Autumn 2014:
I have a goatee and am unaware of my half-brother.

Britain is facing a crisis. Recovering from a recession, it is headed by an unpopular Conservative leader propped up by a smaller party.

It is VERY hot in Australia.

There’s turmoil in the Middle East.

In America, a President with big ideas is hamstrung by lack of government support.

So much has changed in the last three years!

Autumn 1993:

Britain is facing a crisis. Recovering from a recession, it is headed by an unpopular Conservative leader. UK Politics is rocked by sleazy allegations against male MPs. There’s tension over the border in Ireland.

It is VERY hot in Australia.

There’s turmoil in the Middle East.

In America, a popular Clinton presidency is gaining ground after beating a billionaire populist]. Clinton lowers taxes for many, raises them for the richest 1.2 percent, increases checks on gun ownership, and has ambitious plans for healthcare. LGBT rights of military personnel take a step forward. JUST like now (if only…)

Chandler has a goatee, and Phoebe is unaware of her half-brother.

 “The One Where Nothing Ever Changes”

Janice asking the Friends™ who’s slept with who has taken us back. Not to which Real Live Friends I nearly slept with (admittedly, as with the Friends™, there were some near misses, and some not quite misses). But to a simpler time…

A simpler time, when the cinema had overblown CGI infused franchises no one wanted.

Long awaited sequels no-one wanted.

And classics about misunderstood tortured geniuses

A simpler time when I didn’t have a secret half-brother.

A time when Joey thought Chandler was gay (on at least three occasions I’ve got months into a friendship before they realised I wasn’t gay).

Now the show has built up a bit of history we can have a lot of fun here, back in 1993. Jokes laced in dramatic irony are bouncing off us (particularly regarding Ross’s lesbian wife), and there’s room for cameos too as Mr Heckles makes a welcome return (R.I.P).

The episode keeps playing with our expectations about who is going to get with who (the big twist being Phoebe and Ross), and its fun imagining how things could have been, oh, so different.

What if Joey hadn’t been a little too keen with Monica and they’d still been together 2 years ago? Or what if the moment between Chandler and Monica had led to something more… #Spoilers

Or what if I’d met my brother in 2014?

I’ve been trying to work out whether anything really has changed in the last three years.
Judging by Facebook™ the only thing different for me was that I was in a different job and seemed to be a lot angrier about politics. (Oh, and the whole "getting engaged" and "having a secret sibling" things.)

I’m shocked to find so many things that only seem like they happened yesterday. The Shia Le Beouf Song.

The time I fell asleep when we went to see Evita. (Well, me falling asleep during something could be anytime…)

And I’m still livid about things I have no control over!

Terrible Christmas ads…

The unnecessary deaths of badgers…

Childhood heroes killing themselves and leaving us questioning why.

Sure there’s getting engaged. But the only change getting married seems to bring about is we’re spending a lot more time planning a wedding than before.

We were promised hoverboards, dammit. WHERE ARE OUR HOVERBOARDS?!?!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

As the festive season heats up, it becomes increasingly difficult to satisfy everyone.

I almost couldn’t attend Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2s engagement party due to a prior commitment I had to duck out of. And I’ve let down Joey Number 1 as his new housemates have decided to have a party on a day I can’t make.

I imagine in a sitcom I would somehow try and do all these things, no doubt with hilarious consequences. Going through 2014 Facebook™ has made me feel rather melancholy, seeing photos of fun nights out with people I haven’t been able to see for ages. At least these clashes make it clearer who’s most important to me. It’s certainly making getting together the Wedding Guest List easier!

Me Number 2’s wedding has come and gone.

And I can only hope Me Number 1’s wedding (AKA mine) isn’t as bad…

Not for the Bride, Groom and guests, I mean! They all seemed to be having a lovely time, and everything went off without a hitch. Well, there was one hitch… they got hitched, but you know what I mean.

