Glory be! We’re allowed to have six people over! The number six clearly chosen as it’s the number of Friends™.

It’s the perfect number for a little gathering really, keeps things moving without anyone having to take the lead too much. And gave us a good excuse to see some people again without it overwhelming my heavily pregnant wife. Or setting me off into a spiral of agoraphobia and social anxiety.

So Ross, Rachel, David the Science Guy, and Mrs David the Science Guy came round for a much needed chat.

Pictured: Mrs David the Science Guy

After all the Zooming, it was great to see they still have bodies as well as faces! And we were able to fully enjoy the British summer. Sitting two meters apart in my garden under golfing umbrellas, discussing whether an umbrella acting as a lightning rod would be more or less deadly than Covid-19.

 “The One Where I Try to Help”

Fittingly, the bulk of this episode is the Friends™ sitting in an apartment watching TV.

Joey’s landed a part on Law and Order™, which, as Phoebe points out, should actually be “Order and Law”. #RachelAndRossNotRossAndRachel

Joey’s grandma seems to have survived the wave of Covid that’s swept the Earth, so she’s round to watch the episode too. Don’t worry; I’m making her sit outside under one of the umbrellas. Not cause of Covid, I just don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t know.

Is this the first time a grandparent’s been in the show? That’s alive anyway. I remember Monica and Ross’s grandma. The first time the show suggested it could do more than just comedy.

Phoebe’s grandma has featured before too. I’d completely forgotten about that!

I even missed her funeral!! It was only two months ago, when I was a little caught up in my own problems… I am a bad Friend™

Deciding to have a kid has already impacted our ability to see friends and family. Yep, that’s the only reason we’re feeling isolated... And here we are at nine months, as Chandler and Monica celebrate their ten month anniversary! Bit of an odd anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Has it really been that long? Good on you guys, I hope you’ve been enjoying all those private moments between the panels.

They seem pretty secure. Monica doesn’t give a fig that Chandler’s flirting with a pizza delivery woman.

Is he really flirting? I said not, but my wife says yes. Given I’ve barely seen anyone for three months I’d probably consider eye contact flirting at this point. God I’ve missed talking to other people.

But, in a way, if I’ve managed to miss people like Ross it’s worth it. God he’s the worst. That poor pizza lady’s just trying to do her job without being creeped on!

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

With all that’s going on I decided to try and do something to help!

A month back I saw they’re doing a trial to see if blood plasma from people with Covid antibodies can help those afflicted. “Hey, I’ve got those!” I thought. I’ve got antibodies, uncle-bodies, you name it. Step right up!

I was ready to help out, and most importantly finally had an excuse to go somewhere other than my house! Unfortunately that place was Luton.

But I got there, they were very nice and ran me through all the questions they needed to ask, the risks to me, and how much I was a God damn hero that was gonna save us all. Ok, Ok. I might have imagined the last part.

They hooked me up to the machine, and we laughed and joked as I gradually had a small amount of blood removed, separated into its constituent parts, and some of them returned to me. “This is super cool” I thought.

I was wrong.

Halfway through the procedure I settled down to play some Love Island: The Game™. The second my thumb touched the phone I felt a little faint. Was this just Levi making me swoon after all that grafting? No. No, it was not. The nurses swung into action, reclining my chair, getting me some water, all that great caring stuff we’re clapping for every week. But I didn’t seem to be feeling much better.

After a while the decision was taken to stop the procedure. I was still conscious but shivering with a heavy feeling in my chest, and a little metallic taste in my mouth. This suggested a bad reaction to the anti-coagulant, a common response with no cause for concern, but it meant I’d be sitting in the chair for a few hours more than I expected.

“Oh God” I thought “what if my wife goes into labour?!” and I’m here, unable to drive. And worst of all, in Luton.

Things hadn’t been helped by me eating only a pack of ccrisps for lunch… Of all the days to return to my pre-lockdown eating habits. OBVIOUSLY having blood taken without a big lunch would cause a problem. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

I’m not going to lie, spending three hours uncontrollably shivering and shaking was pretty scary. If not as scary as thinking what my wife would say if she DID go into labour.

But it’s not often your body let’s you down like that. Ever since getting Corona I’ve been acting like I’m invincible, and this was a pretty horrible reminder that I’m not. Timed perfectly to match my 31st birthday.

