The day is done.

Around a hundred Real Live Friends and Real Live Family gathered to see us go through what only one of the Friends™ has.

And now, as a married man, I am both further away from the Friends™ and happier than ever before.

Thankfully my wife didn’t pull a Rachel and leave me at the altar. I’m slowly getting used to saying “My Wife” (I still can’t bring myself to say “spouse”), but it does seem a bit possessive. “The Wife” is too dismissive in my book, but when you think it through, probably not as bad as saying “My”. One thing I know for certain, you can’t say “A wife”.

There was a moment at the altar where I was worried, as I stood there looking hotter than Tom Selleck’s head on Matt Le Blanc’s body. Not about her not showing up, worried that instead of saying “I do” she’d just say “you’ll do”.

But we said the right words (and names...) and now it’s done!

Ross Number One even managed to slip a Friends™ reference into his speech! Which was from a future episode so it went completely over my head… but everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

The day was beautiful. It was clear skies for us, even as the Friends™ are stuck in doors at the beach on a rainy day. It’s like they took the rain for us. Hopefully our luck holds for the honeymoon! After what happened last year I’m pretty worried about going away in hurricane season again…

“The One Where I Get Married”

I wasn’t allowed to wear a hat as part of my wedding costume (I’m not sure that’s the right word?).

I wish I had because Ross has given Rachel a huge one! Hat, I mean, although the renewed sexual tension between them is the crux of this season finale. Which once AGAIN ends on a cliffhanger – dammit, now I’m gona spend the WHOLE honeymoon wanting to know which room Ross picked!

We’re going to Vietnam so at least there’ll be ample opportunity for big hats. As long as it doesn’t get hurricane-d off… (Friends™ Gods be kind, that’s one real life cliff-hanger I would not like to be party to.)

I’ll be sure to drink plenty of Margarita’s, hopefully not out of boredom like the Friends™. It’s weird seeing people going on holiday and BEING bored, I can’t imagine that happening these days, with your smart-phones, and your e-books, and your learning about the Viet-Cong. Ok, perhaps I have a different definition of entertainment than others…

Maybe more crazy things would happen if we didn’t have smart-phones? It’s spurred the Friends™ onto a game of strip poker! Although, maybe that’s the Margarita’s…

Likely at the insistence of the Friends™ Gods, we stripped off too on Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2’s Hen/Stag.

One of the scavenger hunt tasks was to recreate some old photos of us all, including one from a game of strip poker! So we all took some of our clothes off for a (PG-13) photograph on the beach. Disappointingly, no-one went as far as Joey, and back at David the Science Guy’s wedding there was no skinny dipping either. Despite my best efforts…

The Friends™ are in an unusually frisky mood. Chatting to Ross’s new bae Bonny about all the places she’s had sex (I can pull off “bae” right?). Our whirlwind tour of Indo-China should give us plenty of opportunities to match her!

Maybe it’s the frisson of the stripping, and Bonny’s sex talk, but everyone’s flirting with each other. Even Chandler and Monica! Imagine that…

But Rachel and Ross are the big surprise, as their old feelings re-emerge. Unfortunately Bonny’s there… bloody unwanted guests! The wife… no, sorry, I’m gonna stick with “my wife”. MY wife had a couple come up to her at the wedding who we didn’t invite but were staying in the hotel and just wanted to see what the commotion was! Cheeky buggers…

Rachel’s got an out though! All she has to do is convince Bonnie to shave her head again and voila. How could Ross ever love someone with no hair… a little insulting to sufferers of alopecia perhaps but it makes for some good jokes? I find it a little too close to the bone (so to speak…) having only just cut off my lustrous Mohawk for the wedding.

Now my hair’s so boring!

I can’t remember ever being bored on trips I’ve done with Real Live Friends. Even when we’re doing boring things like going on walks. I suppose you never remember those moments when nothing is happening. It’s cruel that, at the time, they last the longest but the best times come and go in a flash. After a year of planning the wedding has gone in an instant.

It’s like David the Science Guy said at the wedding:

“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on Earth can you explain, in terms of Chemistry and Physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”

Well, technically it was Einstein who said that. I thought it would be funny to get a scientist to do a wedding reading, by a scientist, which is against science explaining everything. But isn’t it better that love is unexplained?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m going to break with tradition here.

There is no Real Live Sitcom Moment. No cliff-hanger in sight. Everything was faultless.

Mum got over-enthusiastic with the confetti and shoved it down my wife’s top. My 75 year old Australian Aunt still made it despite falling down the stairs on the morning of the wedding. And the photographer managed to avoid racially abusing anyone.

Perfect.

ULTIMATE FIGHTING™

Now cunningly rebranded as M.M.A. and a well established sport, no doubt thanks to its Friends™ appearance.

I had a Real Live Friend who did M.M.A.

He’s dead now.

Not really, I think he works in tech? (So not that different to Millionaire Pete!)

But before the match… an absolutely crazy cameo!!

 Billy Crystal AND Robin Williams. It’s “When Harry Met Genie” as Robins’ (Spanish?) character finds out his wife’s been having an affair with her Gynaecologist. Surely that’s grounds to be struck off?

It says something to how deep down the Friends™ rabbit hole I am, that even seeing Robin Williams pop up doesn’t break my suspension of disbelief.

