Here we are, part three of the “Is it Christmas yet???” special. Where, like Narnia, it’s always winter but never Christmas.

“The One With the Park Failure”

And the Friends™ have finally reached Thanksgiving™!

It’s essentially a bottle episode, Thanksgiving™ dinner at Monica and Chan Chans, whilst Joey and Ross are desperate to leave for the party hosted by Elle “not a character” Macpherson. Incidentally, Joey’s on prime creep behaviour here, turning up the heating in his flat to try and get the women to strip off. But WHAT A BOTTLE EPISODE. With perhaps the greatest sketch of the show, Rachel’s beefed up trifle.

Rachel’s attempts at cooking for the first time go much worse than my attempt at Christmas dinner (3 stars) as the pages of the cookbook are stuck together. This gives an opportunity for quite possibly the dirtiest joke in the show, as Joey turns to blame Chandler. My wife is so innocent I had to explain that one to her… Chandler’s into food? Who knew… whatever next, Sharks?!?

We were all forced to pretend to like the Trifle to save Rachel’s feelings, with the exception of Joey who loves beef trifle almost as much as he loves trying to get on the sex offender register. He goes so far as eating everyone’s leftovers, guzzling them down with all the abandon of a baby unaware that choking is a thing.

Yep, our baby has finally started solids, as if I needed another daily dose of something to panic about, but is doing great so far. Even if I can’t bring myself to eat the leftovers. Think I’ve put on enough weight in lockdown without it thank you very much…

She’s reached the ‘3 Men and a Baby Stage’, crawling round and creating as much mischief as possible. Only without the added sexiness of Tom Selleck.

(This was a real film)

The only thing I couldn’t quite enjoy was the, usually welcome, return of the Gellar parents. Not from anything to do with them, it just made me a little sad again to have missed my parents at Christmas™.

But it shouldn’t be long now! It’ll all be over much before I finish watching this bloody TV show.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I was looking after the baby the other day and realised I had half an hour to kill before the next bottle and nap, so decided to take her down the park. She’s already into the swings, or indeed, moving in any way, and they’re a lot easier than carrying her.

But I’d got my timings terribly wrong, and half way there she started falling asleep. Oh no! You shouldn’t sleep till after the bottle, crap, gotta get back, gotta get back.

We made it and, mercifully, she still slept and I was allowed my forty minutes of respite.

The next day I tried to go again. Half the sky blue, half the sky grey. “It’ll be alright” I thought, only a little bit of rain if it catches us. But no, once again the swings were not to be as by the time we got to the park we were enveloped in a thick blizzard.

Yes, it’s very exciting for her to see snow for the first time. But please, God, let me get to the park tomorrow. There’s only so much pacing round the living room a man can take.

Christmas at my mother-in-laws was an atypically quiet affair.

No-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. No-one punched me in the face.

Mostly we tried to make the best of the situation, grateful we were able to be together unlike so many others. Remembering better times and avoiding politics at all costs. As if we were making a new Star Wars™ movie (1 Star).

 “The One With the Sad Christmas”

And now it’s back to work, a wondrous time of quiet reflection on how much easier dealing with things was when we could just relax and follow the babies schedule.

Appropriately this is a boss heavy episode. One specifically: Ralph Lauren.

The big man himself shows up. Mostly to put a bit of animosity between Rachel and her immediate superior. You’ve got to wonder what they paid him to walk in and out of a lift a couple of times without doing anything.

Joey rather hits the nail on the head as the Friends™ ponder why their boss doesn’t like them:

“Maybe it’s because you’re all hanging round here at 11.30 on a Wednesday?”

Now we finally know how they seem to be spending so much time in Central Perk!! They’ve been playing hookie the whole time. Or maybe they’re just on Furlough?

It’s frustrating that, with the on-again, off-again nature of work at the moment I’ve finally got a chance to get into all sorts of Shenanigans like the Friends™ but can’t because of having a baby. Yep, that’s the only reason… *stares forlornly out the window*

I did get to go into work briefly before Christmas. What a way to discover I now habitually refer to myself as “daddy” in the third person.

