Torn To Ribbons
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2.20 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Old Yeller Dies”

29/6/2017

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I am definitely Crazy Eddie.

Or at least feel like it, as I sit here watching my flatmates sleep. I mean… Ok they are cats.

But what are we to do?

Just like Crazy Eddie the threat of impending homelessness now hangs over our heads!

Our landlord came round the other day. Announcing his intention to build TWO more flats in our garden. And to split our ALREADY TINY living room in two for an access corridor. This has put paid to any hopes of me stopping drinking again. My own uncertainty now mirrors that of the rest of the country in our post-election haze.

You’d think I’d have more empathy with the slugs here, given they’re essentially homeless snails.

How will they cope with being DOUBLY homeless?
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“The One With the Polish Wedding”

At least I can rely on my friends. Both Real and televisual.

I’ve been seeing quite a lot of them lately. My best mate and I went to watch Jousting a week back (4 Stars). It was essentially a toned down family event, but mighty impressive seeing them charge at each other in the sweltering heat! I can’t imagine the Friends™ doing that. Well maybe Ross would be into historical re-enactment…

We also went to a wedding in Poland. As you’d expect a suitably vodka infused affair. Apparently my partner took me to bed after finding me at 1am, sat by myself at a table in the corner, eating ham.

Just like baby Ben, I seemed to have no ability to speak by that point. I wish I had spoken to more people in general. I often find now you only end up speaking to people you already know on nights out. It’s been said before (though not by me, I can’t seem to find where) that the Friends™ are hugely insular and co-dependent. It’s even suggested this is part of the reason they live in perpetual single-dom.

The show itself points this out several times. Chandler and Joey refuse to even contemplate seeing Richard as a friend. And that’s not even mentioning poor Julie…

This holds weight in my Real Live Friend group too. It can be daunting for new partners to work their way in. Although we largely failed to break out of our group at the wedding, it offered a welcome opportunity for my partner to spend more quality time with my Real Live Friends. Thankfully no one excluded her and we all left bonded closer than ever! (In one case, literally bonded by law).

Love is a beautiful thing. Whether the love of friendship, matrimony, or new love – as Rachel and Ross declare their love of each other for the first time. This fits nicely with the plot of Bens first word. I’m not sure I would count “Hi”, much like Gunthers “Yeah”, it doesn’t seem right. Given that my own first word was “Moo” I suppose I’ll have to allow it.

There’s an extra layer of amusement with Ross’s talk of babies as he imagines “Emily” as his first child with Rachel. Pretty awkward given a certain wedding yet to come… (#Spoilers?)

It is very sweet though, given that they do eventually end up having a daughter called Emma.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

The wedding wasn’t all plane sailing (pun intended). Two of my Real Live Friends managed to get the wrong day for their flight!

The couple, fortunately, made it in the end. Just in time for one of them to catch the bouquet! From the look of the guy I suspect he would have preferred to have caught the plane.

Just like Rachel I think he was a little freaked out seeing his future suddenly laid out ahead of him.

And for that I dub him officially “Rachel Number 2”. Which is a little strange when you consider he’s about 7 feet tall…
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2.19 - “The One Where I Watch The One Where Eddie Wont Go”

4/6/2017

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The sit-com of life continues.

After painstakingly organising my birthday gathering in a pub, it was cancelled at the last minute. An unfortunate side effect of booking it for two days after the FA cup final... And just as I was finally coming round to the idea of not hating Football.

WHAT KIND OF PUB RUNS OUT OF BEER?!

I can’t imagine Central Perk ever running out of covfefe…

 “The One Where My Birthday Gets Cancelled”

It wasn’t the end of the world, as some of us managed to go out last night instead, with the exception of my David the Science Guy. He gave quite possibly the worst excuse of all time “I’m doing some DIY and it’s overrun”. He could have had the good grace to say he had to go work in Minsk.

It’s fair enough, I suppose; house work must be done. Otherwise you end up like my other Real Live Friends, who’ve been living in a house with no kitchen for ten months! Which could almost be a sit-com in itself.

Alas no such events in Friends™. It really is doing a terrible job of matching my life at the moment.

Despite this, I am grateful my partner hasn’t got a book telling her I’m “stealing her wind”. I’d be livid if I showed up for a cinema date, only for her to garble some nonsense about a book then tell me she needed some time to herself and cancelled. I’m surprised Ross takes it so well, I can’t imagine it going down like that if it was the other way round…

But at least it means Ross gets to spend some quality time with Joey, who is struggling to afford his lifestyle, now he is no longer Dr Drake Ramoray.

You really feel sorry for Joey as he comes to term with his fading star. But this does give us two good things, another visit to Estelle and Gunthers first proper line!
(Officially he did say “Yeah” in the first episode he was named in but I’m not going to count that).

It’s super sweet seeing Ross help Joey out with his money troubles. What a great Friend! (Unlike SOME people).

Missing Real Live Friends aside, I should just be glad I don’t have a Crazy Eddie in my life. He descends fully into insanity in this, the final part of his storyline. As with Joey’s storyline, the Friends’ misery is our gain.

It’s impossible not to laugh as he watches Chandler sleep, stuffs a goldfish in his pocket, and then forgets Chandler kicked him out. Fortunately, I’m allowed to watch my flatmate sleep. (On account of of us sleeping together.)

By the end I felt kind of sorry for Crazy Eddie. Still Chandler and Joey’s joy at being reunited makes it seem fine they just tricked an insane person into homelessness.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Following my last minute celebrations last night I woke up to find an unexplained mass of salt all over the kitchen.

I asked my partner why there’s salt everywhere and she patiently explained: I spread it all over in an irritated drunken stupor when we came home to countless slugs on the side.

Oh God. Maybe I’m Crazy Eddie…
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    One mans quest to watch all of the classic 90s sit-com Friends™ in real time over ten years.

    Mostly updated every other Sunday.

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