ULTIMATE FIGHTING™

Now cunningly rebranded as M.M.A. and a well established sport, no doubt thanks to its Friends™ appearance.

I had a Real Live Friend who did M.M.A.

He’s dead now.

Not really, I think he works in tech? (So not that different to Millionaire Pete!)

But before the match… an absolutely crazy cameo!!

 Billy Crystal AND Robin Williams. It’s “When Harry Met Genie” as Robins’ (Spanish?) character finds out his wife’s been having an affair with her Gynaecologist. Surely that’s grounds to be struck off?

It says something to how deep down the Friends™ rabbit hole I am, that even seeing Robin Williams pop up doesn’t break my suspension of disbelief.

I, too, had a crazy cameo on the way to Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2’s Hen/Stag do. Passing through the train station I walked past, none other than, Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn!

 “The One Where I Fight Someone”

He looked grumpy, not surprising given the ongoing furore over his parties problem with anti-Semitism (not to mention the other parties Islamophobia).

For years people complained about UK political parties not offering a real choice. I don’t think anyone would have guessed when we finally got one it would be between whether you hate Muslims or Jews.

Seeing as both Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 are Jewish, my only option was to challenge Corbyn to a fight to uphold their honour. The Friends™ Gods demanded it!

I jumped on the 69 year olds back, grabbing him by the beard as we tussled past the Caledonian sleeper train. Perhaps inspired by the train, I went to put him in a sleeper hold but was bull-rushed by an absolutely livid Dianne Abbott.

I sparred with both… hitting Corbyn with a hard-right hook, deftly dodging a sneaky knee from Abbott. She tried to get it on target, but gravely miscalculated. And all the while the Friends™ were cheering me on. Phoebe baying for blood.

I awoke on the train to Ramsgate. Dazed and confused, and still on my way to the Hen/Stag Do. I had passed Corbyn on the platform, I was sure of it, but the Friends™ existed only in my dreams. Their desire was clear however, I was going to have to fight someone.

Everyone was jubilant as we arrived and David the Science Guy laid out our plans for the weekend.

I eyed my Real Live Friends with caution. Who would it be? I didn’t fancy my chances against any of them. The bride and groom-to-be were a tempting target. It would teach them for being in such a different position to Rachel and Ross… getting married when Rachel is only just getting jealous about Ross dating again. The nerve of it!

But did I really want to end up in another 2 against 1 situation?

One thing I knew for certain: I would not be fighting Monica Number 2. They’d completely destroy me.

Either Chandler Number 2 or Joey Number 1 seemed my best bet. Both smokers… but Chandlers just got back from a trip to Everest base camp, and Joey’s got in pretty good shape of late (and did I want to take on a guy who recently adopted the name "Hunter"?)

My Real Live Friends began to notice I was acting strangely… I would have to act quickly!

My eyes rested on Me Number 2. Fighting myself did have a certain perverse quality to it. The perfect, narcissistic culmination to the last three years? But would the Friends™ approve of me fighting a woman? Would it be better to kick things off by slapping a dude on the arse like Chandler's boss?

Before I knew it, it was too late. David the Science Guy started the clock on our first activity, a scavenger hunt, and we were away! Charging through the town, with Rachel Number 1 tearing open the envelope with our list of challenges.

Imagine my delight when we got to number 13:

“Wrestle on a beach”

THE FRIENDS™ GODS HAD DELIVERED.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

It hasn’t all been fun and games.

Having only been in the house a few weeks it’s too soon to let the cats out. And yet only one came for their breakfast yesterday. After establishing she was definitely not in the house, Janice noticed the previously locked cat-flap was now open!

The cat somehow managed to unlock it.

I couldn’t believe it, our technology obsessed times have got so bad, we design cat-flaps that can recognise specific cat’s microchips but don’t have cat-proof locking mechanisms on the inside!! We searched the whole day, put up posters, pulling out all the stops.

We got so desperate we ended up spreading litter around the garden and putting half our furniture outside in the hope the smell would help her home. I started pulling all the fluff out the hoover to spread it round, thinking “Oh my God… this is all I have left of her”, when our neighbour poked their head out the window: “errm, everything alright?”  How were they the only person in the area who still didn’t know?

What a way to meet the neighbours…  

After searching for well over 12 hours we finally gave up hope.

And the cat found her way back right before bed. Acting as if NOTHING had happened.

How could she be so selfish?!

She’s even worse than Monica, who breaks up with Pete for not giving up on his dreams. All because she doesn’t want to see him get mercilessly beaten to a pulp. Selfish. You go for it Pete, chase your crazy dream!

Pete may not have learned how to be the Ultimate Fighter, but he's taught me to never give up, no matter the cost. It’s pretty inspirational really, especially with my Wedding round the corner. I may never be Ultimate Fighting Champion either, but if I persevere there is one momentous task I may achieve… finishing this stupid blog!

With that (and the wedding), it’s got me thinking, what have I learned over the last three years?

