Parenthood is full of milestones.

First time they sleep through the night, first laugh, first time watching Friends™ together.

Yep, baby’s finally noticed the TV, and is staring in awe at the antics of Rachel, Ross & Co.

I’m, obviously, delighted to be sharing this with her. As my wife looks on disapprovingly…

The first laugh was pretty special too. Mostly because I got it! Ha Ha, I win. All it took was a silly little song. I’m lucky I felt bonded with the baby straight away, but there’s a sense (confirmed by talking to my male dad friends) that the end of the first three months is when you really start to feel like a dad.

It takes a while for things to sink in with men.

That was a joke (with, perhaps, a tiny pinch of truth…). It’s more that after the “fourth trimester” they start to give so much more back that every interaction feels imbued with huge significance. As Ross Number 1 observed “it’s crazy babies haven’t evolved to smile from day one, it would make parenthood a lot easier.”

It’s been an incredible journey so far. Every little leap is filled with excitement. For us, if not other people. And I finally get it, after years of sneering at parents, I can understand how a baby rolling over is the most exciting thing in the world. When you see it day by day, how slow and how long it takes to develop a new consciousness capable of turning thought into action, the smallest things can seem like climbing Everest.

Or maybe we’re just starved for entertainment?

“The One With the Cat Food”

Oh hey, it’s Ron Glass of Firefly™ fame!

Feels like a while since we’ve had someone I recognise pop up. Perhaps it’s for the best, it’s a bit distracting when famous people show up. Who next? Bruce Willis?! That’d be ridiculous…

Ron puts in a decent turn as Ross’s divorce lawyer. Poor guy. A lawyer hasn’t been this busy since Emily Maitlis interviewed Prince Andrew.

The show is pretty heavily lampshading how ridiculous the whole Rachel and Ross plotline has become if you ask me. It feels like one of those situations where they took a decision for the sake of a twist and are now having to dial back a little.

Although it does give Ross a chance to move forward, now motivated by his desire not to have “three divorces” on his tombstone.

Ross, you can have whatever you want!

Personally, and I’m gona assume my death-date here, I’m going with:

“Alive: 1989 – 2065
Dead: 2065 - ???”

That should keep things covered for the Zombie apocalypse.

Hey, you can’t plan for these things! No matter how hard Phoebe tries.

I’m a lot more positive about Chandler and Monica than Phoebe. I think they’ll go the distance, until Monica dies in a bizarre cleaning accident.

I’m a little put out by them kicking out Rachel though. If I was in a shared flat and my roommates partner was moving in I wouldn’t assume that meant I had to leave either!! Not right away anyway. It’s not like they need the room. And don’t they know there’s a pandemic on???

Maybe it’s because couples living in houseshares is a lot more common these days.

And hey, it might have been fun! There were times in lockdown we could have done with another person to liven things up. At the very least, it would give Rachel a chance to sort out Chandler’s ties.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Mystery solved!!

I came home the other day, my cat, adorably, running out to greet me at the car. But I saw my neighbour through the window, standing at the meowing and heading to his front door.

Intrigued, I waited in my car, hidden under a pile of unused facemasks.

Motherfucker only came out with a box of cat food!

I summoned all my courage, put on my big boy mask, and confronted him.

“Oh, I always feed the cats round here, I’m an animal lover”

“Ok, well could you not, because this lad is severely overweight already.”

“No problem, it’s mostly the other one I see anyway.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t mind her getting a bit extra…”

Hey, I’m not one to turn down free food. Even if it’s cat food!

Welcome back!

It’s officially the second half of Real Live Friends, where I’m watching an episode of Friends™ every two weeks and comparing it to my own life.

We’re five years in, arguably past the glory days of Friends™. And now, no longer in my twenties, it’s all downhill from here.

But, how you doin?

We’ve had a lot of laughs, and some more serious moments. I think we all remember the time I got a tattoo cause the Friends™ told me to. The time I got my identity stolen at the same time as Monica, and when I found out I, too, have a secret half brother. What fun.

