Woo, just got back from a fancy work do and am absolutely steaming.

You gotta get that free bar while you can.

Pretty sure I accidentally bought a boat? Or was that Joey…

God I wish I had a boat.

OI, JOEY, LET ME USE YOUR BOAT MATE!!!

It was a charity do for Rachel’s work, or was it a craft beer festival my work got me a free ticket for? I’m not sure.

Now, is it just me? Or is Phoebe making a lot more jokes about being sexually inappropriate with the other Friends™ lately? Are you getting desperate Phoebe? Is your biological clock ticking? Don’t worry, you’re still young! I’m sure you’ll find someone. Me? No, sorry I’m married.

Although, throw in a boat and maybe we’ll talk!

Anyway, time to watch “The One With the Proposal Part 1” or as it should be called:

“The One Without the Proposal”

Everyone’s finally calling out Ross for dating someone 12 years younger than him. TWELVE.

But he’s told me he finally ended it. Not cause of the age gap, not because he could get fired, not even because her dad is Bruce Willis. He ended it because he found out she’s the sort of fun person who has water balloon fights. What a loser.

I remember when my first girlfriend cited “lack of maturity” and dumped me, despite being two years younger. We almost got back together a few months later as I “seemed more mature” (well, I had a car…) but I blew it by revealing I’d got with someone else in the interim. Altogether now:

WE WERE ON A BREAK.

​It worked out for the best as I ended up marrying someone, who you may know as my wife.

I remember well the feeling of the proposal, the excitement of telling people, hoping they won’t let it slip. And on the day, feverishly checking my pockets to make sure I’ve got the ring, trying not to give it away, hoping she wouldn’t ask to wear my jacket. It’s all the same as Chandler.

Until bloody Richard shows up!!

God, that dude’s smooth as fuck. But not only has he buggered the whole proposal, now he’s making moves on Monica!

Honestly, you get rid of one inappropriate older man and another pops up to take their place…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I finally had a chance for a peaceful night’s sleep to myself! No alarms, no baby, just me and some Real Live Mates camping for a whole weekend. We got settled in, had a little explore, hit the bottle, and it was time for bed.

Snuggled up in my sleeping bag I was more ready than I’ve ever been for a bit of peace, far from the stress of the modern world, only the birds would wake me.

Of course it was not to be.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. What the hell? What sort of arsehole let’s their car alarm go off at one in the morning at a campsite? **Grumble** They better sort that out quick!

Five minutes later.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

Turns out I am that sort of arsehole.
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After two more times of pressing my key and thinking that was the end of it, I stumbled out my tent in a haze to find my new car had somehow put itself in full blown panic mode! For reasons known only to the manufacturing geniuses of South Korea, the car had opened ALL of its windows, and decided no-one on this campsite was sleeping until this was reversed.
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So, there you are, not only had my one night of peace been ruined, I’d ruined it for everyone else too. Oh, please forgive me fellow campers!  

Wow! Chandler really is going to propose.

I can’t believe another one of my friends is gonna get married!

He’s off ring shopping, with Phoebe, and has picked out an $8000 ring. Eight Thousand Dollars!! Jeebus. Maybe I should care a bit more about the Weenus too?

No wonder he’s always so generous to Joey who, at this point, is just flat out stealing money using Chandler’s credit card. Feel like THAT should be a bit more of a big deal? I guess Chandler’s pre-occupied.

Phoebe’s helping him shop, which reminds me of picking out my ring. I tried to get Rachel Number 2 to help me but they cancelled at the last minute and I had to go it alone. I think I made the right decision, but I’m sure my wife would have been delighted with anything that looked like I’d put in a bit of effort (and cash).

And, to be fair, Rachel Number 2 didn’t let me down as bad as Phoebe, who’s completely failed to look after Chandler’s ring while he’s off getting his credit card.
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Fortunately they manage to hunt down the guy who bought the ring – phew. And somehow persuade him to swap AND accidentally spoil his proposal into the bargain. Honestly sometimes the things my mates get up to are so silly…

If you ask me Chandler should have followed Phoebe’s initial advice and proposed with a revolutionary war musket. I’d LOVE one of those.

“The One Without the Wedding”

******** APPLAUSE ********

Oh my god, it’s Bruce Willis!! What’s he doing here? Oh right, he’s going out with Rachel. You’d think the audience wouldn’t be as impressed anymore? It’s almost as if each week new people come in to watch my Friends™

Rachel’s having trouble getting Bruce to open up. It’s a bit like he’s…
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Unbreakable™

My wife’s been through similar. She routinely asks me to “tell her a secret”. This was great in the first few years but now is just followed by an awkward silence. There are no secrets anymore. But then, as Rachel finds, there’s such a thing as opening up too much.

I actually feel a bit sorry for Paul. Or Bruce. Or, whoever. You know who I mean.

