Rachel and Ross have had a baby! No, not those ones. The other ones, in England. It’s all very exciting and we’re going to visit imminently.

Hopefully it’ll go better for them than their New York namesakes. Ross has just booted Rachel out, and immediately asks Joey for a new person to get with. Jeez he’s not wasting any time! Wasn’t it only last week he was annoyed at Rachel for trying to date people??

Not that it matters as she’s doing the same. You’d think, having recently been made homeless, she’d have bigger priorities. Oh wait. I can see why she’d want to get straight on finding a man… That rent won’t pay itself.

Joey and Phoebe hatch a dastardly plan (over a jar of baby food); to set both Rachel and Ross up with terrible people to get them back together.

I hate those little ready-made baby food things. Absolute ripoff. Packaging’s a nightmare for the environment. And they only really need that sort of food for a couple of months anyway. Just get a blender/fork/fists and smash some stuff up!

“The One With the Transphobic Hat Crime”

Chandler’s still got a lot of free time, what with the “no job” thing. So him and Monica are babysitting Emma whilst Rachel goes on her blind date. No mention of Monica’s job, but there you go.

It must have been weird doing blind dates before dating apps. Going to a random place, no idea what you’re getting, not knowing if they’re even going to show up! And all the while, the endless fear, that at any point, Cilla Black might show up and start asking you for your best chat-up line. (Personally, I’m currently workshopping “wanna find out how good the surgeon who did my vasectomy was?”)
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Ross ends up with a no show (good.) And Rachel ends up with… OH MY GOD. It’s this guy.

I Lovitz.

I’m delighted to see him back, but he doesn’t seem to have been doing so great these past eight years. Still taking drugs and he’s lost his restaurant. Looks like Monica made a lucky escape in not working for him!

He gives Rachel the worst date ever. Or one of them. I found out recently a Real Live Friend once had three separate dates that ALL ended in the date talking about how much they hated their job and crying. TBH I’m a little relieved I’m not dating, as I’d probably endup doing similar…

In the end Rachel and Ross rumble Joey and Phoebe, who flee to Mexico. Presumably never to be seen again.

Chandler and Monica have no need for chat up lines. They can simply check the calendar to see if she’s ovulating. Or, in this case, find out they’ve got the date wrong, and panic about the ethics of shagging whilst babysitting someone else’s kid. They make some fair points: the kid’s not aware of anything yet, won’t remember etc. But I think you’d probably draw the line over it not being your child?! Surely it’s just too icky?
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Not so for Monica and Chandler it seems. They take a leaf out of Princess Superstar’s book and become bad babysitters.

I suppose we should be relieved they went into the bedroom at least? But it leaves Joey confused when he comes in (presumably looking for more baby food?) to find them bonking, and he decides to steal Emma.

Let’s hope I don’t get the urge when I go visit Rachel and Ross Number 1.

Wait. I mean, the urge to steal the baby! Although, I guess either would be terrible.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I have struggled a little to control certain urges lately… Nothing weird! But I did something every impulsive the other night.

Late at night on the train home, there was a deeply unpleasant man abusing a trans passenger, forcing them to move down the carriage and leaving them crying. The man went one further when a friend of the trans person got off the train to move down the carriage, shouting at them that he’d batter them if they tried to get back on the train.

After a full twenty minutes of this guy really not having any awareness of how awful he was being, continuing his tirade, “joking” about the situation, threatening anyone who dared question him or asked him to be quiet, the situation was very tense, almost as if he was begging someone to escalate to his level so he could kick off properly.

When it came to my station I realised I’d have to walk right past him to get off the train. Despite very much wanting to hurt him at this point. As I walked towards him I realised he was wearing a stupid little sports cap and before I knew what was happening my left arm was shooting up, taking it off his head and I began running along the platform. Casting the hat aside like a man throwing meat at an attack dog he very much doesn’t want to be caught by.

To my surprise the man seemed to care more about his hat and getting back on the train. Despite my best hope the doors would shut behind him, leaving the passengers free to enjoy the remainder of their journey.

In the spur of the moment, I uttered the best bon mot I could think of “You… Ya. You’re a wanker, mate.” And continued hastily walking to the exit, shocked by what I’d done.

I’m sure it didn’t help the situation, but I guess I wanted to get back at him in some small way, and to let the victims know they weren’t alone. And that everyone on that train thought this guy was a grade A bellend.
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And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go look at other jobs because there’s no way I’m getting that trainline again. What if I bump into him?

We’re back, on a brand new TV! But only a day has passed for my Friends™, as Ross grapples with how to cope with seeing Rachel and Gavin kiss. It turns out… badly.

“The One Where Ross, Just Still Sucks”

It seems to me a lot of Ross’s insecurity comes from being an elder single. Chandler makes some good points about the secure, married, life being better than running round after dates. But that’s what Ross’s stuck with, in a bid to compete with Rachel.

Chandler agrees to help, and him and Ross end up being so weird to two women in the coffee house they just straight up leave. Should have asked if they could speak to Angela.

We’ve just received some exciting, related, news in the form of Chandler Number One revealing they now have a boyfriend! (Reminder that my Chandler’s a girl… Chandler’s a girl… Chandler’s a girl…)

Poor Ross, forever alone. I have to say, at this point, I did expect a lot more of us would have separated. Perhaps New Yorker’s have a more relaxed attitude to divorce? Maybe there is something in the power of the Church of England after all…

It’s all getting a bit much for Rachel. Not only does she work with Gavin, but things are all very complex with the big baby. And Emma too… (Ross is the big baby.)

She calls in sick to avoid Gavin and he comes round her house to check up on her. Is this romantic or is he creeping harder than Ross? Just kidding. No-one is worse than Ross. Rachel is literally scared of him catching Gavin in the apartment! Possibly with good reason. Given how he acted when he was telling Chandler about seeing the kiss.

Joey’s getting his eyebrows done! Which is giving me horrific flashbacks to accidentally getting my nose waxed at a Turkish barbers over Christmas™. It’s interesting to think male grooming is often presented as a liberal, metrosexual, Western thing but really it’s got a rich worldwide history.

Joey ends up wussing out after one eyebrow. Which reminds me of a girl in school who, one day, came in with fully shaved eyebrows after some hurtful comments from other kids. And now all the kids are doing it! That girl was ahead of her time.

Elsewhere, Paul Rudd is running karaoke. And Phoebe convinces Monica to sing (although, like all of us, she secretly wants to anyway). Monica goes down much better than expected! (steady). On account of her top being see-through under a spotlight. (Steady, steady…)

Chandler tries to intervene to protect his wifes honour. But she decides she’s into the attention and owns it. You go girl!!

Ross is still on the hunt for a new woman, despite criticising Rachel for finding someonewithout even looking for it. I’m starting to sense a pattern here. Rachel does something relatively innocuous. Ross retaliates in a disproportionate way. Hilarity ensues. He ends up with the most vulnerable/crazy woman he could possibly find. And ALL just to get back at Rachel. AND right as Rachel has put the stopper on Gavin and is about to come clean.

Obviously it all backfires as Ross, jealously, tells Rachel about (abusively) tearing up her answer phone message. Rachel responds “Ross, this is so messed up!” And she’s not wrong. He’s far too immature to handle the, slightly more complex than traditional, set-up they’ve found themselves in.

And Rachel is the one that suffers… forced to move back in with Joey.

At least they can do each others eyebrows.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Just a quick one to say that we went to the Life-Sized Monopoly™ in central London recently. And it was actually really good!

​I’d recommend it to any group of mates looking for a few hours of non-alcoholic fun.