Looks like I spoke too soon on the well behaved baby front.

She’s now taking control a lot more! Refusing food, climbing out the bath with little warning she’s done, and gleefully shaking her head and continuing when you tell her to stop playing with plug sockets.

But, and this seems to be a big bit of parenting so far, I can comfort myself by saying “well it could always be worse”. One unnamed Real Live Friend had to deal with their baby habitually running into the corner of the room at bedtime and pissing on the carpet.

Potty training cannot come soon enough!

“The One With the Holiday Cabins”

It’s a bit weird going through this parenting thing whilst so many of my friends are at different stages of their life. Joey’s swanning round engaging in a casual bit of adultery, Ross is dating his student, and the women are all looking at wedding venues when they’re not even engaged! Hey girls, don’t worry, there’s no pressure to keep up with me.

Rachel persuades Monica to book a wedding venue in advance, just in case. After all, what if they get two years down the line, and have to wait another two years? “Chandler can’t wait that long!”.

Babez, do you know Chandler at all??

She’s not proving to be the best judge of character as Elizabeth’s dad turns out to be a lot less cool than he first seemed too.​

(A nice chance for Bruce Willis to show off a bit of comedic flare.)

Elizabeth’s family cabin is super nice. If anything the locales ruined by the classic “double-booked” storyline. I feel like I saw exactly the same story in Schitt’s Creek™ the other day. (Incidentally, it’s not a patch on Friends™ but it is brilliant being able to watch a show without having to wait two weeks between each episode).

I’m finding it difficult imagining myself twenty years from now in Bruce Willis’s shoes. You’re trying to have a nice romantic weekend, when your daughter shows up with one of her professors who you expressly forbade her from dating. I’d hate things to end up like that. Mostly because I don’t want to lose my hair.

Also Ross somehow get’s out of it by embarrassing Paul into letting him stay. Tacitly threatening to reveal the details of Paul’s warm up routine to Rachel. I really don’t think that would work, surely Paul isn’t that insecure? I mean, he looks like Bruce Willis for Christ’s sake!

They seem to be limping to the end of the season a bit, but the day is saved by Chandler returning from the wedding venue and revealing to Phoebe he’s going to propose!!

I guess I’M the one who doesn’t know Chandler at all.

It’s nice for Chandler to tell us first. I can’t recall if I told any of my friends about the proposal, but I suspect I mentioned it to one or two.

I told my wife’s mum beforehand. Not to be so traditional as to ask permission, but my wife had always made it clear her mum would like to know. Plus I guess that way I’d have someone to blame if she didn’t say yes!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had our own cabin stay recently, in a way. With restrictions lifting we went on a little family trip to Centre Parcs™. If you don’t know, it’s basically the world’s most middle class holiday camp, where you can enjoy the smells and sights of a forest, without being in anyway isolated from the luxuries of the modern world.

You’ve got your water park, complete with brilliant slides, rapids and wave machine, and all the fun activities a child could hope to enjoy! Except in our case, all the children were either under two or over thirty. So there weren’t that many activities which were age appropriate. And it didn’t help that you now had to book onto them all in advance due to Covid rules.

But we did manage to do a bit of Double Kayaking! This was equal parts fun and terrifying as I noticed my, much too big, wedding ring hadn’t been safely stowed away before boarding. Everytime my wife readjusted her position I could see myself falling in the water and recreating the bit at the start of The Lord of the Rings™ where the ring is lost for a thousand years.

We also had an exceptionally unsuccessful attempt to organise bowling.

I took a surprising amount of initiative, by my standards, and booked a few of us into a late night bowling session. That way we could be sure to do something free from the kids one evening. But come the night itself, as we got closer and closer to the timeslot my wife got more and more tired, as my nephew got more and more awake. In the end it was just me and my brother-in-law, with my wife stuck in bed, and my sister stuck trying to get her child to sleep. And they said parenthood wouldn’t be a barrier to doing things…
​
We did have fun, all in all, with the exception of my dad who had a busted knee and spent the whole weekend in the cabin watching TV. To be fair, that’s probably what he would have been doing at home, so I think he enjoyed himself the most in the end.

Shoulda called this “the one with the stunt casting”.

Yep, Elizabeth’s dad is John McClane himself: Bruce Willis.

I wonder if he’ll drop Ross off the top of Nakatomi Plaza?

He’s certainly not happy about his daughter’s new relationship… Or maybe he’s just annoyed to be in Friends™ hot off the back of The Sixth Sense™?

“Somebody get my agent on the phone!!”

And hey, speaking of agents, for me, the REAL exciting bit of casting this week is Estelle being back.

Having said that, in this (all two brief) appearance she does seem a bit of a caricature compared to Bruce. He gives a measured performance as a man who has everything (including his daughter’s best interest at heart).

It’s worth remembering too that, even from the start, Friends™ wasn’t afraid to splash a bit of cash on a guest star. We had Clooney in Season 1, and who could forget the Van Damme and Julia Roberts fiasco.

But there is something about Bruce that seems in another league. At this point he’s fresh off a decade of blockbusters:

Die Hard (1, 2 and 3), Pulp Fiction, Armageddon, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.

It’s a bit like if Robert Downey Jnr popped up in Brooklyn Nine-Nine now.

The other expensive guest star floating around is C.H.E.E.S.E.

