“I’m thinking of buying a motorhome”.

“Did you see this on a TV show?”

“Well, yes…”

“I don’t remember that episode of friends” my wife replied.

“Not Friends™, a different show. Also it’s Friends™, not ‘friends’” I retorted.

“What?”

“Never mind.

Look, it’d be great; I can travel the country, staying wherever I want. It’s like that old dream of mine to have a riverboat. But, it gets over all the problems of that! Not as small, not limited by canals, no risk of drunkenly drowning.”

“Not, ALL the problems.”

“Yep! Even the internet one’s fixed now I can use my smart phone as a router.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this… You’re not getting a motorhome. Have you seen how much they cost?! You know how much I hate camping, and, needn’t I remind you, we have a baby now?? She’d hate it.”

“I’d be using it for holidays by myself though.”

*Awkward Silence*

“Oh. Yes, you’re right. I think my imagination has got a bit carried away.”

“You don’t say…”
 
And so I’ve given up on that idea. No travelling the open road, making the most of the end of lockdown, the wind in my hair and my bed under the stars. But a man can dream…

 “The One Without the Motorhome”

My Friends™ are wondering what might have been too. All the big questions. What if Ross hadn’t found out his wife was a lesbian? What if Chandler has quit his job? What if Monica was still fat?

This is one of the problems with lockdown. There’s so much time to think things, inevitably thoughts turn to how things could have been different. Even if New York is seemingly unaffected by the pandemic.

Would the grass be greener on the otherside? Or would we be living in some darker timeline?

Thanks to the magic of TV, we can get a glimpse into this alternate universe, where Joey’s still playing Dr Drake Ramoray, Rachel never left Barry at the altar, and Ross is still a massive loser.

It’s a bit like “Friends™ does Rick and Morty” and, fortunately for me, is a great opportunity to catch up! As presumably these two episodes don’t actually have any time passing, so keep your eyes peeled for part 2 next week.

But what about me in this alternate universe?

I would almost certainly be making questionable fashion choices like Chandlers backwards cap.

That’s not much different to now, seeing as I’ve now almost finished growing my Rachel.

Would I still be married? Or would we get a reversal of Rachel and Ross’s situation? The choice jokes about them being stuck in loveless marriages being replaced by jokes about me being perpetually single still, or worse, jokes about my divorce.

Option 1:

“We get 50/50 bread, because I like white, and my wife likes brown. So we get compromise bread that’s halfway in between and not as good as either, which is exactly what marriage is like.”

Option 2:

“Hey guys, anyone here on Tindr™?? Woo, yerh! You know it’s a lot older than you’d think. In fact, when she died, even Joan of Arc was on tinder.”

I honestly don’t know what’s worse…

Oh wait, I do. Joey and Rachel hooking up because she’s a big fan of Days of our Lives™. Joey and Rachel together?? That’d be ridiculous.

Any more ridiculous than me being with Rachel Number 1, Doctor Phalange, or Chandler Number 1?

Ok, fair enough…

Ross taking up Karat-AY is eerily close to me wanting to take up boxing. Unlike him that’s to get revenge on my brother-in-law instead of out of sexual frustration.

It’s weird that alternate reality Ross is somehow even more tragic. Although he does seem to see his kid more often. Isn’t this supposed to be them imagining a better world where things were different? I guess it makes sense for him to think things would be worse if he hadn’t had the first divorce.

Monica, too, seems happier with how things are now. Good for her! I’m usually quick to defend the show about the fat jokes about Monica, but it does seem to go a little far in this episode. She’s not even that fat, and yet apparently it means she’s a thirty year old virgin. Oh Monica, do you really have that low an opinion of yourself?

I don’t think we’ve ever found out how the Friends™ met Phoebe. But apparently she’d still hang out with us if she was a millionaire. Popping into Central Perk™ whilst rushing round selling stocks and bonds. Gunther would be lucky man with the tips she could give.

It’s a bit odd they all still know each other really, sure they’re only changing one thing, but wouldn’t the butterfly effect have swung this way out of control? I suppose it’s because their stopping off points are after the age people make most of their friends.

I’d probably have mostly the same friends too. Apart from in my job, and people my wife knows, I’ve barely made any new mates in the past decade. Unless you count the Friends. Which I definitely do.

Oh God. What if I’d never met them? A world without Friends™? It doesn’t bare thinking about.

Chandler being hired by Joey makes me think of another thing that would be different. What if I didn’t work for MY friends? My bosses are nowhere near as bad as Joey, but I do often wonder how things would be different if I’d stuck with my original plan of switching jobs every couple of years.

Based on how stressed I am without doing that I’d probably end up like Phoebe.

Heart attack at thirty-one.

And if I was still smoking? Jesus, I’d be more than three grand worse off from that alone.

It’s difficult to know after my little dalliance with mental health issues, but I’m now reasonably satisfied I’ve yet to have a heart attack.

A few months back I was driving home with the baby. And felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unlike anything I’d felt before. I was left with my heart pounding, sweaty palms, feeling weak and had to do the responsible thing: pull over, and call my mum to help. Not at all emasculating.