“Daddy needs to make some tea” I muttered, as my boss tried to hold in a laugh.

Another person with their hand over their mouth to save embarrassment is Ross. The big idiot has bleached his teeth for too long. Oh, how we laughed. The problem with this is, it is Hollywood after all, so really his teeth look no whiter than Monica’s. But fair play, the UV light did make my wife laugh so much she woke up the baby. Thanks a lot Friends™… I thought you were on our side?!

It’s a shame we don’t get more from Ross’s date, who’s played by Missi Pyle. Any comedy fan should know her best from Dodgeball™ and Galaxy Quest™.

She’d certainly be able to bring more personality than Elle Macpherson who is barely even a character.

Perhaps the writing is to blame? There’s a lot of Toxic Masculinity™ here, more than we’ve had for a while. Chandler and Joey checking out her room, and obsessing over the “girlie” things she brings in the flat. I do get the feeling of attachment to the old place though. It reminds me of when we moved out of our student house after three years, and Dr Phalange went and peeked over the wall one day to see what they’d done with her garden.

Even now, after over a decade, people take and share the odd picture of the gates of the halls where we all met. It’s sad to think of so many students this year having that experience ruined for them.

Most of the Toxic Masculinity™ seems to be coming from Chandler, but the attitude underpinning it all is quite sexist. Often in the show his behaviour would be held up and mocked; certainly nowadays the joke would be more at his insecurity. But here it’s presented more as Joey being in the wrong for being interested in the things Elle Macpherson likes.

Come on guys, it’s 1999.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Our Christmas™ was tinged with sadness for another reason this year. (As if you couldn’t get enough). My wife’s family cat, almost as old as this episode, got into difficulty a few days before Christmas. It was clear that the end was pretty close, but he soldiered on through Christmas.

This lead to a bit of unexpected humour, his difficulty moving meant our revelry was sporadically interrupted by us realising he hadn’t been to the litter tray for a while and that he was about to “go off” if we didn’t urgently take him there ourselves.

The worst time was when he was, somewhat foolishly, on the sofa. I was playing with our baby who is completely obsessed with cats right now, but got a little too close and scared the piss out of him. My mother-in-law desperately picked him up to stop him peeing on the sofa, carrying him across the living room to the litter tray, a huge gush of piss flying out the whole time.

Baby was laughing at the whole thing. I think she’s relieved she wasn’t the only one pissing herself anymore.

In the true spirit of Friends™ we had our own moment of pathos at the end. Right as we were getting up to leave he mustered the strength to walk again and came up to us all in the middle of the floor, baby and all. It was a lovely moment to all say goodbye, and get some beautiful pictures of him with three generations to remember him by.

Happy Holidays!

Or, not. As the case may be.

Yes, Christmas™ has come and gone. And it’s becoming MY Christmas™ tradition to be slightly behind Friends™ at this point, not quite getting to the yearly Thanksgiving episode that calibrates my quest.

At least no-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. Or, they may have done. We wouldn’t have known.

“The One Where I Miss Christmas”

It’s already New Years and, despite timey-wimey shenanigans meaning the Friends™ haven’t done Thanksgiving yet, Rachel and Phoebe are getting in the spirit by going for a run.

Well, Rachel’s going for a run. Phoebe is doing whatever the hell she’s doing. It’s nice for her to have a chance to flex some physical comedy muscles, and I’m sure a lot of us can relate to the unadultered joy of running wildly through the park. Screaming internally.

My wife’s new years’ resolution is to take up the couch to 5k charge. Good luck to her!! Personally I’m going for the “couch to literally anywhere else”. And I never thought I’d say that. 2020 has changed me, man…

One thing that hasn’t changed is Friends™ propensity for dropping in special guest stars with questionable acting ability, and this time it’s the form of Elle Macpherson who, I’m reliably informed by a Google™ image search, was a supermodel. And believe me, it was a very thorough image search.

She’s Joey’s unlikely new roommate, causing him to question Chandler and Ross on the secret to repelling women. Poor guy is completely unaware that by 2020 his creepy behaviour will suffice. And HELLO. I’m right here Joey! I could write a book on repelling women. Excluding my relatives I’ve only spoken to one all year. Of course, the book would be SO good women would no longer be able to get into the bookshops. In fact, I think that may already be happening… Damn, I’m good.

