Birdworld. A world of Birds. What possible wonders could have awaited us?

Turns out it was birds. A lot of them. Just when you think you’ve seen all the cool birds. THERE’S ANOTHER ONE.

I really would actually recommend a trip if you’re ever near Guildford. Unfortunately, we’re not near Guildford, so paid a hearty price for our fun day out with half the day spent in traffic. But it was “totes” worth it. To borrow the parlance of the youth.

OK, I don’t know why I would “borrow the parlance of the youth” but it’s been typed now. Maybe time is once again on my mind, as I’ve just had a double Real Live Friends birthday and we’ve reached the end of Season 1!

I’ve had fun so far, and am enjoying re-watching the show at least as much as when I last binge-watched it during university. You’d think the binge-watching would have been better, despite it now being in more manageable chunks, as it was with a very attractive young woman. But it turned out getting it on is virtually impossible with Ross on the screen.

 “The One Where I Find It Hard to Write Because My Beautiful Partner is Singing Proud Mary Loudly In My Ear”

This episode has just reminded me that I’ve completely failed at having BBQs this summer.

Hopefully this will be rectified by the end of the summer. But it definitely won’t be at our flat. We tried to host one last year which had to be abandoned, after much to-ing and fro-ing to get fittings and gas canisters, when flames started coming out of the wrong part of the BBQ. And by wrong part, I mean “the outside of it”.

Speaking of unexpected hotness, one of my Real Live Birthday Friends has just earned the (dubious) honour of becoming Me Number 2 (yes I went there), after she ordered an unexpectedly hot chicken dish for her birthday. I’m not sure any of my friends understood my glee at her pain…

As far as other Friends™ coincidences go, this week’s pretty light. Two friends were trying to pass a fiver with a subtle handshake but seeing as we haven’t had that episode yet I’m not sure it counts.

One thing I did notice this week is the peculiar quirk that Monica and Rachels flat has no balcony door. You can see this when Rachel climbs through the window, rushing to meet Ross at the airport. I can’t recall this being referenced in the series, and I certainly hadn’t noticed before. But it’s one of those fun little background details that give the measure of the Friends™ lives not quite being the middle-class perfection that people in their late 20s try to project.

My partner finds the end of this episode very tragic. I’m not sure it’s quite as tragic as a new father having no paternity leave and also having to fly out to work in China. I’m also not sure this makes Rachels reaction to FINALLY finding out about Ross’s (very obvious feelings) more believable. It’s sold well, but would she really journey all the way to the airport TWICE just because she found out one of her friends has feelings for her? I suppose when that friend is also your friends brother you really don’t want to screw up.

I found it sweet how keen Monica was for Rachel to get with her brother, although generally my Real Live Friends have been less than keen when it comes to stuff like this. No-one’s ever got with a friends sibling, but myself and Joey Number 1 (true to form) used to make inappropriate jokes about David the Science Guy’s sister. Funnily enough he wasn’t amused…

Perhaps Monica’s shipping of Rachel and Ross comes more from thinking about how great it would be for two of her friends to get together? Despite the dangers of things going awry it can be a happy moment (as we found when Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 got together)! Not least because of the convenience.

But unfortunately this episode leaves us hanging (except for the first onscreen kiss of Ross and Rachel – taking place in her mind).

I don’t wish to resort to such cheap tricks to get you to come back for season 2 myself. So instead I will simply say:

Thanks for making it this far!

I’m going to take a short hiatus to allow for the next season to sync up again. Please check back, follow @TornToRibbons on Twitter™ or Subscribe below, and I look forward to making Friends™ with you again in Season 2!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We recently went to see a Real Live Friend in a show where they managed to be a perfect Joey.

They had a quick costume change on stage from behind a sheet. Unfortunately they didn’t quite make it in time and ended up having to “adjust” their costume whilst under the sheet. Doubly unfortunately the audience was supposed to think they were dead at this point. Triply unfortunately the position of their hands made it look like they were doing something a lot less appropriate than just doing their trousers up.

FIRST

Well, much like my dog, it looks like Britain has opted to leave the EU.

We’re drifting rudderless in a storm, waiting to see what our new leader will do. Perhaps it won’t be as bad as we’re told? But at the very least I’m hoping for the promised housing price crash. I came home to actual mushrooms growing in our flat today!

I’ve spent the last weeks drifting too, unsure what to think, moving between apathy and apoplectic rage. I’m not sure how much of this is just my default state. I seem to feel less now I’m an adult. In my darker moments I often worry if this is because I have a better handle on my emotions, or whether a part of my soul has died. And then I realise I do still often feel emotions. It’s just usually anger.

If there’s one lesson Friends™ has taught us though, it’s that actually things will mostly stay the same.

Sadness rarely carries on in sitcom world, as things reset to the status quo each week.

Despite his loss of Marcel, Ross is still lusting after Rachel.

Britain is still Britain.

My mother can still be found in the evening with a beer in front of the TV. Just now with no dog for companionship.

 “The One With The Hottest Wings ”

To cheer me up a bit about my dog (and our political turmoil) I planned a joint birthday party for myself and Rachel Number 1.

You know what? It really did the trick! I forgot all my troubles! This was largely due to alcohol, which did a bit too good a job of it. The only thing I remember was eating the world’s hottest chicken wings. I mean, they were very tasty but it was incredibly close to an act of self-flagellation.

I’m pretty sure I had fun though. It’s probably the first time since New Years that the “main cast” of Real Live Friends were together. I think it marks the first time we had the complete Friends™ set too! Joey and Rachel Number 1, Chandler, Monica and Ross Number 2 and my partner as Phoebe Number 3. Even my David the Science Guy and Cannibal Boss were there! But it almost didn’t come to pass…

Joey Number 1 was only there as, by a complete quirk of fate, he and some colleagues just happened to be having some post-work drinks in the same pub. What are the chances? Out of all the pubs in London! It’s good to see coincidences don’t just occur between my life and Friends™.

