Dad took things pretty well considering.

Despite the shock he doesn’t mind us moving in whilst he’s away. Or in any case he doesn’t want to make us homeless.

He even agreed for us to keep our cats! At least until he gets back.

It’s a huge relief; we’ll be secure at my parents for a few months. I’m just not gonna think about what might happen with the cats when he gets back. (The word poison was mentioned, but I think it’s more likely we’ll have to try and find somewhere to rent again…)

We shall see, but for now it’s time to get in the Christmas/Thanksgiving spirit!

And what’s more Christmassy than sibling rivalries…

“The One With the Christmas Spirits”

It’s the return of GELLAR BOWL™ as the Friends™ take a break from Thanksgiving preparations to play some football. Hopefully it’ll give Chandler something to be thankful for now his relationship is over.

What it actually does is bring up Monica and Ross’s old rivalry. And exposes both Rachel’s uselessness at sport, and Phoebe’s breasts (as she attempts to distract the boys).

It’s nice to see the writers play with Monica and Ross’s sibling rivalry, unlike last year when they seemed to forget they were even related and had her asking Rachel about all the gooey details of their sex life. Also: good on Rachel and Ross for making it to almost a year! Even if he wouldn’t pick her for his Football team… I guess they’ll be together forever now right?

The girls VS boys dynamic will be familiar to anyone who plays games with family at Christmas. My own sibling rivalry has already restarted over the rights to the TV. We haven’t even moved in yet! It’s hard enough deciding what to watch with my fiancé…

Chandler and Joey are having their own rivalry as well over a pretty Dutch spectator, and their desire to get to her no go area.

Being newly single has made Chandler his sarcastic best, just as all the Christmas partying has put me at my sarcastic worst…

But it’s been fun! I think…

In an alcoholic frenzy I’ve been visited by my own Christmas spirits (pun very much intended).

Haunted by the ghost of my Christmas last year, vomiting all night in my Real Live Friends bed, I returned to the scene of the crime and this time managed to last the whole party!

My newly regained honour lasted all of a day, as the snow began to fall. A few days later it was the office Christmas party where I had one too many Christmas spirits and fell asleep on the train!

With no battery, and no information on the boards I started to panic. Where am I? How on earth will I get home? What if I freeze to death?! I’ll never get to laugh at my sister and fiancé fighting over the remote… I’ll never meet my half-brother... Worst of all I’ll never even get my presents!

As if by magic an elderly bearded man appeared.

“Alright mate? Fallen asleep on the train have you? Where do you need to go?”

How did he know… it must be a Christmas miracle!

“Watford… I need to go… to Watford. Save me please…”

“Not a problem! I can take you there for fifty quid.”

We got in the taxi and I was saved by my very own Ghost of Christmas Present. Like a sort of Islamic Santa.

But, as with Scrooge, the most terrifying vision was that of the future.

As I slept I was visited by a final spirit. A vision of my wedding, ruined by a Real Live Friend hosting (dammit Friends™ haunt me no longer…). I ran out the room to comfort my distraught fiancé. But as I got out the room, I found I wasn’t marrying my beloved at all but Cannibal Boss.

I awoke with a start and found my real love beside me. Phew, it was just a nightmare… maybe I should cut back on the Christmas spirits a bit.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As we know, the real reason to get excited at Christmas is now Star Wars!

So Joey Number 1 and I went to watch Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi™ (three/four stars depending on what the next one does).

I say we went to watch. Unfortunately I entrusted him to get the tickets. And fifteen minutes before I found out he’d got them in 3D…

“Are you serious?!” (OK, maybe I overreacted a little…)

“I can’t watch it in 3D… I’m only going to get to watch this ONCE for the FIRST TIME. It has to be the way it was originally intended! I’ve been looking forward to this for AGES.” (OK, I definitely overreacted…)

“Look, if you’ve got such a problem with 3D the onus is on you to let me know… before I buy tickets.” he replied.

“No, the onus is on YOU to check it’s OK before going with the more unusual option. I wear GLASSES. 3D specs make me uncomfortable. This is basically discrimination!!”

And so, in the true spirit of Christmas, I got my own tickets and we went into our separate screens.

And you know what, I don’t regret it. Bah Humbug!

JANICE… HOW COULD YOU?!

Cheating on Chandler and now Joey has to break it to him…

Chandler’s in a complicated situation, Janice was married to Gary after all, and has a kid with him!

Returning to a past love is a little less cut and dry than your bog standard affair. She loves them both. But Joey has to tell him.

And so it is I’ve got my own secret, after finding out my mother didn’t plan on telling my father we are temporarily moving in while he goes on a protracted holiday.

