I’ve bought a motor-home!
I thought “hang the cost, I’ve saved up enough in the last couple of years, why shouldn’t I? Let’s take this show on the road!”
And no-one can tell me otherwise.
“The One With the Motorhome”
I went round Joey’s the other day. The man’s absolutely wasted his Drake Ramoray fortune on awful art.
But he’s got a date with this girl, Rachel, coming up. Maybe she’ll sort him out? Help him become a better person? Or maybe, she’ll get drunk and throw up. I had a bit too much to drink the other day too, but didn’t throw up. Seems no matter how much I drink I don’t throw up anymore; hopefully the motor-home will help me cut back a bit, ay?
The pandemic’s still going on, but we’re barely feeling it down here. In some ways it’s been one of the best years of my life.
I remember a year ago when I thought, “fuck it, I’m gona move to Australia, and wait for this all to blow over”.
It’s been great getting to know my family down here, meeting new people, and I’ve even made a lot of progress with my stand-up! I’ve got that fish out of water angle now, and done so many gigs I really feel at the top of my game.
Ladies? Well I’m not quite Joey… but at least I’m not Ross stuck in his marriage!
He’s tried to spice things up with a threesome. You know how I feel about those? The same as jam and cream on a scone: tried it both ways, it’s not for me.
It’s not actually that funny really, he’s just found out his wife is a lesbian! Imagine that, after nine years. Your marriage is gone, most of your adult life so far spent with nothing to show for it.
I feel bad for Carol too, living a lie for so long, but she’s really done a number on him. She’s been cheating this whole time! Talk about having your cake and eating it… It’s really not fair to Ross the way she’s acted.
It seems everyone’s cheating this week. (Well except Phoebe, who’s still in the hospital, I can’t relate to this heart attack thing at all. I’ve got no concerns there, been finding the time for sport/exercise these last six years so I’m in pretty good shape.)
It’s funny only last week Monica was giving Rachel shit for wanting to cheat with Joey, and now she’s cheated with Chandler!! I’ll admit they do make a cute couple. I, I feel like there’s something familiar about it…
I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t cheated? All those years ago.
We’d probably be married by now. I’d own a real house, instead of a motor-home. In the suburbs. I used to hate the thought of being stuck in the ‘burbs. But now, I dunno, cities are so hectic sometimes. When I was a child we used to go for all these long walks in the country round my granddads. Some days I feel like I could do with a bit of green, away from the endless videogames.
Maybe we’d be talking about kids? Hah, imagine that! Me as a father. That’d be a ridiculous plotline.
I always assumed I’d have kids, not that I particularly have much interest in them, but I still haven’t met the right person. Well, I thought I met the right person, before I fucked up.
It can be a little lonely.
Most of my friends have paired up, back in the UK. I hope they’re OK, getting through things OK. The rest of my family’s been really struggling without me. A lot more than I would have thought… I’ve barely seen my nephew since he was born. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to dad.
Family’s never seemed that important to me. But sometimes it feels like I haven’t got one at all. At least I’ve got my Friends™!
God, I miss my friends.
I miss her.
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
A funny thing happened the other day.
I was waterskiing down on the beach, about to do a real sweet jump, when I saw a big fin in the water! Big… like Jaws, big. Yep, there was only a bloody shark out there!
The boat began heading back to land, but I realised I could still make it to the ramp, even as the shark moved to swim on the other side. My heart pounded as I approached, thinking about the prospect of big toothy danger should I fail.
Reader, I jumped right over that shark. Flying through the sky like Icarus on a cloudy day.
And the spectators on the beach applauded as I headed back to dry land for a cold one.