Nevertheless the Friends™ coincidences are continuing. This episode puts a big old lampshade on Matthew Perry’s unusual emphasis on CERTAIN words. And I too have been on the receiving end of similar mocking, thanks to Phoebe Number 3s discovery that I have trouble pronouncing the word “interpret”. It’s just… It’s always seemed like it should be said how it’s spelt. “Inter-PRET”.

My inability to speak has taken another blow recently as, perhaps because of my belated birthday excess, I’ve had horrendous tooth ache. Phoebe, in her role as Chandlers assistant, isn’t the only one trying to avoid answering the phone this week.

As we all know I’m no stranger to having a Real Live Friend as a boss too and we’re currently looking for some extra staff at work. This lead to a little awkwardness when a friend came to do a trial shift after I posted about it on Facebook™ - only to be turned down. Just like with Phoebe, sometimes nepotism just isn’t enough to nail down a secure job.

My new position is going well enough though. I just wish it left me with a little more of a life. All of my dreams since starting have been about work. I’d kill for a sex dream like Rachel’s.

With Chandlers search for an assistant, and Monica dating a younger guy, I couldn’t help be reminded of my young colleague from my old job – the racy messages she sent me also concerned a sex dream. I haven’t seen her since starting my new job but do hope she’s doing OK.

Monica’s fling seems less sordid than mine could have been, had I not done the correct thing and remained a devoted boyfriend. Although I find this slightly weird given the more extreme age difference in Monica’s case. This plot would have been a lot more disturbing had it been about one of the male cast members. Monica clearly hasn’t heard of the “half your age plus seven” rule, which would have put her young squeeze firmly out of bounds, even before she found out he was in high school!

But I suppose we have to remember that this is a comedy show. It’s not real. As illustrated by Monica’s unrealistic satisfaction after having sex with a guy who probably doesn’t have the faintest idea what he’s doing.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Birthdays abound this month as my partner’s brother celebrated his too. By forcing us all to strap on harness’s and climb through an assault course in a forest. I was excited to do something a little different. However the fun was ruined by having to cling to a tree waiting for the guy in front to hurry up and conquer his damn fear, so I could get through it as fast as possible without looking down.

Still that guy wasn’t as bad as my potential brother in law who refused to do the final jump to the ground and had to take the stairs! EVEN THOUGH the only reason he made us go was because he bottled it a few years previously after pushing his girlfriend off the edge first.

No, they're not still together.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As you’ll see, I’m talking about identity this week, our Real Live Sitcom Moment deals with the issue too and comes from a gathering of my partner’s family.

My potential nephew was going round the room and pointing at all of us “Boy!” or “Girl!” (Depending on our gender) until he got to my partner’s Nan, paused for a moment, then gave up and moved on to the next person. Ouch!
 

A few months ago I lamented having to post a Real Live Friends late, as I was waiting for something to happen and nothing had.

I wish I could say the same this time.

“The One With the Hard Goodbyes”

God damn you Friends™ this is one coincidence I can’t bear.

My heart quickened when I watched this week’s episode as, after a now familiar scene of Monica being pressured by her mother, Ross returned from the vets with bad news. He was going to have to give up Marcel. It was only yesterday I got the 21st Century equivalent. A text from my mother. Bad news from the vet. Our family dog had perhaps four weeks left. Euthanasia was recommended.

After a few hours of nothing sinking in at my new job the news hit me. I sat and drank a cup of tea and wondered what the point of it all was. Shipping drinks out to people I barely cared for. Is this really what I want to be spending my time doing? Being a cog in some great machine just to keep the wheels turning? All because that’s just the way things are and the price of our comfort is being part of something bigger?

I thought of my dog. The thirteen long years he’d spent as part of our family. The times he’d sat with me and my sister on the sofa, even though he wasn’t allowed. My mother urging him to jump on me almost every morning of Sixth Form to make me get up for school.

All the funny useless tricks.

“Shake hands Barney!”

Why? He’s just a dog.

I thought of his insatiable appetite that nothing could overcome, even as he’s got older and weaker. We once bought a spray can to stop him trying to eat the remote controls – only for him to eat the can.

I thought of all the times I sat at my computer when I could have been spending time with him.

Like Phoebe sitting on the sofa playing her Game Boy™. There but not taking part. Present but not voting.

As the scene of Ross breaking the news to Joey and Chandler played out I found myself crying. Until it turned to laughter when the scene switched to a shot of them in the three monkeys pose. I spent the whole episode alternating between laughing and crying.

Especially in the end scene when Ross says goodbye to Marcel.

But it’s worst for my mother. As we all became adults she’s relied on Barney’s companionship more than any of us. She doesn’t know what she’ll do without him, as she confided in me yesterday. At least my partner and I will still have our cats. Although, much like Marcel, the male ones frequent masturbation is pretty disturbing.

With my worry about whether I’ve made the right decision over my new job, my birthday fast behind me, and our beloved pet at deaths door, Monica’s desire to live more and do more things resonates strongly today. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to take up tap dancing though. This episode is bled through with performance, from Phoebe’s expressionist dancing and acting out in the kitchen to “Monica” and “Monana” auditioning for a Broadway show.

But it also plays a lot with the notion of identity. Both in Joey’s consideration of a stage name, and with Monica’s identity thief showing her she can be a different person. My country has to decide its own identity this week too, as we vote whether to stay in the EU or leave. Whether to be part of something bigger or set out just for ourselves.

A twisted mirror shone over our kitchen earlier as we debated whether to follow the vets’ recommendation, or face prolonged pain and uncertainty in the hope our dog will buck the trend. It was a decision made much harder by how happy he seemed to see me. I would have done anything to be able to kick a ball around with him again. In a note of grim irony all my family’s positions were reversed from our views on the referendum. My sisters agreed it was best for him to go peacefully, my mother argued for him to remain. I wavered.