I, too, had a crazy cameo on the way to Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2’s Hen/Stag do. Passing through the train station I walked past, none other than, Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn!

 “The One Where I Fight Someone”

He looked grumpy, not surprising given the ongoing furore over his parties problem with anti-Semitism (not to mention the other parties Islamophobia).

For years people complained about UK political parties not offering a real choice. I don’t think anyone would have guessed when we finally got one it would be between whether you hate Muslims or Jews.

Seeing as both Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 are Jewish, my only option was to challenge Corbyn to a fight to uphold their honour. The Friends™ Gods demanded it!

I jumped on the 69 year olds back, grabbing him by the beard as we tussled past the Caledonian sleeper train. Perhaps inspired by the train, I went to put him in a sleeper hold but was bull-rushed by an absolutely livid Dianne Abbott.

I sparred with both… hitting Corbyn with a hard-right hook, deftly dodging a sneaky knee from Abbott. She tried to get it on target, but gravely miscalculated. And all the while the Friends™ were cheering me on. Phoebe baying for blood.

I awoke on the train to Ramsgate. Dazed and confused, and still on my way to the Hen/Stag Do. I had passed Corbyn on the platform, I was sure of it, but the Friends™ existed only in my dreams. Their desire was clear however, I was going to have to fight someone.

Everyone was jubilant as we arrived and David the Science Guy laid out our plans for the weekend.

I eyed my Real Live Friends with caution. Who would it be? I didn’t fancy my chances against any of them. The bride and groom-to-be were a tempting target. It would teach them for being in such a different position to Rachel and Ross… getting married when Rachel is only just getting jealous about Ross dating again. The nerve of it!

But did I really want to end up in another 2 against 1 situation?

One thing I knew for certain: I would not be fighting Monica Number 2. They’d completely destroy me.

Either Chandler Number 2 or Joey Number 1 seemed my best bet. Both smokers… but Chandlers just got back from a trip to Everest base camp, and Joey’s got in pretty good shape of late (and did I want to take on a guy who recently adopted the name "Hunter"?)

My Real Live Friends began to notice I was acting strangely… I would have to act quickly!

My eyes rested on Me Number 2. Fighting myself did have a certain perverse quality to it. The perfect, narcissistic culmination to the last three years? But would the Friends™ approve of me fighting a woman? Would it be better to kick things off by slapping a dude on the arse like Chandler's boss?

Before I knew it, it was too late. David the Science Guy started the clock on our first activity, a scavenger hunt, and we were away! Charging through the town, with Rachel Number 1 tearing open the envelope with our list of challenges.

Imagine my delight when we got to number 13:

“Wrestle on a beach”

THE FRIENDS™ GODS HAD DELIVERED.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It hasn’t all been fun and games.

Having only been in the house a few weeks it’s too soon to let the cats out. And yet only one came for their breakfast yesterday. After establishing she was definitely not in the house, Janice noticed the previously locked cat-flap was now open!

The cat somehow managed to unlock it.

I couldn’t believe it, our technology obsessed times have got so bad, we design cat-flaps that can recognise specific cat’s microchips but don’t have cat-proof locking mechanisms on the inside!! We searched the whole day, put up posters, pulling out all the stops.

We got so desperate we ended up spreading litter around the garden and putting half our furniture outside in the hope the smell would help her home. I started pulling all the fluff out the hoover to spread it round, thinking “Oh my God… this is all I have left of her”, when our neighbour poked their head out the window: “errm, everything alright?”  How were they the only person in the area who still didn’t know?

What a way to meet the neighbours…  

After searching for well over 12 hours we finally gave up hope.

And the cat found her way back right before bed. Acting as if NOTHING had happened.

How could she be so selfish?!

She’s even worse than Monica, who breaks up with Pete for not giving up on his dreams. All because she doesn’t want to see him get mercilessly beaten to a pulp. Selfish. You go for it Pete, chase your crazy dream!

Pete may not have learned how to be the Ultimate Fighter, but he's taught me to never give up, no matter the cost. It’s pretty inspirational really, especially with my Wedding round the corner. I may never be Ultimate Fighting Champion either, but if I persevere there is one momentous task I may achieve… finishing this stupid blog!

With that (and the wedding), it’s got me thinking, what have I learned over the last three years?

I’ve learned a lot about the show itself:

• ALL the characters are dicks (with Ross being by far the worse).
• But that is why we love them!
• There's a LOT of gay jokes.
• New York’s laws on unusual pets are very lax.
• There really aren’t that many minority characters considering the setting.
• A lot of the Friends™ problems would be solved by having smart-phones.
• Fatherhood requires very little effort if your ex-wife has married a lesbian.
• They were NOT on a break.
• Most importantly: the show is still fricking hilarious!

And in my own life I’ve made several Friends™ inspired discoveries:

• It’s hard to uncover family secrets when you’re getting married and moving house at the same time (I will talk to my sister I promise!)
• Sometimes the best way to progress in your career is to jump at whatever opportunity is in front of you, rather than actually trying.
• Tragedy and heart-ache are unavoidable, but light moments can be found even at the saddest of times. And we can treasure our lost loved ones whilst still having a laugh.
• No matter how much you love Friends™ you shouldn’t get a tattoo just because the characters did.
• And finally, if you start a stupid blog where you watch Friends™ every two weeks in chronological order, your mental state needs to be solid enough to withstand a barrage of coincidences occurring…

Thanks for following the last three years, here’s to the next seven! (And to my wedding…)

THE WAITING IS FINALLY OVER.

