My finances aren’t doing so well at the moment. Wait, don’t go! I’m not asking for money!

I’m just keeping you up to speed.

It’s put me in the unfortunate position of applying for a paid scientific study on people who drink too much. Ironically, this has resulted in me spending more on drink in the hope I get accepted…

My lack of finances is largely a result of needing to get a new bike. It’s not even that good! The rusty chain means that, although my job is not a joke and I’m not completely broke, I now am literally stuck in second gear.

“The One Where I’m Stuck in Second Gear”

This episode provides another Friends™ style look at death... as we say goodbye to Mr Heckles.

Much like Marcel, I’m surprised to realise that Mr Heckles wasn’t in the show as much as I remember. Perhaps he sticks in my memory because of this excellent episode featuring the Friends™ realisation (and particularly Chandlers) of Heckles’ loneliness at the end of his life.

Not what one might have expected from a light and enduring sitcom about six twenty somethings!

But, as with the Season One episode about the death of nana, it’s the combination of Friends™ light touch and the way the events impact on our central characters that really raises it up.

It’s not all main characters, as the writers manage to cram in two recurring characters including… Mr Treeger! (For those who don’t remember he’s essentially the janitor of their apartment block). Friends™ trivia fans will be delighted(?) to discover Treeger is the very last character to be referenced by name in the series. It’s looks like he’s going to last a lot longer than Mr Heckles, although he’s tied for the same number of appearances (five) so it might be a while before we see him again…

Janice is back too but doesn’t have much to do, other than add to Chandler’s fears of becoming Mr Heckles by revealing she’s married. Presumably the limited appearance was because Maggie Wheeler was actually pregnant at the time.

I’m yet to have a proper ex go this far, although a couple of near misses are now married with children.

But there is one past fling from our extended friend group who’s scheduled to get married next year (as Rachel Number Two is at pains to remind me…) I’m still waiting to see if I get an invite.

I do find seeing these people settling down odder than perhaps I should. Like seeing my own possible alternate futures slowly disappearing. Mostly I’m just grateful I don’t have to go through the experience single like Chandler.

I think the shock of my David the Science Guy getting engaged is still a little fresh. So much of our friendship when we lived together was based on our mutual failures with women. David the Science Guy in particular was regularly mocked for (like Chandler) being too picky.

Too tall… lazy eye… me in drag etc. Nothing was good enough for him!

We also had to contend with noisy neighbours when living together. Only with much more “dogs barking and babies crying”. These were and still are my two least favourite sounds. But one of the strange things about living in a city is how you get used to stuff like that, and happily sleep through it after a few months.

Not so much poor Mr Heckles. He seems to have developed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome over his noisy neighbours. And eventually becomes so dependent on the source of distraction from his loneliness they provide he leaves all his stuff to them…

Who needs to freecycle when you’ve got a lonely (and recently deceased) neighbour?

For Rachel and Monica this throws up issues of ownership. Are they living in a shared apartment? Or is Rachel just renting a room in Monica’s apartment? I wonder whether my Chandler Number 2 is experiencing something similar after moving into Joey Number 1s house?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Appropriately enough, given his status as Mr Heckles Number 1, this week’s RLSM features my dad.

I’m tempted to draw comparison between Chandler’s fear of becoming Heckles and my own concern over simply being a clone of my dad. But mercifully my dad is still with us.

We were driving up to a family wedding. By which I mean one of my cousin’s wedding. Not a wedding between family members. We’re not the nobility.

My father was driving separately ahead; as he was heading off to a golfing trip after, when we received word he’d got a flat tire.

Sure enough we caught up with him, only for my mother to refuse to follow my suggestion we stop and help. I hadn’t realised my family lived by the pirate code of “he who falls behind is left behind…”

Although I do think there was some wisdom in my mother’s statement that “there’s no point us all being late.”

Hey Sweetums!

*Ahem* excuse me, just thought I’d try it out. Even though I’m not, like Chandler, responding to Ross greeting Julie.