My sister and mother took Barney out for one last walk, with me tragic-comically running after the car when I, once again, faffed on my computer for too long.

“You at the Back! In or out?”

Monica’s dance teacher snaps me back to reality as she calls to Monica: In or Out? To take part and dance? Or to sit on the sidelines?

I think I’ve decided. I do want to be in my job, to be that cog, to be part of something bigger.

I can only hope Britain decides the same.

Ah the evil orthodontist. Worst of all evil people. My mouth suffered at the hands of one in my teens. On the plus side I do now have relatively straight teeth, if a little ground down from all the worry of my last twenty seven years...

Unlike a lot of people I’ve never really had much of a problem going to the dentists or anything like that though. My partner completely refuses to go at all. (As far as I know this is out of fear and not because she once left one at the altar.) Rachel certainly doesn’t have a problem returning to Barry though; as Friends™ delves into the seedy world of on-off-on relationships.

I’ve never had anything as serious as Rachel’s situation happen to me (with the cheating, and the engagements). A couple of times my previous partner and I hooked up in moments of weakness after university. But, thinking about it, some of my most rewarding flings did happen in a weird, sort of, on-again/off-again limbo. Whatever it was that happened with my “Cannibal Boss” followed that sort of non-relationship pattern. Until the last off-again, when “Other Boss” swooped in and turned out to be a much better fit for her.

There was one non-relationship in particular that spanned several years. I find it hard to say why it never developed into something more serious – other than us just being too young. Neither one of us wanted to get tied down and drifted apart. They’re still one of my favourite people I’ve ever met, and every now and then I find myself missing their presence in my life. Usually when they pop up in my Facebook™ newsfeed.

Sadly they’re the only Real Live Friend I decided to stop seeing altogether when I got with my current partner. Just in case old habits came back. As Rachel finds, it can be very enjoyable returning to someone you’ve got a history with. But it’s not always a good idea.

“The One With the Most Uneventful Birthday of All Time”

In another surprisingly meta-turn T.O.W.T.E.O. flags up the weirdness of the Friends™ spying on Ugly Naked Guy by giving them their own spy across the street.

Everyone’s freaked out before Joey tracks her down and she wins them over with kind words and compliments. I’ve been thinking a lot about Joey’s creeping. It’s an interesting relic of the show. Many instances of his behaviour, like him getting sexual gratification from imagining Rachel at camp, seem especially seedy by today’s standards. And yet they often garner the biggest laughs.

How much of this is because of the broad strokes Joey is cast with and how much is because we recognise him from real life is hard to say. But I don’t think anyone would deny that they’ve perved on at least one of their Real Live Friends at some point.

There is another element however, which reflects real life – attractiveness. We forgive Joey for a lot of his creepiness because he is young and attractive. Likewise the characters do as well. Could you imagine Rachel or Monica’s reaction to Joey’s comments if they came from Mr Heckles? Or Ugly Naked Guy? Or even from Chandler?

Context and mode of delivery is all important. The same thing said to someone by a nice young attractive man in a bar has completely different connotations when said by an old man in a duffel coat, a group of men on the tube, or even the same nice young man once he’s had three too many beers, is bleary eyed, slurring, and drenched in sweat.

Joey is also an expert at cloaking his pervy-ness behind compliments. And as a result, much like the woman on the phone, he is let off the hook.

Speaking of hooks (because it wouldn’t be RLF without a tenuous “speaking of” segue): I had another reminder of orthodontists this week when I ended up watching some old family videos on my birthday. My braces definitely go a long way to explaining my lack of success with women at the time. (Though not my lack of success once they were removed.)

It was very strange watching the videos. I remember the events happening, but it was like watching a different person’s life. I remember the child in the videos but he isn’t me. I’m hoping this is just a natural result of aging. And not because I drank so much at university I severed the connection between the person I was before and the person I am now.

If I needed another reminder of how I’m now DEFINITELY. AN. ADULT. the fates certainly delivered. I spent the rest of my birthday having to sort out my MOT, car insurance and road tax. The mundanity of this was brought into sharp relief by the home videos including a wild bouncy castle birthday party.

My birthday dullness, combined with leaving my job after three years, has got me thinking: What’s the best thing that’s happened to me in the last three years? Aside from moving in with my partner I don’t really know... I’ve been on some holidays? Drank a lot of wine? Seen the new Star Wars™?

It seems like nothing’s really happened. I’ve been sitting still (literally in the case of work).

All my fears of wasting my life combined when I decided to leave. Fears I entertained daily as I sat in traffic jams or stared into the void of the internet.

But will my new role be any different? I’m replacing being annoyed at people in cars with being annoyed at people on trains. Staring blankly at a computer displaying the news with staring blankly at a computer screen displaying a spreadsheet.

And all for a change of scene and a bit of extra money.

Sitting outside in the garden at work on my last day, I’ve been struck by how peaceful working here has been. I think actually in many ways it’s helped me heal my mind a little. Even as the clock has ticked away.

I will miss the place, but perhaps something a little less peaceful might be a little more interesting.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This weeks RLSM comes courtesy of Chandler Number 2 who, so far, has probably been doing the best job of living up to their character. Another bizarre parallel comes with news that she’s moving into Joey Number 1s shared house! Hopefully this will give us a new hub of fun and many RLSM’s to come. Although annoyingly it is right next to the job I am now leaving.

Well no sign of a Real Live Gunther at our party...

In fact, no sign of a lot of people. Being in your late 20s really hits home when you organise an impromptu party and only end up with three guests.

The quality of guest was high at least. We had my Real Live David the Science Guy and his partner, as well as Chandler Number 2.

