“Did you see this on a TV show?”
“I don’t remember that episode of friends” my wife replied.
“Not Friends™, a different show. Also it’s Friends™, not ‘friends’” I retorted.
Look, it’d be great; I can travel the country, staying wherever I want. It’s like that old dream of mine to have a riverboat. But, it gets over all the problems of that! Not as small, not limited by canals, no risk of drunkenly drowning.”
“Not, ALL the problems.”
“Yep! Even the internet one’s fixed now I can use my smart phone as a router.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this… You’re not getting a motorhome. Have you seen how much they cost?! You know how much I hate camping, and, needn’t I remind you, we have a baby now?? She’d hate it.”
“I’d be using it for holidays by myself though.”
“Oh. Yes, you’re right. I think my imagination has got a bit carried away.”
“You don’t say…”
And so I’ve given up on that idea. No travelling the open road, making the most of the end of lockdown, the wind in my hair and my bed under the stars. But a man can dream…
“The One Without the Motorhome”
My Friends™ are wondering what might have been too. All the big questions. What if Ross hadn’t found out his wife was a lesbian? What if Chandler has quit his job? What if Monica was still fat?
This is one of the problems with lockdown. There’s so much time to think things, inevitably thoughts turn to how things could have been different. Even if New York is seemingly unaffected by the pandemic.
Would the grass be greener on the otherside? Or would we be living in some darker timeline?
It’s a bit like “Friends™ does Rick and Morty” and, fortunately for me, is a great opportunity to catch up! As presumably these two episodes don’t actually have any time passing, so keep your eyes peeled for part 2 next week.
But what about me in this alternate universe?
I would almost certainly be making questionable fashion choices like Chandlers backwards cap.
That’s not much different to now, seeing as I’ve now almost finished growing my Rachel.
“We get 50/50 bread, because I like white, and my wife likes brown. So we get compromise bread that’s halfway in between and not as good as either, which is exactly what marriage is like.”
“Hey guys, anyone here on Tindr™?? Woo, yerh! You know it’s a lot older than you’d think. In fact, when she died, even Joan of Arc was on tinder.”
I honestly don’t know what’s worse…
Oh wait, I do. Joey and Rachel hooking up because she’s a big fan of Days of our Lives™. Joey and Rachel together?? That’d be ridiculous.
Any more ridiculous than me being with Rachel Number 1, Doctor Phalange, or Chandler Number 1?
Ok, fair enough…
Ross taking up Karat-AY is eerily close to me wanting to take up boxing. Unlike him that’s to get revenge on my brother-in-law instead of out of sexual frustration.
Monica, too, seems happier with how things are now. Good for her! I’m usually quick to defend the show about the fat jokes about Monica, but it does seem to go a little far in this episode. She’s not even that fat, and yet apparently it means she’s a thirty year old virgin. Oh Monica, do you really have that low an opinion of yourself?
I don’t think we’ve ever found out how the Friends™ met Phoebe. But apparently she’d still hang out with us if she was a millionaire. Popping into Central Perk™ whilst rushing round selling stocks and bonds. Gunther would be lucky man with the tips she could give.
It’s a bit odd they all still know each other really, sure they’re only changing one thing, but wouldn’t the butterfly effect have swung this way out of control? I suppose it’s because their stopping off points are after the age people make most of their friends.
I’d probably have mostly the same friends too. Apart from in my job, and people my wife knows, I’ve barely made any new mates in the past decade. Unless you count the Friends. Which I definitely do.
Oh God. What if I’d never met them? A world without Friends™? It doesn’t bare thinking about.
Chandler being hired by Joey makes me think of another thing that would be different. What if I didn’t work for MY friends? My bosses are nowhere near as bad as Joey, but I do often wonder how things would be different if I’d stuck with my original plan of switching jobs every couple of years.
Based on how stressed I am without doing that I’d probably end up like Phoebe.
Heart attack at thirty-one.
And if I was still smoking? Jesus, I’d be more than three grand worse off from that alone.
It’s difficult to know after my little dalliance with mental health issues, but I’m now reasonably satisfied I’ve yet to have a heart attack.
A few months back I was driving home with the baby. And felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unlike anything I’d felt before. I was left with my heart pounding, sweaty palms, feeling weak and had to do the responsible thing: pull over, and call my mum to help. Not at all emasculating.
Now, after weeks of therapy, I realised it was very shortly after Dr Phalange told me, thanks to my diet, body type, and history of smoking, I was a primo risk for a heart condition.
So naturally when I felt a twinge in my chest from anxiety, I had what is known as a “catastrophic, misinterpretation reaction” where my body flew into panic. A vicious cycle of heart pounding, leading to more oxygen, leading to more worry, leading to heart beating faster, leading to the assumption I’d had a heart attack.
I wonder what life would have been like without a pandemic, would I have still gone through that then? What about with a pandemic but no child? Would my wife have shrugged off the virus with the relative ease that I did? No need to deal with it all.
Would we have been free to do something else? Move to Australia, get a motorhome, and wait for all this to blow over?
I guess we’ll never know, never know, never know…
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
A short one.
After realising it’s been over a year of me not painting the fence, I painted the fence!!
It’s dried nicely now. And I can clearly see I’ve painted it a different shade to the ones next to it.