After a year and a half, we are in a house! I can’t quite believe it.

But now, MORE waiting (more Friends™ appropriate waiting) I’ve been on hold even more than Phoebe this week! Our moment of triumph has been tarnished by the bank taking not one but TWO mortgage payments from us. Over a month early!! Why is it so hard for banks to transfer a refund?! MOVING MONEY ABOUT IS YOUR ONLY JOB.

Couldn’t we just have this one thing go smoothly?

My job’s a joke, I’m broke… but at least my love life’s picking up now I’m not in my mum’s house.

“The One Where I Move Out My Parents House for the Third Time”

We’ve begun preparing for our honeymoon. Janice is terrified of needles, and the nurse did a very poor job of comforting her before jabbing her. Every time the nurse said the n-word the blood drained from her face. Needles, I mean, not THE n-word. That would have been cause for a lot more concern than a little needle.

The poor bedside manner was nothing compared to what Ross is going through after finding a strange growth. He’s passed around various doctors (including a rare black supporting character – I can’t even remember the last time the show had a black character) and eventually ends up being “cured” by an over-enthusiastic homeopaths watch.

Ew.

I hate to think about what bits of skin might have collected on my Grandpa’s watch over the years.

Moving on rapidly… Phoebe is dating two different guys. How to decide between a buff fireman and a sensitive kindergarten teacher? I always thought this was a big cultural difference between New York and London – but it fits better now with our liberated, polyamorous, times.

I can’t speak for all my Real Live Friends but I do know that Monica Number Two dated several people at once before his current partner won the “jackpot”. And, of course, Joey routinely dates several people at once. Wait, sorry, Joey isn’t real. This is getting so confusing!

Phoebe has her work cut out for her, after finding there’s more to both her baes than meets the eye. The fireman even keeps a journal! The big loser. I legitimately turned to Janice at this point and asked:

“Would you ever date a guy who writes a journal?”

“Err… you do.”

Oh god… what have I become? And she's not just dating me but living with me as well! And we're getting married! The poor woman.

Fortunately the house is pretty much everything we could have hoped for, given the Brexit™ induced housing crash has yet to materialise. Yet another broken promise from our politicians…

It does seem super small compared to Millionaire Pete’s house. And he’s even got a VIDEO PHONE.

“We should totally get one of those!” I say, excitedly, to Janice.

“We’ve already got one” she replies, gesturing to her smart-phone.

… Yerh, but it’s not built into a wall.

Maybe it’s a little too soon to start bashing holes in walls? And it’s a little too soon for Monica and Pete to get married. She thinks he’s gonna propose and is surprisingly up for it! Oh Monica, it was only weeks ago you were lamenting the lack of a spark. Honestly, you show a woman one videophone and they fall at your feet.

Much to Monica’s disappointment, Mr millionaire isn't proposing, he’s actually planning a new hobby… ULTIMATE FIGHTING. I’ve never done a fight. At least not one that didn’t involve me being punched in the head repeatedly. Perhaps I should take up tai chi?

Monica’s disappointment reminds me of Janice a few Christmases ago. I went to a great deal of effort to construct her a wonderful photo-book telling the story of our relationship. Only for it to be completely undercut by her sister saying “that would have been a great way to propose…”

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We just had a meeting with our wedding photographer.

He’s a bit of a caricature that would do well in a Friends™ guest spot. A blokey bloke with a penchant for dropping casual racism and sexism into the mix. He even managed to blame political correctness for the venue not letting him use a stepladder.

It’s like that old Stewart Lee™ routine:

“Honestly, you can’t even use a step-ladder anymore incase it insults people from broken homes.”

But he’s a good photographer (our guy, not Stewart Lee). Hopefully he doesn’t read this and make us look terrible on the big day.

“Janice” here.

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’m still coming to terms with it, but my wonderful fiancé hasn’t come back from his stag do. I was worried sick all week until I got the call from Ross Number One.

The bastard was right. He didn’t make it. And WORST OF ALL he would have said this was all evidence of some burgeoning psychic power. That he’d predicted yet another thing happening to him. Well look where his STUPID Friends OBSESSION lead him. And now he’s gone and left me six weeks before the wedding. I don’t know what to do.

I know he would have wanted me to carry on this stupid project. So I guess, I’ll try, maybe that’ll help me come to terms with things?

Oh look, it’s Ben Stiller! How exciting. Letting his anger get the better of him and having it burst out. Just like my fiancé used to. It’s all tied up neatly when Chandler finds him yelling at the duck.

I SUPPOSE that’s like the argument my fiancé had with his sister before he left? She’s just got a dog which came round and terrified our poor cats. Oh god our poor cats… What am I going to do!

There’s a picture of an avocado in Monica’s kitchen? He would have loved that. Probably made some stupid joke about Friends predicting hipsters…

I just, can’t believe he’s dead.

 “The One Where I Fake My Own Death”

OK, OK. It’s me! Janice and I are fine. She’s safely at work. I’m snuggled with the cats, still smarting over the confrontation with my sister’s dog.