Life is imitating art once again as David the Science Guy is moving away from London. Thankfully not quite as far away as Yemen.

I’m happy that he and his partner are buying their first place together. Although unfortunately this meant a large part of our evening was taken up with more talk of mortgages.

 “The One Where My Cliffhanger Gets Me Into Hot Water Again”

Hang on; are they literally just playing poker in this episode?! There must be more... no, it appears that’s the entire plot. Well at least the title is spot on.

“The One With” title format is one of the unique stamps that makes Friends™ special. The meta-joke of it and how easy it is for people to discuss the show round the water-cooler form a big part of Friends™ continued success. Along with the show being a nostalgic touching point for a huge number of people, thanks to it being repeated Ad Nauseum on the telly.

One of the best bits of advice ever given to me is that if you ever run out of something to talk about with someone (in the original context it was a member of the opposite sex) then the best thing to do is start talking about food. It’s the one definite shared experience everyone has. But I think Friends™ comes a close second.

Another thing that's part of the continued appeal of Friends™ is you can really see the cast enjoying themselves. This is never clearer than in the many instances they laugh at each others jokes. In this episode Lisa Kudrow tries to cover up laughing at a joke Rachel makes at Phoebes expense.

It’s often said Friends™ works so well because, well, they seem like real friends. When I pointed out to my partner that Lisa stifled a laugh, she disagreed and saw it rather as Phoebe laughing at Rachel’s joke. The casts use of their amusement to strengthen their characters – much like how we laugh with our Real Live Friends – is one of my favourite things about re-watching the show.

Another highlight is Marcel dancing to Lion Sleeps Tonight. So far there’s been a lot less of the iconic monkey than I remember. (That might be the greatest sentence I've ever written.) But this definitely sticks in my mind as one of his classic scenes. There’s another running joke as poker brings out “competitive Monica” and one of my own running jokes continues too thanks to Chandler’s choice of shirt.

A black shoulder stripe with a different coloured bottom... is this an episode of Friends™ or Star Trek™?

No, turns out it’s just another weird incidence of 90s fashion coming back. (Incidentally if anyone knows the name of that style of shirt please tell me. I’ve been wanting one ever since I realised it’s now fine to essentially walk around dressed as a Star Trek™ character. But I never know what to Google™.)

The crux of this episode, its ace in the hole if you will, is the continuing development of Ross and Rachel.

Their sparring during the poker game – with Rachel eager to prove women can play just as well as men – allows Ross to finally be more comfortable around her. As anyone who’s ever got with someone they fancy knows: being comfortable in yourself and not letting your feelings make you act like a fool is key to success. I embarrassed myself several times when I attempted to woo my partner during school. It was only after I moved away from home for several years and became happier with myself that something happened between us.

Or maybe she’d just lowered her standards by then.

I suppose in that way our relationship mirrors that of Ross and Rachel. I am hesitant to give her the title of Rachel Number 2 however, as she’s actually incredible at poker. Seriously, she once won hundreds of pounds after being severely underestimated by a group of men in a casino! One day I will defeat her... One day...

Perhaps I, myself, should be Rachel Number 2? After all I’ve had a similar experience recently of a job interview that I thought went well. At least Rachel gets the courtesy of a rejection phone call. I’m STILL waiting to hear about that job. Although it’s not quite as bad as when I managed to be so unmemorable at an interview they emailed me two weeks later asking if I still wanted come for an interview.

Anyway, I can’t be Rachel Number 2 as:

1. My partner would never let me win at poker.
2. I’ve just a got a promotion.

Oh sorry, did I forget to mention?

Yes, it turns out that, despite previously moaning that “getting a promotion in real life isn’t quite as simple as quitting and waiting”, it is actually possible to get one by doing nothing but waiting.

My “cannibal boss” has given me an offer I can’t refuse – a pay-rise in exchange for leaving my other part-time job and working for her full time. This means I’m still Chandler Number 3, I’ve just got promoted and quit in the wrong order...

The problem is I don’t really know how to quit. I’ve never left a job before! My lack of quitting experience is probably why I ended up staying in the same “temp job” for three years. That and my fear of failing if I ever try hard at anything.

I always say I would have left a year ago – much like Chandler – if it didn’t coincide with me and my partner moving in together. But I wonder if I would have had the guts to do it? I’m only comfortable leaving now that I’ve definitely got a better offer. I couldn’t even decide whether to take the offer at first. Thankfully the agonising decision was made easier when I told my other boss I might be leaving and they looked more relieved than anything.

It seems weird I’ve been thinking and talking about leaving for so long and now it’s finally come everything’s happened so quickly. And with so little fanfare.

But we play the cards we are dealt. Except in Ross’s case as he, very sweetly, let’s Rachel win to make her feel better.

I guess there’s more to this episode than poker after all.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I continued making amends for my cliff-hanger this week with a romantic evening for my partner.

This included a foot-bath and a lovely home-cooked stir-fry. Or at least it would have if I hadn’t forgotten to check which ingredients we had. This led to a very awkward moment when we realised we’d have to come up with new plans for dinner half-way through the foot-bath. I don’t know if you’ve ever been crouched on the floor massaging someone’s feet in rapidly cooling water whilst having a terse discussion about where to eat? But I wouldn’t recommend it. Especially if you’re dressed as a naked butler.

Hrrm... I didn’t really think about this when I started.

How do I deal with two-part episodes? Do I watch them in one go and do a bumper blog? Or try and mirror their format with my own two-parter? Will it be weird my life jumping ahead two weeks if the next episode follows on immediately? Does anyone even care?

I don’t think any of us wants an extra long entry (oo-err) so perhaps I will keep the episodes split and see what happens.

But how do I incorporate a cliff-hanger into the blog? This episode not only ends with multiple threads unresolved but a very literal cliff-hanger as Rachel is left dangling from the side of her building - with nothing but Christmas tree decorations stopping her fall.

