Nepotism is rife.

Chandler’s looking for his new job, and Monica’s hooked him up with a mate who works in advertising.

It turns out he needs to start with an unpaid internship, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth. But at least he doesn’t have to work in Yemen.

I, too, am sick of the WENUS. Like Chandler, a sideways jump would mean less money. And, after two kids, I’d rather die than have any less money than I already do.

Also. There’s no WAY Monica would be cool with Chandler quitting his job when they’re trying for a baby! Sure, my wife successfully tricked me into thinking they’d be much cheaper than they are, but no-one can be that blind to the costs!

Perhaps I was a little unfair to my wife there. We’re both doing fine now, and both working, but not quite in the way we expected. Somewhat unsurprisingly, despite our best efforts, it’s fallen on me to be the main breadwinner. And now I’m struggling to move any higher up without further qualifications.

Like a sneaky duck I’m left pondering “how can I win more of that bread?”

Phoebe is also strapped for cash so Joey’s got her a bit part in an episode of Days of our Lives™! (Directed by Charlotte’s husband from Sex and the City™)

It doesn’t take us long to find out he used to hit on all the extras. And then, when Phoebe gets too into the backstory he gave her, and shouts about him sleeping with her and never calling… half the extras accuse him of the same.

Could this be a big #MeToo moment?? No. It seems, without the power of social media, Joey is free to get them all fired. Including Phoebe. Jesus.

Don’t worry Phoebe, maybe you and Chandler can look for work together?

He’s decided he definitely wants to do advertising. Despite being abominable at slogans.
Inspired by his unique style, I’ve decided to come up with my own:

 “Friends. Like family, but you can sleep with them”

“The One With Chandlers Job”

After me chastising her for, once again, dangerously leaving Emma in a car seat, Rachel decides to head back to work to keep her oar in. Only to feel threatened by her maternity cover “SuperGavin”.

More like Sexy Gavin, if you ask me. Is it just me or is there sexual tension between these too?

Maybe it’s that, or probably it’s the fear of losing her job to him, but she decides to return to work sooner. I’d really like to think women having their jobs scalped whilst on maternity isn’t an issue anymore, but, sadly, I’m not hugely confident.

Rachel Number 2 is looking forward to her maternity. And it’s making me wistful for a time I didn’t have to work. I wish I could have taken a little longer with our latest. Just not as long as the first time... #Lockdown #NeverAgain

THAT’S when I really should have done some proper qualifications. Stupid babies.

But it was so easy to just take the time, have a little breakdown, and go back to the same job I’d been doing for five years.

Rachel is claiming she’s been at Ralph Lauren for five years. Which isn’t quite true. It’s actually been less than four.

She must have baby brain… But she won’t let that stop her working her ass off to catch up for the big presentation Gavin prepared. Just let him do it already! You don’t need this toxic feminity/masculinity/capitalisticness in your life, babe.

I feel for my Friends this week. Most of us seem to be struggling with the demands of juggling a career and parenthood. And none moreso than Chandler, who hasn’t even had the kids yet! He decides to take the difficult step of telling Monica he now wants to wait a few years.

Now… Normally I’d be on the guys side in this situation (especially given my own experience) but, guys, you’re already pretty old at this point! I know I can’t talk, but you really should have sorted this out by now Chandler.

After doing it for four years, I do think we did it at the right time. Any earlier and we wouldn’t have been as secure. Any later and I’d probably spend most of the time dying from exhaustion.

Ross is round, and wants to make a quick exit before Chandler broaches this sensitive topic with Monica. But first tries to be the ultimate wingman, pretending to search for a tie so Chandler can NOT have sex with Monica.

But she’s not having it and makes it awkward for her big brother, who hastily retreats exclaiming “you know what, I can do without a tie.” How very modern!

Chandler turns the tables by faking an orgasm. Hrrm, maybe I should have left when Ross did…

And they have the discussion, deciding that they will keep trying, and he doesn’t have to go back to his job:

Statistical Analysis and Data Reconfiguration.

Well, what a waste of time that was. But at least we now know the answer to a great pub quiz question:

What does Chandler actually do for a job?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My wife had Laser Eye Surgery last week.

Unfortunately for me, this meant that when my child was sent home from school with explosive diarrhoea, I had to deal with it.

What do you mean you can’t risk getting poo in your eyes?!?

I don’t believe this. Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr Drake Ramoray assured me that, yes, she can’t risk infection and I would have to come home from my important job. Being an extra in Days of Our Lives™

I told Charlotte’s husband I had to dash home. And all was well in the end.

