Rachel’s a bit of a panicky parent. Fully understandable after we all went through the pandemic.

She keeps calling her, hilariously named, Paediatrician “Dr Wiener” on a nifty, and very retro, flip phone.

Man how privileged are you to have a doctors PERSONAL phone number?!

Speaking of privilege… I lost track of how many times we’ve messaged our own doctor friend (Dr Phalange) over every minor ailment our kids have. Like Ross I am prone to spout off on things I know very little about. At least Ross has some experience in parenting! And I suppose is technically a doctor… And yet Rachel will not listen to him.

After his behaviour in the Paediatricians office, perhaps it’s wise not to trust him when it comes to kids….

We found out he’s secretly still going to see his Paediatrician. Complete with free lolly pop!

He even met a nice woman there! Till he freaked her out by trying to hide the fact it was him seeing the doctor by stealing a kid. And then yelling at them all.

What will that kooky guy do next?

 “The One Where the Americans Spell Paediatrician Wrong”

After agreeing to take the job in Tulsa, Chandler and Monica have a bit of a dramatic choice! And things get even more tricky when Monica also gets offered a sweet new job. Man, they’re lucky they don’t have kids… imagine trying to sort this out then? I don’t think they’d both be able to take the jobs. And I think we all know which one would end up missing out…

In the end, being child free, they decide to go for it, and risk their marriage with Chandler working four days a week in Tulsa and Monica staying in Manhattan.

I’m not sure I consider this as big of a deal as they do? Maybe because I’m used to going round by myself. (If anything, I’m deeply jealous of the many childfree members of my current team who regularly fly round the globe for work). I feel like a few of my other friends have had an arrangement like this at some point. Though you wouldn’t want it to become the norm.

Yet, everyone acts like this is the end of the world, turning up to see him off on the first day!

Guys. He’s only going for four days. Though I guess when you shirk off work so much to hang out in a coffee shop this probably is a bit of a bigger deal…

But life goes on. Joey and Phoebe decide to set each other up on a double date! I’m not sure I’ve ever done a double date… Am I missing out? I suppose we’ve hung out as a married couple with another pair at times. But I’m not sure that’s the same.

We talk about doing this a lot more than we do it. Given how hard it now is to arrange a date (due to childcare) AND how difficult it is to arrange seeing my friends, I can’t imagine ever making the stars align on this one.

Joey and Phoebe barely even make it work, after he forgets to find someone, searching through his (again) rather retro little black book.
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In the end he gets a guy who looks like a shockingly young Paul Rudd! (AT LAST…)

​OoOO I hope he’s here to stay…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I did actually manage to see a large amount of UK friends today!

A bunch of us took the kids to a castle as David the Science Guy is in town. I’d like to say it was great to catch up. But spent most of the time trying to stop my kids being attacked by a goose.

The problem with eighteen month olds is they run round like nutters and have no fear. Which isn’t terrible when both parents are there. Or when you’re at home. But is a little difficult when you’re in a place with a bunch of wild animals running round, lots of muddy puddles, and an open fire pit.

I’m also the only one with two running round (with the exception of Dr Phalanges, older, kids).

It was frustrating seeing my mates coping better with their outnumbered opponents. Though I did wonder if theirs were simply better behaved…

​In the end I decided to leave nothing to chance, pulled a Ross, and stole one of the better behaved ones. Leaving mine to the Geese.

We’re back from holiday, and Rachel (and Emma) are back from the hospital.

Fair to say I’ve got a bit of post holiday blues. Despite being back for several weeks. It’s hard not to wonder if this is it now. Feeling crap and dissatisfied most of the time, praying for a holiday, getting a little one week break where a ray of light comes in, then it’s over. Back to all work and no play. A dull boy indeed.

Hopefully Rachel will have a better time of it.

“The One With the Mancrush”

Returning to work didn’t start too badly.

We had a big two day meeting where everyone gets a chance to get together. I felt involved and got on top of things. But then it goes back to working from home. Sitting in a box, watching the world go by on a screen as my life ticks down. All the while feeling a permanent sense of exhaustion.

