I think I hate dogs.

Not the most pleasant realisation (I care a great deal for animals), but I do, I think I hate dogs.

I’ve always been pretty ambivalent to them. We had a lot of love for our family dog but were hardly the most “doggy” family. Growing up in the age of the screen we often gave him the minimum required attention.

Mostly, I just really hate barking. Maybe because I’m hung-over so often… but it really splits my skull.

And makes me jump if it’s a surprise.

“The One Where I’m A Small Man in a Box”

Everything has changed in the world of Friends™. Monica and Richard are loved up. Rachel and Ross are loved up. The Gellar parents are loved up (EW).

And so we get the wonderful comedy of errors that is Monica’s dad’s birthday party. With Monica struggling to tell her parents of her new relationship status. “It’s Complicated” doesn’t quite do it justice.

But at least we are entertained… Unlike Monica, who is comically forced (once again) to see a little too much of her parents relationship as she and Richard attempt to maintain their secret.

The only couple not having a good time are Chandler and Joey. Joey’s success on Days of Our Lives™ gives him the opportunity to get his own place, much to Chandler’s dismay. When I saw the title I thought there’d be a lot more of the “HA HA THEY’RE LIKE A COUPLE” jokes in this episode. But actually it’s pitched perfectly.

Joey: “I’m 28 years old and I’ve never lived alone”

With Joeys desire to live alone for the first time, Chandler’s annoyance at Joeys habits, and their underlying feeling of loss, this episode delves deep into the two characters. The two Matts do a great job of selling the Bromance, and the complexity of communal living. It’s hard not to be sad and think back on all the housemates I’ve had.

I too (as I approach twenty eight) have never lived alone. There was nothing I wanted more after university. The allure of 100% independence was strong. And yet by the time I was, finally, financially able to move back out of my parents I had a new partner to live with. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for us to split as Chandler and Joey do. It certainly couldn’t be fixed by a game of foosball.

Once again my Real Live Friends are out of sync with Friends™. I wish they’d get a better handle on their lives! Just as Joey moves out my Rachel Number One and Ross Number Two have gone and got their own place! Useless.

I found it weird seeing all the Friends™ helping Joey move out. Apart from maybe when I’ve moved house with other people, I don’t think I’ve ever helped any of my Real Live Friends move. I suppose it’s the difference between moving alone and moving as part of a couple. My Real Live Friends getting their own places don’t need my help as they have their partners. Not that I’m complaining, I don’t have to do any of the heavy lifting but still get the housewarming party? Sounds great!

Mortgages are a big commitment and another lifelong commitment I haven’t taken the plunge with yet is a tattoo.

I have nothing against tattoos in principle. I could just never settle on one I wanted. I’ve had many ideas, some good some bad: a wrist watch, a Legend of Zelda™ heart for everyone I’ve ever loved, a wedding ring (it's cheaper). OK, mostly bad. Perhaps it’s for the best…

The only tattoos I don’t like are those that people just got for the sake of it, with no story or meaning behind it. I can almost see Ross’s point in not wanting Rachel to get one, seeing as she just gets a crappy little heart. My partner’s got a tattoo, which is super weird given she’s terrified of needles. But I wouldn’t have dreamt of suggesting she not get one, as Ross does.

It all turns out fine in the end, of course, with Ross being rather taken by Rachel’s tattoo.

There you go, if you’ve got a domineering boyfriend who doesn’t want you to get a tattoo just get it above your arse and he’ll think it’s sexy.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Dogs. Why’d it have to be dogs…

This has been a bit of an unusual RLF. Written from the perspective of a man trapped in a box.

I went round to my parents to use their hyper-fast broadband, only to find my mother has “accidentally” adopted another dog… This time taken off our “allergic” aunts hands.

Unfortunately, it’s not the friendliest beast. And I’ve spent the last hour trapped in the study with it barking at the door. Hopefully my mother will be back soon…

Tom Selleck.

Phwoar.