And all because “SOMEONE was supposed to take down the Christmas decorations around New Years!” but didn’t...

I had a good chuckle at this as our kitchen was cluttered with boxes of decorations for several months after Christmas. Despite repeatedly asking my partner to take them on the fifteen minute journey back to her mother’s garage.

Anyway, a two-part episode leaves a lot more space for multiple plot-lines so there’s a lot to get through. Here’s a few of the things we don’t really have time to talk through in more detail:

1. They’ve updated the credits. Quite a common occurrence midway through a season. By this point they’ve finished shooting a lot more footage so have extra stuff to run with.
2. Helen Hunt’s appearance garners another sitcom entry applause in the second of two crossovers with fellow New York sitcom Mad About You™ - where Phoebe’s sister Ursula originated. (The first crossover was earlier this season when the Friends™ experienced a blackout created by Helen Hunt in her show)
3. After her confusing exchange with Helen Hunt, Phoebe goes and sits next to a completely random guy in the coffee shop. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be a friend of hers? It seemed like he wasn’t, but this is completely alien to me. As a Londoner I can’t think of anything more awkward than going and sitting next to someone I don’t know in a coffee shop.
4. The African-American character count goes up by one for the first time in several episodes at Carol’s maternity class. Although I haven’t been keeping a specific count, already at this early point, the under representation of black characters (for which Friends™ has received much criticism) is readily apparent.
5. The return of Mr Heckles!

 “The One Where I Try and Have a Cliffhanger”

Chandler’s string of luck with unrealistically attractive women continues as he embarks on an office place romance. Having never been single and employed at the same time I’ve never had the opportunity for one. Mind you, if I worked in a place that used acroynyms like WENUS and ANUS I’d probably be pretty tempted too. Imagine the sexual tension!

I doubt I’d enmesh myself in a complicated web of lies though, as Chandler does when he can’t bring himself to fire his new squeeze. It seems promotions can have their downsides. With great office space comes great responsibility.

Inevitably Chandler loses control of the situation – failing to maintain his new relationship by blurting “will you marry me?” as a last ditch attempt to cover his lies. At least we now know where Maeby from Arrested Development™ got that quirk from.

Elsewhere Phoebe gets a welcome bit of character development as we're introduced to her previously mentioned twin. I only know one twin: the partner of my best Real Live Friend (of trouser biting dog fame). Next time I see her I’ll be sure to ask how her experience compares to that of Phoebe. There wont be any similar issues to Joey dating Ursula in my life though as her sister is already in a committed relationship.

But it really is tragic hearing more of Phoebe’s past. Her back-story is unusually dark as this fan theory explores. I believe it was already mentioned (via song) that her mother killed herself but I was still surprised when it popped up again.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
*laughter*
Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Ah, bath salts... the eternal gift. Whether covering for a forgotten anniversary or erasing the memory of a dead parent, is there nothing they can’t do?

I also noticed that Phoebe is wearing what, I’m reliably informed, is called a “choker”. Funnily enough the six year old little terror on my Ireland trip was also wearing one. The 90s fashion renaissance really is in full swing!

Speaking of fashion, I just noticed how stylish Susan always is. I’m not sure I can even blame Carol for leaving Ross at this point. The trio head over to their maternity class with first Carol and then Ross freaking out over the dawning reality of their incumbent parenthood. And I can understand Ross’s position, if he can’t control Marcel how can he be a father? By the same token, what kind of father will I be when I can’t even remember to get cat-food in our weekly shop?

I realise it probably seems silly the amount of time I’m spending talking about children when it’s still several years off for me. It certainly feels silly the amount of time I spend thinking about it – when it’s so irrelevant to my current life. But this is one of the major differences between Friends™ and my own life. Although my Real Live Friends are largely in relationships they all seem less serious somehow than the ones in Friends™. Only one of my Real Live Friends is married with another wedding scheduled next year. Children still seem far off.

But people all move at different speeds and this is why it’s weighing so heavily on my thoughts. I’ve been informed that next year’s wedding couple are keen to pop as soon as they drop (so to speak).

Most surprisingly two of my closest male Real Live Friends have recently ended up as surrogate fathers through their new relationships. The immediacy and shock of this, they’re both the last people I would have expected to end up with such responsibility at this age, has brought my apprehensions of my own future to the fore.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Despite me complaining last time about the lack of realism in the Friends™ visiting each other at work my Rachel Number 1 actually came to visit me at work this week!

We had an excellent catch-up conversation. Among other things her parents have thrown caution to the wind and gotten married after 37 years! She said it was great fun as the family laughed together at the registry office. But was less enthused when her father informed her a week later that the marriage had yet to be consummated.

I hadn’t quite realised how much I’d missed her until the conversation got a little deeper and we both shared our frustrations at how sick we are of the amount of time we spend thinking about things that don’t interest us – children, traffic, house prices. Being an adult sucks.

I really needed it if I’m honest. I’ve been feeling down in the dumps lately. I’ve been drinking again. Getting back from holiday and our flat being a mess, starting work again and feeling useless, not being able to afford anything, it’s really got me down.

“And to top it all off”, as I told Rachel Number 1, “my attractive young co-worker has just told me she’s got the hots for me.”

Silence fell, Ross’s words ringing in my ears:

 “You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.”

Ah Valentine’s Day, a yearly reminder of the sexism deep at the heart of our consumer culture.

I usually remain blissfully unaware of this, due to a complete lack of interest in high-street shops. I pretend this lack of interest is because of the environmental impact of such large scale disposable materialism. But of course it’s actually due to a lack of money.

By ignoring the strain put on us (and our relationships) by the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes; I can focus fully on more tangible feminist issues. Like our Prime Minister vetoing improving sex education in schools despite it being recommended by a huge array of experts and the women in his own cabinet.