He’s supposed to look shitty, but I’m actually impressed they made a functioning robot for Joey’s new sidekick in his TV show!

There’s something wonderful about those dead eyes, and I think the designer’s did a real good job of nailing a look that says to Joey “maybe this show isn’t gona be as great as I thought?” But, after insulting the Robot’s actual maker... Sorry, fictional maker, wait this is confusing.

ACTUAL people, made the robot. But this guy also made the robot? And is playing him in Joey’s show. Right, I think I’ve got it. It’s just a show. Just a show.

“The One With the Surprisingly Well Behaved Baby”

The Ross/Elizabeth/Rachel/Bruce meal is so awkward. Ross completely fails to get around the weirdness of dating a student. One whose father is closer to his age.

It’s complicated (isn’t it always?) by Rachel immediately macking on Bruce. But really it’s all the paedophilia jokes that make it so cringe. In a post-Savile world it’s a little hard to laugh at someone clarifying that Ross doesn’t visit the Children’s hospital for sexual reasons.

I think I’ll see what the others are doing.

Oh cool, Phoebe’s writing a book! It’s quite fun as you get older, finding out your mate’s written a book. I haven’t read any of them. God no! But it’s nice to know they’re trying.
Phoebe’s book is about… the Friends™!

Somebody get my lawyer on the phone!! Phoebe, I’ve been doing this for six years. How dare you try and steal this from me?!?

Though maybe it’ll take a bit of heat off? I remember when I started a lot of buddies were less than enthusiastic about appearing here. I wouldn’t want Chandler and Monica to get wind of it too. They’re certainly not happy with Phoebe!

I had a couple of people refuse to let me use stories, and let’s not even mention how hard it’s been trying to not over share things involving my wife.

Nowadays people don’t seem to mention it as much. I wonder if they’ve forgotten I’m even doing it at this point?

You keep persevering Phoebe! Perhaps we can compare notes?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Our baby’s interminably slow journey into language is continuing. Her understanding of things is getting better, and she’s even learned to direct us to do things for her by pointing. Babysitting mostly consists of being a glorified horse at the moment.

But she surprised us the other day.

My wife tried out “it’s time for bed” and, shockingly, baby dropped what she was doing and immediately started climbing the stairs! We thought it was a fluke, but it’s been weeks now of her obeying us at bed time.

Now she’s realised she can say yes to things, surely it’s only a matter of time before she learns the dreaded “NO” word?

Oh, come on. A clip show?!?

Last week we were complaining about the reunion being a clip show and now the show’s hit us with one of their own.

It was only a year and a half ago I was lauding Friends™ for avoiding this sort of thing.

But I suppose it’s a good opportunity to look back at all the good things that happened in the last year:

…

Well, that was fun.

“The One Without the Flashbacks”

It’s all been spurred by Joey getting a big audition for the titular “Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E”. The sort of show that now wouldn’t even get commissioned by Netflix™

It’s utterly flimsy, with the only drama coming from Chandler failing to leave an important phone message for Joey. Mate, just shoot him a text. God my friends are so dumb sometimes.

Each section of clips is set off by the characters saying something like “it’s not like we haven’t had trouble in this area before” but this conceit barely even holds up with characters then remembering things they weren’t even present for.

You know how much I hate to say it, but this is bad. What’s worse is the flashbacks all highlight how great the show was in earlier seasons, and it’s making this year look quite weak in comparison. It’s even making me want to go back and watch some earlier episodes again!

No. I must stay strong. I must stay strong. Think of the integrity of the project.

I’m finding it pretty disorientating seeing them all young again, especially as the vision of the future from all the reunion advertising has already distorted my sense of time. Although I have to say, I really miss the big 90’s hair.

The ONE good thing this week is, drum roll please…

THE CHICK AND DUCK

They’re alive!!!

Merciful avian Goddess, I thought we’d lost them, taken by some dreadful bird flu, or perhaps cooked and shredded on a Joey special (two pizzas).

But, I’m sad to say, this is the last time we see them together. And isn’t really a send off in any sense of the word. Just a simple scene of Chandler apologising for not seeing them enough now he’s living with Monica. A conversation familiar to anyone who’s married.

And we’ll never know what happened to the Chick. Perhaps they died of a broken heart?

How could you Monica. You killed that poor chick with your “allergies”.

This is making me miss my friends a bit, even now as we’re all beginning to meet up again.
And it’s not helped by Friends™ having a montage of Chandler and Joey hugging. Way to rub it in!!

It ends with Chandler and Joey questioning “do we hug too much?”

NO.

You most definitely do not hug too much.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

OK. Here’s one flashback, I can hear you calling out for it. The people have spoken.

Baby’s first word.

Yep! My daughter has finally made the leap to language. And, oh my god, I did NOT have any idea how long it takes kids to learn to talk. Apparently by this time NEXT YEAR she’ll only be putting together 3 word sentences.

We’ve got maybe four or five confirmed words, and she uses them pretty sparingly, mostly communicating with various grunts indicating “yes”, “take me over there”, or “I’m done with the lovely thing you spent hours cooking and want some pudding now”.

It’s made for a much happier home. There’s less need for serious crying, and it’s becoming a lot easier for us to work out what she wants too.

