The rush continues.

This house is too run down, this one is too far out, this one’s got a tree growing under it...

There was one really nice one. A beautiful, Grade II listed cottage in a lovely location. Even with a built in stair lift! (The agent informed me it would be removed before sale, but as far as I’m concerned a stair lift’s a selling point.)

It was completely us. But my heart sank as we made a tester journey to the station. I just know I’d be miserable spending three hours a day commuting. I’d like to stick with two, thank you very much.

It broke my heart to let my partner down in her giddy excitement. Her more local job renders her immune to the problem of being priced out of London.

I’m sure we’ll find somewhere!

 “The One Where Rachel and Ross get engaged (no not those ones)”

Even if my life isn’t necessarily matching up with Friends™ the lives of my Real Life Friends are syncing up nicely. Rachel Number 1 and Ross Number 2 have just bought a house. It’s like we’re all in some sort of giant game of mortgage dominoes.

They also used the opportunity of their house-warming to announce their engagement. (OK, so maybe we’re not all completely in sync.) They’re certainly beating Rachel and Ross themselves, by several years, so good on them!

At least Rachel and Ross have each other. Chandler and Joey are struggling over their “life failures” (with women and jobs respectively) and Phoebe too remains single. But it does help drive the plot lines. We have Chandler getting Joey a job (because after all, the only transferable skill you need for a job is being able to lie…) and an old flame of Phoebe returning.

No, not David the Science Guy, SUBMARINE GUY. Played by the blood of the tiger himself: Charlie Sheen. #Winning.

Maybe it’s because, when I first watched Friends™, I didn’t know who Sheen was but I can’t remember this character at all. Compared to previous guest characters his performance is rather lacklustre and forgettable. It seems the writer’s felt this too as he never comes back.

Even though him and Phoebe supposedly hook up every two years on his shore leave.

It could also be because a lot of his scenes are just plain weird. There’s a strange repeated joke of them not being able to keep their hands off each – because of their chicken pox. Perhaps it’s just me finding the juxtaposition of sex scene and infectious illness uncomfortable?

The whole episode feels quite silly really. Appropriately, it whizzes through the two weeks of Sheen’s shore leave - just like how my own life feels at the moment. But it’s almost like they got to the end of season 2 and just picked the scraps of their last few ideas before the season finale.

There’s also almost no Rachel or Ross at all. Although we do eventually have the pay-off of Ross dressing as a naval officer and sweeping Rachel off her feet. He looks more dapper than Sheen, if I may say so.

The main redeeming feature of the episode is Monica. Probably, for me, because her story deals more with relationships. (And I am, of course, still Monica Number 1). The pre-credits sequence has a lovely moment between her and Chandler. The classic scene of them licking things to claim them as their own:

It’s another one of those little moments which, in retrospect, hint at their relationship to come.

The scenes between her and Richard are no less sweet, as they get to know each other better. Surprisingly these confirm my position as a Monica. I’ve tried the trick of setting my clocks fast to stop me being late for everything too! And can also be pretty anal over the duvet covering the bed in the correct way. Although, in my case, it’s so the cats don’t get half the garden on our sheets.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This has to be Ross Number 2’s proposal. The poor guy was just getting ready to go down on one knee, only for a bird with perfect aim to shit on him.

The only way it could be more perfect was if it had been a chicken.

BOOM.

What do you think?

The Friends™ gods demanded it and I obeyed.

I have to say I’m pretty happy with it, although it needs a little bit of work to finish the crocodiles head. For those who aren’t keyed up on niche Disney™ references it’s from their adaptation of Alice of Wonderland™.

Special thanks to Chris Done Tattoos who I think you’ll agree did an excellent job of recreating the scene on my pallid, flabby skin.

I went with Cannibal Boss to get it done, bravely going first and risking her pulling a Phoebe. But she went through with it too after I showed no pain. BUT MY GOD DID IT HURT. TWO FREAKING HOURS!!

Despite the pain of being continually stabbed, for the length of your average movie, it was quite relaxing. It was nice being able to lie on a sofa for a bit without having my partners legs on me.

My main problem was around the etiquette of whether it's OK to fart through-out the procedure. I mean, at any point during the procedure, not constantly through-out it. I’m not a monster. Cannibal Boss was impressed I put up with the pain but mostly I’m impressed I managed to only fart twice in two hours.

We were paying by the hour so I wanted as few breaks as possible…

“The One Where I’m House Hunting”

Branding myself for life due to a 90s sitcom doesn’t seem a huge deal, in the grand scheme of things, as we’ve taken the plunge and started house hunting.

This has only been made possible by a combo of the weak pound increasing my inheritance from Grandpa and stagnating property prices. Thank you, Brexit! Paradoxically, whilst poorer leave voting rural areas suffer from losing their farming subsidies, better off - urbanite - remainers benefit.

It’s a topsy turvy world. Lewis Carroll would approve.

I hope I don’t sound smug. I only have sympathy for people, less well off than myself, who will suffer the most because we were lied to. Still no sign of that 350million for the NHS?

Perhaps my privilege is shown most by me having to look up Neil Sedaka, and Jack and Chrissy but knowing who Bishop Tutu is? Quite an unusual selection of cultural references to have in one episode! The internet™ informs me that Jack and Chrissy are from an early 80s farcical American sitcom. It’s a neat way of lamp-shading the classic feel of farce about T.O.W.T.P.

Having the Friends™ host two parties to keep Rachel’s parents apart is a great idea and a fun way to show the fallout from a parents’ divorce later in life. It also gives us our first appearance of Rachel’s dad (and a few great Gunther moments to boot). The, slightly terrifying, Ron Leibman is impressive as Dr. Leonard Green, somehow managing to make even such an unlikeable character comical.

This all culminates in Joey kissing Rachels mother (it’s like him and Ross are having some sort of competition – though, surprisingly, there was more passion between Ross and Chandlers mother).

I find it weird how awkward Joey is with people he’s slept with. Going so far as to ban them from the party guest-list. We never had problems remaining civil over such things in my early twenties. Maybe he’s just an asshole about it?

If you ask me Rachel’s mum dodged a bullet there...

What I find really strange though is that T.O.W.T.P. moves forward with the divorce story in the same week I’ve discovered one of my Real Live Friends is a divorcee. And they didn’t even see fit to mention it until 6 months after the fact!

It’s probably the most dramatic story I’ve heard, up there with the Mindy/Barry/Rachel triangle.

The poor guy was dumped, with little to no explanation, until one day his mother went to collect some things from the house – only to find his brother-in-law stepping out of the shower! Two marriages destroyed with one betrayal, I feel terrible for him and his sister. Still he seemed OK when I noticed his lack of ring and it finally came up. We both ended up laughing in incredulity at it all. It is true what they say: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

For my own Real Live Sitcom Moment it has to be a recent cycling crash. I was unable to break in time as a car in front turned left. Miraculously I managed to hit the side and roll off onto the pavement, somehow, completely unscathed.

It seems appropriate, given how I am suddenly hurtling through life – first tattoo AND house hunting – that I have now essentially become the dog that ran into my car almost two years ago!