Now, after weeks of therapy, I realised it was very shortly after Dr Phalange told me, thanks to my diet, body type, and history of smoking, I was a primo risk for a heart condition.

So naturally when I felt a twinge in my chest from anxiety, I had what is known as a “catastrophic, misinterpretation reaction” where my body flew into panic. A vicious cycle of heart pounding, leading to more oxygen, leading to more worry, leading to heart beating faster, leading to the assumption I’d had a heart attack.

I wonder what life would have been like without a pandemic, would I have still gone through that then? What about with a pandemic but no child? Would my wife have shrugged off the virus with the relative ease that I did? No need to deal with it all.

Would we have been free to do something else? Move to Australia, get a motorhome, and wait for all this to blow over?

I guess we’ll never know, never know, never know…
 
Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A short one.

After realising it’s been over a year of me not painting the fence, I painted the fence!!
It’s dried nicely now. And I can clearly see I’ve painted it a different shade to the ones next to it.

Bugger.

Unlucky, Ross, looks like Reece Witherspoon will not be your number eight.

This is what you get when your dating technique consists of showing women slides of fossils.

"Next Slide Please"

I wouldn’t fair much better, in discussion with my wife the other day I came to the conclusion I never dated properly (the upside being I’ve also never been dumped). Have I missed out? Or was that hellish period of perpetual singledom punctuated by drunken hook-ups good enough?

It’s not so bad when we can go on dates, but it’s been a year now since we’ve done one properly!

We even did nothing for Valentine’s Day this year. Which is actually good as it’s only cropping up in Friends™ now.

We sometimes bemoan missing out on the opportunity to do dating apps. But she is getting to experience something similar. She’s got an app that is basically Tindr™ for mums. Yep! They swipe the usual way, and get hooked up with people to arrange play-dates (or trips to wine bars in the evening).

I’ve been informed there isn’t the equivalent for dads, which is for the best given I haven’t even bothered to talk to the guys in the NCT group for the last year.

I only hope she doesn’t meet a lady she likes a bit TOO much and leave me for a lesbian.

 “The One With the Scared Baby”

Joey may have very strict rules when it comes to dating your friends’ sisters. But apparently they don’t apply to watching your mate’s sister in porn.

Yes, it’s the classic “oh my god, Phoebe’s a porn star, no wait it’s her twin sister” episode.

I remember all this very well; I must have seen it quite a few times. Not for the porn, which is PG at best, it must have just been on a lot. Some of these jokes are filthy for something we watched as kids though!

The attitude to sex workers is a little dated, but you can still understand Phoebe not wanting her sister doing it under her name. But spare a thought for Ursula, not only entering an industry about to be decimated by the advent of free internet porn, but also wouldn’t it suck if you were having sex and your partner kept calling out your sisters name??

It’s weird this doesn’t really get resolved isn’t it? Phoebe goes to see Ursula who refuses to stop, so Phoebe steals her pay, and that’s just the end of it? With an anticlimax like that you’d want your money back.

It is fun while it lasts. I think we can agree, if you found out one of your friends was in porn, you would watch it wouldn’t you? At least all of us Friends™ did.

The other thing happening this week was we found out Chandler can’t cry!

A bit weird, but I think something a lot of men can relate to. I think we go through phases. I remember after the quite hardening experience of school I didn’t cry for many years until my first grandfather died. Even then I was relatively numb until we arrived at his old house, a place of great familiarity from my childhood, and I snuck into his room for some quiet time only to find an empty glasses case on the side.

From then, much like Chandler, I found it a lot easier to cry at things. The floodgates were open. Films, music, you name it. I think there’s a lot of truth that if you go a bit too long without crying it can all build up and do a lot damage. Which was certainly borne out a year ago when I spent months contently pottering around my garden, determined to feel the whole world going to hell as little as possible. Before the floodgates opened.

If only I’d seen this episode then, and listened to Joey, the unlikely poster boy for positive male emotional expression.

Welcome to the club Chandler. Just try not to do it in public. No-one wants that.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

There is no shame in crying at things that are sad, and hey, if you’re an actual baby you can cry everyday for sometimes no reason at all.

My bairns getting a lot braver and happier as she’s getting older, thankfully. Although she did completely lose her shit the other day.

I was doing the bedtime routine, and my wife used the opportunity for some pampering.

But, never one to fully switch off from motherhood, she came in to check on things. Cue baby crying, us confused as to why before eventually realising it was that my wife was wearing a dark mud face mask, sporting the sort of look that would get you a light entertainment slot in the fifties, or not hinder your chance of re-election in Canada.

Yep, my wife’s skincare products looked a little less than PC, and our baby was absolutely not having it.

God the younger generation are so woke now, aren’t they?

At last my stair gates remain affixed to the wall.

A testament to mankind’s engineering prowess, and my ability to always shut them as carefully as possible, running over and moving the baby back to the centre of the room if she gets to close.

Sure the only reason we got it was so we wouldn’t have to keep moving her back to the centre of the room but… baby steps.

Oh God… she’s gonna be so much harder to stop when she can walk.