Admittedly though, most of the strain “the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes” puts on my relationship is because of me using phrases like “the genderisation of shop products for marketing purposes”.

Anyway, thankfully this episode doesn’t actually cover Valentine’s Day. So I can press on without its shadow hanging over us.

“The One Where I Try Not to Talk About Valentine’s Day”

Seeing as this seems to be the “feminist issue” of RLF I'm gonna start with the “feminist issue” covered in this episode (at least according to Joey and Ross): Phoebe having to tell Rachel the "wonderful" Paulo assaulted her on the massage table. Thankfully for the viewer this makes Paulo such a horrendous arsehole we excuse Ross’s own dubious attempt to show Rachel what a “nice guy” he is - by jumping her whilst she's vulnerable.

The writers manage to subvert this well though as Rachel swears off men altogether.

(As an aside there's another example of concurrent fashion trends between the 90s and now here, as Rachel spends most of the episode in what looks like a onesie).

I did wonder (again) if this was written by the female writing staff. In many ways it’s a female focused counterpart to the previous episode. Both feature one the Friends™ crossing an inappropriate sexual line with someone important to one of the others. But this handles the issue with more sensitivity as it delves into Rachel’s heartbreak, and the laughs are derived largely from Ross acting out.

I looked it up and, to my surprise; this episode was written by all men. I suppose ultimately this is positive, the male writing staff too were capable of portraying M, P and R as complex female characters.

It's helped by the first appearance of Monica’s competitive streak, brought about by the introduction of another staple quirk of the series – the Foosball table! Before this we get the joy of Chandler and Joey struggling to agree on furniture to buy, which I can very much relate to. We received several gift cards in lieu of Christmas presents this year.

Whilst it's a funny scene, a lot of the humour relies on two heterosexual male flatmates acting in a stereotypically coupley fashion. This links nicely with the classic scene at the start of the episode (of the Friends™ spontaneously singing the theme to ‘The Odd Couple’) but I can’t shake the realisation I’m essentially laughing because they’re “being a bit gay”. This is made worse by the reappearance of the “blunt gay joke” at the expense of Carol and Susan.

Ross’s further dick-holery is also apparent when he willingly lets a vegetarian Susan eat a lasagne with meat in it.

Talking of things you shouldn’t eat, this episode briefly touches on people eating placenta. My partner had a good laugh at this as apparently I go on about it “all the time”. Ridiculous, all because I happen to have mentioned once or twice how good for you it’s supposed to be and that a lot of animals do it naturally...

Also though why would any self respecting meat eater pass up on their only opportunity to legally and morally eat human meat? And my partner’s a vegetarian, so it would be her ONLY opportunity to eat ANY meat.

There’s been an odd trend in recent years of companies offering services to prepare the placenta into smoothies or dried pill form, but I say fry it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

(NB I emphatically do not actually say that. I am merely open to the possibility of trying it.)

The miracles of childbirth (culinary and otherwise) are further explored in this episode as Ross deliberates on whether he wants to know the sex of his child.

I’m not sure where I fall in this camp. I like the idea of it being a surprise. (And certainly wouldn’t want to buy any clothing or decor based on preconceived notions of the child’s gender.) But, on the other hand, I suspect finding out would make me feel more involved and excited about the pregnancy. We'll have to cross that road when it comes to it.

To bring this decidedly un-valentine’s day special to a close: I’ve just realised if Ross had gone all the way with Chandler’s mother last time, she would have become the second person he’d slept with!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This week’s RLSM comes from my Real Live David the Science Guy. He shared the following story with us in the pub last weekend:

Apparently one of his uncles has both a predilection for sleeping in the nude and an unfortunate habit of not putting his spectacles on to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As a result, whilst on holiday, David and his partner were awoken in the middle of the night by the drunken uncle first exclaiming “what are you doing in my room?!” before, upon realising his error, hurriedly adding “for heaven’s sake don’t turn on the light.”

OK, you’ve got me...

I’ve been putting off writing this one. Not because of anything tragic happening.

Nothing of interest has happened at all this month! Even the much touted ‘Friends™ Reunion’ was a damp squib. Although it was nice seeing the picture of them all together again! (Wasn’t it weird though how much Matthew Perry now looks like the cast of The Big Bang Theory?).

Anyway, I shall do my best to rescue this entry. Like Chandler dropping to the floor in surprise at finding Ross and Joey right outside his door, I shall emerge victorious clutching today’s paper like it was all intentional.

“The One Where I Don’t Get Ill Enough”

First up, more evidence of the strong support the studio gave Friends™ early on with a Jay Leno cameo. Who’s that he’s interviewing? Chandlers mum?!

Maybe it’s because I’ve just seen a picture of the cast as they are now, but I really didn’t think she looked old enough to be Chandlers mum.

At first I thought it was a sad reflection of the TV industries unwillingness to cast older women... But I looked it up and the actress who played her was actually 45 so it’s completely within the realms of possibility. Looking good Mrs B! I suppose her attractiveness is, slightly, the point as Ross succumbs to drunken temptation and breaks the “bro code”. Hands up who else completely forgot that Ross once kissed Chandlers mum?!

Maybe I find it unusual because it's so different to my own situation. (I’m talking about the age range here, not the getting off with friends parents – although I haven’t done that either. Yet.) The other day we had a big dinner for my mother’s 62nd birthday. I find it interesting there's such a huge range in the age difference between parents and kids. My partner’s parents are only around fifty, whereas Rachel Number 1s dad is 70!

This factors into me and my partners VERY HYPOTHETICAL discussions about children.

Is it better to get the most out of your freedom in your youth and then settle? (As my parents did) Or have children younger and then enjoy a ‘Gilmore Girls’ lifestyle where you and your children are the best of buds? I’ve always leant to the former but must say getting drunk with my partners parents is often more entertaining than the slightly terse dinners with my own family. But perhaps that’s more a result of my family’s dysfunctions...

