Things are heating up, and the snow has melted.

Things are heating up for Joey too. Or would be, if he hadn’t immediately left Janine to tell the others about their kiss.

Is this a two parter?

I don’t think so, it seems a bit of time drops between the first scene and Chonica and Jonine’s double date. It’s nice they’re finally developing Janine a bit, and Joey and her seem a good fit. Leaving aside any grumbles about her emphatically rejecting him a few episodes ago as she didn’t find him attractive.

Now that’s what I call top notch character writing.

 “The One With the Stairgate”

The guest characters may be all over the place, but at least the joke writing’s still top drawer, with even simply repeating a single word getting good laughs.

Alas, Joey’s attempts at making an excuse don’t get Janine out of going on a second date with the “Bla” Chandler and “Little but Loud” Monica.

My wife is definitely little but loud, I think a big key to the longevity of our relationship comes down to me finally finding someone I can always hear in pubs. Or now always hear when I’m upstairs, in the kitchen, or on the toilet. She’s always there...

I totally get the difficulty in the getting to know the friends phase of courting. In many ways it can have as big an impact as the stereotypically terrifying “meet the parents” moment. I think realising we got on well with each others friends was a big part of what made things so easy when we first got together.

But now a brief moment from our sponsors:

This episode is brought to you by the marketing board of Pottery Barn™

Rachel, much like the people we bought our house from, is STILL getting her mail delivered to her old address. Seriously, it’s been three frickin years.

So when Monica gives her her latest Pottery Barn™ brochure, it’s time to do the one thing I don’t miss from before lockdown, and hit the shops! But, oh no, Phoebe doesn’t like this sort of mass produced furniture so it’s down to Rachel to persuade her their new table is an opium soaked antique.

Anyone else wondering why Phoebe knows what opium smells like?? We really do need that gritty prequel.

Once again Phoebe and Ross not getting on is fertile ground for comedy, as Rachel tries to hide the fact he’s bought the same table.

I’m surprised they haven’t explored this more, the potential between a scientist and new ager being forced together. Perhaps it’s too obvious compared to things like them adopting a chick and duck?

Hang on, where are the chick and duck?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

My very own Marcel the Monkey (aka: my baby) has been giving us a bit of trouble now she’s more mobile.

She’s taken to putting even the smallest speck from the floor into her mouth. Mud, catfood, you name it. I don’t think my pride in her developing a solid pincer grip quite matches my pride in her simultaneously disproving the theories of natural selection and intelligent design.

This means it’s finally time to get a stair gate! I did try to persuade my wife to let me get a Stargate™ instead, to a typically blank response. Honestly, am I only person who still cares about the 90s??

Anyway, the thing arrived, and I slaved away at putting it up, first realising that ticking the filter saying “No Screws” had somehow resulted in us buying a stairgate that very much had screws. Then finding out, for some reason, my drill is perfectly fine at going into masonry but can only make it a few millimetres into a wooden banister. Honestly, how are there birds better at making a hole than my power tool?!?

And, finally, realising it would be held up by the tension alone so didn’t actually need to be screwed in. At least that’s what I thought until my wife came home, tried it for the first time, and fell right through it.

Sure, maybe I should have shown a bit more concern for my wife than the stairgate… but you try spending all afternoon putting something together only for it to end up hanging off the wall within seconds of use.

Maybe I should look into befriending a woodpecker?

It’s finally Christmas™!!

But also, thanks to the filming requirements of Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, it’s New Years Eve!

Hooray!!

Hang on; didn’t I go through all this a month ago?

Well actually, no…

 “The One Without New Years”

Yep, even more tragically than Christmas™, we spent our first New Years as parents doing nothing.

Maybe half a bottle of Prosecco each? We didn’t even stay up till the countdown.

To rub things in further Monica refers to Christmas™ as “about being with the people you love”. Thanks Monica. Ya bitch. If Christmas is about being with the people you love, isn’t New Years about being with people you like a lot but can only stand to be around whilst steaming drunk?

No wait, that is Christmas™.

Two people who don’t need drinks to enjoy New Years are Monica and Ross! Merely appearing on the aforementioned New Years special is enough to get them giddy with excitement and busting out their 8th grade dance routine.

Even though the dance is wonderfully lame it’s nice seeing them having a good time and geeking out like proper siblings. I definitely didn’t have similar routines with my sisters. No sirree…

I can understand the excitement, given the rest of us aren’t allowed to do anything. But seriously Monica, get some tact.

Surprisingly, Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve is a real thing! It’s aired on American TV almost every year since 1973, even to the present day. A bit like Jools Hollands Hootenany with less of an air of embarrassment.

Well, excluding the embarrassment of Monica and Ross.

Monica’s absence gives the others an opportunity to search for their Christmas presents. I’ve never really got this. It’s very unsportsmanlike. My Cannibal Boss is notorious for doing it, to the extent their partner hid dummy presents several years ago. Just like Monica!! Hang on maybe this is where they got the idea?! Oh this Chicken and Egg situation is getting out of hand.

One Chicken and Egg situation that’s not out of hand is the Chick and Duck, who haven’t been seen for five whole months. I was beginning to think they’d had them for Thanksgiving! Hey, it would beat beef trifle.

I wonder how Elle Macpherson feels about the whole situation?? What’s worse? Finally moving into a flat only to realise you have share it with a Chick and a Duck, or realising you have to share it with Joey? She must be cool with both given Joey and her get together at the end of the episode. It’s a sweet moment, but a little undercut by her clearly stating several weeks ago she’s not into him. At least the show's consistent in not having her be a real character.

The Chick and Duck only make a brief appearance. I’m surprised we never got an episode where Joey and Chandler fight over paternity after he moved out. Damn that would have been good, I should have written for this show.

Rachel suckers Chandler into looking for the presents by making him worried Monica will get him a great present, and lots of little ones, and how it’ll make her feel bad if he’s only got her one.

I didn’t have to worry about this as we agreed to just get one present this year due to the difficulties of the current situation.

And then, of course, my wife DID get me several presents, making me look a right prick in front of her family. Utterly selfish if you ask me.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We attempted to make use of our support bubble again, mostly as my mother in law has got two new kittens. Hopefully no-one will judge me for this. Personally I consider seeing new kittens an INCREDIBLY essential journey. I wonder how Dominic Cummings feels about it?

Any questions of morality were irrelevant in the end, as we never made it to the motorway.

The first snow of the year had come in, marking a nice change from the usual sights, but making the hill out of town unassailable. It was a little a scary time as we eeked our way up, cars stopping and starting, slipping in front of us. One truck losing its tread could have meant the end of us, baby, and Real Live Friends.

But we got through it, making a swift U-turn at the top of the hill. Like Boris Johnson contemplating lockdown restrictions. And we went down again and headed home. Like the Grand Old Duke of York.

Both of us relieved, but sweating slightly more than the current Duke of York.