Would I be pretty? Would I be rich? And here’s what she said to me:
“WHY DO YOU NEVER SEEM TO BE AT WORK?! YOU’RE ALWAYS SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER DOING NOTHING. WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE YET?! I’M FED UP OF FEEDING YOUR CATS. I WISH THEY’D HURRY UP WITH BREXIT. Oh, also you might have a half brother I’ve never told you about.”
God I need to move out of this house... But what of my brother?
I’ve been thinking about it a lot since last time. Why has it never come up? I've only ever heard about it from my sister, when she found the letter alluding to it. What if she made it up? Worse still, what if SHE never even told me about it? What if this Friends™ thing has all become too much and I imagined it? What if, looking into all these coincidences I’ve gone fully delusional and made one for myself?
One thing I do know, I’m still not ready to ask about it.
“The One Where I Worry I’m Making Things Happen”
It’s been two months for us since Rachel and Ross split but just three weeks for the Friends™. And so, with the dust finally settling, the vultures begin to move in. We get our first look into Gunther’s creepy, Rachel obsessed head (god I hope my brother isn’t like him…) before Mark swoops in and asks Rachel out first.
Maybe Ross had a point all along?
Perhaps I’m a little distracted with the brother thing but I didn’t really enjoy any of this.
Gunther is acting like a tool, Mark is acting like a tool, AND Millionaire Pete, AND Joey, AND Ross. All tools. At least Ross redeems himself in the end by returning Rachel’s favourite T-Shirt. But with this much level of dick-ery I can understand why Chandler spends most of his time playing with himself on a Barcalounger.
Despite being the founder of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Pete is struggling to win Monica over. She leaves him out in the cold, only to find her flat full of Friends™ misusing their spare key. Living at my parents we don’t have this problem now, but Rachel Number Two used to regularly let herself into my house at university.
My wonderful fiancée Janice had the opposite problem the other day when she forgot both her spare key to my parents AND the key to her parents. That must have been a dull afternoon, driving around waiting for people to come home. Still, the weather’s nice.
Janice and I had an interesting discussion the other day about hobbies and self-indulgence. She pointed out that all my hobbies are very self-indulgent: playing music, writing a blog about Friends™ (Yes, it is a hobby!) But I’m not too sure. I can’t speak to the entertainment value of Real Live Friends but at least with playing music it’s a hobby that other people can enjoy you doing.
If you look at it that way it’s a lot LESS self-indulgent than bowling.
Real Live Sitcom Moment:
I spent the bank holiday in the park with Ross Number One a few other Real Live Friends, and a couple of beers before going to see some live music (very self-indulgent of me – doing something only I could get enjoyment out of).
We were watching the support act when the heat suddenly got the better of me and I fainted!
I came round to pounding music and my mate’s giant face shouting my name. Vision blurry, like a TV that’s not tuned in properly, I was dragged up to the first aid room and diagnosed with dehydration.
Fortunately, I recovered in time to see the headline act. Less fortunately, they’re called Sleep, so I now have to live with being the guy who fell asleep at a Sleep concert.
But the weirdest thing is, earlier in the afternoon I thought exactly that. “Wouldn’t it be funny if I fell asleep at a Sleep concert?” AND THEN IT HAPPENED. This is really not putting my worries about my brother to rest. If I can accidentally make myself faint at a Sleep concert, who’s to say my sub-conscious hasn’t made up a half-brother to make my life more like Friends™?!
And what about it going the other way? What if Janice and I have been on a break for two months and I haven’t realised?! Think of all the Xerox™ girls I could have slept with…
Also, I think Ross Number One is a lot more worried about me dying on my Stag Do now.
It’s alright, Ross Number One, the Friends™ survived Ross’s Stag Do so I’ll be fine!