Hopefully you realised my joke there. You really should have, firstly because Janice would never carry on the project in the event of my untimely death (she hates it). But mostly because she DEFINITELY wouldn’t call me wonderful. Especially after pretending I’d died…

The stag was fine in the end. So far as I’m aware no-one even threw up. We did have one person faint, but I think it was just the heat. (I believe that makes him Me Number 3?)

We mostly managed to stay out of trouble, but were briefly chased by the police when the pirate ship we were attempting to learn how to sail got a bit too close to a warship.

It was amazing, lots of drink, stupid costumes, and some of my favourite people. I almost want to call off the wedding so I can have another!

But anyway, we’re here for Friends™ not for me to brag.

There’s an odd throwaway line about Chandlers watch not working. I’ve been wearing a watch that doesn’t work for several months now. Strange. My dad came and stood over me whilst I was watching TV and asked if I’d like my Grandpa’s watch. Unfortunately I’d recently watched Pulp Fiction so I blurted out “as long as it hasn’t been up Christopher Walken’s ass”.

Looks like Friends™ isn’t the only thing influencing my life.

I decided to wear the watch to honour my Grandpa’s memory. I got it in my head that if I fixed it it would cease to be a memento, as I would be wearing it for functional purposes. This annoyed Janice no end as she repeatedly pointed out I could honour the memory of my Grandpa and still know what time it was.

But a part of me felt like the watch had stopped, if not at his death then soon after, and somehow this connected me to the funeral I had missed, which still existed, frozen in time on the other side of the world.

It may sound silly but I think it helped. I’ve now stopped wearing the watch and feel I’ve come to terms with his death, one year on. I think I’m finally ready to take his memorial DVD out of the freezer.

Waiting is a bit of a theme this week, with Phoebe waiting on hold for hours, and the premiere of Joey’s long awaited play (including a short but sweet third appearance from his agent Estelle).

We’ve spent the last month waiting to hear if our THIRD attempt to buy is house is going to go through. At this point any joy we may have felt at the prospect of moving out my parents house has well and truly been sucked from the process. Like Phoebe we’ve spent hours trying to get in contact with the sellers to move things forward only to be stuck in some sort of hellish answer phone limbo.

I was further disappointed by Friends™ not showing us Joey’s play and skipping straight to the fallout. But what a treat it was when they finally had it!

The terrible reviews lead to, a newly single, Kate having a wonderful night with Joey, and a rare example of a character getting super drunk on the show. But tragically, just as Joey thinks he’s finally getting what he wants, she leaves and it’s back to square one.

Hopefully the same doesn’t happen with the house…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Just a couple of little things from the Stag:

Monica Number 2 rode the recent success of the England football team very highly. With a fetching waistcoat making up part of his pirate costume, a drunk guy insisted on buying him numerous Jaegerbombs™ after mistaking him for Gareth Southgate.

Meanwhile Joey Number 1 is contemplating changing his name to a more memorable one. He was greeted by howls of laughter after asking “what do you guys think of the name Hunter?”

Oh Joey Number 1¸ I think it’s a great name… for a dog. I might start calling him Old Yeller.

I still haven’t spoken to my sister. Ok, OK, I will! It’s just I’ve barely seen her. Or, indeed, ANY of my family. Even living with them we can’t seem to end up in the same room together.

A while back I tried to arrange a get together for my birthday and it ended up being just me, Janice and my mum. A top way to celebrate my last birthday before married life…

As my Stag gets closer I’m getting more and more worried about dying. Am I too old for a whole weekend of drinking? Who will survive longest? Me on my stag, or Monica on her Roller Skates?

“The One With Background Boobs”

Janice still hates my pre-wedding midlife crisis hair. Perhaps I should make like Chandler and get my goatee back??

I’ve noticed a weird trend here, every-time Monica goes out with someone with facial hair, Chandler copies them. Is this a joke about Chandler’s insecurity over his masculinity? Or hinting at something more…

Whatever Chandler’s reasons, Monica is finally succumbing to Creepy Pete’s advances. Definitely nothing to do with him buying her a restaurant, and everything to do with him forcefully kissing her minutes after she told him she never wanted to see him again. #Problematic

Unsurprisingly, T.O.W.T.C.A.T.D was written by a man. I did a double take when I saw they were called Chris Brown, but it turns out it’s not that one. Most likely because he was only 8 at the time.

The toxic masculinity continues, with Jennifer Aniston just about managing to sell Rachel finding Ross endearing, even as he decries his “right” to imagine her naked against her will. As someone who’s about to get married I can categorically state that I never ever think about any of my ex’s naked.

But there were copious boobs on display at David the Science Guys weddings. (Unlike at my stag where I’ve enacted a strict “No Strippers” policy #VirtueSignalling). This was largely the result of Ross Number 3 breast feeding. Although I took my top off regularly too. Wouldn’t want her to feel exposed!

I managed to undercut any awkwardness over the breast feeding by pointing out I’d seen her boobs before. To her amusement, but less to her husbands… Turns out all I had to do to make the same point as Ross, but without it being weird, was to not imply that I fantasise about her for sexual gratification. Who’d have thought it!?
 
I’m pretty proud of how well I dealt with sharing a house with a baby. Especially considering I was hung-over for most of the weekend. It’s strange growing up and realising how many times my uncles must have been hung-over during my formative experiences.