Chandler, although seemingly better at his job than me, is struggling with being overtired too. And he hasn’t even got children yet! We really need to legitimise naps as part of the working day. Chandler ends up having a cheeky one in the office. Which I guess would have been fine. Just not DURING a meeting. Woken from his slumber, he desperately guesses a “yes” in a response to a question he didn’t hear, to discover he’s agreed to move to Oklahoma! (Queue gay joke...)

Monica’s not happy about it, so Chandler goes to set the record straight. I’ve no idea why he opens by telling his boss he fell asleep? Dude. Just tell them you talked it over with your wife and she didn’t want to move. They’ll understand.

Monica’s a little pre-occupied helping look after her niece. Yes, niece! It’s amazing how often I forget her and Ross are siblings… Almost as often as Ross forgets about Ben.

In a scene that could be straight out of my own life, Ross realises he’s left the nappies in the hospital and goes out to get more. Ah, pulling the old “someone needs to do this task!” trick to get out of looking after the kid itself. You can tell he’s not a first time dad. 

Perhaps he did just forget? It’s easy to make that sort of mistake, especially when you’re sleep deprived. (Ask Chandler). It reminds me of the time we took our first born for a check up, only for her to have a massive “Poonami™” and us realise we hadn’t brought spare clothes. We’ve had few parent moments as embarrassing as taking our baby home from a hospital wearing nothing but a towel.

But what did you expect me to do? My clothes were covered in poo.

Ross heads out with “best friend” Joey (REALLY ROSS, I’m right here) to get more nappies, and a chance to clear the air over Joey’s “proposal”. It’s fair to say it doesn’t go great, after he discovers Joey can neither “understand” quotation marks, nor hold still long enough to take the punch he promises Ross to make up for things.

I tell you, Gunther’s face was an absolute picture when Ross hit a pipe instead.

So this time it’s Ross’s turn for a trip to the hospital. With a bandaged hand he can’t even fill in the admissions form! Joey offers to help, despite not knowing his profession or date of birth. To be honest, I’m just impressed Joey can write.

I feel there’s a bit of a lost art of knowing your friends birthdays. One of those things superceded by modern technology. Or maybe I’m just a terrible friend? But if you ask me, Joey’s ahead of the curve on this one.

More confusingly, he says he thinks Rachel and Ross are meant to be together. Errm, what? If you think that why have you spent the last six months trying to be with her??

Somewhat typically, the women have all been left with a crying baby. I don’t want to “mansplain” “babies” here, but from my experience with newborns, she’s probably hungry.
That first time is a nightmare. When you don’t know what to do and you keep getting more stressed and that makes the baby more stressed and it’s like that every time something new or unexpected upsets them for, I guess, the next eighteen years?

If only the girls had a parent around who’d done it already… I mean Ross, not me. There’s no way I’m getting involved. Imagine a preppy English man trying to tell three women how to parent to their faces.

In the end, Monica has the magic touch, getting the baby to sleep and allowing Phoebe (and me) to hear the voices in our head again. Sorry, guys, whilst I’m delighted to find more evidence of Phoebe’s neurodivergence, do you mind if I duck out for bit? It’s bad enough constantly being bounced between two children screaming without adding a third.

And yet, I was speaking to Rachel Number One and Ross Number Two the other day about their impending parenthood. And found myself offering to help if they ever need it. Don’t know what came over me. Maybe I’m just excited they finally live a bit closer again?

Ross No. 2 called me out on this “thought you’d be sick of it?” Well yes (evidently), but the problem is, you always want to go back. By the time you’ve learned the lesson enough to actually enjoy the kid, they’ve moved onto the next stage.

And also, I think doing the whole thing as a bunch of friends/family rather than just two people might have been far more pleasant.

We are built to be a small tribe, ducking in and helping each other out. Yet we insist on the nuclear family, and that becomes the nucleus of families, and then you’re left with little time for your friends. The people you find it easiest to talk openly with about what the experience is actually like.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had a slight delay getting back from our holiday.

We loaded everything into the car only to find it wouldn’t start! Long term readers will know I’m quite unlucky with cars. And it appeared that, once again, I’d somehow drained the battery, without even using the car.
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Not to fear though! Help was on the way, in the form of a rugged, older, Welsh man.

​No sooner had he discovered how little I knew about cars, he delighted in telling me every little thing he could whilst getting to work.

So am I now an expert in cars too?

​Nope. I was far too busy thinking how sexy he was to listen.