Everyone’s all excited. We’ve all been waiting for an age.

And now, here it is at last!

The big reunion!!

A chance to see our friends and family without following strict rules?

No, not that.

The return of the Chick and Duck??

No, NOT THAT.

You don’t mean?

The Friends™ are finally getting back together?

“The One Without the Reunion”

It’s not, like we’d all hoped an actual episode. But rather a TV special bringing the cast back together, with some chat, clips, and fun. Would it be a disaster like the Inbetweeners reunion?

Early signs, including the news that James Corden would be hosting pointed to “Yes”.

But hey, at least it’s not on Zoom like so many of these things, produced to sate the desires of people who’ve run out of things to watch in the last year. (Despite an entire century’s worth of entertainment to go back to and enjoy, seriously if you’ve run out of things to watch you need to broaden your horizons a bit).

I say “actual episode”, it’s true a lot of people were hoping for that. To see what they’re up to now? Who wouldn’t want that!? The One Where They’ve All Got Kids and Barely See Each Other.

A few years ago I would have loved a follow-up special; there are plenty of shows that did that successfully: Only Fools and Horses™, Futurama™, Firefly™. But, almost always it’s show’s cancelled before their time. I may have a few years to go, but I don’t think anyone would deny Friends™ was wrapped up completely and more or less perfectly. (Baring any mention of Joey™).

Now, I was actually relieved when I heard they weren’t doing a proper reunion. Because I want my stupid project to end at some point. When I started I was perfectly prepared to dedicate ten years of my life to re-watching Friends™. But the thought of starting again when I’m, what, in my fifties? God, I can’t think of anything worse. Thank the lord I didn’t choose Frasier™.

If I have a quibble with the modern entertainment complex it’s that they don’t know when to let things end. Shows carry on years after they’ve met their sell by date, watched only by a diminishing number of fans unable to escape their completist urges.

Obviously the big franchises are the worst offenders, if you're caught in the Venn diagram of Star Wars™ / Star Trek™ / Marvel™ fandom you're hard pressed to watch anything else at all if you want to keep up with the shows available to them.

For me, it’s most frustrating when a show with a brilliantly produced, complete first season hits an unexpected Zeitgeist; and a stories carried on and stretched out which didn’t need to be (I’m looking at you Stranger Things™). Often this comes at the expense of shows with more potential, cut short after a weaker first season, never given the time to grow. Imagine if Friends™ had been cancelled after the first season to give way to more episodes of the, critically well received but presumably thoroughly wrapped up “Watergate” ™.

 And so I won’t be watching the reunion. Mostly in protest that I wasn’t invited. Honestly, you think people are your friends then they all have a big catch-up without you!!

People seem pretty happy with the reunion; my wife watched it and said it was good. Twitter is mad for it. (Especially Matt Le Blanc’s “Irish Dad energy”).

But I have another problem that ultimately turned me off.

James Corden.

Just kidding, really I don’t think I CAN watch it without it interfering with Real Live Friends.

I’ve spent years now fastidiously avoiding anything which might hint at upcoming stories. And watching what essentially is just a clip show, poses far too great a threat to the integrity of the project. I suppose TECHNICALLY I should watch it… About twenty years from now.

Oh God, this really is never going to end is it?!?

Anyway, what have we got here, back in the year 2000. Where the only plastic surgery on show is Rachel’s nose job.

She’s being set-up for a date by both Phoebe and Chonica. I’m sure many people left single after their friend’s couple up can empathise with this.

As is often the case you feel a bit sorry for the guys caught up in the friends chaotic coffee shop world. Poor Patrick and … L Dot??

That can’t be right.

Eldad?? Come on. That’s hardly much better. That can’t be a real name.

Rachel’s still living with Joey; it’s always refreshing to shake up the pairings a bit. But there isn’t much Joey and Rachel story this time as he’s running round trying to get people to pay for a new fridge.

Weirdly our fridge broke the other day too, completely froze up on the inside. Although I’m not sure that counts as breaking, or whether it just became a better fridge…

One story I really wish was in the fridge (like Joey’s copy of Little Women all those years ago) is Ross dating his student. Wow, it’s dated.

In the way the other friends react, too. I guess your mates would try to be supportive, but the gentle ribbing and tacit approval of the situation comes across as weird given how the story would likely be presented today.

