I have passed through my own “metaphorical tunnel” of sadness and am feeling a bit better. The hunt continues! And I’ve got extra time to look, after forgetting the clocks are changing and getting up an hour early…

I suppose, you REALLY know you’re an adult when no-one thinks to remind you about Daylight Saving Time™.

I’m also in a good mood because we’ve just had Me Number 2s hen do. And what a do!
Growing up I never thought I’d get to do a hen do! But the winds of change meant it was a boys AND girls affair.

Take that 90s, with your Barbie’s, and your GI Joes…

 “The One With the Hen Do”

Fittingly, the Friends™ too are dealing with Gender Politics™ as Ross struggles with Bens Barbie, and Monica and Rachel give Chandler the female perspective on his commitment troubles with Janice.

Their advice essentially boils down to “why don’t you do a bit of light stalking? That’s what we’d do…” Understandably this comes off a little less well when it’s gender-swapped…

God, it’s like there’s one rule for women and another for men, ay?

Considering my children aren’t even a twinkle in my eye yet I seem to spend a huge amount of time talking about the issue of gendering children. Would I let my son play with a Barbie? In theory yes, but I’d prefer if they had toys that were less binary altogether. Whether for a girl or a boy, the less impact our hyper-gendered culture has on them, the more chance they have of becoming a well-rounded individual.

If I had my way I’d go so far as to say: No pink. No dresses.

Don’t misunderstand me here; I have no problem with people wearing pink, or men wearing dresses (as anyone who’s seen me dressed as Princess Leia will attest). The problem is the way people treat young children because of their gender. It’s so ingrained in our culture it comes second nature to us. Girls are looking very pretty today; boys are looking big and strong…

Surely for your kid to have a fighting chance it shouldn’t so easy for people to treat them this way so early on? Let them be babies for a while before they’re forced into the roles culture has assigned them!

Ideally, I wouldn’t even want to know the sex, for fear it would influence us in anything we buy before the birth. But I definitely won’t have the guts for that, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s my partner knowing something I don’t…

Sorry, I should say “my fiancée” now shouldn’t I?

I had a nice realisation the other day, that “fiancée” is gender-neutral (at least when it’s spoken…). But that quickly turned sour when I realised the non-specific word for husband or wife is “spouse”. I don’t think my feminist credentials will ever be strong enough to use such an ugly word.

Ultimately that’s what it boils down to, although I am a feminist, and try to fight all injustice I see – I can’t help the niggling feeling that the only way to get true equality is to reject gender entirely.

And if I don’t quite care enough about the cause to reject my own gender, I can hardly force it on another being, can I?

Look at me, talking about marriage and children without any obvious fear of commitment.

Unlike Chandler I really must be through the metaphorical tunnel…

Or at least I certainly don’t have any room for fear of commitment anymore. It’s much too late for that!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Chandler Number 2 did a cracking job with the hen do which, along with copious amounts of alcohol, included an entertaining crash course in life drawing.

I found the act of LITERALLY objectifying the models surprisingly relaxing. The moment
charcoal hit paper they stopped being a sexy naked person, and became a more timeless, well… object. Like the brace of pheasants almost two years back, no longer a living being but a piece of meat, measured and accounted for.

It’s another quirk of our gendered society that we usually talk of objectifying people sexually (mostly women…) but through the act of drawing they became completely de-sexualised.

This isn’t to say they weren’t very attractive people! Ross Number 2 in particular seemed very impressed with the male models, ahem, ‘piece of charcoal’. They went so far as to make several inappropriate Chandler-esque jokes. Hey Ross Number 2 stick to your character please!

The highlight, however, was a rather unexpected discovery by David the Science Guy. After finding the models ‘piece of charcoal’ a little unfamiliar, he took the opportunity of being among friends to ask a few sensitive questions.

After a few graphic details, and one quick trip to the bathroom with one of our Jewish friends, we were all surprised to discover he was completely unaware of his circumcision.

Now that’s a conversation I wouldn’t want to have with my parents…

Well, we’re back.

Crashed back down to Earth quicker than you can say “Ryanair™ landing”.

Back to the mouldy flat, 9-5 grind. There’s nothing like a holiday to throw how much time you spend at work into sharp relief. I wonder how long it is till Chandler quits his job? Oh Friends™ Gods take me away from this place!

