Some exciting news!!

I’ve bought a motor-home!

I thought “hang the cost, I’ve saved up enough in the last couple of years, why shouldn’t I? Let’s take this show on the road!”

I love it, it’s my baby.

And no-one can tell me otherwise.

“The One With the Motorhome”

I went round Joey’s the other day. The man’s absolutely wasted his Drake Ramoray fortune on awful art.

But he’s got a date with this girl, Rachel, coming up. Maybe she’ll sort him out? Help him become a better person? Or maybe, she’ll get drunk and throw up. I had a bit too much to drink the other day too, but didn’t throw up.  Seems no matter how much I drink I don’t throw up anymore; hopefully the motor-home will help me cut back a bit, ay?

The pandemic’s still going on, but we’re barely feeling it down here. In some ways it’s been one of the best years of my life.

I remember a year ago when I thought, “fuck it, I’m gona move to Australia, and wait for this all to blow over”.

It’s been great getting to know my family down here, meeting new people, and I’ve even made a lot of progress with my stand-up! I’ve got that fish out of water angle now, and done so many gigs I really feel at the top of my game.

Ladies? Well I’m not quite Joey… but at least I’m not Ross stuck in his marriage!

He’s tried to spice things up with a threesome. You know how I feel about those? The same as jam and cream on a scone: tried it both ways, it’s not for me.

It’s not actually that funny really, he’s just found out his wife is a lesbian! Imagine that, after nine years. Your marriage is gone, most of your adult life so far spent with nothing to show for it.

I feel bad for Carol too, living a lie for so long, but she’s really done a number on him. She’s been cheating this whole time! Talk about having your cake and eating it… It’s really not fair to Ross the way she’s acted.

It seems everyone’s cheating this week. (Well except Phoebe, who’s still in the hospital, I can’t relate to this heart attack thing at all. I’ve got no concerns there, been finding the time for sport/exercise these last six years so I’m in pretty good shape.)

It’s funny only last week Monica was giving Rachel shit for wanting to cheat with Joey, and now she’s cheated with Chandler!! I’ll admit they do make a cute couple. I, I feel like there’s something familiar about it…

I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t cheated? All those years ago.

We’d probably be married by now. I’d own a real house, instead of a motor-home. In the suburbs. I used to hate the thought of being stuck in the ‘burbs. But now, I dunno, cities are so hectic sometimes. When I was a child we used to go for all these long walks in the country round my granddads. Some days I feel like I could do with a bit of green, away from the endless videogames.

Maybe we’d be talking about kids? Hah, imagine that! Me as a father. That’d be a ridiculous plotline.

I always assumed I’d have kids, not that I particularly have much interest in them, but I still haven’t met the right person. Well, I thought I met the right person, before I fucked up.

It can be a little lonely.

Most of my friends have paired up, back in the UK.  I hope they’re OK, getting through things OK. The rest of my family’s been really struggling without me. A lot more than I would have thought…  I’ve barely seen my nephew since he was born. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to dad.

Family’s never seemed that important to me. But sometimes it feels like I haven’t got one at all. At least I’ve got my Friends™!

God, I miss my friends.

I miss her.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A funny thing happened the other day.

I was waterskiing down on the beach, about to do a real sweet jump, when I saw a big fin in the water! Big… like Jaws, big. Yep, there was only a bloody shark out there!

The boat began heading back to land, but I realised I could still make it to the ramp, even as the shark moved to swim on the other side. My heart pounded as I approached, thinking about the prospect of big toothy danger should I fail.

Reader, I jumped right over that shark. Flying through the sky like Icarus on a cloudy day.

And the spectators on the beach applauded as I headed back to dry land for a cold one.

“I’m thinking of buying a motorhome”.

“Did you see this on a TV show?”

“Well, yes…”

“I don’t remember that episode of friends” my wife replied.

“Not Friends™, a different show. Also it’s Friends™, not ‘friends’” I retorted.

“What?”

“Never mind.

Look, it’d be great; I can travel the country, staying wherever I want. It’s like that old dream of mine to have a riverboat. But, it gets over all the problems of that! Not as small, not limited by canals, no risk of drunkenly drowning.”

“Not, ALL the problems.”

“Yep! Even the internet one’s fixed now I can use my smart phone as a router.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this… You’re not getting a motorhome. Have you seen how much they cost?! You know how much I hate camping, and, needn’t I remind you, we have a baby now?? She’d hate it.”

“I’d be using it for holidays by myself though.”

