With Christmas coming up, Chandler’s getting the wedding china out.

But not before admonishing Monica for never using it. “What are we saving it for, the Queen coming over?”

Yerh… hate to break it to you, mate… she’s not coming over.

Though, admittedly, I’m not sure you’re really here anymore either…

“The One With Acceptance”

Christmas is (usually) a time for catching up with estranged family. And so Rachels’ sister Amy is in town! “Haven’t seen you in a year!” That’s nothing, Rachel, I haven’t seen her, ever!

This is a little painful for me as, after a difficult few years, my own sister has now become slightly estranged from our family and won’t be spending Christmas with us.

They’re all a little judgey of Amy for not taking a massive interest in Rachel’s child. An attitude that pervades my own family. But hey, you know what? She’s got her own life, her own stuff going on. It’s fine. If you ask me, problems only start appearing in families when you all start demanding everyone acts, feels, and thinks the same way.

But I draw the line at Phoebe not believing in the moon landings. She won’t be getting anywhere near my kids.

Amy recognises Joey from TV. And I have to wonder, why doesn’t this happen more often? Maybe it would if he was a better actor… turns out he can’t even lie effectively. And has a stunning lack of imagination, only being able to think of Raccoons when called upon to cover something up. Alcohol will do that to you. You be careful, Joe.

I may have rushed to Amy’s defence. But (much like my sister) she is deeply self-absorbed. Imagining herself as the main character of a movie in which Rachel and Ross die and Emma is left to her.

Honestly, what kind of loser fantasises about their life being like a film/TV show?

God, some people have no self-awareness.

She doesn’t even remember the babies name! You get in line behind Chandler and Monica if you want that baby. I reckon even I’ve got a better shout at this point.

It’s nice to hear Chandler and Monica would get the baby. Though quite harsh of Ross to say Chandler would then lose the child if Monica dies too. Surely that would depend how long they’d had her?? Can you even stipulate something like that in your will?

I also don’t think Monica would make a much better parent than Chandler. She’s way not chill enough. I reckon she’d be a lot like me, constantly swinging between being too anxious about all the mess, and too depressed to do anything about it.

But anyway, Christmas will be fun.

Actually, can I please have the baby?? I seem to be the only person here who knows you’re not supposed to leave them in the car seat all day. What if a raccoon comes in and steals it?

I’ve been getting my claims on babies in early at the moment. Maybe there is a hint of a sadness at our second no longer being one.

The other day I dropped off a bunch of old clothes for Rachel Number Two.

It turns out she’s put some thought into who she’d call in an emergency. And, despite my now prodigious level of fatherhood experience, and being the closest friend, I fall somewhere behind Dr Phalanges. WHO LIVES MORE THAN AN HOUR AWAY.

Come now! I told her, never to hesitate to call me if she needs anything. Though I draw the line at taking the baby if she dies.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Later, at the meal, a fight breaks out between Amy and Rachel. Because nothing says Christmas, like family hitting each other.

Anyway, we all got into it, cheering them on. Until Chandler stepped up, getting them both to stop fighting and apologise to Monica for breaking one of her plates.

You know, he would have been a great dad. And now thinking about his life, I’m sad once again.

A feeling that gets worse when Monica says “it’s just a plate, it’s not like somebody died”.

And worse still, when Chandler accidentally breaks ALL the plates.

“Well, what do you know, guess I will be the one who dies first”.

Oh, my friend. Our friend. Why?

I don’t feel I have anything left to add. Except, to say thank you? Thank you for brightening up our lives.

In the past few weeks, one of the things I’ve hated, is how, though respectful, the whole media has presented his life as a sort of wasted potential.

They always present these “troubled souls” as some sort of failure.

Like a family ostracising anyone who dares step outside their acceptable norm.

Oh, you didn’t get married? Didn’t have kids? What a waste. Why can’t you be like us?

And yes, I can see the point in not glamourising self-destruction.

But, if you ask me, making millions of people laugh, earning enough money to retire at 35, dating Julia Roberts, partying like crazy, and using your own demons to help others.
​
Is that not actually a pretty successful life?

We start this week with me and Ross singing to our baby’s together. (Which is much better than how it ends.)

Sure, my child is 18 months now. But he’s so little he still feels like a baby. Maybe there is something in the youngest being treated like a baby for longer? We just can’t let go!

Ross’s song is much less appropriate than my choice: ‘The Wheel’s on the Bus’. It didn’t go unnoticed by my wife that, as I struggled to cope with our first child, I became obsessed with songs about parenthood. ‘Cats in the Cradle’, ‘Mother’ by Pink Floyd. ‘Baby Got Back’. As if they might provide me with a roadmap to getting through it.