Things have changed a great deal from five years ago, for the Friends™ and me.

Ross is on marriage number 3, I’m now married. Ross has a child. I have a child (or a little monkey depending on her mood). Ross has a seemingly cushty job but is struggling with a fragile mental state. I have a seemingly cushty job and am strug… you get the picture.

What I’m saying is, despite my best efforts, I’m becoming Ross. No-one told you life was gona be this way indeed.

 “The One With the Train Ride”

The major difference between now and Friends™ (other than them living in New York and me being forced to the outskirts of London due to spiralling rental costs) is the world is experiencing the largest health crisis for a century. I don’t remember the theme tune warning us about THAT.

But we’re coping. It’s even amusing, in a way, that, thanks to recent government regulations, I’m now only allowed six friends.

As a new parent, many days it seems like Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross ARE my only six friends. I’m the Gunther watching their lives play out. Never allowed to interact with them, no agency of my own, only existing in the background of their narrative.

At least it’s a GOOD story.

Imagine living through a time like this without Netflix™!!

Life goes on though. The children have returned to the school by our house, their playing a pleasant reminder of hope for the future. The world continues outside the four walls of my house. Or the three walls of a sitcom set.

Courtney Cox has got married!

Congratulations Courtney Cox Arquette.

It’s a nice excuse for some fun with the credits, the producers appending “Arquette” to each cast members name. Man, do I LOVE a goofy credit.

Unlike her actor, Monica is NOT getting married, as her and Chandler have cold feet.

Oh, Chandler, I was so happy for you the last time we went through this! It felt like a real step forward. It’s hard to put myself in this position, two years into my own marriage. It’s possible several of my Real Live Friends are experiencing this very fear of commitment in their relationships. But we would never talk about it.

Thanks to the pandemic, we know quite a few people who’ve postponed their weddings. But we’re all looking forward to them at the other end of this. Hopefully they’ll be a little bit more flashy than a couple of drinks in a Vegas chapel.

I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff when drunk, including passing out in a plate full of ham salad at a wedding. But I’m not sure it’s possible to get drunk enough to get accidentally Vegas married.

And, yes, I’ve had my share of blackouts, but to not remember that!? Come on. Maybe that’s why Ross is so keen on not becoming Mr Three Divorces. I’d feel a little cheated if I couldn’t remember my wedding night. Especially if it was with Jennifer Aniston…

I can sort of see Ross’s motivation in not wanting to become THAT guy. I think we all live in fear of having some identity forced on us we don’t recognise as our own. Or at least not as the one we wanted. But does he have to be such a prick about it? Thank god nowadays you can get a divorce even if the other person doesn't want it...

You have to wonder how David Schwimmer felt about the way his character is developing. Was he just happy getting laughs? Did he enjoy the acting challenge? Or was he annoyed at the character he played for five years abandoning all reason?

It’s bit like how different things are when you see them through an alcoholic fog, and the moment of clarity.

Am I talking about alcohol too much? Sorry, one thing I’ve learned about parenthood so far is it mainly consists of spending far more time thinking about drinking than actually drinking.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before things get really bad again I managed to snatch some family time in the park.

It was my first weekend with the baby to myself. So naturally, by the second day I was round the grandparents.

We went for a little walk and there was one of those mini trains the kids like. My nephew was eager to go on so quicker than you could say “has this thing been sanitised?” I found myself on a dinky carriage, clinging onto my baby for dear life.

It was the last run of the day, so we set off at an alarming pace, and I’m proud to say the baby loved her first train ride, watching the leaves woosh by, feeling the wind on her face.

The same cannot be said for me, as I spent the entire time gripped by panic.

Without time to think the decision through my brain went into overdrive, like an out of control train in some old timey movie.

“Oh God, I should have asked my wife if this was OK. What if we crash? What if I drop her? What if I jump off the train???”

Fortunately, I didn’t. And I suspect we’re going to have many more rides on that train as she gets older. Just next time, I might want a little more time to prepare myself.