But the best bit is the first word itself:

“Daddy”

Yes, my wife is furious. But, hey, you put the time in, this is what you get. Thank you furlough scheme, thank you me from days past for being lazy and refusing to work more than four days a week!

I genuinely thought I was imagining it when I heard it from the high chair as I turned to throw some food away. I asked her to repeat it. She refused. I turned back to the counter.

“Daddy”

No way.

We continued this a couple of times and I got a little video to send my wife. I was fully expecting her to tell me it was nothing, but her and her mum agreed. That was it. The whistle was blown, the first word was mine. Victory!!!

Everyone’s all excited. We’ve all been waiting for an age.

And now, here it is at last!

The big reunion!!

A chance to see our friends and family without following strict rules?

No, not that.

The return of the Chick and Duck??

No, NOT THAT.

You don’t mean?

The Friends™ are finally getting back together?

“The One Without the Reunion”

It’s not, like we’d all hoped an actual episode. But rather a TV special bringing the cast back together, with some chat, clips, and fun. Would it be a disaster like the Inbetweeners reunion?

Early signs, including the news that James Corden would be hosting pointed to “Yes”.

But hey, at least it’s not on Zoom like so many of these things, produced to sate the desires of people who’ve run out of things to watch in the last year. (Despite an entire century’s worth of entertainment to go back to and enjoy, seriously if you’ve run out of things to watch you need to broaden your horizons a bit).

I say “actual episode”, it’s true a lot of people were hoping for that. To see what they’re up to now? Who wouldn’t want that!? The One Where They’ve All Got Kids and Barely See Each Other.

A few years ago I would have loved a follow-up special; there are plenty of shows that did that successfully: Only Fools and Horses™, Futurama™, Firefly™. But, almost always it’s show’s cancelled before their time. I may have a few years to go, but I don’t think anyone would deny Friends™ was wrapped up completely and more or less perfectly. (Baring any mention of Joey™).

Now, I was actually relieved when I heard they weren’t doing a proper reunion. Because I want my stupid project to end at some point. When I started I was perfectly prepared to dedicate ten years of my life to re-watching Friends™. But the thought of starting again when I’m, what, in my fifties? God, I can’t think of anything worse. Thank the lord I didn’t choose Frasier™.

If I have a quibble with the modern entertainment complex it’s that they don’t know when to let things end. Shows carry on years after they’ve met their sell by date, watched only by a diminishing number of fans unable to escape their completist urges.

Obviously the big franchises are the worst offenders, if you're caught in the Venn diagram of Star Wars™ / Star Trek™ / Marvel™ fandom you're hard pressed to watch anything else at all if you want to keep up with the shows available to them.

For me, it’s most frustrating when a show with a brilliantly produced, complete first season hits an unexpected Zeitgeist; and a stories carried on and stretched out which didn’t need to be (I’m looking at you Stranger Things™). Often this comes at the expense of shows with more potential, cut short after a weaker first season, never given the time to grow. Imagine if Friends™ had been cancelled after the first season to give way to more episodes of the, critically well received but presumably thoroughly wrapped up “Watergate” ™.

 And so I won’t be watching the reunion. Mostly in protest that I wasn’t invited. Honestly, you think people are your friends then they all have a big catch-up without you!!

People seem pretty happy with the reunion; my wife watched it and said it was good. Twitter is mad for it. (Especially Matt Le Blanc’s “Irish Dad energy”).

But I have another problem that ultimately turned me off.

James Corden.

Just kidding, really I don’t think I CAN watch it without it interfering with Real Live Friends.

I’ve spent years now fastidiously avoiding anything which might hint at upcoming stories. And watching what essentially is just a clip show, poses far too great a threat to the integrity of the project. I suppose TECHNICALLY I should watch it… About twenty years from now.

Oh God, this really is never going to end is it?!?

Anyway, what have we got here, back in the year 2000. Where the only plastic surgery on show is Rachel’s nose job.

She’s being set-up for a date by both Phoebe and Chonica. I’m sure many people left single after their friend’s couple up can empathise with this.

As is often the case you feel a bit sorry for the guys caught up in the friends chaotic coffee shop world. Poor Patrick and … L Dot??

That can’t be right.

Eldad?? Come on. That’s hardly much better. That can’t be a real name.

Rachel’s still living with Joey; it’s always refreshing to shake up the pairings a bit. But there isn’t much Joey and Rachel story this time as he’s running round trying to get people to pay for a new fridge.

Weirdly our fridge broke the other day too, completely froze up on the inside. Although I’m not sure that counts as breaking, or whether it just became a better fridge…

One story I really wish was in the fridge (like Joey’s copy of Little Women all those years ago) is Ross dating his student. Wow, it’s dated.

In the way the other friends react, too. I guess your mates would try to be supportive, but the gentle ribbing and tacit approval of the situation comes across as weird given how the story would likely be presented today.

And things are now going from bad to worse as Ross is super jealous and paranoid over her going to Spring Break. You’ve only been going out like 2 weeks!!

He’s trying to get her not to wear her bikini of choice, even hiding it from her! It’s easy to see how this could swiftly develop into a controlling older male situation. And, oh no… he’s not gonna go down there is he?? I have a real bad feeling about this.

Well shit. This man clearly does not want to have a career.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Speaking of things outstaying their welcome, I’ve had a Christmas Tree in my garden for the last 5 months.