That’s the last time I ever try to do something nice.

“Tapegate” was over pretty quick in the end.

Please excuse the “gate” suffix overuse. Given our drive was blocked it’s more appropriate than usual…

But yes, the neighbours took the tape down without the need for any awkward convos. Maybe it was an ill thought out expression of solidarity with the police? Clapping for carers is one thing. But kettling our yard for #AllLiveMatter would be a whole different, errr kettle of fish.

Speaking of fish, we now have a new neighbour related problem. Like a hydra rearing a second head after you removed the first. Well after the first fell off of its own accord because you were scared to talk to the hydra in case it had guns.

This isn’t to compare sitting at home watching Netflix™ to the trials of Hercules. More like the “Disney+ free trial of Hercules?” Am I right?

What was I saying? Sorry my heads getting increasingly scattergun. For all the talk of lockdown joy, I think the brain farts I had under control pre-lockdown are back. Dodgy memory, lack of concentration, being easily distracted. It’s not so much brain farts as brain I.B.S.

It’s almost as if they were linked to spending hour after hour with a screen… Whilst we wait for the baby, pretty much all of my decisions for the last two months can be summed up as:

So yes friends, I AM excited the babies nearly here. If only to break the monotony.

“The One With all the Fish”

There is finally a glimmer of hope, the lockdown has eased slightly. So we’ve been able to see family!

We went for a “socially distanced” BBQ at my parents. Or “socially distended” as my phone keeps insisting. “Socially distended” is apt actually. Despite not seeing dad for months he decided he’d had enough within an hour and disappeared back to his TV room! It’s good some things haven’t changed.

It was amazing seeing everyone again. Particularly my nephew who’s already walking! And fair play to him for only seeing me as often as Ben shows up. It was nice to reconnect. After a little coaxing, I even got him to race me in the garden! Setting us up for a lifetime of competition that I cannot possibly win.

Hopefully he ends up as cool as the actor who played Ben, who this week was one of many #BlackLivesMatter protestors arrested for peacefully protesting in the U.S.

I’m not entirely sure how we got to the point where PEACEFUL protestors are getting arrested. But I don’t think a silly blog about Friends™ is the best medium to address this latest twist in “2020: The End Times”.

Also, just to give my wife some more worries, WOW Ben grew up hot.

Ross fawning over his cuteness now seems less the action of an irritating parent and more a vision of the future.

One thing that is emphatically not cute is Chandlers tie. AGAIN.

Jesus, Chandler… can’t you get Rachel to take you on a shopping trip?! It’s not like YOU’RE locked down.

Ok, Rachel is a little busy. Trying to work her way in with her new boss by taking up smoking. I swore I recognised this boss like the one she interviewed with… but again it’s me remembering them from Friends™. I wonder if this Déjà vu will get worse as we get nearer to the end of the series?

What’s really weird though is just this week Ross Number 2 said he’d had a cheeky cigarette at a socially distanced meeting with his boss! Ross Number 2, Chandler Number 1, and now gunning to be Rachel Number 3 too. How greedy!

Stealing the spotlight is a pretty Rachel thing it turns out. She’s got a surprise birthday party, and it’s my birthday too!

They’re throwing her a party that’s such a big surprise it’s a month early. I quite like the idea of that. Giving someone a birthday party at a random time of the year, like they’re the Queen or something. But Rachel’s stolen the spotlight from Chandler too, as his birthday is sooner. I love that he just wouldn’t mention that while they’re planning the party. Chandler you’re a better man than I.

What did I do for my birthday you ask? My last birthday of freedom before parenthood? My last ever opportunity to have it large without having to take my child’s needs into consideration?

Absolutely fuck all.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

FISH!

Yes. That was it.

The last few mornings we’ve come downstairs to mysteriously shredded cat treat pouches on our carpet.

Was he getting them out a bin somewhere? Surely no one was giving a full pack of cat treats to him every night?!

So I stayed up late one night, and sure enough, in he came through the cat flap with a FULL pack of treats, already opened at the top. I confiscated his haul and went to bed, determined to find out who’s feeding my cat! Only to come down in the morning to yet another destroyed pouch!

I think someone might be leaving a window open in the heat… and, oh my god, I’ve raised a Cat Burglar!