Over with Mondler (I swear I coined that, but here Ross is using it. I should charge him royalties). Over with CHANICA, there’s a lot of boxes being unpacked. Which is giving me major flashbacks to the height of lockdown, the endless trudge of me recycling my wife’s Amazon™ boxes, and the next day another delivery arriving. Boxes. Soo many boxes.

It did give us a bit of fun, putting baby in a box full of packing chips like a makeshift ball pit. God I miss the days of the work Christmas™ party taking us to a club that’s a giant ball pit.

Once he’s done, Chandler tries to treat Monica by tidying up, only for everything to be out of place. Like Monica something like this would really throw me out of whack. But, now we’ve had some time with the baby I’m more used to things being cluttered. If anything, after staring at the same four walls for so long, I’m craving a bit of variety in our feng shui. I’ve never been so relieved to put up the Christmas tree.

Come to think of it, I can’t believe its taken Chandler the whole holiday to move!! To be fair to him, it took the whole time for me to make our home videos into one long video. I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be easy now?!

Despite my video editing woe, you’d think I’d manage to squeeze in another episode, but it’s no biggy not getting to Thanksgiving yet, as we missed Christmas™ in both senses of the word.

After years of hoping, Christmas™ was finally cancelled! The one year I was actually looking forward to it; babies first Christmas™. My chance to off-load her on some relatives for a bit.

The last minute announcement was pretty devastating, to us and millions of other households. Not least because we hadn’t bought any food. However! With a newborn, we’re exceptionally lucky, as we have her (naturally), but (mostly) it means we can form a support bubble with one other household. Rescuing our plans a little, but meaning a difficult choice.

(Incidentally, they kept this loophole bloody quiet. Half the parents we know weren’t aware of it. Presumably as it applies to our erstwhile Prime Minister. Wonder who he picked? With at least six children by at least three women, it’s surely the hardest choice he’s made all year.)

Our choice was essentially made for us, as my parents decided to bubble with my younger sister who lives alone. Christmas™ with my mother-in-law?? Great! If only jokes about that were still in vogue.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

When the pre-Christmas wait got a bit too much, we decided to take a trip to a National Trust area near us.

Sure it was pissing it down, but maybe over there the weather was better. We needed to get out the house.

After an uncomfortable journey, agonising over whether the weather would change, (and whether we should turn back) we arrived. And I found the “really cool monument that's right up your street” my wife promised was actually an unimpressive middling column. And it was still raining.

First things first, we found the baby change toilets, and sorted the source of the car journeys nasal discomfort out.

And, oo lovely, there’s a café with outdoor service! Just have to go back across that huge muddy puddle blocking the baby change. My shoes in a state of woeful disrepair which would make a cobbler call in sick. They were utterly unsuited to the task at hand. I was completely underprepared. My feet were going to get wet.

But I made it, with all the grace of Sherlock besting Moriarty at the Reichenbach Falls. Only to find there was a one way system. Of course there was. Even if we were the only customers in a 5 mile radius. I dutifully obliged, and swam back across the puddle.

After we bought our drinks we thought, maybe it was a bit too wet to walk around after all and decided to go home.

It was a long way to go just to change a nappy. But ultimately worth it to get a cup of tea that tasted slightly different to the one at home.

A bit of good news at last! I can confirm, after my wife’s shocking admission she thought I smelt good, that she is NOT pregnant again.

I really am just a god of smell.

It’s truly the greatest tragedy of 2020 that I can’t share my stench with other people.

 “The One With All the Coughing”

The winds of change are in the air. Blowing my smell all over the place. I really do need that shower…

It’s nearing the end of the year. And the end of an era, as it’s time for Rachel and Chandler to move out. No more Joey and Chan Chans…

And what better way to mark this occasion than for David Schwimmer to direct his first episode!

If you ask me he’s earned a break after all the Ross he’s had to deal with this year.