He’s spent his whole life bottling things up and when it all comes out Rachel doesn’t want to know and makes him put it all back in again. Welcome to manhood. Population: us.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with him going round hugging all the guys. God it’s great to be doing that again!! Come here, Brucey, wrap your big old arms around me. Let’s have a cry.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

All this talk of proposals got engagement on my mind.

I went to see Rachel and Ross Number 2. Talk turned to Monica Number 2 who’s recently emigrated with their partner.

“Do you think they’ll get engaged out there?” I, innocently, asked.

Rachel and Ross looked at me in confusion.

“They got married two months ago. You were at the wedding!!!”

How the hell did I forget that?!?!?

I thought I’d got away with it until opening WhatsApp™ a few days later to find a message from Monica:

“YOU WERE AT THE WEDDING!!!”
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Dammit! In another country and still hearing about my idiocy. Maybe I should move to Minsk?

Looks like I spoke too soon on the well behaved baby front.

She’s now taking control a lot more! Refusing food, climbing out the bath with little warning she’s done, and gleefully shaking her head and continuing when you tell her to stop playing with plug sockets.

But, and this seems to be a big bit of parenting so far, I can comfort myself by saying “well it could always be worse”. One unnamed Real Live Friend had to deal with their baby habitually running into the corner of the room at bedtime and pissing on the carpet.

Potty training cannot come soon enough!

“The One With the Holiday Cabins”

It’s a bit weird going through this parenting thing whilst so many of my friends are at different stages of their life. Joey’s swanning round engaging in a casual bit of adultery, Ross is dating his student, and the women are all looking at wedding venues when they’re not even engaged! Hey girls, don’t worry, there’s no pressure to keep up with me.

Rachel persuades Monica to book a wedding venue in advance, just in case. After all, what if they get two years down the line, and have to wait another two years? “Chandler can’t wait that long!”.

Babez, do you know Chandler at all??

She’s not proving to be the best judge of character as Elizabeth’s dad turns out to be a lot less cool than he first seemed too.​

(A nice chance for Bruce Willis to show off a bit of comedic flare.)

Elizabeth’s family cabin is super nice. If anything the locales ruined by the classic “double-booked” storyline. I feel like I saw exactly the same story in Schitt’s Creek™ the other day. (Incidentally, it’s not a patch on Friends™ but it is brilliant being able to watch a show without having to wait two weeks between each episode).

I’m finding it difficult imagining myself twenty years from now in Bruce Willis’s shoes. You’re trying to have a nice romantic weekend, when your daughter shows up with one of her professors who you expressly forbade her from dating. I’d hate things to end up like that. Mostly because I don’t want to lose my hair.

Also Ross somehow get’s out of it by embarrassing Paul into letting him stay. Tacitly threatening to reveal the details of Paul’s warm up routine to Rachel. I really don’t think that would work, surely Paul isn’t that insecure? I mean, he looks like Bruce Willis for Christ’s sake!

They seem to be limping to the end of the season a bit, but the day is saved by Chandler returning from the wedding venue and revealing to Phoebe he’s going to propose!!

I guess I’M the one who doesn’t know Chandler at all.

It’s nice for Chandler to tell us first. I can’t recall if I told any of my friends about the proposal, but I suspect I mentioned it to one or two.

I told my wife’s mum beforehand. Not to be so traditional as to ask permission, but my wife had always made it clear her mum would like to know. Plus I guess that way I’d have someone to blame if she didn’t say yes!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We had our own cabin stay recently, in a way. With restrictions lifting we went on a little family trip to Centre Parcs™. If you don’t know, it’s basically the world’s most middle class holiday camp, where you can enjoy the smells and sights of a forest, without being in anyway isolated from the luxuries of the modern world.

You’ve got your water park, complete with brilliant slides, rapids and wave machine, and all the fun activities a child could hope to enjoy! Except in our case, all the children were either under two or over thirty. So there weren’t that many activities which were age appropriate. And it didn’t help that you now had to book onto them all in advance due to Covid rules.

But we did manage to do a bit of Double Kayaking! This was equal parts fun and terrifying as I noticed my, much too big, wedding ring hadn’t been safely stowed away before boarding. Everytime my wife readjusted her position I could see myself falling in the water and recreating the bit at the start of The Lord of the Rings™ where the ring is lost for a thousand years.

We also had an exceptionally unsuccessful attempt to organise bowling.

I took a surprising amount of initiative, by my standards, and booked a few of us into a late night bowling session. That way we could be sure to do something free from the kids one evening. But come the night itself, as we got closer and closer to the timeslot my wife got more and more tired, as my nephew got more and more awake. In the end it was just me and my brother-in-law, with my wife stuck in bed, and my sister stuck trying to get her child to sleep. And they said parenthood wouldn’t be a barrier to doing things…
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We did have fun, all in all, with the exception of my dad who had a busted knee and spent the whole weekend in the cabin watching TV. To be fair, that’s probably what he would have been doing at home, so I think he enjoyed himself the most in the end.