not so with kebabs where it’s a very simple relationship along the lines of: “I want you, I’ve eaten you. Yum.”)

I’ve never been a full on alcoholic but, as with many students, I found myself drinking regularly (and increasingly heavily) during my studies. This was not helped by taking five years to graduate, and I developed a love/hate relationship with drink once I realised over four years I hadn’t had more than three days sober in a row - and that this probably wasn’t a good idea.

I’ve had several attempts to deal with this in recent years – usually taking the form of stopping for a month to see if I can, achieving my goal (mostly) and then returning to drinking after being relieved I’m not actually addicted. Which is fine, until I reach the point of drinking almost every day again and then it starts over.

As you would expect, I’ve had noticeable deterioration in my health and memory as a result, and was heavily contemplating stopping completely from the age of 25 – 35. Until I decided to watch all of Friends™ during that time instead.

This week the Friends™ discuss the weirdest place they’ve had sex. Fortunately I can’t recall my own so I won’t be sharing. Not having a great memory can have its upsides.!

But, speaking of getting naked, there's another Ugly Naked Guy joke this episode: when they see him lighting candles in his apartment. Aside from this amusing me, as it foreshadows Rachel doing the same many years later, it also made me happy because it reminded me we’ve got our own Ugly Naked Guy now!

I swear I’m not making this up.

My partner’s mother was round and our door was open to let the cats come and go. The back of our house looks onto another building and suddenly a naked man appeared in one of the windows! Is he reading the blog and playing a trick on me? Only time will tell...

The line between reality and Friends™ was further blurred, when we played a phone app game this week. You put a phone on your head and it goes through categories. Everyone has to describe them and the person with the phone has to guess what they are. Suffice to say, when we played the Friends™ category, me and my partner were too busy laughing at “Gum would be PERFECTION” from this episode coming up that we couldn’t continue...

As with George Stephanopolous I'm surprised to find the target of Chandler’s gum related affections (Jill Goldacre) was actually a real person! The preponderance of cameos in Friends™ is well known but I’m surprised to see they had them so early on. Maybe she knew someone at the studio?

Our confusing coincidences continue as Ross’s attempts to ask out Rachel are thwarted by an attack from a cat. It’s good to know I’m not the only one with animal trouble. On top of the cats we just visited my best Real Live Friend who's got a very cute puppy; who's yet to understand that people don’t want their trouser legs bitten.

It was good fun seeing him (as it always is). Much like Joey and Chandler we have a very special bromance where we’re able to understand one another even when talking in a way that no-one else can understand. This proved a huge annoyance for our teachers in school and also for our partners during the visit as they struggled to get a word in.

Real Life Sitcom Moment:

During Rachel’s and Phoebe’s quest to return the lost cat they encounter a new recurring guest character – Mr Heckles. This week’s Real Live Sitcom Moment comes courtesy of another grumpy old man: my father.

He’s been digitising his old CDs recently (which naturally has required a bit of help from his more technologically savvy son). He invited me round for the dinner the other day, and it turned out it only because he needed me to answer a question about the computer. He also accused me of stealing CDs – despite them being by artists I have no interest in.

We both like music, and share a love of certain bands (such as Pink Floyd), but the generation gap can make talking about it difficult, as can our faltering memories. Our conversation over dinner stuttered to a halt once he failed to remember the new singer who reminds him of Syd Barrett, and I’d assured him I do in fact know who Creedence Clearwater Revival are. Despite remembering none of their songs.

We’re not particularly good at communicating with each other in general but I think we’re both keenly aware we need to put in more effort. (Although he puts up a good front in this area - I’m still waiting for him to let me know when he’s free for a game of tennis.)

He rarely opens up or reveals much about himself but, as he was speaking about his music collection, and I was looking in his eyes (the same eyes I saw in myself last week) there was a magical moment, as the walls fell away and he revealed he's greatly been enjoying how the music has been bringing back long-forgotten memories to him.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes!”

“Err what?” I replied, incredulously.

“You’re just reviewing the episodes and putting a few jokes in” my girlfriend continued. “There’s none of you in it.”

“What about the Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week?”

“Oh yerh, it’s really fascinating reading a half baked anecdote about how nothing really happened but would have if real life was more like Friends™”

“Well that’s sort of the point…” I said defensively.