He does a decent enough job, but it’s an episode low on humour and high on pathos. Barely anything’s happening, and there’s a pervading sense of melancholy. And the same is true of this Friends™ episode.

Joey and Chan Chan plan to mark the occasion by doing nothing at all. But fall into the trap of telling Monica. No surprises, Rachel hasn’t packed yet and the boys are dangerously close to getting roped into helping. Guys, haven’t you learned you can’t plan to do nothing anymore? Particularly not with a baby. Ok, maybe I’m projecting a little…

I’m sure many other people have experienced this. Isolating with your partners, you reach a certain point where it starts to become difficult to do your own thing. You can have all the time in the world, yet the worst thing you can say is “I don’t want to do something with you this evening”.

As Joey and Chandler discover, if you want a bit of space, you’ve got to make PLANS. As long as they don’t involve doing nothing.

Someone who’s failed at making plans is my sister, who hasn’t had a great time this year. She’s started hoarding a bunch of stuff in her flat, which has put Rachel’s room to shame. My poor mother and father had to help clean it up. With none of the enthusiasm of Monica helping Rachel pack.

This goes some way to explaining my mother’s attitude in trying to get me to take the tumble dryer. The stress of dealing with my sister has made her mother her other children a bit too keenly. We still haven’t found any space for it. Maybe there’s some way I can connect it IN my car? I could offer a portable laundrette service to people.

Oo. I just got a weird pang of nostalgia. Remembering Rachel and Ross’s first kiss in the laundrette. Sometimes I forget how far we have come together.

It’s strange that when I started this idiotic project, one of the main goals was to encourage me to stay in touch with my Real Live Friends. It’s never been harder than this year.

Rachel is leaving, but only moving twenty blocks. Chandler’s only moving across the hall. What’s the big deal?? I’ve already lost Joey Number 1. It’s almost a year since I tried to re-establish contact and he’s just surreptitiously removed himself from our WhatsApp™ group.

And now David the Science Guy AND Monica Number 2 are about to emigrate for work for a few years. Not together, it should be said. Imagine the furore that would cause! Phoebe would be devastated…

Chandler Number 1 has already been abroad for a few years, though still joins our Zoom™ catchups. Maybe that’s a positive to take from this year? We’ve probably all been together MORE than we would have. Leaving aside any discussion about quantity over quality…

But it’s pretty devastating to have lost the last free year for a while with not one but two other couples. More so given David the Science Guy is about to embark on the same journey of parenthood as me. New parents can feel isolated and cut off from their friends, I’m not going to lie, doing it cut off from my non-New York based Friends™ has been hard.

Monica isn’t the only one who’s cut deep by Rachel pointing out she only gets calls from her partner and mother.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We did have some respite recently, we were able to leave baby with a grandparent and go out to a restaurant. Our second such evening since becoming parents. Our second date of 2020.

It was a jolly affair, and delicious, a needed reminder of what a good time we can have together. For a second we were able to forget all the difficulties the year has brought, and the world around us. Until a heavily spiced sizzling dish was brought to one of the tables opposite, and everyone in the room simultaneously started coughing.

Even with this reminder of the outside danger, it didn’t put a dampener on things. Quite the opposite, as we all fell about laughing.

Humour will get us through.

And we’re back like Phoebe’s triplets!

Strangely this is only their second of three appearances. You’d think they’d play a bigger part in the show. But this is FRIENDS™ not PARENTS™ so I suppose it’s to be expected.

Maybe it’s because the writers struggled to keep track of their age? By my reckoning they should be over a year old at this point, yet look about the same age as my five month old.

She’s similarly mobile, (my baby, not Phoebe) having developed a bizarre ability to crawl on her back using her head as an extra limb. Imagine a cross between a caterpillar and the girl from The Exorcist™.

It’s made it especially important to try and keep things clean, and simultaneously a lot harder to keep things clean. I can completely empathise with the state of Monica’s flat after Phoebe babysits the triplets.

It’s some measure of how the experience is changing me; that my first reaction upon seeing Chandler’s toy “Krog, Destroyer of Worlds” was to think “that things got way too many small parts to give to a baby” rather than “oh cool, I want that toy”.