“The One With a Bit Too Much Honesty, If You Ask Me”

Joey’s giving out free stuff in the coffee shop to pretty ladies. Gunther’s not too happy about it, but I say you have to take free stuff from work where you can get it. I even got my sister a birthday present from work this year.

And who’s this knocking at the door?

It’s a pretty priceless reaction as the friends hear the knock and realise that all seven of us are already in the flat.

It’s Rachel’s sister, played by Reese Witherspoon!! Half way between Cruel Intentions and Legally Blonde. That girl’s gona be a star!!

Oh my, Rachel’s accidentally talked her sister into dating Ross! Who’s a little too eager to go along with it if you ask me.

Is Rachel’s sister going to become Ross’s eighth sexual partner?!? We’ll have to wait and see.

This is a bit of an insensitive time for her to show up however. As you’ll all know from slavishly reading the blog. Lockdown last year was precipitated by my wife’s musical theatre group being shut down right as they were about to put on a show. What show do you ask? Legally Blonde!!

And here we are exactly a year on from the Pandemic™ gracing our shores.

And, in bigger news, a year since we got our fence fixed! Mad props to me for managing to go the whole year without painting the new bits.

Monica’s refusing to acknowledge her illness after being sent home from work. Oh no! It hasn’t reached the Friends has it!? They’ve been so careful. Never breaking the rule of six.

Her protestations that she’s strong and never gets sick sounds a lot like me just over a year ago. I don’t think I’ve ever so swiftly been taught a lesson not to be so blasé. Immediately getting it and passing it to my pregnant wife.

We were a lot luckier than other people, we got through it. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say it impacted us both heavily. And in ways I wouldn’t have expected. This sudden reminder of the fragility of life, of my own mortality, and how I’m no longer just responsible for my own health played havoc with my mind for the last year.

And I only just feel I’m returning to a sense of normality, of control over my own thoughts. Not fearing anxious thoughts spiralling out of control. Panic attacks hitting me when driving my daughter somewhere. I don’t know. Was it the Covid, or was this something all new parents go through to a lesser or greater degree?

I’ve been helped in part by finally getting some professional help. Honestly, men will ring their GP three times to find there’s no appointments available rather than go to therapy.

Eventually my mum pointed me in the direction of our county’s wellbeing team, who were able to give me a couple of sessions. It definitely helped, although the therapist did somewhat undermine my recovery from anxiety over my health by casually pointing out in the last session my symptoms were the same as “Long Covid” ™. You mean I’ve got that as well?!?

Oh great…

I don’t think I do. One of the things I realised was that pretty much everything I got trapped in a spiral over was things I felt and experienced before the pandemic. I’d just lost my ways of coping with them. I’m sure many people have experienced the same.

But is this really why you’re here?? No, this is a Friends™ blog damn it. Back to Monica trying to get Chandler to sleep with her.

I don’t especially see a problem with sick sex, though it’s a bit like drunk sex. Great if you’re both in that state, but if only one of you’s sick or drunk it’s gross.

There certainly wasn’t any risk of us having sex this time last year. It’s a bit of a film cliché that people start furiously banging the second the world ends, but in reality there’s far too much to do. Like continually listening to your partners breathing/coughing to check for any signs of illness. Now you’d be far more likely to socially distance at a sign of illness rather than grabbing the vaporub for a bit of tingly sex.

I never thought when we got married I’d learn the exact time and reason for all of my wife’s daily coughs. But at least now I know they’re not because of anything out of the ordinary.

And, hey, before last year I never would have known we always cough after a cup of tea because we don’t have a water filter and the last sip always has all the scum in it. The things you learn when you take a break and really pay attention…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It’s amazing what you can get used to.

Only six months ago we were spooked by a man walking into our garden in the dark autumn evening.

Now we’ve got through winter, and I’ve lost count of the number of times it’s happened.

It seems the massive upshoot in home deliveries and takeaways lead to a great many people taking up a job they didn’t really have the sixth sense for. Or, an accurate enough version of Google Maps™.

We’ve regularly found people walking past our window of an evening, looking for a mystery house before realising they’re trespassing and performing a swift U-turn. What once made us fearful now makes us laugh as our TV watching is interrupted for the umpteenth time that evening.

Perhaps I should set a chair outside and sit there brandishing a shotgun. I’d love to drawl a southern “get of my land” at someone before hastily adding “oh no wait, is that a McDonalds™? I’ll take that please”.

Hopefully it won’t be long before the pandemic, too, becomes something to laugh about rather than be fearful of.

After all my difficulty putting up the stairgate last time or, more accurately, my wife’s difficulty in not pulling it off the wall, we’ve had to get ANOTHER one. It’s the only way we can stop our baby going into the kitchen and continuing her mission to explore strange new floors, to boldly pick up and eat anything, regardless of whether it’s food or not.

So, once again, I have a chance to show my DIY prowess! And this one went much better. Until a week later, when our now “learning to stand” baby leant on it and pulled it off the wall too. Who is selling stairgates that can’t withstand the weight of a baby?!?

And before you say it, YES, I followed the instructions perfectly.

It’s now re-attached in a much less aesthetically pleasing, but much more secure way.

Although I expect the cat will somehow barrel through it any second.