“In the first one you couldn’t even say what happened because your friend objected!”

“My Real Live Friend” I corrected “we’ve got to keep a consistent style here. Anyway that was beyond my control! And I can’t help that I’m terrible at anecdotes… in fact this one time I saw someone try to tell an anecdote and it trailed off and went nowhere.”

“Did you just try a joke out on me?”

“… err maybe.”

“See that’s exactly the problem. You’re using humour to deflect from actually putting any of yourself in the blog! And that’s what people want! Not just you talking about Friends™.”

“Using humour to deflect… oh my god just like Chandler!”

As she stormed out the room her words sank in more and I realised she had a point... So with that in mind:

“The One Where I Try to Get More Personal”

Because of my awkward shift patterns I sometimes end up with three days off in a row.

As much as the temptation is there to use these days productively they often result in three solid days of drinking with friends and/or family. Naturally, for someone my age, this tends to result in a period of sadness at the good times being over. As well as a prolonged hangover. And then I have to return to work. So it hasn’t been a great week for me.

Perhaps it’s the result of my heavy weekend, or because I’ve seen this episode so many times, but something felt oddly staged about it as I watched, curled up on the sofa in my wolf onesie. I can’t tell whether they were just overselling the jokes a little or, maybe, a sort of Friends™ fatigue has set in.

Nah. It’s probably just cause I'm completely zonked after going to a club night for the first time in years.

And I’m talking proper dancing till four in the morning then all back to our place for a cup of tea and a chat clubbing here.

But it hasn’t all been hedonism, sleeping on sofas and drunken discussions of bestiality since last week. (Incidentally, if anyone wants to know the logic behind why sex with dead animals is morally preferable to sex with live ones then feel free to email. I’m looking at you David Cameron!)

Before the weekend, my partner and I went to see Miss Saigon™ for her birthday.

After her criticism of me only reviewing things I won’t speak of it too much, but in a fun coincidence “The One with the Butt” also features a trip to the theatre. As someone who's been in plays I can relate to the Friends™ blunt appraisals of Joey’s star turn in a musical about Freud. Although in my own life I’ve found getting honest feedback can sometimes be like getting blood from a stone. Except of course, where my partner is concerned…

Speaking of partners, now he’s free from Janice, Chandler finds himself in a polyamorous relationship this episode.

Although I’ve had quite a few non-serious flings in the past I’ve never indulged in a polyamorous relationship. (Not for want of trying, mind). For those who don’t know: polyamory is where you believe that one person can be in love more than one person at the same time. Personally I prefer monopoly-amory, which is where everyone’s in love with one person. Me.

(Sorry… I had to cram in a joke somewhere.)

Monica’s cleanliness obsession appears for the first time this week. I used to be terminally filthy, with piles of dirty plates stacking up, overflowing ashtrays and smelly clothes filling my student houses, as I’m sure my old flatmates would attest. This wasn’t helped by us playing games such as “try and knock the cover off the fire alarm with your empty beer can” as well as my budding dependence on alcohol and kebabs.

However my aversion to washing up has led to me being obsessed with creating as little mess as possible. I have a serious lack of respect for anyone who eats a slice of toast using anything other than one knife as a result. JUST BALANCE IT ON THE MARGARINE POT, GOD.

This puts quite a strain on my relationship, as I'm loathe to clean up mess I did not create if it seems like an unreasonable amount. This issue is quadrupled by our cats who, aside from bringing in dead mice, regularly create what I would describe as “an unreasonable amount of mess” in their litter tray.

That I was misled to believe the cats would no longer need a litter tray once they started going outside is neither here nor there as I am continually branded a nag for complaining about the amount of mess on our kitchen tabletop. I wouldn’t mind if I felt it rang true. My main problem with the accusation is I used to hate being nagged by my mother.

Oh my god!!

“Ross: ‘Monica… you’re mom.’”

Well it looks like:
‘Ross… I’m Monica Number 1.’

Funnily enough, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we turn into our parents.

I was amazed (and terrified) when I looked in my rear view mirror, the other day, and saw my father’s eyes staring back at me. All it takes is a few years being ground down by work and exhaustion and the resemblance is suddenly there. But it’s not just in appearance. I’m constantly surprised in my grumpier moments to hear my father’s sarcastic voice coming out my mouth. Ironically this usually makes me more irritated; realising I’m trapped in an endless cycle of negative reinforcement.