And my parenting instincts are immediately vindicated! When Chandler swallows a piece.

With the business of taking care of the baby, it’s becoming harder to look after our bodies as well as the house.

I haven’t had a shower for the last few days, yet, worryingly, my wife just turned to me and told me I smell good. You might think that’s no cause for concern, but it’s worrying for two reasons. One: loss of sense of smell is a symptom of Covid, and two: the last time she thought I smelt good was when she was pregnant!! I’m not sure which I’d prefer…

We need some sort of test here, but which to choose?

 “The One With the Tumble Dryer”

Whilst my wife’s off to get a pregnancy test, Joey’s pretending to own a Porsche™ to attract the ladies. It strikes me I could have done the same with the BMW parked outside our house the past year which has finally being towed. If I’d wanted to attract the sort of women who date drivers that are arseholes.

I suppose I could still try it even with the BMW gone. My wife is certainly getting enough cardboard boxes delivered from Amazon™.

God I hope she’s not “nesting” again.

I really don’t get how Rachel and Ross are struggling to get their wedding annulled here. She finally gets some revenge on him by lying in the court papers, which results in the annulment being rejected. But surely they can still get it on the grounds of non-consummation?? Unless there was a super X-rated scene I’ve missed.

They decide to fulfil Ross’s destiny and opt for the full divorce. Ross’s third divorce is even worse when you consider he’s only on sexual partner number seven. Although I’m not sure if it’s worse he’s on three divorces or that sexual partner number seven was Janice.

Anyway, the divorce leads to a nice scene where they ruminate over how things may have been different were it not for the winds of fate, both regretting the past, but accepting that they’ve come to where they are with a hug (and a divorce).

It’s a fitting, real, and grown up way for things to end between them, bringing years of on-again, off-again hijinks to a close. Oh boy, I sure hope we can finally move on from Rachel and Ross…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m not the only one going a bit “Ross” at the moment. My mum has become completely obsessed with getting us a tumble dryer to help with the baby.

Obviously we’re very grateful for the offer, but we measured the space in the kitchen, it was too small, so we told her this and that there wasn’t space anywhere else.

Still she insisted, so she came round, measured the space herself, suggesting we could make the cupboard under the sink smaller, somehow? Handily ignoring that that would mean getting a new sink. And also that we’d already refused her kind offer.

She told us she’d order one anyway. So I calmly explained again we weren’t able to take one as we don’t have space.

But, mother knows best, and she showed up this week with a brand new tumble dryer, insisting we take it.

I refused to entertain this madness, and what followed was my frantic, sixty something year old mother, hauling a (sizeable) tumble dryer out of her car, and carrying it to my front door with all the strength of one of those adrenaline fuelled mums who’s child’s been trapped under a tractor tyre.

Despite my protestations she immediately drove off. And, long story short, I now have a tumble dryer in the back of my car.

I really wasn’t lying about the space. I guess it’ll just have to stay there till we move? In about two years time.

Bad news, Phoebe.

You visited your psychic and she’s prescribed DEATH.

Pretty sure the death card in tarot actually means change?

Anyway, we’ve got our own four horseman to deal with still.

You said it, Phoebe.

To be honest it looks like Joey’s the most at risk from the reaper. His health insurance lapsing means a visit to Estelle (hooray!) and a hernia in dire need of medical assistance. Doesn’t he know they’re not bothering with minor operations?

It reminds me of my own trouble getting life insurance. Fortunately I didn’t have to attend a gamut of auditions to sort that out.

Joey even has to pretend to be dying for a part, and Phoebe goes one step further, giving us a snapshot of her death pose.

My wife’s favourite prank is pretending to be dead. It’s one of her most unnerving skills. Fortunately she’s cut it out in the current situation. I’m not sure my heart could take it. Way too much excitement.

It’s weird that many years ago she, too, went to a psychic and was told her best friend and her would have babies at the same time. And it came to pass!

Shame the psychic didn’t think to warn us about all the other shit that would happen in 2020.

