“Janice” here.

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’m still coming to terms with it, but my wonderful fiancé hasn’t come back from his stag do. I was worried sick all week until I got the call from Ross Number One.

The bastard was right. He didn’t make it. And WORST OF ALL he would have said this was all evidence of some burgeoning psychic power. That he’d predicted yet another thing happening to him. Well look where his STUPID Friends OBSESSION lead him. And now he’s gone and left me six weeks before the wedding. I don’t know what to do.

I know he would have wanted me to carry on this stupid project. So I guess, I’ll try, maybe that’ll help me come to terms with things?

Oh look, it’s Ben Stiller! How exciting. Letting his anger get the better of him and having it burst out. Just like my fiancé used to. It’s all tied up neatly when Chandler finds him yelling at the duck.

I SUPPOSE that’s like the argument my fiancé had with his sister before he left? She’s just got a dog which came round and terrified our poor cats. Oh god our poor cats… What am I going to do!

There’s a picture of an avocado in Monica’s kitchen? He would have loved that. Probably made some stupid joke about Friends predicting hipsters…

I just, can’t believe he’s dead.

 “The One Where I Fake My Own Death”

OK, OK. It’s me! Janice and I are fine. She’s safely at work. I’m snuggled with the cats, still smarting over the confrontation with my sister’s dog.

Hopefully you realised my joke there. You really should have, firstly because Janice would never carry on the project in the event of my untimely death (she hates it). But mostly because she DEFINITELY wouldn’t call me wonderful. Especially after pretending I’d died…

The stag was fine in the end. So far as I’m aware no-one even threw up. We did have one person faint, but I think it was just the heat. (I believe that makes him Me Number 3?)

We mostly managed to stay out of trouble, but were briefly chased by the police when the pirate ship we were attempting to learn how to sail got a bit too close to a warship.

It was amazing, lots of drink, stupid costumes, and some of my favourite people. I almost want to call off the wedding so I can have another!

But anyway, we’re here for Friends™ not for me to brag.

There’s an odd throwaway line about Chandlers watch not working. I’ve been wearing a watch that doesn’t work for several months now. Strange. My dad came and stood over me whilst I was watching TV and asked if I’d like my Grandpa’s watch. Unfortunately I’d recently watched Pulp Fiction so I blurted out “as long as it hasn’t been up Christopher Walken’s ass”.

Looks like Friends™ isn’t the only thing influencing my life.

I decided to wear the watch to honour my Grandpa’s memory. I got it in my head that if I fixed it it would cease to be a memento, as I would be wearing it for functional purposes. This annoyed Janice no end as she repeatedly pointed out I could honour the memory of my Grandpa and still know what time it was.

But a part of me felt like the watch had stopped, if not at his death then soon after, and somehow this connected me to the funeral I had missed, which still existed, frozen in time on the other side of the world.

It may sound silly but I think it helped. I’ve now stopped wearing the watch and feel I’ve come to terms with his death, one year on. I think I’m finally ready to take his memorial DVD out of the freezer.

Waiting is a bit of a theme this week, with Phoebe waiting on hold for hours, and the premiere of Joey’s long awaited play (including a short but sweet third appearance from his agent Estelle).

We’ve spent the last month waiting to hear if our THIRD attempt to buy is house is going to go through. At this point any joy we may have felt at the prospect of moving out my parents house has well and truly been sucked from the process. Like Phoebe we’ve spent hours trying to get in contact with the sellers to move things forward only to be stuck in some sort of hellish answer phone limbo.

I was further disappointed by Friends™ not showing us Joey’s play and skipping straight to the fallout. But what a treat it was when they finally had it!

The terrible reviews lead to, a newly single, Kate having a wonderful night with Joey, and a rare example of a character getting super drunk on the show. But tragically, just as Joey thinks he’s finally getting what he wants, she leaves and it’s back to square one.

Hopefully the same doesn’t happen with the house…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Just a couple of little things from the Stag:

Monica Number 2 rode the recent success of the England football team very highly. With a fetching waistcoat making up part of his pirate costume, a drunk guy insisted on buying him numerous Jaegerbombs™ after mistaking him for Gareth Southgate.