Why, you ask? Oh no reason, I just missed the council pick-up and never found time to take it to the tip. It grew on me having it in the corner of the garden (pun unintended). It’s a shame you can’t replant them.

But it’s finally gone! Bizarrely, I saw a tweet advertising, comedian, Tim Key’s Christmas Show, rescheduled to May due to Covid. What even is life anymore?

Needles to say I jumped at my chance (pun very much intended) and offered my battered tree for set dressing.

Imagine my surprise when Tim not only accepted but kindly gave me some free tickets!!

Honestly, I’d have donated it just to get it out my garden. But what a treat to finally go see some live entertainment again!

This may be the first time in my adult life I’ve been excited by something to do with Christmas. AND IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Straight out the bat, a student’s hitting on Ross and we all know where this is going...

To make matters worse we get the “lol wouldn’t it be funny if the student was a dude” joke too. It’s gonna be one of those episodes isn’t it?

“The One With the Questionable Sexual Politics”

There’s a bit of a light reprieve, in the shape of Phoebe and Rachel’s flat catching fire. Did I say “light reprieve”?! Apparently so, it only seems to happen to give them a reason to move in with Joey and Monica for a while. As if ANYONE these days has a guest bedroom.

The joke is that living with Monica’s overindulgent hospitality is more overbearing than Joey’s care-free slovenly-ness. Having lived in a state of absolute sloven my whole adult life, I’m not sure I agree.

The fire was caused by scented candles; perhaps from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop? Or was it Rachel’s hair straighteners? Who cares, it gives us a bit of fun with Monica and Joey both getting to team up with Rachel/Phoebe in turn.

Chandler’s out and about trying to get Joey an audition by buttering up an old friend who’s a movie director.

You know who’s also out? THE CHICK AND DUCK!!! Where the hell are they? Maybe they got lost in the wormhole to the alternative universe?

I don’t get why Chandler stopped being friends with this person? It would be sweet to be friends with a film director! And she seems cool and hot. Maybe he really did have feelings for her as Monica suggests?

It’s a shame Joey forgets about the audition after all the effort Chandler goes to. Let down by his unorthodox dating system.

Perhaps it’s karma for his advice to Ross:

“I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.”

Spoken like a true sex pest. What society thinks is very much what’s important here, Joey.

The show does make pains to point out what Ross is doing is wrong (although they try to make him look as innocent and non-predatory as possible). But only after justifying the 11 year age gap by saying “well when you’re 80 she’ll be 70”. Yerh, and when he was 20, she was 9. The point is the age gap NOW.

This is why the “half your age + 7” rule of thumb works so well. It’s an algorithmic beauty that scals with your age. Seriously, try it! No matter your age, you’ll get a maximum age difference that avoids anything inappropriate, allowing for any power imbalances like; I don’t know LITERALLY BEING A TEACHER. Ross thinks he’s got an out on this as the student is technically no longer in his class. But he’s still breaking the “half your age + 7” rule! And, boy does it show.

By today’s standards a 31 year old dating a 20 year old (even as equal consenting adults) would be frowned upon, there’s a pretty big maturity difference.

I explained the “half your age + 7” rule to my mum a while back, she’s getting on a bit but you never know, it might come in handy one day. And she INSTANTLY said her number. Either she’s a lot sharper than she’s letting on, or she’s worked that out before!
To be fair to Ross, he was going to turn down the students advances. Until she made the point about him not being in control of her grades anymore.

And to be fair to the show, they do end by pointing out the college has a literal rule against this sort of thing and that Ross will be fired.

Thanks Friends™ at least we now know what Ross is doing is wrong, and that there are rules in place to protect students from people like him. And now we can move on… oh… no, Ross is still about to sleep with the student.

Jesus, Ross.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Monica Number 2 got married!!

A bit of sedate affair, sadly, with some restrictions still in place. But my god the post-ceremony drinks were incredible!! We spent hours on a boat/bar on the Thames drinking and eating pizza, catching up and reminiscing.

The ceremony itself was not without incident. The registrar was clearly quite out of practice, stumbling over words and pausing awkwardly. But the real kicker was accidentally referring to Monica Number 2 (an almost 7 foot tall, bearded dude) as the “wife” and repeatedly calling them by the wrong name.

At least it wasn’t Monica who got the name wrong…

They did, however, make me absolutely piss myself with some brutal honesty (and later, more literally, by providing me with too many drinks…)

I mentioned how sad it was that David the Science Guy couldn’t attend as they’re, once again, stuck in “Minsk”. And, quick as a flash, Monica replied “yerh, you wouldn’t be here if they could’ve made it.”

Charming to the last! I’m sure he’ll make a lovely wife.

And... we’re back through the wormhole.

Say "bye-bye" to that world, where everything was absolutely great, bar one thing. My daughter didn’t exist :(

My wife says that’s one of her favourite things about having a kid. It means you can’t regret anything in your past, as if you change a single thing they wouldn’t exist. Which is a nice way of looking at it.

Of course, now she’s been born I’m free to make as many mistakes as I like again. Yippee!

I pointed this out to my wife; that the regret-free thing only works for things you did before the baby was born, and she said:

“Well, what if you have another baby?”