“The One With the Zoo”

I’m sure she’s trying not to rock the boat, but Phoebe’s being a crap friend for not telling Rachel she’s still married isn’t she?

Ross now seems to have fully lost his grip on reality, accusing Phoebe of being in love with Rachel herself, and donning a ridiculous accent to try and secure a new job. Poor guy, maybe lockdown’s getting to him?

Now a lot of us know how damaging not having work can be. Ross is so keen to regain employment he reads out his lecture to the Friends™, once again breaking curfew by taking a visit to Central Perk™. At least they’re obeying the rule of six…

It reminds me of the first lockdown when our weekly Zoom™ meetings ran out of steam and we took to giving each other presentations about our jobs. Mercifully, better delivered than Ross although I could have done with more comedic accents.

Just not Rachel’s Indian one.

Yikes.

Don’t worry Rachel; you’re not cancelled (for now) as it’s worth keeping you in the show to see Ross finally get his comeuppance for not telling you about the marriage.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I took baby on her first trip to the zoo! A last minute affair, as my mum had a spare ticket after her car broke down. Presumably not because it was attacked by a gaggle of monkeys.

It was lucky as we only had two days before the new lockdown. But unlucky, as I could only make it an hour before closing and 90% of the animals were asleep.

We queued for ten minutes to see the amazing solitary butterfly left in the butterfly house. Tramped through an aquarium that seemed more like an art installation on the damage done to our oceanic diversity by plastic consumption, and finally made it to the tigers, only to notice baby had fallen asleep.

All in all, not the biggest success. And now I’m sad, because I just realised having a baby is the closest I will ever get to owning a pet monkey.

We’ve managed to stop baby starring at the TV screen! Plenty of time for that when she’s older. (Or when daddy needs a break…)

For now she’s far happier going for a walk or playing on her mat. Unlike her dad. Although the current situation is testing even MY appetite for TV.

“The One With the Random Man”

It’s all change for the Friends™ with Chandler moving in with Monica. And we’re in for a bit of fun before they hit on the obvious solution of Chandler and Rachel simply switching apartments.

I still contend it’s a bit shitty for Chandler and Monica to expect Rachel to move out immediately. It’s not like they’re desperate for extra space!

It is fun trying to work out what you’re gonna do with a spare room. Even if each partner has very different ideas…

No, Chandler, you can’t have an arcade machine.

Or a huge sign over your bed saying “MERGE”.

This is a bit of a sore spot for me, having recently lost my drumming room to the baby… Sure, I tried to argue she’d benefit from being surrounded by musical instruments as she grew up. But it wasn’t to be. At least the neighbours are happy!

Despite hitting our thirties, space is still a premium for our generation. Especially now we’re all stuck inside. Joey Number 4 (he of massive hole fame) is ecstatic they’ve managed to move to a much bigger flat this week. I’m very much looking forward to seeing it. In season 7 at this rate…

It’ll be nice too, one day, when we’re able to move to a place with a couple more rooms. Though maybe we won’t go as far as my dad, who eventually got so sick of the kids he got a place with three different living rooms. Honestly, trying to get my family in one room is harder than Rudy Giuliani in the presence of an underage journalist.

Hang on. Why are Chandler and Monica only having one glass of wine between them?

I know times are hard, but that can’t be good for social distancing. Speaking of people who are socially distant… there’s a nice Gunther moment here as he joins the race to secure Rachel as a flatmate.

At this point, she’d probably be safer with him than Ross. It’s weird that no-one’s noticing how crazy he’s become. You know things are bad when Phoebe’s your anchor to reality.

Poor Rachel’s got nowhere to turn. I wouldn’t move in with Joey either. He looks to be undergoing a crisis of his own, banging on about naked Thursday’s, removing his shower curtain, and trying to get 19 year old women to move in. Mate. You’re, like, thirty-one.

The only redemption is it gives us one of his all time great lines.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Let’s be honest, barely anything’s been happening. But we did have a brief moment of excitement last week when a man appeared in our garden in the dead of night.

I say excitement it was more like sudden terror as my wife jumped and the pale white, masked figure moved past our window.