What I MEAN is, I hope mine doesn’t go the same way for me. I managed to beat my high score from the last wedding, this time drunkenly falling asleep at ten thirty. I blame the lack of ham…

I’m sick of being such a disappointment. I think it’s time I took a little break from drinking again. It’ll be good to have a clear head for our house hunting. And with a raft of social engagements lined up it would be excellent to survive past midnight at a few of them.

Speaking of houses… Joey is in a DIY frenzy!

My partners dad (sorry, fiancés…) is a dab hand at DIY, though, a little like Joey, he can be quite the fixer upper. It’s a point of contention between us that I’m not hugely keen on letting him lose on our new house (once we find one…). Much like Monica, I wouldn’t want to end up with a hole in our bathroom floor.

My fiancé observed that it’s strange no one’s ever properly angry about things like having their door cut in two in Friends™. I’m not so sure it’s that unrealistic. Chandler’s pretty angry about almost having his head drilled through!

And I think people can be a lot more forgiving of their property when it’s only being rented. Which brings us onto our Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’ve been reminded of a party back when we were all studying, at Cannibal Bosses flat. We were taking it in turns to attempt to shimmy up a narrow corridor (as you do... I guess one of the million Spiderman™ films had just come out).

When it came to Monica Number 2s turn, who is a slightly larger than your average individual, they managed to get half way up before their foot went through the wall! To this day I’m not sure the landlord ever found the hole, after we ingeniously covered it up with a poster. Perhaps one of us had recently watched The Shawshank Redemption™ too?

“The One Where I’m Phoebe”

What rhymes with Phoebe?

FREEBIE!

Rachel and Ross have finally reached the stage of their relationship where they feel SO trapped they decide to make “Freebie Lists”; of famous people they’re allowed to cheat with. We, of course, did this a few years back. Bloody Friends™ copying us!

My fiancés list included Eddie Redmayne (who I don’t feel particularly threatened by) and the guy who played Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones™ (who I can only hope we never bump into…). I couldn’t remember mine initially. Strangely I seemed to fantasise about famous people a lot more BEFORE my relationship, so had it all ready to go by the time we started dating. I expect at one time it probably included Zooey Deschanel, Amy Adams, and Dudley Moore. (Or is it Demi…)

Nowadays, it’s pretty much just the whole female cast of Game of Thrones™.

And also some of the guys to be fair…

Oh, Jamie…

Now my life has been completely taken over by Friends™ I’d probably add Courtney Cox too. Which is weird given I didn’t fancy Monica at all when I first watched. I’ve had similar “awakenings” while watching other things from my childhood recently: first Princess Leia, and then Sarah Michelle Gellar (the forgotten Gellar sibling…). I’m terrified of re-watching The Lion King™ in case Nala awakens some latent desire for cats.

I’m a little surprised (given my shock status previously as Phoebe Number 1 and Monica Number 1) that my tastes seem most similar to Ross (largely due to Winona Ryder…) but don’t think that’s quite enough for me to also be a Ross.

And there’s another reason for me to stay as Phoebe Number 1.

It’s interesting that Rachel’s list seems to consist of a lot of older men (hello, daddy issues…) I too have always been drawn to older male role models (hello, Jamie Lannister…). I’ve had a succession of close male bromances over the years, for example with Ross Number 1, David the Science Guy, and the now estranged Phoebe Number 2, which all fit in a similar brotherly model. Typically with me taking the role of a younger brother: looking up to the other for advice on how to do things, as a source of comfort in hard times, and letting them take the piss out of me in return.

I always thought this was because I didn’t have a brother. But now I find that, just like Phoebe, I do…

Snooping through my parents drawers, my sister found a letter regarding an elder, illegitimate half-brother, conceived by my father (and presumably a woman…) during the affair I briefly alluded to previously.

I’m pretty shell shocked. Not least by a man who never wanted children ending up with four. I’ve considered bringing it up with my parents, but don’t think I’m quite ready. At this point, I’d much rather have found out I was unknowingly circumcised.