Either way, for now at least, I am content to avoid any extra responsibility for as long as I can.

I’m happy to say I’ve managed to maintain my non-drinking this month! All temptations have only served to reinforce my desire to not drink. The tequila shots Chandlers mum served in this episode looked far too good for me to trust myself with a drink.

I only hope everyone cutting back on drinking for January is not connected to the uneventfulness of this month....

I suspect a lot of the quietness is a side effect of the return to work. The B-Plot of this episode, with a caricatured Monica and Phoebe doting on a guy in a coma, illustrates the strange phenomenon of sitcom characters always having more free time than real people with jobs.

That’s not say it’s been all work this month as both me and my partner have been off sick at different points.

She really wasn’t happy about it. Especially when I told her I was jealous of her chest infection. I’d happily cough up blood for a bit if I could get a week off work... I was so excited at the notion of a few days off when I woke with a stomach bug!

Waking up fine the next day was a huge disappointment to rival Ross’s disappointment that Rachel is still with Paulo. But, as in the surprisingly Meta commentary of Mrs Bing on Paulo’s status as a supporting character, perhaps, as the main character of this project there’s hope for me yet...

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The struggle to find something eventful continues...

The best I’ve got is getting my first flat tyre. A subplot hardly even worth a Two and a Half Men episode.

It did provide some amusement as I called my partners father in a panic thinking I didn’t have a jack. (Calling him over my own father wasn’t the result of any sort of preference or age discrimination, he's a mechanic).

My panic turned to embarrassment, however, when - after he rushed to my aid - we discovered I already had everything underneath my spare tyre.

And so it’s back to work.

This already upsetting time – of immediately failing to do all those new resolutions - has hit me harder than usual.

On my first day back I found out the work cat was struck down by a car over the holidays. I will miss him massively (not least because he was my one source of warmth in our freezing office). He was immensely superior to our cats as he never woke me up by banging on the cupboard for no reason, and I didn’t have to deal with his poop!

His absence has already been felt hard, after a pigeon managed to find its way into our office. At this rate it'll soon feel like I’m working in Trafalgar Square.

“The One With An Unexplained Abundance of Cream”

This week’s episode the Friends™ plan their New Year and Ross judges people for having flatmates. (It also introduces the extremely cute monkey: Marcel).

I found this doubly amusing as my partner feeling too “grown-up” for a shared house is the reason for our current abysmal living standards. (Along with a succession of governments failing to build affordable housing).

We got to see how fantastic living in a shared house could be over New Years as we booked a holiday home with several Real Live Friends. These included my Rachel No. 1 and Ross No. 2/Chandler No. 1, as well as my very own David the Science Guy (handily introduced this week and played brilliantly by Simpsons™ stalwart Hank Azaria).

My David the Science Guy is a Real Live Friend I had a very particular “Bromance” with at university.

You know... the type of close male friendship where you jokingly flirt with each because there is no one else. We’ve both got girlfriends now so we’ve drifted apart slightly. This has not been helped by him working abroad in recent years (much like David having to leave for Minsk). He’s back now however, and firmly re-entrenched in our friend group after our fantastic New Years. I hope I'll be seeing him a lot more again!

Much like Chandler’s struggle to find someone to kiss at New Years (with all the other Friends™ bringing dates) only one of our remaining single Real Live Friends came along to New Years. So she gains the "honour" of being Chandler Number 2.

Her continued singlehood remains a mystery as she's both an excellent human and fabulous person to get drunk with. I was delighted when my partner experienced the latter for the first time. They both stayed up late one night “putting the world to rights”. I was less delighted when my severely confused and inebriated partner woke me up attempting to find our bed in the darkness.

Along with the second appearance of Janice (still no “Oh My God!”) this episode includes a joke about naming breasts.

We had an experience of a different sort of breast during our holiday. Upon arrival our landlady told us she would bring over some recently shot pheasants at some point. Being city folk, we laughed off her statement and were shocked the following evening when she showed up brandishing seven dead pheasants at our window - with an expression of manic glee.

After much deliberation, soul-searching, and YouTube™ surfing, we decided the best course of action was to attempt to butcher them ourselves. I’m a devoted meat eater but I struggled with the concept slightly. Seeing the un-plucked birds I realised how difficult I would find it to kill a living creature myself. Questions swarmed round my head over whether I had the right to eat meat, if I couldn’t do the deed myself, as I squeamishly watched my friends butchering the pheasants before me.

Ultimately though (with apologies to my vegetarian partner) I decided my only option was to have a go at breasting one of the birds myself. It was a very strange experience. The instant I touched the (still-warm) pheasant I felt my relationship to it change as it ceased to be a poor dead animal in front of me and became just another piece of meat that I was going to eat.

This change carried over into my next sighting of a pheasant (this time alive) when we walked down the road. Where previously thoughts of “what a beautiful bird” would have existed, now they were “I bet that tastes great, I want to eat it.”

If I'm honest, I enjoyed butchering the pheasant (but not as much as I enjoyed eating it). But I found the ease with which I slipped into the role slightly unnerving. Ultimately I'm left with the question of whether it's possible to both see an animal as a piece of meat and respect it as a beautiful living creature at the same time. I expect I'll be wrestling with this notion for some time.

Though my experience with the pheasants was not quite enough to spur me into giving up meat,I’ve decided the time is ripe for another of my month long breaks from alcohol.

It’s not quite a resolution per se (more like guidelines…). I’ve reached a nice balance now where I don’t drink as heavily as I used to, but it’s still more regularly than I would like and I’m sick of being confused all the time. I found it difficult to remember embarrassingly small figures back at work this week, largely, I suspect, as a result of drinking everyday on our holiday. If I needed any extra convincing it came on the way to work yesterday. I went to buy some milk and found myself looking at the alcohol aisle with a sense of longing.