I think it’s time to draw things to a close now (and we haven’t even talked about Al Pacino’s butt!). I was going to speak a little about my own experiences working as an extra for extra cash over the years but it looks like you’ll have to wait for that.

For the completists watching along with me there are two things to check out this episode:

1. First use of the Chandler emphasis “Could she BE more out of my league.”
2. Check out Joey’s shadow in the shower scene. It’s incredibly obvious that he’s wearing boxers! I mean why wouldn’t he at least have gone for briefs or pants?

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

My partner wasn’t the only one with a birthday this week as her nephew turned three.

Unfortunately right before he blew out his candles he asked where his grandmother’s recently deceased cat was. Having decided to raise him honestly his poor mother was left with no choice but to reply with “he’s gone”. The, newly grieving, child responded with the eternal question of “gone where?” only to discover the answer is “just gone”.

What a way to find out all life ends with death… as you blow out your birthday candles.

Seriously Rachel? You’ve never done laundry? NEVER?! You’re twenty three! Sort yourself out woman.

People often accuse my generation of being full of molly-coddled late bloomers but it looks like this trend started quite a while ago...

I found it surprising the Friends™ are already in their mid-20s by the start of the show. Now I can see why. Growing up with the show it always seemed like their lifestyles, troubles and the scrapes they got into were all the preserve of young adults on the cusp of responsibility. (At least for the first few series).

As a long term student (due to changing course) I’ve felt like I was lagging behind the expected point of my life for several years.

Unexpectedly, researching the ages of the Friends™ has reassured me that it’s not unusual, in our modern society, for people in their mid-20s to remain lost and directionless. And with large gaps in their knowledge. I suspect it’s not as usual for the gaps to increase as much as mine seem to, but overall it appears this project will be good for my mental health!

But still Rachel, your bloody laundry...

Perhaps I’m showing my privilege but I was also under the impression that laundromats aren't really that common anymore? Probably because I lived in shared houses at university rather than the high rise flats of New York. My privilege is also mirrored by Rachel’s in this episode after her dad gives her a car. I was lucky enough to have the same experience a few years ago when my dad got sick of me borrowing his. So REALLY, hitting that dog was his fault.

Continuing the series’ exploration of the difference between male and female experiences of dating, both Chandler and Phoebe attempt to end relationships. With varying success. The sudden off-screen appearance of these relationships to facilitate the story-line has been reflected in my own life. I’ve discovered Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have ended their break! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Its good news all round as this episode introduces one of the best recurring characters in Friends™. Oh my god! It’s Janice!!

Although she's clearly written in this episode to be a one-off, Maggie Wheeler does such a fantastic job of making Janice much more than a silly voice, that it’s no surprise they brought her back again and again. And this time she doesn’t even need to utter her famous catchphrase!

If you’re playing “watch along with Real Live Friends” there are a couple of other things to look out for this episode. Firstly, check out Ross’s weird tucked in shirt in the opening scene. He looks like a Hare Krishna got stuck in a transporter with an extra from Spike Jonze’s Her. Although, much like the dungarees a few episodes back, I wouldn’t be surprised to see someone wearing something similar on a fashionable street in London.

Secondly, I found it amusing, and strangely out of place, just how much of a dick Joey is to Monica in this episode.

To recap (if you're not watching): Joey tricks Monica into going on a double date with his ex and her new partner. But Joey tells the ex that Monica is his new squeeze and tells Monica he’s still with the ex, and that the new partner is her brother. Needless to say HILARITY ENSUES but I found it interesting seeing this early Joey go to almost Always Sunny in Philadelphia levels of ass-holery.

Real Life Sitcom Moment of the Week:

 “The One Where We Could Have Died”

Speaking of shared houses, my current flat (essentially a converted drive-way latched onto another house) has been causing quite a lot of trouble this week.

We were about to make dinner on Sunday when suddenly all our taps stopped working. After failing to get in contact with the landlord we were forced to get a takeaway. I later found out he was “having some work done” and neglected to tell us as he “assumed we would be out”. At dinner time. On a Sunday.

Still that pales in comparison to our other discovery this week that our boiler is supposed to terminate outside and that at any point in the last six months we could have been suffocated in our sleep by an unexpected backlog of Carbon Monoxide.