Unlike in Friends™: Christmas has now passed… along with a plethora of celebrities – as the whirlwind of death that is 2016 draws to close. What an awful year.

But Santa isn’t the only one who’s been making a list…

“The One Where Christmas is a Bit Too Much”

This week the Friends™ are dealing with the aftermath of Ross and Rachels first kiss. It’s no surprise how quickly it spreads in such a tight nit group. I can’t help but feel sorry for Julie as she’s left out the loop.

Perhaps the writers intentionally kept the focus off her to keep the audience on Rachel and Ross’s side? But it really hasn’t helped the shows problem with characters from minority ethnicities. It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with this topic but I think it’s worth noting at this point that it’s not just black characters the show is under-representing. With Julie already on the way out it seems her ethnicity only served to add the joke last season where Rachel assumed she didn’t speak English.

Elsewhere, Monica (still unemployed) is forced to make a disgusting Chocolate substitute. Once she’s stopped “awwing” over all the gruesome details of Rachel’s kiss with her brother that is. Ew Monica. Ew! It sometimes seems like the writer’s took the title of the show too literally and forgot that Monica and Ross were actually related.

This B-plot does give us some welcome comedic respite in the face of the more serious romantic plot. Helped along by a reliably excellent turn from Michael McKeen (of Spinal Tap fame).

Although set before Christmas, I’m not the only one getting new shiny things (mostly underwear – covering those lost after we didn’t get the new house). Chandler has got a computer! It boasts an impressive 500 megabyte hard drive and 12 megabytes of RAM. To put this in perspective, the phone in my pocket has 32 times the storage space and a RAM of over 166 times Chandlers! How things have changed… still, I wouldn’t worry Chandler, it’s what you do with it that counts.

Speaking of storage space, I’ve just noticed the Friends™ must have absolutely massive closets. They seem to wear different clothes every single episode. Amazing what you can do style-wise, once you have a TV studios worth of wardrobe available.

Anyway, it’s crunch time, Ross has to choose – his wonderfully under characterised current partner or the stylish Rachel. So he does what any sensible man would do – and makes a list. Despite its lack of focus on Julie, this episode deals well with cultural differences. But it’s the “cultural difference” between men and women that’s explored, both in the opening scene depicting the differing reactions to the kiss and in the characters attitudes to the list.

Even now in our more enlightened “post-feminist” era my partner and I took opposing sides. I see no problem with looking at pros and cons in a situation like this, whereas she was bemoaning Ross’s betrayal before the episode even started.

The moment the list is suggested it’s obvious what’s going to happen. And sure enough Chandler has bought a brand new printer to go with his state of the art computer!

I understand how it would be hard for Rachel to see such a list after things have finally happened with her and Ross. But her reaction betrays a deep insecurity at best, and a worrying lack of self-awareness at worse. Given her preposterous lack of awareness over Ross’s feelings in the first season maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised? Perhaps Ross should have added those to the list.

Try as I might I just can’t relate, even with her beautifully written exclamation to Ross:

 “Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?”

If my partner DIDN’T see my negative traits I’d be inclined to worry for their mental health. After all, isn’t one of the main benefits of a relationship spurring each other on to be your best? How can you do this without a realistic view of both your own and your partners’ flaws?

And as for the last part, how else are you supposed to decide whether to be with someone or not?!

Having said that, I do hope my partner isn’t in too much of a rush to write and print out my cons…

“Number 1: Lack of empathy for fictional characters.”

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

What is Christmas without parties? I’ve had my fair share this year.

The biggest one was disappointingly cut short following a surprise vomiting bug. I say cut short, due to my lack of proximity to the city centre, I was forced to stay at the party, as it rapidly became clear my sickness was not the result of an excess of alcohol.

What followed was one of the most surreal party experiences of my life, as I periodically awoke in my mates’ bed and threw-up in a bucket to the sounds of the party at whichever state it was in. Repeat. Ad Nauseum. Serve at a temperature swinging uncomfortabely between forty degrees and freezing. And there you have it, the recipe for time travelling through a party.