I think it’s definitely time for a detox.

One drink in particular sticks in my mind from our holiday. The “official” ale of the Cerne Abbas giant. For those who don’t know, the Cerne Abbas giant is a spectacular giant (with an even more spectacular “member”) carved out of chalk on the side of a hill. I was disappointed to learn it may not be as ancient as people commonly think but it was still great to see such a famous and enigmatic part of our history.

Less great was our very muddy attempt to circumnavigate the hill as I managed to make it all the way round without losing my footing only to fall on my arse fifty metres from the car park.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I will name the organiser of our trip Monica Number 2 for his meticulous eye for detail. This ensured a trip, which could have fallen at many hurdles, went ahead without a hitch.

He also unwittingly provided a strong sitcom style joke. As I was attempting to coral him into singing Karaoke on New Years Eve he tried to get out of it with the statement “I only do Karaoke once a year and I’ve already done it this year”.

So as the clock struck 12 and ushered in the new year, I asked again "Monica, care to get in this years Karaoke early?"

My phone is fixed! Thank the little baby Jesus, it’s a Christmas miracle!!

(Or an early Christmas present from my partner).

It turns out I remembered last week’s episode pretty well after all! With three exceptions I want to briefly mention:

1. Phoebe’s first gig at Central Perk being sadly cut short by the power cut.
2. Phoebe not knowing her own phone number. My partner has this exact problem so she gains the honour of being Phoebe Number 3. Which surprisingly makes Phoebe the character whose traits have appeared most in my Real Live Friends so far.
3. Joey telling Ross he’s in the friend-zone. A slightly nebulous concept, nowadays mired in gender-political problems associated with “nice guys who always finish last”. These “nice guys” often prove exactly how nice they are - by being annoyed their friend’s wont sleep with them. Friends™ conforms to the trope as Ross is beaten to the punch by newcomer Paulo (boo!).

“The One Where People Get Hurt”

Well, who would have thought a light-hearted sit-com like Friends™ would feature the heady topic of death before my life?

In this stand-out episode, we get a rather unexpected meditation on the passage of time and cyclical nature of life. It's beautifully expressed in the final scene where the Friends™ look through old baby pictures, but come across one of their recently deceased Nana’s – showing her and her friends hanging out at their very own coffee shop in bygone days.

We also see Ross having to go through his Nana's stuff. This took me back to my own grandfathers funeral (quite a few years ago now) where my floodgates finally burst open when I saw his empty glasses case in his room.

It’s not all sadness and a great job is done finding the humour in a dark situation. Including Joey matter-of-factually opining on the lack of life after death (which mirrors my partner’s sister’s lack of tact a few weeks ago.)

The writers also get a chance to flesh out the Gellar parents a bit more. It's mostly played for laughs with Gellar dad revealing he wants to be buried at sea and Gellar mum still having a go at Monica. However it keeps the sweetness of the rest of the episode when Gellar mum opens up to Monica over her own mother’s judgmental nature and they gain a better understanding of one another. I can’t help being reminded of my recent experience with my father. We all become our parents.

Thanks to the single nature of the Friends™ (as well as the fact there is no Christmas episode this season – see next week’s entry) we’ve yet to see any arguments about whose family to spend Christmas with. My partner and I have already done and dusted those, so this week brought her second favourite day of the year: “CHRISTMAS TREE DAY”.

She loves Christmas. To the extent that once, in a moment of drunken delirium, she asked “was it Santa or Jesus who died for our sins?”

Our halls are now fully bedecked with Holly after quite a traumatic experience for me. I had to a) spend time in the plasticised and disposable consumer hell that is Poundland™ and b) come to terms with the fact every year we kill millions of trees for little good reason.

But to say it was more traumatic for my partner would be a huge understatement!

Putting the decorations up is an important tradition for her and, as with most traditions, this comes with a large side of wine. Unfortunately the side of our kitchen top is not so wide, and one of the glasses fell and smashed. This meant a trip to A and E for me and my partner when she fell on one of the shards and got a large gash in her hand! The Friends™ aren’t the only ones spending time in a hospital this week.

We were shocked to find the hospital nearest to us is in special measures too. The large number of posters on the wall declaiming the service as “inadequate” didn't fill us with confidence. This, along with the poor timing of it being late at night on a Sunday, meant we had to hang around in the waiting room for over four and a half hours before we were seen!

And all the while we were haunted by the memory of our cats licking up the blood, and our new found knowledge that they would not hesitate to eat us should our boiler finally finish us off.

Apart from the poor waiting time, the staff were pleasant and helpful. Unlike the bullish nurse Ross encountered after the hockey game. We were kept amused by the appearance of two old and (presumably drunk) men on the ward, one of whom regaled us with Christmas songs. Thanks to him for lightening an otherwise awful experience. As our guardian angel I hope he didn’t have to wait too long to be seen!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My partner isn’t the only one in hospital this week, as Christmas decorations have successfully taken my boss out of action too.

Putting up an eight foot Christmas tree by himself proved more than he could handle. Doubly unfortunately he didn’t realise how hurt he was till he’d been lying down in his office for a few hours. Once he did he, eventually, worked up the courage to call me for help (uttering the phrase “I’ve been stuck here for longer than I’d care to admit...”).

This led to the, no doubt comical, sight of me struggling to lift him to a more upright position, which wouldn’t have been at all out of place in an episode of Friends™.

Strangely, this episode see’s Ross also hurting his back after he falls into a grave. I find this a worrying coincidence. (Made worse as I was listening to a Miranda Hart interview earlier where she talks about the comedic trope of someone falling into a grave.) Still, all these coincidences may be odd… But are they any odder than the Friends™ all wearing sunglasses to a funeral?