I went out to check, but the apparition was nowhere to be found… What was it? A robber?  A dementia stricken previous owner? The ghost of Gunther??!

No, probably just a pizza delivery guy who got a little lost.

But, you can bet your life I made sure our doors were double locked that night.

Parenthood is full of milestones.

First time they sleep through the night, first laugh, first time watching Friends™ together.

Yep, baby’s finally noticed the TV, and is staring in awe at the antics of Rachel, Ross & Co.

I’m, obviously, delighted to be sharing this with her. As my wife looks on disapprovingly…

The first laugh was pretty special too. Mostly because I got it! Ha Ha, I win. All it took was a silly little song. I’m lucky I felt bonded with the baby straight away, but there’s a sense (confirmed by talking to my male dad friends) that the end of the first three months is when you really start to feel like a dad.

It takes a while for things to sink in with men.

That was a joke (with, perhaps, a tiny pinch of truth…). It’s more that after the “fourth trimester” they start to give so much more back that every interaction feels imbued with huge significance. As Ross Number 1 observed “it’s crazy babies haven’t evolved to smile from day one, it would make parenthood a lot easier.”

It’s been an incredible journey so far. Every little leap is filled with excitement. For us, if not other people. And I finally get it, after years of sneering at parents, I can understand how a baby rolling over is the most exciting thing in the world. When you see it day by day, how slow and how long it takes to develop a new consciousness capable of turning thought into action, the smallest things can seem like climbing Everest.

Or maybe we’re just starved for entertainment?

“The One With the Cat Food”

Oh hey, it’s Ron Glass of Firefly™ fame!

Feels like a while since we’ve had someone I recognise pop up. Perhaps it’s for the best, it’s a bit distracting when famous people show up. Who next? Bruce Willis?! That’d be ridiculous…

Ron puts in a decent turn as Ross’s divorce lawyer. Poor guy. A lawyer hasn’t been this busy since Emily Maitlis interviewed Prince Andrew.

The show is pretty heavily lampshading how ridiculous the whole Rachel and Ross plotline has become if you ask me. It feels like one of those situations where they took a decision for the sake of a twist and are now having to dial back a little.

Although it does give Ross a chance to move forward, now motivated by his desire not to have “three divorces” on his tombstone.

Ross, you can have whatever you want!

Personally, and I’m gona assume my death-date here, I’m going with:

“Alive: 1989 – 2065
Dead: 2065 - ???”

That should keep things covered for the Zombie apocalypse.

Hey, you can’t plan for these things! No matter how hard Phoebe tries.

I’m a lot more positive about Chandler and Monica than Phoebe. I think they’ll go the distance, until Monica dies in a bizarre cleaning accident.

I’m a little put out by them kicking out Rachel though. If I was in a shared flat and my roommates partner was moving in I wouldn’t assume that meant I had to leave either!! Not right away anyway. It’s not like they need the room. And don’t they know there’s a pandemic on???

Maybe it’s because couples living in houseshares is a lot more common these days.

And hey, it might have been fun! There were times in lockdown we could have done with another person to liven things up. At the very least, it would give Rachel a chance to sort out Chandler’s ties.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Mystery solved!!

I came home the other day, my cat, adorably, running out to greet me at the car. But I saw my neighbour through the window, standing at the meowing and heading to his front door.

Intrigued, I waited in my car, hidden under a pile of unused facemasks.

Motherfucker only came out with a box of cat food!

I summoned all my courage, put on my big boy mask, and confronted him.

“Oh, I always feed the cats round here, I’m an animal lover”

“Ok, well could you not, because this lad is severely overweight already.”

“No problem, it’s mostly the other one I see anyway.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t mind her getting a bit extra…”

Hey, I’m not one to turn down free food. Even if it’s cat food!

Welcome back!

It’s officially the second half of Real Live Friends, where I’m watching an episode of Friends™ every two weeks and comparing it to my own life.

We’re five years in, arguably past the glory days of Friends™. And now, no longer in my twenties, it’s all downhill from here.

But, how you doin?