From happy dancing, through loud political chat, straight to the clean up. Rubbish.

“CHRISTMAS AHHH! Get the presents! Get the tree! No, not that one! The other one, this one’s too small… where are our decorations? OH CHRIST WHERE ARE THE DECORATIONS? Nevermind, we’ll just borrow our parents. Get in the car. But we spent ages picking them out last year! No we didn't, we just went to Poundland...”

Still, they felt special. Our first Christmas in our own flat (well, rented…), we’d picked our very own decorations.

The first of many, of course, we’d add to them each year. But they’re lost already, and we’re only on year two! Like a ghost disappearing into the ether… The decorations of Christmases past.

“The One Where We’ve Lost Our Christmas Decorations”

There are blissfully few Friends™ coincidences this week as an unemployed Monica helps an overweight Chandler get fit and Rachel ruins Ross’s relationship with a drunk call.

I found the comments on Chandlers weight a little awkward given Matthew Perry’s fluctuating weight over the series. But I can’t relate to his need to lose weight. Generally I try and do as little exercise as possible. Especially since starting my new job which forces me to be a lot more active.

Perhaps I should worry though; I put on a stone during my five years at university and another in the two years after. I haven’t weighed myself for a while but if that trend has continued I’m growing at an exponential rate!

Speaking of things growing at an exponential rate, Ross and Julie’s love is certainly growing as they’re getting a cat! It seems a bit soon for such a big joint responsibility. Although I suppose he does already have a child…

This spurs on Rachel’s drunken revelation after an awkward date with a divorcee. She certainly seems to have a thing for divorcees. Also WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIVORCEES IN THIS SHOW? I don’t know a single one!

To be fair, I can completely relate to Rachel’s drunken message. I used to be absolutely chronic for sending embarrassing texts and Facebook™ messages late at night.

It all leads to everything coming out. And Ross and Rachel finally reveal their hidden feelings for each other!

I imagine this is a bit how it happened with Joey Number One and Chandler Number Two. Only with less third parties and emotional turmoil. Incidentally, David Schwimmer really does a great job of portraying Ross’s emotional state. Torn between the love he’s nurtured since school and the one that’s a better fit on paper.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

For all my Grinch-y-ness I’m a little sad about not being able to find our decorations. The Ghost of Christmas yet to come is looming hard. (Even harder than my need to finally get round to buying presents…)

This is because we’ve finally taken the plunge and… started looking for a house of our own. The tumultuous hell of burning half our wages on rent is soon to end. But I promise I wont forget those of you left in the final frozen circle that is London’s rental market in the early 21st Century!

Just don’t ask to sleep on my couch. I mean, you’re welcome too! It’s just we’ll likely have to move even further from the city. All I can do is pray we don’t end up in Luton.

In our desperation to find somewhere nearby we completely jumped the gun and looked round our first place. A (recently deceased) old mans house complete with abandoned belongings and jars of pickle still in the cupboard. Never mind that we didn’t even have a mortgage approved, there we were looking round like the beggars going through Mr Scrooge’s stuff.

Or more appropriately, like the Friends™ going through Mr Heckles’ flat.

Only to be disappointed after finding:

1. You can’t buy a house at auction if you haven’t got a mortgage yet (or at least it’s not a great idea)
   
2. It’s REALLY not a great idea to buy a house with a tree growing under it.
   

It’s a shame really as it was a lovely place, and I was very excited about all the free underpants.

I did feel a little like Chandler as we looked round. The sparse collection of things, with odd little trinkets of a life well-lived, reflected my Spartan tastes (and similar taste in food). I could see myself leaving behind an unkempt garden with a custom built animal cage for a long forgotten pet.

All this painted quite a sad picture of a man at the end of his life. I wonder if he was satisfied? Or if he felt alone as death crept in? With no-one to leave his home and worldly possessions to.

Hopefully I wont end up quite so alone.