A complicated situation indeed…

 “The One With a Complicated situation”

It seems weird we’ve been living here for almost three years. Longer than Ben has been alive! I’m surprised he’s not even a year and a half – they grow up so, err… slow? I thought he was being a bit unresponsive for his age (perhaps a problem of working with child actors?) but he’s just younger than I thought.

Maybe I’m getting confused because it seems like only yesterday we were moving in here. Full of excitement about spending our first year living together, then moving on to a bigger better place once that first year was over (ho…. ho… ho…)

I suppose I could also be confused because my nephew has now somehow turned five! He’s definitely a lot more with it than Ben. The party was something of a nightmare, as his whole class were invited. Forty kids running around with balls, balloons, and blood sugar levels exceeding safe amounts.

Fortunately, unlike Rachel and Monica, I didn’t have to do anything responsible so could just watch the chaos unfold.

Speaking of just watching… we’re now two for two for jokes about Gunther loving Rachel. Oh Gunther, you big, bleached weirdo.

It’s not a big, bleached weirdo concerning the Friends™, but rather, a big, beached weirdo…

Phoebe is refusing to go to the dentist. Like a few people I know she’s too frightened. I’ve never understood this fear myself; I’m much more scared of losing my teeth! But at least Phoebe has what she thinks is a valid reason… her visits are cursed and this visit has brought the untimely death of Ugly Naked Guy! Makes perfect sense to me.

It seems the further Friends™ goes in its emotional story lines (Chandler and Janice) it always has to balance it with a more extreme over the top story (GIANT POKING DEVICE).

In the end U.N.G. is, thankfully, not dead, and Chandler chooses what’s best for Janice’s child.

All’s well that ends well.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I can’t decide whether what’s going on in my life is like a sitcom, by dint of it being a ridiculous comedy of errors, or NOT because, unlike a sit-com, things never reset back to normal.

And so, just a week after handing in our notice for our flat we’ve lost ANOTHER house after being declined for a mortgage.

I believe it was Oscar Wilde that said “to lose one house may be regarded as misfortune; to lose two looks like carelessness.”

Now I HAVE to tell my dad we’re moving in as it looks like we’ll have to stay a little longer. I’m sure he has no problem with putting us up. But the major problem, and reason we were moving whilst he’s away, is he’s severely allergic to cats.

A complicated situation indeed…

NNNNnnnnnnnnnnnn

NNNNNeEEEEEEEErrrrrrrrrRRRRRRR

NnnnnnnnYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

AEAEAEAEAEEAEAAEAEAEAEEAEAEAEAEA ** CRASH **

Alright, everybody off the time-travelling race car bed.

We’re back in 2017. And thank God it’s almost over!

A year of secrets, heavy drinking amid spiralling political turmoil, and lost dreams.

It’s made it very hard to enjoy what should be one of the happiest times of my life.

And now to cap it all off someone’s gone and stole my identity, leaving me with a huge phone bill!

YES. JUST LIKE MONICA AND MONANA. I get it Friends™ Gods. Oh, very clever! Leave spirits, and haunt me no longer…

At least my identity being stolen explains why I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore…

 “The One Where I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore”

Despite my anger and confusion, the Friends™ continue, blissfully unaware, and unrealistically happy, as they punch each other in the face. It’s a moment of contrived distraction to explain Monica accidentally ending up with a Race Car Bed.

If you ask me he’s lucky she’s with Ross given how awful her father is. It’s incredibly cringey watching Ross try and bond with him over dinner. I’ve been quite lucky in this respect; I’ve always got on with my fiancés parents and never got far enough with anyone else to meet theirs.

Now my fiancé’s got the chance to get a lot closer to my parents. We’ve got some good news at last – I think we’ve sorted a house! We needed change so here it is… but first we’re gonna move in with my parents for a bit. #LivingTheDream

But it’ll be nice having a bit of breathing space to save some money, and finally getting out of this depressing flat!

I can only hope my fiancé doesn’t go the same route as Ross and bond with my parents over criticising me…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With things looking back on track, I’ve applied for life insurance again (*snore snore*).

Thanks to my previous answers regarding my hedonistic past (I suspect), they were a little stricter this time and sent a nurse round to my house for a medical. And to pick up some pee for testing! What a job that must be “Good Morning, I’ve come to collect your pee…”

This meant I couldn’t pee before they arrived. Unfortunately I’d had a few drinks the night before, so awoke an hour early absolutely busting. I was so worried about any awkwardness of not being able to go later on I refused to get up and went back to sleep.
When I finally got up I was in quite a bit of pain, with just fifteen minutes left to go…

“If you need to and it’s hurting, just go…” my fiancé said, probably just so I’d shut up so she could go back to sleep.

This left me frantically making a huge cup of tea as the nurse arrived.

“Good morning, I’ve come to collect your pee!”

“Errm, can I maybe wait half an hour?
…….
Would you like a cup of tea?”