Funnily enough, Ross has picked the third song today. Garnering baby Emma’s first laugh! Pfft. My child was laughing a year ago… Catch up Ross.

He gets in a bit of trouble when Rachel catch’s him singing it. But I don’t see the harm. At that age it doesn’t matter! We’ve only recently started being more careful with what we play around our children. I was gutted to have to remove one of my favourite Christmas songs from my playlist this year.

Warning: Contains very NSFW language, and very Australian humour.

Baby Got Back aside, Rachel is glad to hear about Emma’s first laugh, and desperate to repeat it. Those moments are all so special, and must have felt much more fleeting in the days before we could film every little thing.

Joey, who is somehow even stupider than last week (only just learning that we eat birds!), has come into a bit of money. Well, not literally come into some money. Though I wouldn’t put it past him…

He’s looking to buy some Real Estate and him and Chandler go to check out Richard’s old place. Yes, THAT Richard. The agent mistakes them for a couple and this gives Chandler a nice opportunity to try and one up Ross’s homophobia from last week.
​
But things take a darker turn when they find a tape with Monica’s name on it.

A SEX TAPE!?

Ah, the days before we could film every little moment…

Meanwhile, Phoebe is meeting Paul Rudd’s parents for the first time. Gosh they’re moving fast! David the Science Guy probably even hasn’t wiped off her lipstick yet.

She arrives all dolled up and hears the words every woman wants to hear “you look like my mum”. Oh Paul. For you I’d wear anything.

Phoebe tries a little too hard to make a good impression after finding out Paul Rudd’s parents are rich. Of COURSE they’re rich. He’s a musician.

She gets all insecure and posh’s up her voice. Before coming clean and telling a story about a pimp spitting in her mouth. It’s hard to say if this awkwardness is a result of her upbringing, or more evidence of some sort of undiagnosed neuro-divergence. But even by her standards she really pushes the boat out, going as far as telling Mrs Rudd how great her son is in bed!

I just hope she doesn’t go one step further and give her a sex tape.

Back at Chondler’s they HAVE gone one step further and STOLEN THE SEX TAPE!!

Monica catch’s them as they start watching it, and is horrified… until they find it’s been taped over. Wait. Isn’t this still bad??! Who cares if Richard’s kept it? Chandler and Joey watching it without her consent is way worse!

Back at the Rudd’s, things are going from bad to worse. Also, why are the parent’s friends there for such a big moment? Not especially fair on Phoebe.

Desperate to turn things around she sells out her principles and tucks into some veal for Paul Rudd. Which, as expressions of love go, is actually pretty sweet! Until she runs off to throw up. Wow this is the worst first meeting of parents ever. (Or should that be first meating?)

Thankfully it pays off! Paul Rudd declares his love for her for the first time, and they storm off after admitting she threw-up in the closet. This is all great that they love each other. But aren’t they going to have to see the parents again?? Not especially good long term planning there…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Once again, against my will, we’ve made our yearly trip to Winter “Wonderland”. To make things even better, the whole time it pissed it down.

But this did make the ice slide pretty sweet! I imagine. I was only able to watch with a very grumpy 18 month old stuck in a buggy.

And so I watched. As a man hurtled down with his child much too fast, both flying off at the end, and getting bloody faces.

As they were wheeled off to first aid, I looked back at the top, as my precious three year old, and (slightly less precious) wife climbed on their inflatable. Completely oblivious to what had just occurred below.

So, a moment of excitement became a moment of terror as I watched through my fingers to see if our trip to Winter Wonderland was about to be cut short by a trip to A and E.

Mercifully they made it down in one piece. (And both loved it!) So I was greatly relieved. Until I remembered this meant I was going to have to spend the rest of my day at Winter Wonderland.

Damn.

“The One With Depression”

Though I’ve tried to keep things light, I’ve made no secret of my struggles with mental health. And complicated relationship with alcohol.

​I can’t remember if I’ve shared my brief history of more extreme substances. The main reason I can’t remember, probably, being all the drugs and alcohol. This included a short (but thorough) Ketamine phase, when it was all the rage at Uni. Before all the horror stories started emerging of serious bladder/kidney damage.

Now, I am devastated to hear it was a contributing factor in Matthew Perry’s death.

One of the most widely shared sentiments following his death has been his pride in how many addicts he himself helped. Although I don’t want to speculate on his final moments, it is frustrating there will now be lingering questions over the extent to which it was accidental.

One of the hardest things when dealing with depression is the sense of a loss of hope. And every time we lose someone in this way it’s hard for it not to feed into our hopes and fears for ourselves.

What hope is there when one of the funniest men alive ends this way?

But it wasn’t his responsibility to serve as an example to others. I can only hope he didn’t feel that pressure at the end. Nor feel that he was letting the many people he helped down, whatever his final actions were.