Meanwhile Joey Number 1 is contemplating changing his name to a more memorable one. He was greeted by howls of laughter after asking “what do you guys think of the name Hunter?”

Oh Joey Number 1¸ I think it’s a great name… for a dog. I might start calling him Old Yeller.

I still haven’t spoken to my sister. Ok, OK, I will! It’s just I’ve barely seen her. Or, indeed, ANY of my family. Even living with them we can’t seem to end up in the same room together.

A while back I tried to arrange a get together for my birthday and it ended up being just me, Janice and my mum. A top way to celebrate my last birthday before married life…

As my Stag gets closer I’m getting more and more worried about dying. Am I too old for a whole weekend of drinking? Who will survive longest? Me on my stag, or Monica on her Roller Skates?

“The One With Background Boobs”

Janice still hates my pre-wedding midlife crisis hair. Perhaps I should make like Chandler and get my goatee back??

I’ve noticed a weird trend here, every-time Monica goes out with someone with facial hair, Chandler copies them. Is this a joke about Chandler’s insecurity over his masculinity? Or hinting at something more…

Whatever Chandler’s reasons, Monica is finally succumbing to Creepy Pete’s advances. Definitely nothing to do with him buying her a restaurant, and everything to do with him forcefully kissing her minutes after she told him she never wanted to see him again. #Problematic

Unsurprisingly, T.O.W.T.C.A.T.D was written by a man. I did a double take when I saw they were called Chris Brown, but it turns out it’s not that one. Most likely because he was only 8 at the time.

The toxic masculinity continues, with Jennifer Aniston just about managing to sell Rachel finding Ross endearing, even as he decries his “right” to imagine her naked against her will. As someone who’s about to get married I can categorically state that I never ever think about any of my ex’s naked.

But there were copious boobs on display at David the Science Guys weddings. (Unlike at my stag where I’ve enacted a strict “No Strippers” policy #VirtueSignalling). This was largely the result of Ross Number 3 breast feeding. Although I took my top off regularly too. Wouldn’t want her to feel exposed!

I managed to undercut any awkwardness over the breast feeding by pointing out I’d seen her boobs before. To her amusement, but less to her husbands… Turns out all I had to do to make the same point as Ross, but without it being weird, was to not imply that I fantasise about her for sexual gratification. Who’d have thought it!?
 
I’m pretty proud of how well I dealt with sharing a house with a baby. Especially considering I was hung-over for most of the weekend. It’s strange growing up and realising how many times my uncles must have been hung-over during my formative experiences.

It must be pretty daunting, too, being the first couple to bring a baby into the group, but it seemed like the most natural thing in the world having him there. And, unlike in Friends™, everyone was cool with the breastfeeding. It’s hard to imagine Joey being normal around a breastfeeding mother, when he can’t even see Monica fall over onto Rachel without getting a stiffy.

I won several “daddy” points for watching the baby on the sofa whilst Ross Number 3 was getting ready. But all these were lost the night of the wedding, after Ross Number 3 found me and Chandler Number 2 passed out on the very same sofa at two in the morning.

Maybe I’m not quite ready for fatherhood…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I may not be ready, but Chandler and Joey are taking a step towards fatherhood by getting a pet. A chick, and later, a duck.

Once again the show copies my life!

My Mum’s kept chickens for several years now, and the last surviving one (natural causes, not my cats) has just taken advantage of the heat and snuck in the kitchen through an open door.

Watching Chandler coo-ing over his chick reminds me of Janice telling me she caught my dad singing to our cats. God I wish I’d seen that…

He’s having a bit of a rough time lately. I asked if I could have his bike, saying he was too old to use it now anyway, and he ended up spending loads of money on a brand new one with lots of fancy equipment.

Inevitably, I came home from the wedding to find him laid up in a chair with a swollen ankle and scabby knees. On the one hand I feel pretty vindicated, but also a little bad that I essentially bullied my dad into a cycling accident.