I definitely do this joke in real life. I’m not sure how much this comes from being influenced by Friends™ and how much comes from a general desire to sleep with my male Real Live Friends.

I suspect it’s more the former, though my David the Science Guy is quite the hottie. Sadly any subconscious designs on him will now never come to pass…

“The One With the First Real Live Engagement”

Yep, David the Science Guy has decided to secure his partner for life. (Perhaps inspired by last week’s Real Live Sitcom Moment – or more likely Monica Number 2’s separation). Like lobsters holding claws they will march forward together into the future, in what many are calling “a sound financial decision”. Incidentally I am available for best man’s speeches…

According to my partner however, this would mostly consist of me talking about Friends™ and my hair.

“You do talk about those things a lot” I hear you cry. Well, yes, but you are here for Friends™ so let’s not disappoint!

This week’s episode covers workplace rivalries, losing your friends to their partners, and breast-milk.

And I’ve only experienced one of those things recently.

Having said that, I can bet there’s one Real Live Friend who’s tried breast-milk, if Cannibal Boss’s past form is anything to go by. Working with my Real Live Friends I’ve never experienced the macho one-up-man-ship of Joey’s job. Generally I shy away from that sort of thing. Not because I’m better than it (though I am) I just don’t like competing when I can’t win.

I do wonder if my unwillingness to join in such games sometimes makes me miss out on human interaction. I’d love to share a juice with someone over my failings, as Chandler and Joey do in this episodes excellent Wild West spoof. But it would more likely be alcohol for me. It is strange how little the Friends™ drink. But then the scene is funnier with Joey drinking juice instead of a beer…

Also I noticed that Joey actually wins by doing nothing in his final showdown. Predating Luigi by several years.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about trying breast-milk. On paper I find it less weird than drinking cow milk. AND I LOVE COW MILK. But I can imagine feeling a little different if it was placed in my hand… (a bottle of breast-milk, not a breast – I have no problem with that). I’d be fine in a “trying it for scientific reasons” way but the thought of chugging from a bottle with cookies, like Ross does, makes me a little queasy. I have no idea where this new found fear of enjoying things I shouldn’t has come from. Why should my main worry be “what if it’s amazing?” as if I would develop a hunger for breast-milk that could only be satisfied by jumping young mothers in parks.

Getting away with that would be even less likely now as I’ve just had my bike stolen! I’d have to run off into the underbrush, with the world’s seediest milk moustache. I say stolen, but maybe “taken” is a more apt word as I left it unlocked on the way to work when my key broke in the lock. That’ll teach me to use a ten year old Centre Parcs™ lock. I thought it would be fine! Who would have the confidence, in broad daylight, right outside the station, to ride off with a bike with a Centre Parcs™ lock stuck to it? Most people wouldn’t be seen dead being so un-cool. One of my Real Live Friends keeps their valuables in a Justin Bieber bag for this very reason. At least that’s what they tell us...

Sure enough my bike was gone when I got back. I couldn’t even stay mad on the walk home. I was imagining karmic vengeance for the thief (like them being hit by a lorry) and realised they’d probably be fine as they’d stolen the helmet as well! And then felt a grudging respect for the thief for being so safety conscious.

Mostly, I wasn’t angry I was just disappointed. Disappointed at seeing my last vestige of post-Brexit faith in humanity snuffed out. That was when I decided I’d quite like “not angry just disappointed” on my tombstone. I’d find it funny, in a tragic sort of way. Although it might be a bit depressing for other people walking through the cemetery. Especially if they didn’t think I chose it and it was just the work of a vengeful child: “HE ALWAYS USED TO SAY THAT TO ME!”

Not even my own son, just a random child with a chisel lashing out at the world in anger. Probably after having THEIR bike stolen. The cycle continues…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

We’ve had little reason to worry about Monica Number 2s feelings as they’ve jumped back into dating with all the enthusiasm of a New Yorker, and brought a new squeeze to a recent gathering. I was surprised, however, when I met the new squeeze, only to find them suspiciously similar to Monica’s ex… which is almost worthy of a whole episodes plot in itself.