It must be pretty daunting, too, being the first couple to bring a baby into the group, but it seemed like the most natural thing in the world having him there. And, unlike in Friends™, everyone was cool with the breastfeeding. It’s hard to imagine Joey being normal around a breastfeeding mother, when he can’t even see Monica fall over onto Rachel without getting a stiffy.

I won several “daddy” points for watching the baby on the sofa whilst Ross Number 3 was getting ready. But all these were lost the night of the wedding, after Ross Number 3 found me and Chandler Number 2 passed out on the very same sofa at two in the morning.

Maybe I’m not quite ready for fatherhood…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I may not be ready, but Chandler and Joey are taking a step towards fatherhood by getting a pet. A chick, and later, a duck.

Once again the show copies my life!

My Mum’s kept chickens for several years now, and the last surviving one (natural causes, not my cats) has just taken advantage of the heat and snuck in the kitchen through an open door.

Watching Chandler coo-ing over his chick reminds me of Janice telling me she caught my dad singing to our cats. God I wish I’d seen that…

He’s having a bit of a rough time lately. I asked if I could have his bike, saying he was too old to use it now anyway, and he ended up spending loads of money on a brand new one with lots of fancy equipment.

Inevitably, I came home from the wedding to find him laid up in a chair with a swollen ankle and scabby knees. On the one hand I feel pretty vindicated, but also a little bad that I essentially bullied my dad into a cycling accident.

I’ve determined to ask my sister about my half-brother.

Well, I decided two weeks ago, but it’s been a little hard to find the time.

Love is in the air and I’m hard pressed to keep up, with Chandler dating Rachel’s boss, and Joey creeping on the women in his play. Even Rachel and Ross seem back on pleasant terms. Thank you, tiny T-shirt!

In real life (“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”) I actually haven’t had the time as I’ve been preoccupied with David the Science Guys double wedding. (First dance: Bohemian Rhapsody). A double wedding, not because he’s embraced a life of bigamy… but, because he, selfishly, invited us down to his families beautiful house in the South of France for a second party. The utter bastard.

Despite the hardships caused by getting a tan, drinking lots of wine, and lazing in a pool all day (not in that order) both weddings were excellent. A personal highlight was Joey Number One living up to his name by spending most of the reception chirpsing my ex, before remembering who she was.

But real Joey’s behaviour is much worse. First, dating his stage wife’s understudy (aren’t there rules against that sort of thing?) then jumping in bed with his stage wife. The director’s partner no less! Once again Friends™ keeps things light by keeping a healthy distance from the victims, Joey even highlighting what a caricature the director is. (Albeit, a hilarious one…)

At least Joey’s creeping seems to have a purpose. When his stage wife spurns him, he learns an important lesson and calls his past flings to apologise for using them. Maybe there’s hope for him yet!

“The One With the Double Wedding”

Mirroring my lack of movement on the brother front, Chandler is having trouble committing.

Like Chandler and Rachel’s bosses date, the wedding gave Janice (my fiancée) a chance to get to know Cannibal Boss a bit better. Hopefully they won't fall for each other. Though if they eloped it would make me a Ross…

It also gave Janice a chance to harass a doctor friend with many questions about her well-being. Culminating in Janice asking “DOES THIS MEAN I’M GOING TO DIE?!” and the doctor’s partner (7 foot Rachel Number 2) turning round from their conversation and booming a deep, and sonorous “yesssss...” to the amusement of those present, and the mortification of Janice.

And speaking of ‘mort’ (as the French would say) this, jam-packed, episode has another quirky Friends™ look at bereavement. Monica and Ross’s Aunt has died, and a delighted Monica inherits her dolls-house. I count myself lucky that all my Aunts and Uncles are still with us. Although, less lucky, considering how hard it made doing our weddings seating plan.

Surprisingly, I really enjoyed doing it! It combined three things I love: logic puzzles, judging people, and sitting down.

One thing I’m enjoying less, is our ongoing attempt to buy a house. Just when I think we’re making progress things fall backwards again. And even when we get one, do I even want to get locked into a “keeping up with the Joneses” lifestyle? Buying sofas, and cabinets, and leather-bound books. It seems so petty when played out on a miniature stage, as Monica and Phoebe compete to fill their dollhouses.

Still, in a city where no-one can afford property, caring deeply about a dolls-house makes a lot of sense.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

And now onto the actual best bit of the wedding, straight out of the Friends™ playbook!

It’s a running joke for the Real Live Friends that David the Science Guy's brother is, how shall I put this, in many ways… cooler than him in every respect. (I recognise, I may well be in the same position, but let’s not get into that).

This joke doesn’t mean anything, of course! They are both equally great in their own ways.

But it does lead to moments of great amusement. And so, what happens at his wedding? No less than the registrar saying HIS BROTHERS NAME during the vows.

*** SPOILERS ***

Fortunately the bride took it in her stride, corrected the registrar immediately, and the ceremony continued. As soon as the fits of laughter subsided.

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what would I be?

Would I be pretty? Would I be rich? And here’s what she said to me:

“WHY DO YOU NEVER SEEM TO BE AT WORK?! YOU’RE ALWAYS SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER DOING NOTHING. WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE YET?! I’M FED UP OF FEEDING YOUR CATS. I WISH THEY’D HURRY UP WITH BREXIT. Oh, also you might have a half brother I’ve never told you about.”

God I need to move out of this house... But what of my brother? 