Come now, I honestly don’t think continually pumping out babies is a sustainable way of never having regrets. The carbon footprint alone would be devastating…

 “The One With the Scared Children”

Speaking of regrets, Joey’s talking about donating blood. Someone pause the episode, I feel sick. (Though that may just be the smell of the mushroom polenta my wife is making for the baby.)

Now Joey’s trying to scam his way onto a medical trial by paying an actor to pretend to be his twin!

I wish I’d thought of that. Getting a fake twin to donate plasma instead of me could have saved a lot of pain this last year.

Pain like for someone who does Karat-EY? (Now that’s what I call a smooth segue...)

Imagining his alternate life with Carol and Karate has obviously been playing on Ross’s mind. Man’s getting a bit obsessed if you ask me. And, trust me, I know obsession. Thinks he’s now some karate god! Keeps banging on about the quest for “Unagi”. Which, as the rest of my Friends™ rightly keep pointing out, is actually a type of eel.

Ross and Rachel/Phoebe had a bit of fun scaring each other by jumping out from hidden places. But what started as a fun game soon took quite a dark turn, with Ross asking a self-defence instructor how best to attack his ex-wife. He’s lucky the guy didn’t call the cops!

But, err, fortunately Ross gets his comeuppance. It’s always good laughing at Ross’s expense.

What’s actually MORE dark (darker than Ross attacking two women he doesn’t know?? ... Yes.) Is the way Chandler acts with Monica.

They’re celebrating Valentine’s day. Hey! Didn’t we already do this?!

We DID. Rachel just confirmed it, Valentine's was two weeks ago. (Or was it a few months ago? I'm not sure.) I think this confirms the last two episodes did take up no time, and can now definitely be forgotten forever. Alas, poor motor home, we hardly knew ye.

Anyway, Chandler is being very dishonest in how he deals with Monica here. Both have forgotten to get the present they said they would, but he pretends an old mix-tape from Janice is his present.

Monica obviously finds out as Janice’s wonderful voice cuts through the mix-tape, and this is all we get from Janice in season six :( Alas, poor Janice, we hardly knew ye.

But this is AFTER Chandler uses the kudos from the tape to get mad kinky sex, AND a free meal.

Damn, Chandler. That is very not cool.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With rules finally relaxing we were able to host some people the other day, Ross Number 2, Rachel Number 1, and (checking my notes) the couple formerly known as Ross Number 3.

I have no idea what made them Ross Number 3 as being successfully married is the least Ross thing you can do. But anyway, they came round, and brought the kids too for a bit of BBQ action in the damp and cold.

I don’t know how we got onto the subject but somehow talk turned to what sort of person would, and wouldn’t, be appropriate dating material for our daughters in the future. Ross Number 2 immediately jumped on the chance for a joke, with all the speed of Chandler, and all the good judgement of Ross, turning to the nearest child, pointing his finger like a schoolmaster, and practically yelling “no dating drug dealers!” in their face.

Cue, three crying children.

Aw, it’s OK kiddies! Don’t worry, when you grow up, you can date whoever you want.

Some exciting news!!

I’ve bought a motor-home!

I thought “hang the cost, I’ve saved up enough in the last couple of years, why shouldn’t I? Let’s take this show on the road!”

I love it, it’s my baby.

And no-one can tell me otherwise.

“The One With the Motorhome”

I went round Joey’s the other day. The man’s absolutely wasted his Drake Ramoray fortune on awful art.

But he’s got a date with this girl, Rachel, coming up. Maybe she’ll sort him out? Help him become a better person? Or maybe, she’ll get drunk and throw up. I had a bit too much to drink the other day too, but didn’t throw up.  Seems no matter how much I drink I don’t throw up anymore; hopefully the motor-home will help me cut back a bit, ay?

The pandemic’s still going on, but we’re barely feeling it down here. In some ways it’s been one of the best years of my life.

I remember a year ago when I thought, “fuck it, I’m gona move to Australia, and wait for this all to blow over”.

It’s been great getting to know my family down here, meeting new people, and I’ve even made a lot of progress with my stand-up! I’ve got that fish out of water angle now, and done so many gigs I really feel at the top of my game.

Ladies? Well I’m not quite Joey… but at least I’m not Ross stuck in his marriage!

He’s tried to spice things up with a threesome. You know how I feel about those? The same as jam and cream on a scone: tried it both ways, it’s not for me.

It’s not actually that funny really, he’s just found out his wife is a lesbian! Imagine that, after nine years. Your marriage is gone, most of your adult life so far spent with nothing to show for it.

I feel bad for Carol too, living a lie for so long, but she’s really done a number on him. She’s been cheating this whole time! Talk about having your cake and eating it… It’s really not fair to Ross the way she’s acted.

It seems everyone’s cheating this week. (Well except Phoebe, who’s still in the hospital, I can’t relate to this heart attack thing at all. I’ve got no concerns there, been finding the time for sport/exercise these last six years so I’m in pretty good shape.)

It’s funny only last week Monica was giving Rachel shit for wanting to cheat with Joey, and now she’s cheated with Chandler!! I’ll admit they do make a cute couple. I, I feel like there’s something familiar about it…

I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t cheated? All those years ago.

We’d probably be married by now. I’d own a real house, instead of a motor-home. In the suburbs. I used to hate the thought of being stuck in the ‘burbs. But now, I dunno, cities are so hectic sometimes. When I was a child we used to go for all these long walks in the country round my granddads. Some days I feel like I could do with a bit of green, away from the endless videogames.