“The One With the Second Poorly Designed Stairgate”

Much like my pride in my ability to perform basic household improvement tasks, Janine is gone.

I can’t say I’ll miss her, her character mostly served as someone for Joey/Chandler/Ross to perve over. Joey, too, doesn’t seem that fussed. Mostly he’s concerned he can no longer afford cable, sneaking round to Chandler’s to watch their TV. For the young people, this was the olden days equivalent of stealing your mates Netflix™ password.

Perhaps he should spend less time watching TV and a bit more playing with his Chick and Duck? Where the hell are they??

I imagine “can you stop watching TV and spend some time with our daughter?” is something I’d be hearing a lot more of if there was anything else to do right now. But with Janine gone, I have no choice but to get a job in the coffee shop. Sorry, not me, Joey. Wait, what year is this? How long have we been inside again?

It’s a bit sad Joey feels the need to hide that he’s now working at the coffee shop. It’s easy to forget he was, briefly, quite a successful actor. But he now he finds himself in the position a lot of creative’s are struggling with. The work just isn’t there. And poor Joey can’t even retrain in cyber.

It’s a timely reminder of how, even in the best of times, forging a career in the arts can be a slog. Though I don’t think any of the wealth of talent being forced to take jobs in other sectors right now will take much comfort from Joey being in a similar position. At least he can take a job in a café!

Less depressingly, Phoebe’s foolishly answered the hypothetical question of whether she’d rather date Monica or Rachel.

I think Monica takes it a lot more to heart than you would. We’re quite used to our Real Live Friends telling us harsh truths, certainly by this age? I would at least expect Monica and Rachel to have more self-awareness by now. But, hey, they’ve got to get the jokes from somewhere! It’s a fun twist that, for once, Phoebe is the one in touch with how she’s seen by others (“I’m flaky I’ll say anything”).

Joke’s are the other source of consternation, this time among Chandler and Ross who can’t agree who wrote a joke printed in Playboy™. There’s not much to say here, as it’s the same thing over and over, and I don’t think I’ve ever been in a dispute over authorship of a joke.

You need to be able to write good jokes for that. (Ho Ho).

But it’s nice seeing Courtney Cox suppressing her laughter as Chandler and Ross attempt to sway Monica to decide who wrote the joke.

It’s fun to consider who you would pick to date out of the Friends™. Answers on a postcard please!!

I definitely wouldn’t pick Chandler, Joey, or Ross. Not because they’re men, they’d just all be awful to date. My wife told me she’d pick Monica, to which I responded “Because she’d clean up after you?”

“No." she replied coldly "Because she could cook nice meals for me.”

Oh… woops. Maybe I WOULD date Chandler. That way I wouldn’t be the only one putting my foot in my mouth.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Our support bubble has just got a bit more supportive, as they’ve now been vaccinated! So we went round again to catch up, and play with the kittens.

Unfortunately Marcel the Monkey (our baby) brought her desire to pick up and eat things from the floor with her. She was unable to catch the kittens but, after relaxing our guard for the faintest of seconds, we noticed she was chewing something.

The usual scrabble to stop her swallowing commenced, as we pleaded with her to open her mouth. Eventually my wife managed to prise it open and fished out what she was eating. Only to realise, with abject horror, it was a fingernail.

I’ve heard of people biting their fingernails but this is ridiculous.

Things are heating up, and the snow has melted.

Things are heating up for Joey too. Or would be, if he hadn’t immediately left Janine to tell the others about their kiss.

Is this a two parter?

I don’t think so, it seems a bit of time drops between the first scene and Chonica and Jonine’s double date. It’s nice they’re finally developing Janine a bit, and Joey and her seem a good fit. Leaving aside any grumbles about her emphatically rejecting him a few episodes ago as she didn’t find him attractive.

Now that’s what I call top notch character writing.

 “The One With the Stairgate”

The guest characters may be all over the place, but at least the joke writing’s still top drawer, with even simply repeating a single word getting good laughs.

Alas, Joey’s attempts at making an excuse don’t get Janine out of going on a second date with the “Bla” Chandler and “Little but Loud” Monica.

My wife is definitely little but loud, I think a big key to the longevity of our relationship comes down to me finally finding someone I can always hear in pubs. Or now always hear when I’m upstairs, in the kitchen, or on the toilet. She’s always there...

I totally get the difficulty in the getting to know the friends phase of courting. In many ways it can have as big an impact as the stereotypically terrifying “meet the parents” moment. I think realising we got on well with each others friends was a big part of what made things so easy when we first got together.

But now a brief moment from our sponsors:

This episode is brought to you by the marketing board of Pottery Barn™

Rachel, much like the people we bought our house from, is STILL getting her mail delivered to her old address. Seriously, it’s been three frickin years.

So when Monica gives her her latest Pottery Barn™ brochure, it’s time to do the one thing I don’t miss from before lockdown, and hit the shops! But, oh no, Phoebe doesn’t like this sort of mass produced furniture so it’s down to Rachel to persuade her their new table is an opium soaked antique.

Anyone else wondering why Phoebe knows what opium smells like?? We really do need that gritty prequel.