A man so suave he can make Hawaiian shirts AND a moustache look cool.

A man fancied by mothers and daughters alike (according to my partner…)

You really need someone of his calibre to pull off the slightly weird storyline of Richard and Monica. But, boy, does it work!

Right from the off, there’s a wonderful chemistry between Courtney Cox and everyone’s favourite G-DILF.

I wish I had a hot older man in my life…

“The One Where I Fall Out of the Loop”

Monica isn’t the only one getting lucky now, as we pick up right where we left off. A newly smitten Rachel and Ross. Why is it that we always say “Ross and Rachel”? Even in the title of this episode… surely it should be alphabetical?

Even though my Real Live Friends have loads of couples that started as friends (Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2, Cannibal Boss and Other Boss, Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2) I don’t think any of them were ever as visibly affectionate at the start as Rachel and Ross. Maybe we’re all just repressed Brits? Or maybe it’s because a lot of the hook ups started more privately? More like Monica and Chandler’s later relationship? I don’t know, but I certainly would have noticed if any of them had started smooching when I was trying to watch TV.

Or maybe not, given my recent skills of observation. I’m sad to report that Joey Number 1 and Chandler Number 2 have called it a day. Six weeks ago. Why does no-one tell me anything? I’m tremendously sad about the whole thing. There was something very neat about two of the last single people getting together. Honestly, it’s like they only care about themselves…

I’m also pretty annoyed about how long it’s taken me to find out. A timely reminder that I should be making more of an effort to see my Real Live Friends. That is after all part of the point of this silly project! It makes me feel doubly sad being reminded of what a crap friend I can be, for something like this to have passed by without me knowing. I just hope they’re not too upset, and can be happy knowing that, like their Friends™ characters, they’re better off as flatmates.

With Rachel and Ross getting together but Chandler Number 2 and Joey Number 1 splitting it looks like Friends™ and real life have got pretty out of sync here. Unless they’ve secretly got back together, in which case I’d definitely have to change them to Rachel and Ross Number 3. I’ll probably find out six months from now…

Speaking of Ross and the number 3, congrats to him on finally sealing the deal with Rachel and adding another “notch to his bed post”! And in a museum no less. I used to work in a museum too. Wish I’d managed to do it in there…

I’m definitely seeing more similarities with me and Ross as the series goes on. Not just in the museum job. (Wait, not that type of job…)

With my long-term crush on my current partner I can relate to his frustrated “this is a thing I’ve been wanting since 9th grade”, although mercifully the first time we got together there wasn’t any laughter. Although I did follow it up with “wow, twelve years gone in twelve seconds…”

This wasn’t the first time I made a lame joke after sex. Weirdly that was with my own third sexual partner, ten years ahead of Ross. We sadly aren’t in contact anymore, but they were a good friend for many years, and, with hindsight I suppose, one of the other potential lobsters I spoke about last time.

After we got together I revealed it was only the fifth time I’d had sex. She asked me how it was. My reply: “easily in the top five.”

Perhaps I’m still Chandler after all…

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

A Real Live Friend at work just went on a long holiday to America. Where they, no doubt, hoped their charming British accent would be a hit with the ladies, a la Kris Marshall in Love, Actually™.

They came back having had no such success, after spending a whole evening speaking with some beautiful young women only to find they were wearing purity rings.

Maybe it’s because I’ve spent a whole week drinking again, thanks to a combination of St Patricks day and family parties, but I’m feeling pretty good right now.

And just as Friends™ is hitting a run of classic episodes!

My spirits have also been lifted by finding out what Marcel’s been up to since Friends™

And by having a bit more time to spend with my partner again. (Cons: getting into trouble for out of context sharing the Everyday Sexism Project on her Facebook™ wall. Pros: Obvious)

But this has meant I’ve had very little time for my Real Live Friends...

 “The One Where Blood is Thicker Than Water”

I just found out the phrase “blood is thicker than water” had the opposite meaning originally. The full phrase was “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Meaning bonds of friendship that have been fought for are stronger than those forced upon us.