This morning my boss asked how the poo child was doing, and I said she was all fine, but my wife’s eyes were still very bloody.

I then noticed the shocked reaction on my other colleagues face. And realised they had no idea she’d had eye surgery.
​
What they initially must have thought happened, I have no idea.

Like me spending New Years away from my wife for the first time (Her: “Is this the beginning of the end? You better not cheat on me!”) Chandler’s spending Christmas away in Tulsa. Ah, Away in Tulsa. That lesser known Christmas carol…

It does seem exceedingly harsh for him to be working both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. But then… transpondster’s gotta transpond.

It’s made worse by him being the manager and having to keep his subordinates there too. But he’s OK with it. After all, who actually likes their job?

Apparently all our other Friends.

I’m on the fence about mine. It’s hard to believe it’s already been two years… Once again, this was not quite the plan. But with the family I’m too busy to look for anything else and it’s all rather cushty. With two weeks off between Christmas and New Years. Take THAT Chandler.

But it does drag on a little. All those little annoying bits? Where things don’t work quite the way they should? They grind against my teeth with every passing day.

But that’s every job isn’t it? Isn’t it?!?

“The One With New Years In Tulsa”

Over in Tulsa, Chandler’s moaning about having to work right up till Christmas, then being stuck in a hotel room for the night.

If you ask me he should be happy he’s gonna get a night of un-interrupted sleep!

Through a mixture of teething and all the winter bugs, our eighteen month old has been a nightmare at night recently. Can’t believe it’s been almost four years of dealing with this nonsense.

I’m not sure I was even sleeping well before then to be honest. The other day I turned to my wife and observed that “one of the weird things about aging, which no-one tells you about, is one day you stop waking up feeling fully rested, and that’s just it for the rest of your life.”

We tried to work out when it changed for me. Realised it was roundabout the time we started sleeping together. And she sheepishly admitted to kicking me every time I snore.

Et tu, Brutus?

It’s nice to look back and reminisce isn’t it. Just not when you’re trying to hang out with your Friends. And here’s Chandler remembering some of their past Christmas’s together.

God I hate weeks like these. Oh, the flashbacks. And it’s even worse being reminded your Friends used to be funnier and more full of life (and in some cases, drugs).

But, there are few thing’s more Christmassy than looking back. And it’s nice to remember the time Phoebe wrote a song about all of us:

Monica, Monica, 
Have a Happy Hanukkah!
Saw Santa Claus,
He said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey,
Christmas will be snowy!!
And Rachel and Chandler,
Our friend from London would be here
but Rudolf broke an antler.

(Although this does also remind me of all the times my estranged sister suggested writing a song as a present for my children… Before me telling her that they’d probably find it a bit weird to get a video from someone they haven’t seen for a year singing a song they don’t know, and would much prefer a toy.)

With the exception of one mate’s Christmas party (which we only seem to make once every three years) we haven’t done anything proper Christmassy with friends for years now. So I always find it frustrating when my American Friends tell me about them all hanging out exchanging presents.

I guess I’m with Chandler this year.

He sends everyone home early. But one colleague (who’s a Manic Pixie Dream Girl at best, and astonishingly hot at worst) decides to stay behind.
​
“Oh Margy, you came and you gave me a turkey…”

​Will this be another year someone sticks their “head” in a “Turkey”?

(Dear God, I am so sorry…)

Weirdly, she DOES immediately hit on him. But only after overhearing a phone call in which Monica is paranoid about it happening.

Come on. We’re not seriously saying this is Monica’s fault now?

Oh great. More flashbacks. This time it’s Chandler and Monica’s relationship.

AT LEAST THE CHRISTMAS STUFF WAS TOPICAL.

Though it is good to remember happy memories if you’re taking your partner for granted.

It’s strange to think, in all the time I’m known them, Chandler and Monica have now been together longer than they’ve been apart! Come on, Chandler. Don’t blow this up!

And then. He’s back! Left the office early and flew home for Christmas. Like Chris Rea, with air miles.

But he tells them all he’s quit??

Why would he do that? He's the Manager, couldn’t he just have knocked off early to fly home, then flown back again after Christmas day? Wow. He must really hate his job. Or Wendy. Wendy? Mindy? Why do they always have names like that? Honestly, if the great writer’s in the sky had any guts, they would have had him sleep with her. Perhaps it was just too cliché.