Once again Phoebe and Ross not getting on is fertile ground for comedy, as Rachel tries to hide the fact he’s bought the same table.

I’m surprised they haven’t explored this more, the potential between a scientist and new ager being forced together. Perhaps it’s too obvious compared to things like them adopting a chick and duck?

Hang on, where are the chick and duck?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My very own Marcel the Monkey (aka: my baby) has been giving us a bit of trouble now she’s more mobile.

She’s taken to putting even the smallest speck from the floor into her mouth. Mud, catfood, you name it. I don’t think my pride in her developing a solid pincer grip quite matches my pride in her simultaneously disproving the theories of natural selection and intelligent design.

This means it’s finally time to get a stair gate! I did try to persuade my wife to let me get a Stargate™ instead, to a typically blank response. Honestly, am I only person who still cares about the 90s??

Anyway, the thing arrived, and I slaved away at putting it up, first realising that ticking the filter saying “No Screws” had somehow resulted in us buying a stairgate that very much had screws. Then finding out, for some reason, my drill is perfectly fine at going into masonry but can only make it a few millimetres into a wooden banister. Honestly, how are there birds better at making a hole than my power tool?!?

And, finally, realising it would be held up by the tension alone so didn’t actually need to be screwed in. At least that’s what I thought until my wife came home, tried it for the first time, and fell right through it.

Sure, maybe I should have shown a bit more concern for my wife than the stairgate… but you try spending all afternoon putting something together only for it to end up hanging off the wall within seconds of use.

Maybe I should look into befriending a woodpecker?

It’s finally Christmas™!!

But also, thanks to the filming requirements of Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, it’s New Years Eve!

Hooray!!

Hang on; didn’t I go through all this a month ago?

Well actually, no…

 “The One Without New Years”

Yep, even more tragically than Christmas™, we spent our first New Years as parents doing nothing.

Maybe half a bottle of Prosecco each? We didn’t even stay up till the countdown.

To rub things in further Monica refers to Christmas™ as “about being with the people you love”. Thanks Monica. Ya bitch. If Christmas is about being with the people you love, isn’t New Years about being with people you like a lot but can only stand to be around whilst steaming drunk?

No wait, that is Christmas™.

Two people who don’t need drinks to enjoy New Years are Monica and Ross! Merely appearing on the aforementioned New Years special is enough to get them giddy with excitement and busting out their 8th grade dance routine.

Even though the dance is wonderfully lame it’s nice seeing them having a good time and geeking out like proper siblings. I definitely didn’t have similar routines with my sisters. No sirree…

I can understand the excitement, given the rest of us aren’t allowed to do anything. But seriously Monica, get some tact.

Surprisingly, Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve is a real thing! It’s aired on American TV almost every year since 1973, even to the present day. A bit like Jools Hollands Hootenany with less of an air of embarrassment.

Well, excluding the embarrassment of Monica and Ross.

Monica’s absence gives the others an opportunity to search for their Christmas presents. I’ve never really got this. It’s very unsportsmanlike. My Cannibal Boss is notorious for doing it, to the extent their partner hid dummy presents several years ago. Just like Monica!! Hang on maybe this is where they got the idea?! Oh this Chicken and Egg situation is getting out of hand.

One Chicken and Egg situation that’s not out of hand is the Chick and Duck, who haven’t been seen for five whole months. I was beginning to think they’d had them for Thanksgiving! Hey, it would beat beef trifle.

I wonder how Elle Macpherson feels about the whole situation?? What’s worse? Finally moving into a flat only to realise you have share it with a Chick and a Duck, or realising you have to share it with Joey? She must be cool with both given Joey and her get together at the end of the episode. It’s a sweet moment, but a little undercut by her clearly stating several weeks ago she’s not into him. At least the show's consistent in not having her be a real character.

The Chick and Duck only make a brief appearance. I’m surprised we never got an episode where Joey and Chandler fight over paternity after he moved out. Damn that would have been good, I should have written for this show.

Rachel suckers Chandler into looking for the presents by making him worried Monica will get him a great present, and lots of little ones, and how it’ll make her feel bad if he’s only got her one.

I didn’t have to worry about this as we agreed to just get one present this year due to the difficulties of the current situation.

And then, of course, my wife DID get me several presents, making me look a right prick in front of her family. Utterly selfish if you ask me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We attempted to make use of our support bubble again, mostly as my mother in law has got two new kittens. Hopefully no-one will judge me for this. Personally I consider seeing new kittens an INCREDIBLY essential journey. I wonder how Dominic Cummings feels about it?

Any questions of morality were irrelevant in the end, as we never made it to the motorway.

The first snow of the year had come in, marking a nice change from the usual sights, but making the hill out of town unassailable. It was a little a scary time as we eeked our way up, cars stopping and starting, slipping in front of us. One truck losing its tread could have meant the end of us, baby, and Real Live Friends.

But we got through it, making a swift U-turn at the top of the hill. Like Boris Johnson contemplating lockdown restrictions. And we went down again and headed home. Like the Grand Old Duke of York.

Both of us relieved, but sweating slightly more than the current Duke of York.