I’ve been thinking about it a lot since last time. Why has it never come up? I've only ever heard about it from my sister, when she found the letter alluding to it. What if she made it up? Worse still, what if SHE never even told me about it? What if this Friends™ thing has all become too much and I imagined it? What if, looking into all these coincidences I’ve gone fully delusional and made one for myself?

One thing I do know, I’m still not ready to ask about it.

 “The One Where I Worry I’m Making Things Happen”

It’s been two months for us since Rachel and Ross split but just three weeks for the Friends™. And so, with the dust finally settling, the vultures begin to move in. We get our first look into Gunther’s creepy, Rachel obsessed head (god I hope my brother isn’t like him…) before Mark swoops in and asks Rachel out first.

Maybe Ross had a point all along?

Perhaps I’m a little distracted with the brother thing but I didn’t really enjoy any of this.

Gunther is acting like a tool, Mark is acting like a tool, AND Millionaire Pete, AND Joey, AND Ross. All tools. At least Ross redeems himself in the end by returning Rachel’s favourite T-Shirt. But with this much level of dick-ery I can understand why Chandler spends most of his time playing with himself on a Barcalounger.

After Pete mentions Voice Recognition Software™, for a second, my Friends™ addled mind thought the show had predicted its invention. I did some research and it turns out it was first made available in 1990. All yours for only a thousand dollars! It’s weird hearing them talk about it now, in the age of Siri and Alexa. God, I hope my brother is into Android™ and not Apple™.

Despite being the founder of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Pete is struggling to win Monica over. She leaves him out in the cold, only to find her flat full of Friends™ misusing their spare key. Living at my parents we don’t have this problem now, but Rachel Number Two used to regularly let herself into my house at university.

My wonderful fiancée Janice had the opposite problem the other day when she forgot both her spare key to my parents AND the key to her parents. That must have been a dull afternoon, driving around waiting for people to come home. Still, the weather’s nice.

Janice and I had an interesting discussion the other day about hobbies and self-indulgence. She pointed out that all my hobbies are very self-indulgent: playing music, writing a blog about Friends™ (Yes, it is a hobby!) But I’m not too sure. I can’t speak to the entertainment value of Real Live Friends but at least with playing music it’s a hobby that other people can enjoy you doing.

If you look at it that way it’s a lot LESS self-indulgent than bowling.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I spent the bank holiday in the park with Ross Number One a few other Real Live Friends, and a couple of beers before going to see some live music (very self-indulgent of me – doing something only I could get enjoyment out of).

We were watching the support act when the heat suddenly got the better of me and I fainted!

I came round to pounding music and my mate’s giant face shouting my name. Vision blurry, like a TV that’s not tuned in properly, I was dragged up to the first aid room and diagnosed with dehydration.

Fortunately, I recovered in time to see the headline act. Less fortunately, they’re called Sleep, so I now have to live with being the guy who fell asleep at a Sleep concert.

But the weirdest thing is, earlier in the afternoon I thought exactly that. “Wouldn’t it be funny if I fell asleep at a Sleep concert?” AND THEN IT HAPPENED. This is really not putting my worries about my brother to rest. If I can accidentally make myself faint at a Sleep concert, who’s to say my sub-conscious hasn’t made up a half-brother to make my life more like Friends™?!

And what about it going the other way? What if Janice and I have been on a break for two months and I haven’t realised?! Think of all the Xerox™ girls I could have slept with…

Also, I think Ross Number One is a lot more worried about me dying on my Stag Do now.

It’s alright, Ross Number One, the Friends™ survived Ross’s Stag Do so I’ll be fine!

Much like the Friends™ I haven’t managed to get round to a skiing trip.

Going skiing with my Real Live Friends seems to be one of those things we’ve been talking about since we left university but never made happen.

Somewhere out there there’s a poor, lonely, camping trip waiting for all of us.

“The One Where I Start to Wonder”

The world has gone wedding mad. Ours is now less than four months away, Prince Harry is getting married, and now Phoebe’s brother is too.

The news seems to hit Monica pretty hard and, just like Meghan Markle, she jumps at the first millionaire she has a chance with.

Oh hey, it’s Jon Favreau, later responsible for kick-starting the most successful movie franchise of all time. It seems I’m not the only one letting Friends™ influence their life, as there’s a touch of Iron Man™ about his character. Only if, instead of fighting international terrorism, Iron Man™ abused his power to get women.

Not sure I’d be impressed if I thought I was going for dinner, but was forced to take an eight hour flight from New York to Rome instead. Monica even calls him out on his earlier behaviour, but it seems she’s falling for him by the end.

It’s not the only part of the show that’s a little problematic.

We get more gay jokes about Chandler’s dad, and the bulk of his quest to stop smoking (after only two weeks, the wuss…) revolves around a hypnosis tape that accidentally makes him think he’s a “Strong Independent Woman”. Other commentators have suggested this is Chandler showing latent transexual tendencies and that it’s mockery of him, and his camp-ness here, is part of the shows wider trans/homo-phobia.

I’m usually quick to criticise the show for it’s over reliance on “Gay Jokes” but I’m not sure I agree with this.