And things are now going from bad to worse as Ross is super jealous and paranoid over her going to Spring Break. You’ve only been going out like 2 weeks!!

He’s trying to get her not to wear her bikini of choice, even hiding it from her! It’s easy to see how this could swiftly develop into a controlling older male situation. And, oh no… he’s not gonna go down there is he?? I have a real bad feeling about this.

Well shit. This man clearly does not want to have a career.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Speaking of things outstaying their welcome, I’ve had a Christmas Tree in my garden for the last 5 months.

Why, you ask? Oh no reason, I just missed the council pick-up and never found time to take it to the tip. It grew on me having it in the corner of the garden (pun unintended). It’s a shame you can’t replant them.

But it’s finally gone! Bizarrely, I saw a tweet advertising, comedian, Tim Key’s Christmas Show, rescheduled to May due to Covid. What even is life anymore?

Needles to say I jumped at my chance (pun very much intended) and offered my battered tree for set dressing.

Imagine my surprise when Tim not only accepted but kindly gave me some free tickets!!

Honestly, I’d have donated it just to get it out my garden. But what a treat to finally go see some live entertainment again!

This may be the first time in my adult life I’ve been excited by something to do with Christmas. AND IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Straight out the bat, a student’s hitting on Ross and we all know where this is going...

To make matters worse we get the “lol wouldn’t it be funny if the student was a dude” joke too. It’s gonna be one of those episodes isn’t it?

“The One With the Questionable Sexual Politics”

There’s a bit of a light reprieve, in the shape of Phoebe and Rachel’s flat catching fire. Did I say “light reprieve”?! Apparently so, it only seems to happen to give them a reason to move in with Joey and Monica for a while. As if ANYONE these days has a guest bedroom.

The joke is that living with Monica’s overindulgent hospitality is more overbearing than Joey’s care-free slovenly-ness. Having lived in a state of absolute sloven my whole adult life, I’m not sure I agree.

The fire was caused by scented candles; perhaps from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop? Or was it Rachel’s hair straighteners? Who cares, it gives us a bit of fun with Monica and Joey both getting to team up with Rachel/Phoebe in turn.

Chandler’s out and about trying to get Joey an audition by buttering up an old friend who’s a movie director.

You know who’s also out? THE CHICK AND DUCK!!! Where the hell are they? Maybe they got lost in the wormhole to the alternative universe?

I don’t get why Chandler stopped being friends with this person? It would be sweet to be friends with a film director! And she seems cool and hot. Maybe he really did have feelings for her as Monica suggests?

It’s a shame Joey forgets about the audition after all the effort Chandler goes to. Let down by his unorthodox dating system.

Perhaps it’s karma for his advice to Ross:

“I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.”

Spoken like a true sex pest. What society thinks is very much what’s important here, Joey.

The show does make pains to point out what Ross is doing is wrong (although they try to make him look as innocent and non-predatory as possible). But only after justifying the 11 year age gap by saying “well when you’re 80 she’ll be 70”. Yerh, and when he was 20, she was 9. The point is the age gap NOW.

This is why the “half your age + 7” rule of thumb works so well. It’s an algorithmic beauty that scals with your age. Seriously, try it! No matter your age, you’ll get a maximum age difference that avoids anything inappropriate, allowing for any power imbalances like; I don’t know LITERALLY BEING A TEACHER. Ross thinks he’s got an out on this as the student is technically no longer in his class. But he’s still breaking the “half your age + 7” rule! And, boy does it show.

By today’s standards a 31 year old dating a 20 year old (even as equal consenting adults) would be frowned upon, there’s a pretty big maturity difference.

I explained the “half your age + 7” rule to my mum a while back, she’s getting on a bit but you never know, it might come in handy one day. And she INSTANTLY said her number. Either she’s a lot sharper than she’s letting on, or she’s worked that out before!
To be fair to Ross, he was going to turn down the students advances. Until she made the point about him not being in control of her grades anymore.

And to be fair to the show, they do end by pointing out the college has a literal rule against this sort of thing and that Ross will be fired.

Thanks Friends™ at least we now know what Ross is doing is wrong, and that there are rules in place to protect students from people like him. And now we can move on… oh… no, Ross is still about to sleep with the student.

Jesus, Ross.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Monica Number 2 got married!!

A bit of sedate affair, sadly, with some restrictions still in place. But my god the post-ceremony drinks were incredible!! We spent hours on a boat/bar on the Thames drinking and eating pizza, catching up and reminiscing.

