Torn To Ribbons
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9.04 - “The One Where I Watch The One With the Sharks”

5/11/2023

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Chandler’s still stuck in Tulsa. So I’ve been spending a bit of time with Phoebe and Ross.

She’s all excited about Paul Rudd. (Who wouldn’t be…) And thinks it might be time to take her “grade A loins off the meat market”.

Ew.

But she’s worried she’s never been in a long term relationship and is now in her mid thirties. Funnily enough, speaking to thrice divorced Ross doesn’t help. It is a little crazy to think of it. All I can remember are David the Science Guy and that cop who shot the bird?That was years ago.

I suppose we all know those people who are perfectly wonderful but never seem to find the one.

“The One With Denial”

Chandler’s still stuck in Tulsa. So Monica went to visit him. And walked in on him having a Jaws Mode Wank. AKA pleasuring himself to some videos of sharks.

How do I know this? Well she immediately rang Rachel of course. Isn’t there something in marriage vows that forbids that sort of thing?? Jesus. I need to go make sure my wife’s kept some of MY secrets…
​
Meanwhile Ross has been jeoparding things with Paul Rudd by telling him Phoebe’s never made a relationship work. Shame for that to go tits up so soon.

​Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!
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How the hell does Ross have time to stalk five different Mike Hannigans before he finds the real one?!? He must have used Facebook™.

He manages to convince Paul Rudd to give Phoebe a second chance (just about) by inventing a previous partner called Vikram. This leaves Phoebe and Ross caught in a web of lies, but she finally comes clean and is rewarded by Paul Rudd kissing her and deciding to give things a go. Yippy!

But Chandler is still in Tulsa. He’s still in Tulsa. So Monica decides to show him she loves him no matter what by doing the dirty to some shark vids. This leaves him, understandably, confused as it turns out he was actually watching regular porn and hurriedly changed the channel.

I don’t understand how she doesn’t cotton on to him not knowing what she’s talking about with the shark video sooner. Sure. She’s willing to thrash for him. But they’ve got bigger problems if they communicate this poorly…

They’re going to have to work on this to get through him being stuck in Tulsa.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My eldest has got into the idea of becoming a scientist lately. We went for a walk in the woods with my old “cannibal” bosses for one of their birthdays. One of them studied natural sciences at uni and is a dab hand at mushroom spotting. (I realise this sounds like a euphemism for them being deeply into drugs, but I assure you, that is not the case).

Mushroom spotting turned out to be a great way of getting my kid into the natural world. And an opportunity to explain to her more about all the different type of sciences, and what scientists do.

I’m sure she’ll jump on another idea next week. But it was really nice to hear that later on she’d suggested playing mushroom spotting with granny. Something must have stuck and maybe one day she will be a scientist.

Life goes on.

​And Chandler is still stuck in Tulsa.
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