*Awkward Silence*

“Oh. Yes, you’re right. I think my imagination has got a bit carried away.”

“You don’t say…”
 
And so I’ve given up on that idea. No travelling the open road, making the most of the end of lockdown, the wind in my hair and my bed under the stars. But a man can dream…

 “The One Without the Motorhome”

My Friends™ are wondering what might have been too. All the big questions. What if Ross hadn’t found out his wife was a lesbian? What if Chandler has quit his job? What if Monica was still fat?

This is one of the problems with lockdown. There’s so much time to think things, inevitably thoughts turn to how things could have been different. Even if New York is seemingly unaffected by the pandemic.

Would the grass be greener on the otherside? Or would we be living in some darker timeline?

Thanks to the magic of TV, we can get a glimpse into this alternate universe, where Joey’s still playing Dr Drake Ramoray, Rachel never left Barry at the altar, and Ross is still a massive loser.

It’s a bit like “Friends™ does Rick and Morty” and, fortunately for me, is a great opportunity to catch up! As presumably these two episodes don’t actually have any time passing, so keep your eyes peeled for part 2 next week.

But what about me in this alternate universe?

I would almost certainly be making questionable fashion choices like Chandlers backwards cap.

That’s not much different to now, seeing as I’ve now almost finished growing my Rachel.

Would I still be married? Or would we get a reversal of Rachel and Ross’s situation? The choice jokes about them being stuck in loveless marriages being replaced by jokes about me being perpetually single still, or worse, jokes about my divorce.

Option 1:

“We get 50/50 bread, because I like white, and my wife likes brown. So we get compromise bread that’s halfway in between and not as good as either, which is exactly what marriage is like.”

Option 2:

“Hey guys, anyone here on Tindr™?? Woo, yerh! You know it’s a lot older than you’d think. In fact, when she died, even Joan of Arc was on tinder.”

I honestly don’t know what’s worse…

Oh wait, I do. Joey and Rachel hooking up because she’s a big fan of Days of our Lives™. Joey and Rachel together?? That’d be ridiculous.

Any more ridiculous than me being with Rachel Number 1, Doctor Phalange, or Chandler Number 1?

Ok, fair enough…

Ross taking up Karat-AY is eerily close to me wanting to take up boxing. Unlike him that’s to get revenge on my brother-in-law instead of out of sexual frustration.

It’s weird that alternate reality Ross is somehow even more tragic. Although he does seem to see his kid more often. Isn’t this supposed to be them imagining a better world where things were different? I guess it makes sense for him to think things would be worse if he hadn’t had the first divorce.

Monica, too, seems happier with how things are now. Good for her! I’m usually quick to defend the show about the fat jokes about Monica, but it does seem to go a little far in this episode. She’s not even that fat, and yet apparently it means she’s a thirty year old virgin. Oh Monica, do you really have that low an opinion of yourself?

I don’t think we’ve ever found out how the Friends™ met Phoebe. But apparently she’d still hang out with us if she was a millionaire. Popping into Central Perk™ whilst rushing round selling stocks and bonds. Gunther would be lucky man with the tips she could give.

It’s a bit odd they all still know each other really, sure they’re only changing one thing, but wouldn’t the butterfly effect have swung this way out of control? I suppose it’s because their stopping off points are after the age people make most of their friends.

I’d probably have mostly the same friends too. Apart from in my job, and people my wife knows, I’ve barely made any new mates in the past decade. Unless you count the Friends. Which I definitely do.

Oh God. What if I’d never met them? A world without Friends™? It doesn’t bare thinking about.

Chandler being hired by Joey makes me think of another thing that would be different. What if I didn’t work for MY friends? My bosses are nowhere near as bad as Joey, but I do often wonder how things would be different if I’d stuck with my original plan of switching jobs every couple of years.

Based on how stressed I am without doing that I’d probably end up like Phoebe.

Heart attack at thirty-one.

And if I was still smoking? Jesus, I’d be more than three grand worse off from that alone.

It’s difficult to know after my little dalliance with mental health issues, but I’m now reasonably satisfied I’ve yet to have a heart attack.

A few months back I was driving home with the baby. And felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unlike anything I’d felt before. I was left with my heart pounding, sweaty palms, feeling weak and had to do the responsible thing: pull over, and call my mum to help. Not at all emasculating.

Now, after weeks of therapy, I realised it was very shortly after Dr Phalange told me, thanks to my diet, body type, and history of smoking, I was a primo risk for a heart condition.