The ceremony itself was not without incident. The registrar was clearly quite out of practice, stumbling over words and pausing awkwardly. But the real kicker was accidentally referring to Monica Number 2 (an almost 7 foot tall, bearded dude) as the “wife” and repeatedly calling them by the wrong name.

At least it wasn’t Monica who got the name wrong…

They did, however, make me absolutely piss myself with some brutal honesty (and later, more literally, by providing me with too many drinks…)

I mentioned how sad it was that David the Science Guy couldn’t attend as they’re, once again, stuck in “Minsk”. And, quick as a flash, Monica replied “yerh, you wouldn’t be here if they could’ve made it.”

Charming to the last! I’m sure he’ll make a lovely wife.

And... we’re back through the wormhole.

Say "bye-bye" to that world, where everything was absolutely great, bar one thing. My daughter didn’t exist :(

My wife says that’s one of her favourite things about having a kid. It means you can’t regret anything in your past, as if you change a single thing they wouldn’t exist. Which is a nice way of looking at it.

Of course, now she’s been born I’m free to make as many mistakes as I like again. Yippee!

I pointed this out to my wife; that the regret-free thing only works for things you did before the baby was born, and she said:

“Well, what if you have another baby?”

Come now, I honestly don’t think continually pumping out babies is a sustainable way of never having regrets. The carbon footprint alone would be devastating…

 “The One With the Scared Children”

Speaking of regrets, Joey’s talking about donating blood. Someone pause the episode, I feel sick. (Though that may just be the smell of the mushroom polenta my wife is making for the baby.)

Now Joey’s trying to scam his way onto a medical trial by paying an actor to pretend to be his twin!

I wish I’d thought of that. Getting a fake twin to donate plasma instead of me could have saved a lot of pain this last year.

Pain like for someone who does Karat-EY? (Now that’s what I call a smooth segue...)

Imagining his alternate life with Carol and Karate has obviously been playing on Ross’s mind. Man’s getting a bit obsessed if you ask me. And, trust me, I know obsession. Thinks he’s now some karate god! Keeps banging on about the quest for “Unagi”. Which, as the rest of my Friends™ rightly keep pointing out, is actually a type of eel.

Ross and Rachel/Phoebe had a bit of fun scaring each other by jumping out from hidden places. But what started as a fun game soon took quite a dark turn, with Ross asking a self-defence instructor how best to attack his ex-wife. He’s lucky the guy didn’t call the cops!

But, err, fortunately Ross gets his comeuppance. It’s always good laughing at Ross’s expense.

What’s actually MORE dark (darker than Ross attacking two women he doesn’t know?? ... Yes.) Is the way Chandler acts with Monica.

They’re celebrating Valentine’s day. Hey! Didn’t we already do this?!

We DID. Rachel just confirmed it, Valentine's was two weeks ago. (Or was it a few months ago? I'm not sure.) I think this confirms the last two episodes did take up no time, and can now definitely be forgotten forever. Alas, poor motor home, we hardly knew ye.

Anyway, Chandler is being very dishonest in how he deals with Monica here. Both have forgotten to get the present they said they would, but he pretends an old mix-tape from Janice is his present.

Monica obviously finds out as Janice’s wonderful voice cuts through the mix-tape, and this is all we get from Janice in season six :( Alas, poor Janice, we hardly knew ye.

But this is AFTER Chandler uses the kudos from the tape to get mad kinky sex, AND a free meal.

Damn, Chandler. That is very not cool.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With rules finally relaxing we were able to host some people the other day, Ross Number 2, Rachel Number 1, and (checking my notes) the couple formerly known as Ross Number 3.

I have no idea what made them Ross Number 3 as being successfully married is the least Ross thing you can do. But anyway, they came round, and brought the kids too for a bit of BBQ action in the damp and cold.

I don’t know how we got onto the subject but somehow talk turned to what sort of person would, and wouldn’t, be appropriate dating material for our daughters in the future. Ross Number 2 immediately jumped on the chance for a joke, with all the speed of Chandler, and all the good judgement of Ross, turning to the nearest child, pointing his finger like a schoolmaster, and practically yelling “no dating drug dealers!” in their face.

Cue, three crying children.

Aw, it’s OK kiddies! Don’t worry, when you grow up, you can date whoever you want.