Here we are, part three of the “Is it Christmas yet???” special. Where, like Narnia, it’s always winter but never Christmas.

“The One With the Park Failure”

And the Friends™ have finally reached Thanksgiving™!

It’s essentially a bottle episode, Thanksgiving™ dinner at Monica and Chan Chans, whilst Joey and Ross are desperate to leave for the party hosted by Elle “not a character” Macpherson. Incidentally, Joey’s on prime creep behaviour here, turning up the heating in his flat to try and get the women to strip off. But WHAT A BOTTLE EPISODE. With perhaps the greatest sketch of the show, Rachel’s beefed up trifle.

Rachel’s attempts at cooking for the first time go much worse than my attempt at Christmas dinner (3 stars) as the pages of the cookbook are stuck together. This gives an opportunity for quite possibly the dirtiest joke in the show, as Joey turns to blame Chandler. My wife is so innocent I had to explain that one to her… Chandler’s into food? Who knew… whatever next, Sharks?!?

We were all forced to pretend to like the Trifle to save Rachel’s feelings, with the exception of Joey who loves beef trifle almost as much as he loves trying to get on the sex offender register. He goes so far as eating everyone’s leftovers, guzzling them down with all the abandon of a baby unaware that choking is a thing.

Yep, our baby has finally started solids, as if I needed another daily dose of something to panic about, but is doing great so far. Even if I can’t bring myself to eat the leftovers. Think I’ve put on enough weight in lockdown without it thank you very much…

She’s reached the ‘3 Men and a Baby Stage’, crawling round and creating as much mischief as possible. Only without the added sexiness of Tom Selleck.

(This was a real film)

The only thing I couldn’t quite enjoy was the, usually welcome, return of the Gellar parents. Not from anything to do with them, it just made me a little sad again to have missed my parents at Christmas™.

But it shouldn’t be long now! It’ll all be over much before I finish watching this bloody TV show.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I was looking after the baby the other day and realised I had half an hour to kill before the next bottle and nap, so decided to take her down the park. She’s already into the swings, or indeed, moving in any way, and they’re a lot easier than carrying her.

But I’d got my timings terribly wrong, and half way there she started falling asleep. Oh no! You shouldn’t sleep till after the bottle, crap, gotta get back, gotta get back.

We made it and, mercifully, she still slept and I was allowed my forty minutes of respite.

The next day I tried to go again. Half the sky blue, half the sky grey. “It’ll be alright” I thought, only a little bit of rain if it catches us. But no, once again the swings were not to be as by the time we got to the park we were enveloped in a thick blizzard.

Yes, it’s very exciting for her to see snow for the first time. But please, God, let me get to the park tomorrow. There’s only so much pacing round the living room a man can take.

Christmas at my mother-in-laws was an atypically quiet affair.

No-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. No-one punched me in the face.

Mostly we tried to make the best of the situation, grateful we were able to be together unlike so many others. Remembering better times and avoiding politics at all costs. As if we were making a new Star Wars™ movie (1 Star).

 “The One With the Sad Christmas”

And now it’s back to work, a wondrous time of quiet reflection on how much easier dealing with things was when we could just relax and follow the babies schedule.

Appropriately this is a boss heavy episode. One specifically: Ralph Lauren.

The big man himself shows up. Mostly to put a bit of animosity between Rachel and her immediate superior. You’ve got to wonder what they paid him to walk in and out of a lift a couple of times without doing anything.

Joey rather hits the nail on the head as the Friends™ ponder why their boss doesn’t like them:

“Maybe it’s because you’re all hanging round here at 11.30 on a Wednesday?”

Now we finally know how they seem to be spending so much time in Central Perk!! They’ve been playing hookie the whole time. Or maybe they’re just on Furlough?

It’s frustrating that, with the on-again, off-again nature of work at the moment I’ve finally got a chance to get into all sorts of Shenanigans like the Friends™ but can’t because of having a baby. Yep, that’s the only reason… *stares forlornly out the window*

I did get to go into work briefly before Christmas. What a way to discover I now habitually refer to myself as “daddy” in the third person.

“Daddy needs to make some tea” I muttered, as my boss tried to hold in a laugh.

Another person with their hand over their mouth to save embarrassment is Ross. The big idiot has bleached his teeth for too long. Oh, how we laughed. The problem with this is, it is Hollywood after all, so really his teeth look no whiter than Monica’s. But fair play, the UV light did make my wife laugh so much she woke up the baby. Thanks a lot Friends™… I thought you were on our side?!

It’s a shame we don’t get more from Ross’s date, who’s played by Missi Pyle. Any comedy fan should know her best from Dodgeball™ and Galaxy Quest™.

She’d certainly be able to bring more personality than Elle Macpherson who is barely even a character.

Perhaps the writing is to blame? There’s a lot of Toxic Masculinity™ here, more than we’ve had for a while. Chandler and Joey checking out her room, and obsessing over the “girlie” things she brings in the flat. I do get the feeling of attachment to the old place though. It reminds me of when we moved out of our student house after three years, and Dr Phalange went and peeked over the wall one day to see what they’d done with her garden.