Maybe we’d be talking about kids? Hah, imagine that! Me as a father. That’d be a ridiculous plotline.

I always assumed I’d have kids, not that I particularly have much interest in them, but I still haven’t met the right person. Well, I thought I met the right person, before I fucked up.

It can be a little lonely.

Most of my friends have paired up, back in the UK.  I hope they’re OK, getting through things OK. The rest of my family’s been really struggling without me. A lot more than I would have thought…  I’ve barely seen my nephew since he was born. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to dad.

Family’s never seemed that important to me. But sometimes it feels like I haven’t got one at all. At least I’ve got my Friends™!

God, I miss my friends.

I miss her.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A funny thing happened the other day.

I was waterskiing down on the beach, about to do a real sweet jump, when I saw a big fin in the water! Big… like Jaws, big. Yep, there was only a bloody shark out there!

The boat began heading back to land, but I realised I could still make it to the ramp, even as the shark moved to swim on the other side. My heart pounded as I approached, thinking about the prospect of big toothy danger should I fail.

Reader, I jumped right over that shark. Flying through the sky like Icarus on a cloudy day.

And the spectators on the beach applauded as I headed back to dry land for a cold one.

“I’m thinking of buying a motorhome”.

“Did you see this on a TV show?”

“Well, yes…”

“I don’t remember that episode of friends” my wife replied.

“Not Friends™, a different show. Also it’s Friends™, not ‘friends’” I retorted.

“What?”

“Never mind.

Look, it’d be great; I can travel the country, staying wherever I want. It’s like that old dream of mine to have a riverboat. But, it gets over all the problems of that! Not as small, not limited by canals, no risk of drunkenly drowning.”

“Not, ALL the problems.”

“Yep! Even the internet one’s fixed now I can use my smart phone as a router.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this… You’re not getting a motorhome. Have you seen how much they cost?! You know how much I hate camping, and, needn’t I remind you, we have a baby now?? She’d hate it.”

“I’d be using it for holidays by myself though.”

*Awkward Silence*

“Oh. Yes, you’re right. I think my imagination has got a bit carried away.”

“You don’t say…”
 
And so I’ve given up on that idea. No travelling the open road, making the most of the end of lockdown, the wind in my hair and my bed under the stars. But a man can dream…

 “The One Without the Motorhome”

My Friends™ are wondering what might have been too. All the big questions. What if Ross hadn’t found out his wife was a lesbian? What if Chandler has quit his job? What if Monica was still fat?

This is one of the problems with lockdown. There’s so much time to think things, inevitably thoughts turn to how things could have been different. Even if New York is seemingly unaffected by the pandemic.

Would the grass be greener on the otherside? Or would we be living in some darker timeline?

Thanks to the magic of TV, we can get a glimpse into this alternate universe, where Joey’s still playing Dr Drake Ramoray, Rachel never left Barry at the altar, and Ross is still a massive loser.

It’s a bit like “Friends™ does Rick and Morty” and, fortunately for me, is a great opportunity to catch up! As presumably these two episodes don’t actually have any time passing, so keep your eyes peeled for part 2 next week.

But what about me in this alternate universe?

I would almost certainly be making questionable fashion choices like Chandlers backwards cap.

That’s not much different to now, seeing as I’ve now almost finished growing my Rachel.

Would I still be married? Or would we get a reversal of Rachel and Ross’s situation? The choice jokes about them being stuck in loveless marriages being replaced by jokes about me being perpetually single still, or worse, jokes about my divorce.

Option 1:

“We get 50/50 bread, because I like white, and my wife likes brown. So we get compromise bread that’s halfway in between and not as good as either, which is exactly what marriage is like.”

Option 2:

“Hey guys, anyone here on Tindr™?? Woo, yerh! You know it’s a lot older than you’d think. In fact, when she died, even Joan of Arc was on tinder.”

I honestly don’t know what’s worse…

Oh wait, I do. Joey and Rachel hooking up because she’s a big fan of Days of our Lives™. Joey and Rachel together?? That’d be ridiculous.

Any more ridiculous than me being with Rachel Number 1, Doctor Phalange, or Chandler Number 1?

Ok, fair enough…

Ross taking up Karat-AY is eerily close to me wanting to take up boxing. Unlike him that’s to get revenge on my brother-in-law instead of out of sexual frustration.

It’s weird that alternate reality Ross is somehow even more tragic. Although he does seem to see his kid more often. Isn’t this supposed to be them imagining a better world where things were different? I guess it makes sense for him to think things would be worse if he hadn’t had the first divorce.

Monica, too, seems happier with how things are now. Good for her! I’m usually quick to defend the show about the fat jokes about Monica, but it does seem to go a little far in this episode. She’s not even that fat, and yet apparently it means she’s a thirty year old virgin. Oh Monica, do you really have that low an opinion of yourself?

I don’t think we’ve ever found out how the Friends™ met Phoebe. But apparently she’d still hang out with us if she was a millionaire. Popping into Central Perk™ whilst rushing round selling stocks and bonds. Gunther would be lucky man with the tips she could give.

It’s a bit odd they all still know each other really, sure they’re only changing one thing, but wouldn’t the butterfly effect have swung this way out of control? I suppose it’s because their stopping off points are after the age people make most of their friends.