So naturally when I felt a twinge in my chest from anxiety, I had what is known as a “catastrophic, misinterpretation reaction” where my body flew into panic. A vicious cycle of heart pounding, leading to more oxygen, leading to more worry, leading to heart beating faster, leading to the assumption I’d had a heart attack.

I wonder what life would have been like without a pandemic, would I have still gone through that then? What about with a pandemic but no child? Would my wife have shrugged off the virus with the relative ease that I did? No need to deal with it all.

Would we have been free to do something else? Move to Australia, get a motorhome, and wait for all this to blow over?

I guess we’ll never know, never know, never know…
 
Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A short one.

After realising it’s been over a year of me not painting the fence, I painted the fence!!
It’s dried nicely now. And I can clearly see I’ve painted it a different shade to the ones next to it.

Bugger.

Unlucky, Ross, looks like Reece Witherspoon will not be your number eight.

This is what you get when your dating technique consists of showing women slides of fossils.

"Next Slide Please"

I wouldn’t fair much better, in discussion with my wife the other day I came to the conclusion I never dated properly (the upside being I’ve also never been dumped). Have I missed out? Or was that hellish period of perpetual singledom punctuated by drunken hook-ups good enough?

It’s not so bad when we can go on dates, but it’s been a year now since we’ve done one properly!

We even did nothing for Valentine’s Day this year. Which is actually good as it’s only cropping up in Friends™ now.

We sometimes bemoan missing out on the opportunity to do dating apps. But she is getting to experience something similar. She’s got an app that is basically Tindr™ for mums. Yep! They swipe the usual way, and get hooked up with people to arrange play-dates (or trips to wine bars in the evening).

I’ve been informed there isn’t the equivalent for dads, which is for the best given I haven’t even bothered to talk to the guys in the NCT group for the last year.

I only hope she doesn’t meet a lady she likes a bit TOO much and leave me for a lesbian.

 “The One With the Scared Baby”

Joey may have very strict rules when it comes to dating your friends’ sisters. But apparently they don’t apply to watching your mate’s sister in porn.

Yes, it’s the classic “oh my god, Phoebe’s a porn star, no wait it’s her twin sister” episode.

I remember all this very well; I must have seen it quite a few times. Not for the porn, which is PG at best, it must have just been on a lot. Some of these jokes are filthy for something we watched as kids though!

The attitude to sex workers is a little dated, but you can still understand Phoebe not wanting her sister doing it under her name. But spare a thought for Ursula, not only entering an industry about to be decimated by the advent of free internet porn, but also wouldn’t it suck if you were having sex and your partner kept calling out your sisters name??

It’s weird this doesn’t really get resolved isn’t it? Phoebe goes to see Ursula who refuses to stop, so Phoebe steals her pay, and that’s just the end of it? With an anticlimax like that you’d want your money back.

It is fun while it lasts. I think we can agree, if you found out one of your friends was in porn, you would watch it wouldn’t you? At least all of us Friends™ did.

The other thing happening this week was we found out Chandler can’t cry!

A bit weird, but I think something a lot of men can relate to. I think we go through phases. I remember after the quite hardening experience of school I didn’t cry for many years until my first grandfather died. Even then I was relatively numb until we arrived at his old house, a place of great familiarity from my childhood, and I snuck into his room for some quiet time only to find an empty glasses case on the side.

From then, much like Chandler, I found it a lot easier to cry at things. The floodgates were open. Films, music, you name it. I think there’s a lot of truth that if you go a bit too long without crying it can all build up and do a lot damage. Which was certainly borne out a year ago when I spent months contently pottering around my garden, determined to feel the whole world going to hell as little as possible. Before the floodgates opened.

If only I’d seen this episode then, and listened to Joey, the unlikely poster boy for positive male emotional expression.

Welcome to the club Chandler. Just try not to do it in public. No-one wants that.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

There is no shame in crying at things that are sad, and hey, if you’re an actual baby you can cry everyday for sometimes no reason at all.

My bairns getting a lot braver and happier as she’s getting older, thankfully. Although she did completely lose her shit the other day.

I was doing the bedtime routine, and my wife used the opportunity for some pampering.

But, never one to fully switch off from motherhood, she came in to check on things. Cue baby crying, us confused as to why before eventually realising it was that my wife was wearing a dark mud face mask, sporting the sort of look that would get you a light entertainment slot in the fifties, or not hinder your chance of re-election in Canada.

Yep, my wife’s skincare products looked a little less than PC, and our baby was absolutely not having it.

God the younger generation are so woke now, aren’t they?