And I now have the added problem of having to brutally choose between our Real Live Friends and families to be able to fit everyone in a wedding venue next year.   

I’m back to Friends™ too, of course, which does give some comfort.

It’s weird seeing New York in Friends™ now I’ve actually been there. It feels somehow more real.

Particularly Phoebe confronting her “stalker” in the subway.

Hey! I’ve been to that station! Great air-conditioning…

It's not just the subway that's familiar, as David Arquette™ is the one doing the stalking. Appropriately, just a few months ahead of the release of his, and Courteney Cox’s ‘Scream’.

I do have a little beef with the show for having the trope of giving a stalker a get out of jail free card for being hot. It’s like the Notebook™ all over again!

Perhaps because of the limitations of his character, this is the only appearance of Arquette in Friends™, despite later marrying Courteney and the producers clearly having no problems with a bit of nepotism. I guess he was too busy focusing on his wrestling career.

I’m reliably informed that, as well as this being Arquette’s final appearance, it’s also the final appearance of the subway in the show. It seems weird for such a New York institution to appear so little. With so many guest stars popping up I suppose they had to cut costs somehow!

Being back in London, I really do miss that air conditioning…

For a while now I’ve felt a bit like I was stuck in that “two trains travelling at x speed, when will they crash” maths problem. Feeling as if things are going too well, and something will have to break soon.

But having no idea which area of my life will implode first.

Relationship? We all know how well that’s going. Job? Could be worse, I suppose. House? Oh, the house!

The house always wins...

“The One Where Every Thing is a Cliché”

We’ve lost the house.

It’s your age old story: Boy meets house. Boy loves house. House has underlying structural problem that doesn’t rear its head until months into the process. It’s all a huge waste of time and money.

The only plus side I can see is that at least the longer we’re stuck renting the longer my life is like Friends.™

When I used to say I wanted to experience everything in life, I didn’t mean all the clichés.

My cliché proposal, and cliché losing the house, is matched by Rachel, Ross and Chandler’s conversation on relationships. All these unwritten rules are so heavily worn they seem second nature to me now. Answer “no” to the fat question without looking, hug and roll…

Hug… and roll…

At least things are looking up for Monica! She’s finally making an effort to get over Richard, first, by making lots of jam, then by turning to a sperm bank to get her life back on track..

I respect Monica’s right to have a child but it all seems a bit sudden. I’d have stuck with the jam! Does she even have a full-time job right now? Working at that diner doesn’t seem like a very permanent solution.

Monica and myself aren’t the only ones struggling with jobs after it turns out one of her prospective “donors” is Joey. Well I say struggling with a job… He would be struggling now with his arm in a sling!

(“Fun” fact – this was because he got injured dashing for Chandlers chair in the last episode).

Joey’s left with copious amounts of jam to console himself about the low popularity of his “product”. As well as fantasising over the girl from the Xerox™ place (for the second time in as many weeks. #Foreshadowing).

Ultimately, in a sort of accidental Jam/Good Advice trade, it’s Joey who helps out Monica, painting his beautiful picture of her future with a man names “Hoyt”.

Weirdly Joey Number 1 and I (Monica Number 1) had the opposite conversation this week. When congratulating me for my engagement they said they never thought I’d end up with my fiancé, as I always seemed to like more trashy girls. Thanks a bunch!

Even though I’m sad about the house, there’s something super comforting about this scene. And realising that, in a way, Joey here is responsible for Chandler and Monica ending up together.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I’m not much in the mood for anecdotes, but Chandler Number 2 did giddily share a RLSM with me recently. After moving out of their house with Joey Number 1 (a little more of a permanent separation than in Friends™…) they accidentally recreated the infamous “PIVOT!” scene.

It is nice it’s not just my life that Friends™ is taking over!

She said no! My life is ruined…

Only joking, everything actually went perfectly to plan!

With the possible exception of not doing it on the Staten Island Ferry. (Though not for want of trying…)

I feel I’ve cheated a little here. We’ve been going out long enough I was ninety-nine percent sure she’d say yes. As long as I didn’t do something awful like trick her into thinking I was dead before proposing. Unlike in Friends™, this is the one where everyone was ready.

I think the only person who was surprised was her. Thankfully! Me proposing in New York seemed so obvious, what with the Friends™ connection, and going there being a long held dream for both of us, that she managed to convince herself I would baulk at the thought of being so cliche.