I’d probably have mostly the same friends too. Apart from in my job, and people my wife knows, I’ve barely made any new mates in the past decade. Unless you count the Friends. Which I definitely do.

Oh God. What if I’d never met them? A world without Friends™? It doesn’t bare thinking about.

Chandler being hired by Joey makes me think of another thing that would be different. What if I didn’t work for MY friends? My bosses are nowhere near as bad as Joey, but I do often wonder how things would be different if I’d stuck with my original plan of switching jobs every couple of years.

Based on how stressed I am without doing that I’d probably end up like Phoebe.

Heart attack at thirty-one.

And if I was still smoking? Jesus, I’d be more than three grand worse off from that alone.

It’s difficult to know after my little dalliance with mental health issues, but I’m now reasonably satisfied I’ve yet to have a heart attack.

A few months back I was driving home with the baby. And felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unlike anything I’d felt before. I was left with my heart pounding, sweaty palms, feeling weak and had to do the responsible thing: pull over, and call my mum to help. Not at all emasculating.

Now, after weeks of therapy, I realised it was very shortly after Dr Phalange told me, thanks to my diet, body type, and history of smoking, I was a primo risk for a heart condition.

So naturally when I felt a twinge in my chest from anxiety, I had what is known as a “catastrophic, misinterpretation reaction” where my body flew into panic. A vicious cycle of heart pounding, leading to more oxygen, leading to more worry, leading to heart beating faster, leading to the assumption I’d had a heart attack.

I wonder what life would have been like without a pandemic, would I have still gone through that then? What about with a pandemic but no child? Would my wife have shrugged off the virus with the relative ease that I did? No need to deal with it all.

Would we have been free to do something else? Move to Australia, get a motorhome, and wait for all this to blow over?

I guess we’ll never know, never know, never know…
 
Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A short one.

After realising it’s been over a year of me not painting the fence, I painted the fence!!
It’s dried nicely now. And I can clearly see I’ve painted it a different shade to the ones next to it.

Bugger.

Unlucky, Ross, looks like Reece Witherspoon will not be your number eight.

This is what you get when your dating technique consists of showing women slides of fossils.

"Next Slide Please"

I wouldn’t fair much better, in discussion with my wife the other day I came to the conclusion I never dated properly (the upside being I’ve also never been dumped). Have I missed out? Or was that hellish period of perpetual singledom punctuated by drunken hook-ups good enough?

It’s not so bad when we can go on dates, but it’s been a year now since we’ve done one properly!

We even did nothing for Valentine’s Day this year. Which is actually good as it’s only cropping up in Friends™ now.

We sometimes bemoan missing out on the opportunity to do dating apps. But she is getting to experience something similar. She’s got an app that is basically Tindr™ for mums. Yep! They swipe the usual way, and get hooked up with people to arrange play-dates (or trips to wine bars in the evening).

I’ve been informed there isn’t the equivalent for dads, which is for the best given I haven’t even bothered to talk to the guys in the NCT group for the last year.

I only hope she doesn’t meet a lady she likes a bit TOO much and leave me for a lesbian.

 “The One With the Scared Baby”

Joey may have very strict rules when it comes to dating your friends’ sisters. But apparently they don’t apply to watching your mate’s sister in porn.

Yes, it’s the classic “oh my god, Phoebe’s a porn star, no wait it’s her twin sister” episode.

I remember all this very well; I must have seen it quite a few times. Not for the porn, which is PG at best, it must have just been on a lot. Some of these jokes are filthy for something we watched as kids though!

The attitude to sex workers is a little dated, but you can still understand Phoebe not wanting her sister doing it under her name. But spare a thought for Ursula, not only entering an industry about to be decimated by the advent of free internet porn, but also wouldn’t it suck if you were having sex and your partner kept calling out your sisters name??

It’s weird this doesn’t really get resolved isn’t it? Phoebe goes to see Ursula who refuses to stop, so Phoebe steals her pay, and that’s just the end of it? With an anticlimax like that you’d want your money back.

It is fun while it lasts. I think we can agree, if you found out one of your friends was in porn, you would watch it wouldn’t you? At least all of us Friends™ did.

The other thing happening this week was we found out Chandler can’t cry!

A bit weird, but I think something a lot of men can relate to. I think we go through phases. I remember after the quite hardening experience of school I didn’t cry for many years until my first grandfather died. Even then I was relatively numb until we arrived at his old house, a place of great familiarity from my childhood, and I snuck into his room for some quiet time only to find an empty glasses case on the side.

From then, much like Chandler, I found it a lot easier to cry at things. The floodgates were open. Films, music, you name it. I think there’s a lot of truth that if you go a bit too long without crying it can all build up and do a lot damage. Which was certainly borne out a year ago when I spent months contently pottering around my garden, determined to feel the whole world going to hell as little as possible. Before the floodgates opened.

If only I’d seen this episode then, and listened to Joey, the unlikely poster boy for positive male emotional expression.

Welcome to the club Chandler. Just try not to do it in public. No-one wants that.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

There is no shame in crying at things that are sad, and hey, if you’re an actual baby you can cry everyday for sometimes no reason at all.

My bairns getting a lot braver and happier as she’s getting older, thankfully. Although she did completely lose her shit the other day.