As for me? My wife needn’t have worried. I was far too busy getting drunk to hit it off with anyone on New Years. I went to see one of my old bands play. And to ensure I left the second they finished playing (to make the final train in time) I determined to stop drinking the moment they hit the stage.

The next day I checked my bank statement. It turned out I’d had three pints. During their set alone. Ooops.

The perfect final blowout.

Adieu alcohol, till we meet again.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My eighteen month is continuing his campaign to be objectively worse than the first in almost every way. Though at least he hasn’t tried to get his hands on any more alcohol.

His new thing is throwing things in the toilet. Which, in the hands of a competent scriptwriter would no doubt be hilarious.
​
But in my life gives me a strong desire to flush my own head down the toilet.

Even with the holidays, everyone’s struggling to find time this week.

Rachel and Ross are finding it hard to go out and let their hair down. Chandler can only come back for one day see Monica or Joey. And my wife and I are agonizing over who gets to do what for New Years.

Yet Ross still manages to find the time to openly stare at Rachel’s tits.

He gets a pass as he’s staying in with the baby so Rachel can go out properly for the first time. And he’s invited Paul Rudd over for the evening. How sweet!

You better not make any moves Ross! Rudd is mine….

“The One With the Alcoholics”

In the end, I needn’t have worried. It turns out Ross and Rudd have zero chemistry. Their awkward chat taking me right back to the office Christmas party. (At least we had karaoke!)

To be fair to Ross (as much as I’m loathe to be fair to Ross at this point), he does put in a fair bit more effort than Rudd, who ruthlessly crushes every conversation starter with a monosyllabic answer. Who does he think he is, my dad?

Couldn’t he at least tell us about the time he was in Clueless™?

They end up spending the whole time drinking and waiting around doing very little. Not dissimilar to my experience of Christmas as a parent.

To preserve his night with Monica, Chandler pretends he’s not around to Joey. This leads to Joey suspecting her of an affair!

Honestly, this is the point Joey has become an absolute moron. All the unresolved feelings for Rachel must have finally pushed him into full blown alcoholism.

Once the affair stuff is straightened out, Monica agrees to let Chandler go out to a game with Joey. A gesture mirrored by my own wife letting me do my own thing for New Years for the first time since getting together. This is especially welcome as, like Joey, I’ve been drinking far too much, and it’s going to be great having one last blowout before I stop again come January.

But it all goes to pot when it turns out Joey got the wrong date for the game! They comfort him:

“Aw, nobody think’s your stupid, Jo”

Err… I do.

Speaking of stupidity. Why wouldn’t Paul Rudd just leave after they ate their pizza?? Surely once you’ve eaten there’s no obligation to stay? He’s still there now. Maybe, he too, can’t turn down the offer of free beer?

Rachel and Phoebe are also sensing the opportunity for some free booze. Leading some guys on in a club. I say “leading on” to be honest it’s absolutely fair for Rachel to give a guy her number if she wants to! But she confides in Phoebe that she feels guilty after getting excited earlier by a bit of eye contact from Ross. I’m not surprised she was so affected by it. Given how much time he spends looking at her tits.

Hang on a minute. She’s waiting around for Ross?!? If she wants to be with him why isn’t she just telling him? Did he say he didn’t want to be with her at some point? Wasn’t he basically saying “I’ll be there for you” only a few months ago?? I’m really lost at this point.

Lost like Rudd who’s, fortunately, still at Ross’s to be press-ganged into attempting to intercept any calls from the guy from the bar. Again... Why shouldn’t she be able to give away her phone number?!

It ends up being Ross who takes the message.

Before deciding he doesn’t want to give her the option of escape and crumpling it up.

Deeply controlling, and not a little bit sinister.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The pull of alcohol is strong in my family.

​My father has it.

I have it.

And my…

Son has it?

Yes he appears to be getting in there early, after my foolish brother-in-law left a half drunk bottle of beer on the floor on Christmas. In one chaotic moment we all looked over to see him (my son, not brother-in-law) attempting to take a sip from it, before I dashed over and wrestled if off of him.
​
This, unfortunately, turned out to be the start of something. And the next day at my parents, whilst unwrapping presents, he managed to sneakily grab my dad’s glass of red and run across the room with it, spilling it all over the carpet.

I wouldn’t have minded, he didn’t drink any, and it’s not my carpet.

But my dad was so annoyed at being blamed for it he stormed out and refused to open his presents.
​
Honestly. Who’s the real baby here?