Torn To Ribbons

3.9 - “The One Where I Watch The One With The Football”

24/12/2017

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Dad took things pretty well considering.

Despite the shock he doesn’t mind us moving in whilst he’s away. Or in any case he doesn’t want to make us homeless.

He even agreed for us to keep our cats! At least until he gets back.

It’s a huge relief; we’ll be secure at my parents for a few months. I’m just not gonna think about what might happen with the cats when he gets back. (The word poison was mentioned, but I think it’s more likely we’ll have to try and find somewhere to rent again…)

We shall see, but for now it’s time to get in the Christmas/Thanksgiving spirit!

And what’s more Christmassy than sibling rivalries…

“The One With the Christmas Spirits”

It’s the return of GELLAR BOWL™ as the Friends™ take a break from Thanksgiving preparations to play some football. Hopefully it’ll give Chandler something to be thankful for now his relationship is over.

What it actually does is bring up Monica and Ross’s old rivalry. And exposes both Rachel’s uselessness at sport, and Phoebe’s breasts (as she attempts to distract the boys).

It’s nice to see the writers play with Monica and Ross’s sibling rivalry, unlike last year when they seemed to forget they were even related and had her asking Rachel about all the gooey details of their sex life. Also: good on Rachel and Ross for making it to almost a year! Even if he wouldn’t pick her for his Football team… I guess they’ll be together forever now right?

The girls VS boys dynamic will be familiar to anyone who plays games with family at Christmas. My own sibling rivalry has already restarted over the rights to the TV. We haven’t even moved in yet! It’s hard enough deciding what to watch with my fiancé…

Chandler and Joey are having their own rivalry as well over a pretty Dutch spectator, and their desire to get to her no go area.

Being newly single has made Chandler his sarcastic best, just as all the Christmas partying has put me at my sarcastic worst…

But it’s been fun! I think…

In an alcoholic frenzy I’ve been visited by my own Christmas spirits (pun very much intended).

Haunted by the ghost of my Christmas last year, vomiting all night in my Real Live Friends bed, I returned to the scene of the crime and this time managed to last the whole party!

My newly regained honour lasted all of a day, as the snow began to fall. A few days later it was the office Christmas party where I had one too many Christmas spirits and fell asleep on the train!

With no battery, and no information on the boards I started to panic. Where am I? How on earth will I get home? What if I freeze to death?! I’ll never get to laugh at my sister and fiancé fighting over the remote… I’ll never meet my half-brother... Worst of all I’ll never even get my presents!

As if by magic an elderly bearded man appeared.

“Alright mate? Fallen asleep on the train have you? Where do you need to go?”

How did he know… it must be a Christmas miracle!

“Watford… I need to go… to Watford. Save me please…”

“Not a problem! I can take you there for fifty quid.”


We got in the taxi and I was saved by my very own Ghost of Christmas Present. Like a sort of Islamic Santa.

But, as with Scrooge, the most terrifying vision was that of the future.

As I slept I was visited by a final spirit. A vision of my wedding, ruined by a Real Live Friend hosting (dammit Friends™ haunt me no longer…). I ran out the room to comfort my distraught fiancé. But as I got out the room, I found I wasn’t marrying my beloved at all but Cannibal Boss.

I awoke with a start and found my real love beside me. Phew, it was just a nightmare… maybe I should cut back on the Christmas spirits a bit.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As we know, the real reason to get excited at Christmas is now Star Wars!

So Joey Number 1 and I went to watch Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi™ (three/four stars depending on what the next one does).

I say we went to watch. Unfortunately I entrusted him to get the tickets. And fifteen minutes before I found out he’d got them in 3D…

“Are you serious?!” (OK, maybe I overreacted a little…)

“I can’t watch it in 3D… I’m only going to get to watch this ONCE for the FIRST TIME. It has to be the way it was originally intended! I’ve been looking forward to this for AGES.” (OK, I definitely overreacted…)

“Look, if you’ve got such a problem with 3D the onus is on you to let me know… before I buy tickets.” he replied.

“No, the onus is on YOU to check it’s OK before going with the more unusual option. I wear GLASSES. 3D specs make me uncomfortable. This is basically discrimination!!”

And so, in the true spirit of Christmas, I got my own tickets and we went into our separate screens.

And you know what, I don’t regret it. Bah Humbug!
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    One mans quest to watch all of the classic 90s sit-com Friends™ in real time over ten years.

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