I was doing the bedtime routine, and my wife used the opportunity for some pampering.

But, never one to fully switch off from motherhood, she came in to check on things. Cue baby crying, us confused as to why before eventually realising it was that my wife was wearing a dark mud face mask, sporting the sort of look that would get you a light entertainment slot in the fifties, or not hinder your chance of re-election in Canada.

Yep, my wife’s skincare products looked a little less than PC, and our baby was absolutely not having it.

God the younger generation are so woke now, aren’t they?

At last my stair gates remain affixed to the wall.

A testament to mankind’s engineering prowess, and my ability to always shut them as carefully as possible, running over and moving the baby back to the centre of the room if she gets to close.

Sure the only reason we got it was so we wouldn’t have to keep moving her back to the centre of the room but… baby steps.

Oh God… she’s gonna be so much harder to stop when she can walk.

“The One With a Bit Too Much Honesty, If You Ask Me”

Joey’s giving out free stuff in the coffee shop to pretty ladies. Gunther’s not too happy about it, but I say you have to take free stuff from work where you can get it. I even got my sister a birthday present from work this year.

And who’s this knocking at the door?

It’s a pretty priceless reaction as the friends hear the knock and realise that all seven of us are already in the flat.

It’s Rachel’s sister, played by Reese Witherspoon!! Half way between Cruel Intentions and Legally Blonde. That girl’s gona be a star!!

Oh my, Rachel’s accidentally talked her sister into dating Ross! Who’s a little too eager to go along with it if you ask me.

Is Rachel’s sister going to become Ross’s eighth sexual partner?!? We’ll have to wait and see.

This is a bit of an insensitive time for her to show up however. As you’ll all know from slavishly reading the blog. Lockdown last year was precipitated by my wife’s musical theatre group being shut down right as they were about to put on a show. What show do you ask? Legally Blonde!!

And here we are exactly a year on from the Pandemic™ gracing our shores.

And, in bigger news, a year since we got our fence fixed! Mad props to me for managing to go the whole year without painting the new bits.

Monica’s refusing to acknowledge her illness after being sent home from work. Oh no! It hasn’t reached the Friends has it!? They’ve been so careful. Never breaking the rule of six.

Her protestations that she’s strong and never gets sick sounds a lot like me just over a year ago. I don’t think I’ve ever so swiftly been taught a lesson not to be so blasé. Immediately getting it and passing it to my pregnant wife.

We were a lot luckier than other people, we got through it. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it impacted us both heavily. And in ways I wouldn’t have expected. This sudden reminder of the fragility of life, of my own mortality, and how I’m no longer just responsible for my own health played havoc with my mind for the last year.

And I only just feel I’m returning to a sense of normality, of control over my own thoughts. Not fearing anxious thoughts spiralling out of control. Panic attacks hitting me when driving my daughter somewhere. I don’t know. Was it the Covid, or was this something all new parents go through to a lesser or greater degree?

I’ve been helped in part by finally getting some professional help. Honestly, men will ring their GP three times to find there’s no appointments available rather than go to therapy.

Eventually my mum pointed me in the direction of our county’s wellbeing team, who were able to give me a couple of sessions. It definitely helped, although the therapist did somewhat undermine my recovery from anxiety over my health by casually pointing out in the last session my symptoms were the same as “Long Covid” ™. You mean I’ve got that as well?!?

Oh great…

I don’t think I do. One of the things I realised was that pretty much everything I got trapped in a spiral over was things I felt and experienced before the pandemic. I’d just lost my ways of coping with them. I’m sure many people have experienced the same.

But is this really why you’re here?? No, this is a Friends™ blog damn it. Back to Monica trying to get Chandler to sleep with her.

I don’t especially see a problem with sick sex, though it’s a bit like drunk sex. Great if you’re both in that state, but if only one of you’s sick or drunk it’s gross.

There certainly wasn’t any risk of us having sex this time last year. It’s a bit of a film cliché that people start furiously banging the second the world ends, but in reality there’s far too much to do. Like continually listening to your partners breathing/coughing to check for any signs of illness. Now you’d be far more likely to socially distance at a sign of illness rather than grabbing the vaporub for a bit of tingly sex.

I never thought when we got married I’d learn the exact time and reason for all of my wife’s daily coughs. But at least now I know they’re not because of anything out of the ordinary.

And, hey, before last year I never would have known we always cough after a cup of tea because we don’t have a water filter and the last sip always has all the scum in it. The things you learn when you take a break and really pay attention…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s amazing what you can get used to.

Only six months ago we were spooked by a man walking into our garden in the dark autumn evening.

Now we’ve got through winter, and I’ve lost count of the number of times it’s happened.

It seems the massive upshoot in home deliveries and takeaways lead to a great many people taking up a job they didn’t really have the sixth sense for. Or, an accurate enough version of Google Maps™.

We’ve regularly found people walking past our window of an evening, looking for a mystery house before realising they’re trespassing and performing a swift U-turn. What once made us fearful now makes us laugh as our TV watching is interrupted for the umpteenth time that evening.

Perhaps I should set a chair outside and sit there brandishing a shotgun. I’d love to drawl a southern “get of my land” at someone before hastily adding “oh no wait, is that a McDonalds™? I’ll take that please”.

Hopefully it won’t be long before the pandemic, too, becomes something to laugh about rather than be fearful of.