Sometimes it’s good to embrace a little cliché.

It is a bit of a shame so many of my friends knew in advance. Thanks to Rachel Number One, David the Science Guy, and my own loose lips, in the end every man and his dog seemed to know. And her mother.

As a modern 21st Century man I didn’t “ask permission” per se, but my partner always said her mother would want to know. Fortunately she was a good enough liar to cement the surprise by not giving the game away when my partner, sneakily, asked if I’d said anything before we left!

But yes, a shame so many knew, Cannibal Boss helped with the ring shopping in the end so half of work knew too. I got a great deal of pleasure from saying, in every shop we went into, “I want to buy an engagement ring” before adding “not for her”.

Judging from my partner’s reaction, I reckon I’d quite like being proposed to. Hopefully the next time I’m proposed to it’ll be a surprise! Hah, “next time…”

“The One With the Declaration of Co dependence”

It seems fitting that such a momentous moment is matched by one of the all time great episodes.

This, simple story, of the Friends™ getting ready for Ross’s big academic speech, is the 24™ of the show. Occurring in real time, and playing to all the character strengths, but with less terrorists and torture. There’s a highly strung Ross, Monica being neurotic, Rachel being flakey, and Chandler and Joey’s Bromance descending into childish one up-man-ship.

I haven’t been able to find out if T.O.W.N.O.R was shot in one go (answers on a postcard?) but there would have been a lot of quick changes if it was! Particularly for Matt Le Blanc, as he dons the legendary suit of ALL of Chandlers clothes. I wonder if he was as hot as I was? Honestly, sometimes I think the writers are just getting all their ideas from me…

Speaking of style, I love phoebes style of being the only one ready so she can just chill and be sarcastic. That’s normally my strategy when paying in restaurants. Work out how much I need to pay, chuck in the cash, and watch the other’s fight over the rest of the bill. Like Joey and Chandler and their chair. The great idiots.

Weirdly I almost had my own fight over a chair this week. (Two years in these coincidences almost feel like friends in themselves.) We were enjoying the last bit of sun over lunch at work, when a homeless person came over, sat down, and asked to have some of our food. We, of course, gave them some and continued. Until I noticed they’d sat in my chair!

Unlike Chandler and Joey I managed to remain calm in the face of their cheek and let it go. Not to be a snob but I didn’t much fancy wearing all their clothes.

What with our near miss with homelessness, I have a great deal of sympathy for the homeless. Though I don’t give them money, obviously! There’s always that lingering suspicion they’ll only go out and spend it on… arts and crafts.

Perhaps for that joke, I myself should drink some fat in penance…

To be fair I did once do something similar! Many years back, whilst living in a house share with Ross Number One, one of my fellow students got their nose pierced. Unfortunately, this required regular cleaning with salt water. One morning I came into the kitchen, immensely hung-over, gagging for some water and, well, you can probably guess the rest.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

So, just as Ross is nervous about his speech, I had to face my nerves and pop the question. I felt eerily calm in the days coming up to it, and enjoyed the first few days of our holiday hugely. Despite the huge pressure coming upon me. Turning ME to diamond!

The plan had always been, go on a backstage tour of a Broadway theatre and propose at the part we’re on the stage. Simple, unique, and encapsulating our lives and interests in one go! But as the moment approached it started to hit me. How was I going to get a second to say what I wanted to say, just us?

And then my heart sank as we waited outside and I double checked, whilst desperately trying not to give the game away, that everything was going to plan.

“We get to go on the stage right?”

“Oh, I’m afraid not, Sir. They have to do some work on the stage today.”

NOOOOOO!!!!

My dreams slipping away, like Monica as she realises she’s accidentally replaced Richards answer phone message. Think quick, what would the Friends™ do? How was I to know!? None of them have proposed yet… They’re too busy fighting over chairs to contemplate eternal happiness.

And then the day was saved, as another usher came in:

“Actually, they’ve just finished in there so you can go on!”

Well, as they say, the show must go on! And I’m delighted to say it ended with her saying yes. Well, first she said “are you serious?!” which I was relieved sounded excited and not incredulous.

I was less delighted and relieved to find, just as we were finishing the tour, that the theatre was home to a resident ghost. COME ON! As if I managed to propose in a place that was cursed!

If I’d known that I would have picked somewhere much more appropriate, like in Philadelphia when we saw the room where they signed the Declaration of Independence!