We’ve had a lot of laughs, and some more serious moments. I think we all remember the time I got a tattoo cause the Friends™ told me to. The time I got my identity stolen at the same time as Monica, and when I found out I, too, have a secret half brother. What fun.

Things have changed a great deal from five years ago, for the Friends™ and me.

Ross is on marriage number 3, I’m now married. Ross has a child. I have a child (or a little monkey depending on her mood). Ross has a seemingly cushty job but is struggling with a fragile mental state. I have a seemingly cushty job and am strug… you get the picture.

What I’m saying is, despite my best efforts, I’m becoming Ross. No-one told you life was gona be this way indeed.

 “The One With the Train Ride”

The major difference between now and Friends™ (other than them living in New York and me being forced to the outskirts of London due to spiralling rental costs) is the world is experiencing the largest health crisis for a century. I don’t remember the theme tune warning us about THAT.

But we’re coping. It’s even amusing, in a way, that, thanks to recent government regulations, I’m now only allowed six friends.

As a new parent, many days it seems like Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross ARE my only six friends. I’m the Gunther watching their lives play out. Never allowed to interact with them, no agency of my own, only existing in the background of their narrative.

At least it’s a GOOD story.

Imagine living through a time like this without Netflix™!!

Life goes on though. The children have returned to the school by our house, their playing a pleasant reminder of hope for the future. The world continues outside the four walls of my house. Or the three walls of a sitcom set.

Courtney Cox has got married!

Congratulations Courtney Cox Arquette.

It’s a nice excuse for some fun with the credits, the producers appending “Arquette” to each cast members name. Man, do I LOVE a goofy credit.

Unlike her actor, Monica is NOT getting married, as her and Chandler have cold feet.

Oh, Chandler, I was so happy for you the last time we went through this! It felt like a real step forward. It’s hard to put myself in this position, two years into my own marriage. It’s possible several of my Real Live Friends are experiencing this very fear of commitment in their relationships. But we would never talk about it.

Thanks to the pandemic, we know quite a few people who’ve postponed their weddings. But we’re all looking forward to them at the other end of this. Hopefully they’ll be a little bit more flashy than a couple of drinks in a Vegas chapel.

I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff when drunk, including passing out in a plate full of ham salad at a wedding. But I’m not sure it’s possible to get drunk enough to get accidentally Vegas married.

And, yes, I’ve had my share of blackouts, but to not remember that!? Come on. Maybe that’s why Ross is so keen on not becoming Mr Three Divorces. I’d feel a little cheated if I couldn’t remember my wedding night. Especially if it was with Jennifer Aniston…

I can sort of see Ross’s motivation in not wanting to become THAT guy. I think we all live in fear of having some identity forced on us we don’t recognise as our own. Or at least not as the one we wanted. But does he have to be such a prick about it? Thank god nowadays you can get a divorce even if the other person doesn't want it...

You have to wonder how David Schwimmer felt about the way his character is developing. Was he just happy getting laughs? Did he enjoy the acting challenge? Or was he annoyed at the character he played for five years abandoning all reason?

It’s bit like how different things are when you see them through an alcoholic fog, and the moment of clarity.

Am I talking about alcohol too much? Sorry, one thing I’ve learned about parenthood so far is it mainly consists of spending far more time thinking about drinking than actually drinking.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Before things get really bad again I managed to snatch some family time in the park.

It was my first weekend with the baby to myself. So naturally, by the second day I was round the grandparents.

We went for a little walk and there was one of those mini trains the kids like. My nephew was eager to go on so quicker than you could say “has this thing been sanitised?” I found myself on a dinky carriage, clinging onto my baby for dear life.

It was the last run of the day, so we set off at an alarming pace, and I’m proud to say the baby loved her first train ride, watching the leaves woosh by, feeling the wind on her face.

The same cannot be said for me, as I spent the entire time gripped by panic.

Without time to think the decision through my brain went into overdrive, like an out of control train in some old timey movie.

“Oh God, I should have asked my wife if this was OK. What if we crash? What if I drop her? What if I jump off the train???”

Fortunately, I didn’t. And I suspect we’re going to have many more rides on that train as she gets older. Just next time, I might want a little more time to prepare myself.