Even now, after over a decade, people take and share the odd picture of the gates of the halls where we all met. It’s sad to think of so many students this year having that experience ruined for them.

Most of the Toxic Masculinity™ seems to be coming from Chandler, but the attitude underpinning it all is quite sexist. Often in the show his behaviour would be held up and mocked; certainly nowadays the joke would be more at his insecurity. But here it’s presented more as Joey being in the wrong for being interested in the things Elle Macpherson likes.

Come on guys, it’s 1999.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Our Christmas™ was tinged with sadness for another reason this year. (As if you couldn’t get enough). My wife’s family cat, almost as old as this episode, got into difficulty a few days before Christmas. It was clear that the end was pretty close, but he soldiered on through Christmas.

This lead to a bit of unexpected humour, his difficulty moving meant our revelry was sporadically interrupted by us realising he hadn’t been to the litter tray for a while and that he was about to “go off” if we didn’t urgently take him there ourselves.

The worst time was when he was, somewhat foolishly, on the sofa. I was playing with our baby who is completely obsessed with cats right now, but got a little too close and scared the piss out of him. My mother-in-law desperately picked him up to stop him peeing on the sofa, carrying him across the living room to the litter tray, a huge gush of piss flying out the whole time.

Baby was laughing at the whole thing. I think she’s relieved she wasn’t the only one pissing herself anymore.

In the true spirit of Friends™ we had our own moment of pathos at the end. Right as we were getting up to leave he mustered the strength to walk again and came up to us all in the middle of the floor, baby and all. It was a lovely moment to all say goodbye, and get some beautiful pictures of him with three generations to remember him by.

Happy Holidays!

Or, not. As the case may be.

Yes, Christmas™ has come and gone. And it’s becoming MY Christmas™ tradition to be slightly behind Friends™ at this point, not quite getting to the yearly Thanksgiving episode that calibrates my quest.

At least no-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. Or, they may have done. We wouldn’t have known.

“The One Where I Miss Christmas”

It’s already New Years and, despite timey-wimey shenanigans meaning the Friends™ haven’t done Thanksgiving yet, Rachel and Phoebe are getting in the spirit by going for a run.

Well, Rachel’s going for a run. Phoebe is doing whatever the hell she’s doing. It’s nice for her to have a chance to flex some physical comedy muscles, and I’m sure a lot of us can relate to the unadultered joy of running wildly through the park. Screaming internally.

My wife’s new years’ resolution is to take up the couch to 5k charge. Good luck to her!! Personally I’m going for the “couch to literally anywhere else”. And I never thought I’d say that. 2020 has changed me, man…

One thing that hasn’t changed is Friends™ propensity for dropping in special guest stars with questionable acting ability, and this time it’s the form of Elle Macpherson who, I’m reliably informed by a Google™ image search, was a supermodel. And believe me, it was a very thorough image search.

She’s Joey’s unlikely new roommate, causing him to question Chandler and Ross on the secret to repelling women. Poor guy is completely unaware that by 2020 his creepy behaviour will suffice. And HELLO. I’m right here Joey! I could write a book on repelling women. Excluding my relatives I’ve only spoken to one all year. Of course, the book would be SO good women would no longer be able to get into the bookshops. In fact, I think that may already be happening… Damn, I’m good.

Over with Mondler (I swear I coined that, but here Ross is using it. I should charge him royalties). Over with CHANICA, there’s a lot of boxes being unpacked. Which is giving me major flashbacks to the height of lockdown, the endless trudge of me recycling my wife’s Amazon™ boxes, and the next day another delivery arriving. Boxes. Soo many boxes.

It did give us a bit of fun, putting baby in a box full of packing chips like a makeshift ball pit. God I miss the days of the work Christmas™ party taking us to a club that’s a giant ball pit.

Once he’s done, Chandler tries to treat Monica by tidying up, only for everything to be out of place. Like Monica something like this would really throw me out of whack. But, now we’ve had some time with the baby I’m more used to things being cluttered. If anything, after staring at the same four walls for so long, I’m craving a bit of variety in our feng shui. I’ve never been so relieved to put up the Christmas tree.

Come to think of it, I can’t believe its taken Chandler the whole holiday to move!! To be fair to him, it took the whole time for me to make our home videos into one long video. I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be easy now?!

Despite my video editing woe, you’d think I’d manage to squeeze in another episode, but it’s no biggy not getting to Thanksgiving yet, as we missed Christmas™ in both senses of the word.

After years of hoping, Christmas™ was finally cancelled! The one year I was actually looking forward to it; babies first Christmas™. My chance to off-load her on some relatives for a bit.

The last minute announcement was pretty devastating, to us and millions of other households. Not least because we hadn’t bought any food. However! With a newborn, we’re exceptionally lucky, as we have her (naturally), but (mostly) it means we can form a support bubble with one other household. Rescuing our plans a little, but meaning a difficult choice.

(Incidentally, they kept this loophole bloody quiet. Half the parents we know weren’t aware of it. Presumably as it applies to our erstwhile Prime Minister. Wonder who he picked? With at least six children by at least three women, it’s surely the hardest choice he’s made all year.)