Apart from the line about Chandlers’ dad I don’t think this episode is being homophobic. It’s neither criticising Chandlers’ behaviour nor suggesting there is anything inherently funny about camp-ness, or femininity in men. We know his actions are the result of the tape and the humour is from seeing a, usually non-camp, straight, character acting in this way. It’s the juxtaposition and the other characters reactions that is amusing, along with Matthew Perry’s hilarious, over-the-top performance.

I find the shows attitude to Frank Jnr much more troubling. And not just because of my own latent emotions regarding the topic.

I wonder, is my secret half-brother single? Married? Engaged to a much older woman? Should I have invited him to our wedding?! It’s too much to take in.

With this storyline the shows doing the opposite of the Chandler plot. We’re still laughing at the incongruity of it all, but the end result of what it says about our culture is much worse.

All the characters are put out by how inappropriate it is for Frank Jnr’s teacher to marry him at eighteen, especially an over-protective Phoebe (considering she’s only met him twice…). But wait, in the end they all come to accept the happy couples love!

Is Friends™ condoning an older woman taking advantage of a vulnerable young adult just because she wants babies? A young adult who’s recovering from one of his lungs collapsing, amongst other things?! And Friends™ is saying this is fine?

Yes, yes it is.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We went to our wedding venue the other day, and I was relieved to see it’s as nice as we remember.

Less nice was the food. We were there to taste a few of the options available to us on the big day, only to be served a truly disgusting starter.

When my fiancée questioned whether it was actually what we were supposed to be served, it turned out that, no, it was not. They hadn’t bothered to get in the correct ingredients for us. Even though they’d already put it back by two weeks to GET the right ingredients.

We were left wondering why they'd even bothered to get us there.

Hrrm, “The One Without”… That's new. It's always been "The One With" until now.

Perhaps it's some clever summation of the sense of loss permeating the episode...

Am I starting to over-analyse this thing???

 “The One With the Ill-advised Haircut”

Who gets to keep who when the s**t hits the fan?

It’s a thought that occasionally crosses my mind as I sit with my fiancée and our cats. How would we split them if we were ever to break up? One each? She’d get both? Down the middle?

And friends too. Years ago when friendships were new it was easy to split them, in hypothetical convos over what to do if couples broke up. You instinctively knew, like making a wedding guest list. But as you get older, there’s more history, relationships spanning years, friendships crossing one half of a relationship to the other. And things get a lot harder. Like making a wedding seating plan.

I suppose that’s why we never bothered in my Real Live Friend group. Both the couples at the center of our last two break-ups, including Monica Number 2, and Chandler Number 2 and Joey Number 1, remain friends with all of us. (If not quite with their partners anymore #SadFace).

It’s enough to drive anyone to smoke, and Chandler has succumbed as Rachel and Ross remind him of his parents divorce. This is the first real hint we’ve had that Chandlers childhood was a lot harder than previously let on. Him starting smoking at nine years old is particularly disturbing, and plays a little strange given how seriously the dangers of smoking are now taken (along with him smoking inside against other characters wishes).

We’re moving in the opposite direction as my fiancée has finally also kicked the habit (congrats!). To be completely honest, I have had the odd one since stopping over three years ago. She noticed this for the first time when I got back from a Real Live Friends wedding which I’d ended with a cheeky (but disgusting) menthol.

“So THAT’s what it’s like when you kiss someone after they’ve had a cigarette!?”

Yup, welcome to my world. Though to be fair, with her recently returned sense of smell, she does now have to put up with me. We’ll call it a draw.

Rachel and Ross are at an impasse as well. The Friends™ are refusing to take sides but, with Ross unwilling to admit his mistakes (“We were on a break!”), they head off in Phoebe’s grandmas cab without him. Before running out of gas. God! Can’t the writers come up with ANY original ideas? Rather than just stealing them all from me?!

Fortunately this allows Ross to save the day and things look like they may be able to continue as usual, though we never do see any skiing. I guess “The One Without” was just a handy way to avoid a very expensive episode of television.

Hey, maybe we should go skiing?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve been feeling pretty Zen lately. I seem to have become a lot happier just passively letting things happen to me.

Sure, there are still things I want to do but these all fall in a routine now. Playing music, going to work, seeing my partner and Real Live Friends; I’ve arrived at a place where I can just let everyone else make decisions and say yes to whatever I can fit in.

And so Friends™ has come to have this influence over my life as well.

After noticing last time that none of the characters have had 90s curtains for quite some time, I took the plunge and cut mine off, seeing it as an opportunity to relive a favourite old haircut (whilst I still can): a bleached blonde Mohawk.

(No-one please point out that all my hair styles are apparently failed attempts to emulate David Beckham.)

This has resulted in my fiancée not even being able to look at me as I remind her too much of her ex. But the Friends™ gods demanded it! It’s like they’re forcing us to be like Rachel and Ross, unable to be in the same room together.

Previously on Real Live Friends…

RLF has spent two and a half years watching Friends™ and comparing it to his own life.

In that time:

RLF, Rachel, Chandler and Monica have all changed jobs.
The Friends™ have had a host of hilarious relationships, RLF has got engaged.
The Friends™ are still living in the same apartments, RLF is “temporarily” living at their parents.