I’ve learned a lot about the show itself:

• ALL the characters are dicks (with Ross being by far the worse).
• But that is why we love them!
• There's a LOT of gay jokes.
• New York’s laws on unusual pets are very lax.
• There really aren’t that many minority characters considering the setting.
• A lot of the Friends™ problems would be solved by having smart-phones.
• Fatherhood requires very little effort if your ex-wife has married a lesbian.
• They were NOT on a break.
• Most importantly: the show is still fricking hilarious!

And in my own life I’ve made several Friends™ inspired discoveries:

• It’s hard to uncover family secrets when you’re getting married and moving house at the same time (I will talk to my sister I promise!)
• Sometimes the best way to progress in your career is to jump at whatever opportunity is in front of you, rather than actually trying.
• Tragedy and heart-ache are unavoidable, but light moments can be found even at the saddest of times. And we can treasure our lost loved ones whilst still having a laugh.
• No matter how much you love Friends™ you shouldn’t get a tattoo just because the characters did.
• And finally, if you start a stupid blog where you watch Friends™ every two weeks in chronological order, your mental state needs to be solid enough to withstand a barrage of coincidences occurring…

Thanks for following the last three years, here’s to the next seven! (And to my wedding…)

THE WAITING IS FINALLY OVER.

After a year and a half, we are in a house! I can’t quite believe it.

But now, MORE waiting (more Friends™ appropriate waiting) I’ve been on hold even more than Phoebe this week! Our moment of triumph has been tarnished by the bank taking not one but TWO mortgage payments from us. Over a month early!! Why is it so hard for banks to transfer a refund?! MOVING MONEY ABOUT IS YOUR ONLY JOB.

Couldn’t we just have this one thing go smoothly?

My job’s a joke, I’m broke… but at least my love life’s picking up now I’m not in my mum’s house.

“The One Where I Move Out My Parents House for the Third Time”

We’ve begun preparing for our honeymoon. Janice is terrified of needles, and the nurse did a very poor job of comforting her before jabbing her. Every time the nurse said the n-word the blood drained from her face. Needles, I mean, not THE n-word. That would have been cause for a lot more concern than a little needle.

The poor bedside manner was nothing compared to what Ross is going through after finding a strange growth. He’s passed around various doctors (including a rare black supporting character – I can’t even remember the last time the show had a black character) and eventually ends up being “cured” by an over-enthusiastic homeopaths watch.

Ew.

I hate to think about what bits of skin might have collected on my Grandpa’s watch over the years.

Moving on rapidly… Phoebe is dating two different guys. How to decide between a buff fireman and a sensitive kindergarten teacher? I always thought this was a big cultural difference between New York and London – but it fits better now with our liberated, polyamorous, times.

I can’t speak for all my Real Live Friends but I do know that Monica Number Two dated several people at once before his current partner won the “jackpot”. And, of course, Joey routinely dates several people at once. Wait, sorry, Joey isn’t real. This is getting so confusing!

Phoebe has her work cut out for her, after finding there’s more to both her baes than meets the eye. The fireman even keeps a journal! The big loser. I legitimately turned to Janice at this point and asked:

“Would you ever date a guy who writes a journal?”

“Err… you do.”

Oh god… what have I become? And she's not just dating me but living with me as well! And we're getting married! The poor woman.

Fortunately the house is pretty much everything we could have hoped for, given the Brexit™ induced housing crash has yet to materialise. Yet another broken promise from our politicians…

It does seem super small compared to Millionaire Pete’s house. And he’s even got a VIDEO PHONE.

“We should totally get one of those!” I say, excitedly, to Janice.

“We’ve already got one” she replies, gesturing to her smart-phone.

… Yerh, but it’s not built into a wall.

Maybe it’s a little too soon to start bashing holes in walls? And it’s a little too soon for Monica and Pete to get married. She thinks he’s gonna propose and is surprisingly up for it! Oh Monica, it was only weeks ago you were lamenting the lack of a spark. Honestly, you show a woman one videophone and they fall at your feet.

Much to Monica’s disappointment, Mr millionaire isn't proposing, he’s actually planning a new hobby… ULTIMATE FIGHTING. I’ve never done a fight. At least not one that didn’t involve me being punched in the head repeatedly. Perhaps I should take up tai chi?

Monica’s disappointment reminds me of Janice a few Christmases ago. I went to a great deal of effort to construct her a wonderful photo-book telling the story of our relationship. Only for it to be completely undercut by her sister saying “that would have been a great way to propose…”

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We just had a meeting with our wedding photographer.

He’s a bit of a caricature that would do well in a Friends™ guest spot. A blokey bloke with a penchant for dropping casual racism and sexism into the mix. He even managed to blame political correctness for the venue not letting him use a stepladder.

It’s like that old Stewart Lee™ routine:

“Honestly, you can’t even use a step-ladder anymore incase it insults people from broken homes.”

But he’s a good photographer (our guy, not Stewart Lee). Hopefully he doesn’t read this and make us look terrible on the big day.