Our choice was essentially made for us, as my parents decided to bubble with my younger sister who lives alone. Christmas™ with my mother-in-law?? Great! If only jokes about that were still in vogue.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

When the pre-Christmas wait got a bit too much, we decided to take a trip to a National Trust area near us.

Sure it was pissing it down, but maybe over there the weather was better. We needed to get out the house.

After an uncomfortable journey, agonising over whether the weather would change, (and whether we should turn back) we arrived. And I found the “really cool monument that's right up your street” my wife promised was actually an unimpressive middling column. And it was still raining.

First things first, we found the baby change toilets, and sorted the source of the car journeys nasal discomfort out.

And, oo lovely, there’s a café with outdoor service! Just have to go back across that huge muddy puddle blocking the baby change. My shoes in a state of woeful disrepair which would make a cobbler call in sick. They were utterly unsuited to the task at hand. I was completely underprepared. My feet were going to get wet.

But I made it, with all the grace of Sherlock besting Moriarty at the Reichenbach Falls. Only to find there was a one way system. Of course there was. Even if we were the only customers in a 5 mile radius. I dutifully obliged, and swam back across the puddle.

After we bought our drinks we thought, maybe it was a bit too wet to walk around after all and decided to go home.

It was a long way to go just to change a nappy. But ultimately worth it to get a cup of tea that tasted slightly different to the one at home.

A bit of good news at last! I can confirm, after my wife’s shocking admission she thought I smelt good, that she is NOT pregnant again.

I really am just a god of smell.

It’s truly the greatest tragedy of 2020 that I can’t share my stench with other people.

 “The One With All the Coughing”

The winds of change are in the air. Blowing my smell all over the place. I really do need that shower…

It’s nearing the end of the year. And the end of an era, as it’s time for Rachel and Chandler to move out. No more Joey and Chan Chans…

And what better way to mark this occasion than for David Schwimmer to direct his first episode!

If you ask me he’s earned a break after all the Ross he’s had to deal with this year.

He does a decent enough job, but it’s an episode low on humour and high on pathos. Barely anything’s happening, and there’s a pervading sense of melancholy. And the same is true of this Friends™ episode.

Joey and Chan Chan plan to mark the occasion by doing nothing at all. But fall into the trap of telling Monica. No surprises, Rachel hasn’t packed yet and the boys are dangerously close to getting roped into helping. Guys, haven’t you learned you can’t plan to do nothing anymore? Particularly not with a baby. Ok, maybe I’m projecting a little…

I’m sure many other people have experienced this. Isolating with your partners, you reach a certain point where it starts to become difficult to do your own thing. You can have all the time in the world, yet the worst thing you can say is “I don’t want to do something with you this evening”.

As Joey and Chandler discover, if you want a bit of space, you’ve got to make PLANS. As long as they don’t involve doing nothing.

Someone who’s failed at making plans is my sister, who hasn’t had a great time this year. She’s started hoarding a bunch of stuff in her flat, which has put Rachel’s room to shame. My poor mother and father had to help clean it up. With none of the enthusiasm of Monica helping Rachel pack.

This goes some way to explaining my mother’s attitude in trying to get me to take the tumble dryer. The stress of dealing with my sister has made her mother her other children a bit too keenly. We still haven’t found any space for it. Maybe there’s some way I can connect it IN my car? I could offer a portable laundrette service to people.

Oo. I just got a weird pang of nostalgia. Remembering Rachel and Ross’s first kiss in the laundrette. Sometimes I forget how far we have come together.

It’s strange that when I started this idiotic project, one of the main goals was to encourage me to stay in touch with my Real Live Friends. It’s never been harder than this year.

Rachel is leaving, but only moving twenty blocks. Chandler’s only moving across the hall. What’s the big deal?? I’ve already lost Joey Number 1. It’s almost a year since I tried to re-establish contact and he’s just surreptitiously removed himself from our WhatsApp™ group.

And now David the Science Guy AND Monica Number 2 are about to emigrate for work for a few years. Not together, it should be said. Imagine the furore that would cause! Phoebe would be devastated…

Chandler Number 1 has already been abroad for a few years, though still joins our Zoom™ catchups. Maybe that’s a positive to take from this year? We’ve probably all been together MORE than we would have. Leaving aside any discussion about quantity over quality…

But it’s pretty devastating to have lost the last free year for a while with not one but two other couples. More so given David the Science Guy is about to embark on the same journey of parenthood as me. New parents can feel isolated and cut off from their friends, I’m not going to lie, doing it cut off from my non-New York based Friends™ has been hard.

Monica isn’t the only one who’s cut deep by Rachel pointing out she only gets calls from her partner and mother.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We did have some respite recently, we were able to leave baby with a grandparent and go out to a restaurant. Our second such evening since becoming parents. Our second date of 2020.

It was a jolly affair, and delicious, a needed reminder of what a good time we can have together. For a second we were able to forget all the difficulties the year has brought, and the world around us. Until a heavily spiced sizzling dish was brought to one of the tables opposite, and everyone in the room simultaneously started coughing.

Even with this reminder of the outside danger, it didn’t put a dampener on things. Quite the opposite, as we all fell about laughing.

Humour will get us through.