Wedding Count:
Friends™ - 1 (aborted)
Real Live Friends – 2

Divorce Count:
Friends™ - 1
Real Live Friends – 1

Birth Count:
Friends™ - 1
Real Live Friends - 1

Death Count:
Friends™ - 2
Real Live Friends – 2 (and 1 dog)

Number of inter- friend –group relationships:
Friends™ - 1 (Rachel and Ross)
Real Live Friends – 1 (Chandler Number 2 and Joey Number 1)

Infidelity Count:
Friends™ - 4 (including Joey’s dad, and excluding Joey)
Real Live Friends – 1 near miss

Number of Breaks:
Friends™ - 1 (Rachel and Ross)
Real Live Friends - 1 (Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2)

Number of Tattoos:
Friends™ - 1
Real Live Friends – 1

Number of Pets:
Friends™ - 1 (Monkey)
Real Live Friends – Cats and Dogs (numerous)

Number of Curtain Haircuts:
Friends™ - 0 now
Real Live Friends – 1 (Still going strong…)

Time spent in New York:
Friends™ - 2.5 years
Real Live Friends – one week

Number of Women Ross Has Slept with:
3 (and one near miss with Chandlers mum)

Number of Times RLF has Watched Old Yeller:
0

A series of Friends™ related coincidences have occurred. The most recent of which (finding out he shares his anniversary with Rachel and Ross) has caused RLF to fear for his sanity… read on to see if his relationship goes the same way as Rachel and Ross…

 “The One With the ‘Previously On…’”

It seems we’re still good here, thank you very much. Unlike Rachel and Ross, we’ve just had a lovely anniversary in Paris. However, I did just find out a friends brother’s wife left him for a lesbian, so the less said about my sanity the better.

Two weeks have passed since my last entry. Blog entry, I mean. (things are going a little better for me than Rachel and Ross). For the Friends™ it’s only the morning after Ross’s “last entry” with the Xerox™ girl. Woops… like Ross I’ve made a bit of an error here, though waiting two weeks rather than watching straight on isn’t quite as bad as his mistake.

I watched this episode without my fiancé, so was spared her pointing out that the Xerox girl is 100% my type. I can now jump in my time machine and get with her without suspicion, thus saving both Rachel and Ross and technically not cheating! (Because we weren’t going out in the 90s). At least, I could if this were Goodnight Sweetheart™. Alas, Friends™ has no time travel (as yet…).

At least we now know: They were definitely NOT on a break.

But they are now, indefinitely… goodbye Rachel and Ross.

I was wondering how they’d manage to navigate this. A gritty break-up between two beloved characters isn’t exactly comedy gold. So before the drama we get a comic melange of Ross trying to work out what to do, and then attempting to cut off the “trail” to save his relationship. The boys are as bad as each other here, Chandler and, a worryingly experienced, Joey persuading Ross to keep the secret.

Maybe the real reason Joey thinks he needs a new walk is to make him less recognisable to all the women he’s treated like crap?

With social media now you’d either need to be a complete word wizard or a high-grade hacker to cut off this “trail”. There’s something about seeing Ross physically putting in the effort, rather than seeing a sad little man hacking his girlfriends Facebook™ and blocking people, that leaves you wanting him to succeed. Until Gunther ruins everything! Stupid Gunther.

“Finally she will be mine!”

Cleverly, the writers manage to make the dramatic confrontation between Rachel and Ross both intensely moving and highly amusing by showing it from the other characters perspective. Their selfish squabbling and bickering undercuts the tragedy. Though to be fair to Jennifer Aniston, she is hilarious when Rachel is being sarcastic!

Ross is trying desperately to save things, eventually resorting to gas-lighting:

 “You’re the one that ran!”

Errr no…. she wasn’t Ross. We were all there; you literally slammed the door and ran after she suggested a break. Good on Rachel for remaining strong and ending it.

It’s easy to say from the outside, but someone cheating a year into a relationship with problems already is definitely the end. It’s too long after the grace period of confusion at the start and way before the late marital period where you’ve got so much history things might be salvageable. (Although you wouldn’t mistakenly think you were on a break if you were married, unless it’s very late in the marriage and one of you has Alzheimer’s).

Like Rachel and Ross we’re left broken hearted.

Until Joey walks out.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Paris was tip-top, but the vegetarian struggle is very much real over there. The concierge at our hotel basically laughed in our face when we asked about vegetarianism, before launching into a bizarre “comic” rant about how the British Royal Family killed Princess Diana.

It was very difficult to tell what was supposed to be humour and how much was genuine craziness. Like Phoebe’s date last time, we were in desperate need of a translator...

We went to the Moulin Rouge, and saw loads of boobs. We went to the Louvre, and saw loads of boobs. All in all it was a very boob-y holiday. But apart from that was excellent.

Food wise my fiancés one saviour was the cheese-board. We have a terrible habit of leaving it too late to find somewhere for dinner, usually resulting in very h-angry walks. This time was no different after we took an Uber™ half way across the city only for the top-rated wine bar to be unexpectedly fully booked. On Easter Sunday. What are the chances?!

We went to our default of desperately wandering the streets looking for somewhere nice and eventually found a comparable looking wine bar. Finally our needs for wine and cheese would be met!

We ordered the biggest sample rack on the menu and what turned out to be the world’s most disappointing cheese-board. But at least we still had the wine coming! We waited, and then, with a flourish, our waiter brought over our drinks. Six glasses of the finest Port that Paris had to offer!

Needless to say, my fiancé was not best pleased. Particularly when I attempted to drink most of it myself to get our moneys worth before we left.