Chandler is supposed to be in Tulsa. Or… dead. Depending on who you ask. I wonder if this is how fans of the Beatles felt after Paul “died”.

And yet he seems to still be spending most of his time in NYC.

Can’t we just stay here forever? I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. Except leave my kids behind. But you can have an arm and a leg.

Monica’s making him insecure by saying there’s someone at work who’s the funniest person she’s ever met. HELLO. Chandler’s right there! And I think he might be the funniest person I’ve ever met. I can think of few who made me laugh so much growing up.

Now, deriving all his worth from it, he’s TRYING to be funny. And there’s nothing worse than someone trying to be funny. Just ask my wife.

And yet, he’s being funny pretending to be a guy trying too hard to be funny. The man’s a genius. Sorry, was. Was a genius.

But here he still is, in NYC.

Can’t we stay here forever?

“The One With Bargaining”

Paul Rudd and Phoebe are getting closer. So cute. It’s nice she doesn’t seem bothered he’s divorced. But then, he is Paul Rudd…

I would say he’s a little young to be divorced. But I am Friends with Ross… I guess it’s a thing that happens now.

Though not quite a divorce, my wife’s brother has recently separated from his partner after twelve years. It is, of course, very sad. But he regularly goes on about how much money he earns; so at least now I have a solid chance to beat him at something! One more year, baby…

But who should come waltzing back into my life other than David the Science Guy! Sorry, wife, he’s the love of my life. I’m out of here. Aside from anything we share the same hair and glasses. It must be fate.

I thought it’s been ages since we saw him, but turns out he was in town two years ago. So… less presumptive to try and start things up again with Phoebe than I first thought. As we all remember, when they last saw each other she realised she was in love with him. But, OH NO, she’s with Paul Rudd now! (I guess I’ll have him all to myself.)

Talk about bad timing.

Monica, taking a break from pretending to find Chandler hilarious, comforts a torn Phoebe:
“Isn’t it ironic he came on the same day you exchanged keys?”

Err… no? It isn’t Ironic, Alanis. Shouldn’t you be cooking or something with your new funny boy?

Phoebe meets with David, and comes clean about Paul Rudd. And we get another heartrending sofa scene. As they come clean and look for loopholes with their goodbye kiss. Somewhat inevitably, given she’s just given him A KEY, Paul Rudd catches them at it! But she re-affirms her dedication to Ruddles and David avoids a, potentially, very nasty cat-fight with Ant-man.

It must have been difficult choice. But also, not… once the blinkers fade. It all comes down to Location, Location, Location. Ultimately it’s good she’s sticking with Paul Rudd I guess?
Still, I do wonder if she’s quietly devastated.

Chandler, Paul Rudd, and Ross are all having their fragile masculinity threatened in different ways.

​After struggling to find a nanny who doesn’t take drugs. (A struggle familiar to any parent with a younger sibling…) Rachel and Ross opt for a male nanny.

No, not that one.

Ross has a problem with this for both sexist, and homophobic reasons. Jeez. You think you know a guy…

If you ask me he should be grateful they’ve got a nanny. We struggle for evening childcare, as my wife has ruled out childcare from anyone we’re not related to. For… reasons? I’m not sure I agree. Seems to me someone with a financial incentive might treat our kids a little kinder than someone doing it out of a sense of duty and obligation.

I’m surprised they haven’t asked Joey. I mean, they better not ask me. I’m far too busy with my own kids. (OK, maybe you CAN take them if it means keeping Chandler…) But Joey is right there! To be fair, he does seem particularly dumb this week. Even paying the Manny for some one on one tutoring! I suppose they should be grateful the nanny IS a man with Joey acting like that.

Ross is being REALLY rude to the guy. And they end up firing him for no real reason other than Ross’s sexism. So weird. At least before he left the Manny got Ross to open up a little. And I’m pretty sure Joey can now count to five!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

​Santa came to town! A little early… but apparently he likes to scope out all the houses. Like some sort of wet bandit.

Every year, there’s a little charity thing near us where Santa drives his “sleigh” (read: trailer behind a van) round the neighbourhood so all the kids can see him.

We took the kids out. But were maybe a little too keen, and ended up waiting in the cold for quarter of an hour. Eventually to keep the eldest happy I decided to let her put her helmet on and have a little go on her bike in the dark. Which (it turns out) she found a lot more engaging than meeting Santa.

When he finally showed up we were all excited! (Mostly at the prospect of finally being able to go back indoors).

We ecstatically turned to our child:

“Look there he is! Do you want a photo with Santa?!”

And she nonchalantly replied:

“No I want to ride my bike”

And cycled off.

Better luck next year, Santa.