I suppose it’s another way of saying “you can choose your friends but not your family.” Or as I used to say “you can’t choose your family, and most of your new friendships are determined by whoever your friends choose.”

Not quite as snappy that…

But that blood things interesting, isn’t it? No? I seem to have found a new appreciation for “dad facts” recently. It’s all part of getting older I suppose… That little fear of becoming less interesting. I am getting a little worried about the number of “dad” things coming out of my mouth. The other day we were cleaning out a garage and I picked up a piece of wood and said “there’s just something very satisfying about a good piece of wood.”

HOW DID I END UP LIKE THIS?

Not once, but TWICE, I was about to make a crap joke at one of our family dos, only for my dad to say the exact same thing…

He’s had an interesting few weeks too. When we went out for St Patricks Day (we’re not Irish so, no, I don’t really know why either) there was a drunken woman who kept forcing him to dance against his will. Hopefully his disapproval hints at no risk of my parents splitting like Rachels. Their split is finally confirmed in this episode which, just like my week, is very family centric. The Gellar parents make a return, delivering some home videos, and skilfully managing to avoid lending Monica any money.

These home videos contain a, now iconic, prom video as well as a rather grim Gellar sex tape.

I found this quite a risque joke for Friends™, although it’s quite an awkardly sexy episode in general thanks to yet ANOTHER classic scene: Monica’s horrendous interview for a pervy restauranteur. I’ve never knowingly made a sex tape. I do have one Real Live Friend who has, but I suspect they’d kill me for revealing. Even in this anonymous environment.

I can tell you it isn’t Rachel Number 1, but they win points for matching up to Friends™ too as they once gave me a friendship bracelet. Thankfully not as gaudy as the one Joey gets Chandler. And I’m much happier to call Rachel Number 1 my “bracelet buddy”! (How have they managed to cram so many classic moments into one episode?!)

Despite my worries of becoming more “dad” I should be grateful I’m not going prematurely grey, as one of my cousins is. I thought it looked quite cool though. And, despite not quite having my finger on the pulse, I’ve heard that dyed grey hair is in fashion now? That’s one way fashion isn’t just repeating the 90s!

I suspect they’re going to dye it, despite me trying to convince them to fight the patriarchy and stay natural. I can hardly talk, as I’ve run through most of the spectrum with my hair over the years (including my recent forays into “Iced Chocolate”.)

Appropriately enough, at my prom I had bleached blonde hair (inspired by Buffy the Vampire Slayer™, another classic 90s TV show). The prom video does a great job of capturing those awkward late teenage years, with the pre-nose job Rachel, a first glimpse of fat Monica, and Ross’s bizarre “Lionel Richie” look.

At that time, perhaps inspired by Friends™, I thought I’d found my own “lobster”. Although, to be fair, I'd already gone through quite a few. (Strangely, including my current partner… she must be the real lobster after all.) Looking back now it’s hard to justify that sort of wilful self-confidence you’ll end up with someone. And the scene where Ross attempts to explain the “lobster” thing to Rachel is the most cringey thing I’ve seen in a long time. Unsurprisingly leading to one of the most emphatic rejections I’ve ever seen:

“We are never going to happen. Accept that.”

And yet, the prom video changes all that, as Ross stands at the top of the stairs ready to save Rachels prom. “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

It seems a bit of a flimsy reason to get back together but you can’t deny the sweetness of it all.

Still, is it any wonder young boys just don’t get the hint sometimes?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

I recently got to say a phrase I’ve always wanted to say: “I’ve got to go see a man about a piano.” It’s funny how you never realise you want to say things like that until you get the opportunity. Oh wait, is that ANOTHER dad phrase?! God dammit…

Anyway, my attempts to get a hold of a free piano turned out to be fruitless, as it was too big for my car. I only wish we’d measured it BEFORE hefting the thing all the way out the house.

At least it recreated the Friends™ “PIVOT” moment!