After the one with all the Thanksgivings, I’ve been thinking about what I’m thankful for.

My wife, house, cats, even job! Everything's falling in place.

The Friends™, too, are more comfortable with themselves now they’re in their 30s (with the exception of Ross…).

It’s peculiar though, most of the silly little markers of “success” that society judges us by, the house, the pets, a long-term partner, aren’t in place for the Friends™ yet.

Most of my Real Live Friends, if not completely set-up, are at least in long term relationships. “Moving forward”.

But, despite having their shit together career wise, the Friends™ are either in the early days of a relationship (Chandler, Monica, and Rachel) or single still (the other three).

I suppose it’s a reminder the castles we build ourselves are only made of glass, and, like Ross, we could lose it at any time. I am truly thankful that hasn’t happened to me.

But still, no matter how many coincidences happen, my identity being stolen, the dog episode, my half-brother, with each passing season my life gets less and less like the Friends™.

Ross’s son, Phoebe birthing triplets. We are not shown the reality of their family life. The impact it has on them is barely touched upon.

What I’m trying to say is… we’ve got a new thing to be thankful for.

We’re having a baby!

 “The One With the Big News”

Yep, like Joey, I’m sick of keeping secrets. And this episode (despite the Ross sandwich stuff we ALL remember) deals largely with the increasing difficulty of keeping Chanica a secret. Their flagrant sexual behaviour is spiralling out of control and Joey keeps taking the fall.

I’ve said it before but Joey is a damn good friend. Appearing like a pervert to cover for Mondler’s sexual exploration. Now, I get the “giving sexy pictures” thing. It’s so easy now I’m sure we ALL do that. And, it’s charmingly retro seeing Monica’s is a Polaroid™. But making a “home movie” together? I only know one person who’s admitted to that, who will remain anonymous, but earned A LOT of Joey points after offering to show me theirs if I made one with someone.

I wonder if any of my other Real Live Friends have done this?

Answers on a USB stick please.

To be honest it’s been almost as long since we found out about we're going to be parents as Chandler and Monica have been together. I hope you can forgive me for sitting on this one for so long?

Like Chandler and Monica, we needed something that was just ours. To experience it together. Free from the work of David Crane and Marta Kauffman. If you will indulge me, consider it me positioning my wife cleverly behind pieces of set to hide the bump. Which is better than replacing her with another actress.

It was little tough hiding it from the Real Live Friends. We were very open about the decision to start trying. This led to a particularly awkward lunch when it was too early to say yet David the Science Guy flat out asked if it had happened yet. Despite my stunned silence people seemed genuinely surprised when we came out the baby closet a few weeks later.

Cannibal Boss is the only one who claims to have guessed, after seeing a picture of my wife not drinking on Instagram™. Which, if you know my wife, is a pretty big tell.

It’s been a very exciting time!

And particulary nice telling those other outliers who’ve been our canaries down the mine (including my sister). They mostly all looked relieved to not have to go through the horror of parenthood alone.

It’s not long now till we’ll be taking our first “Lamaze class”. You can tell what sort of parent I’m going to be from the fact I had to Google™ that to understand Phoebe’s joke about her new English Literature classes having a less painful final exam.

Also, another bizarre throwaway line, Phoebe once stabbed a cop?!

Forget Joey™, Young Sheldon™, even a Friends™ reunion, what we REALLY need is a Phoebe prequel. Maybe they could do more stuff with her past lives a la Blackadder™?

Phoebe’s pissed because Rachel stole her analysis of Wuthering Heights™. There’s a lot of that about, as Ross has discovered.

You know what? I’d get JUST as annoyed as Ross if someone took my sandwich.

I’m possessive at the best of times, but with all these pregnancy hormones (OK, not MY hormones) I’m feeling pretty protective at the moment. WHO THE HELL STEALS SOMEONE’S LUNCH?!? Ross is the one who’s been wronged here and HE’s the one who gets tranquilised, and given a leave of absence. Maybe’s it’s all the emotions I’m feeling at the moment but I’m properly sad seeing Ross’s breakdown. Especially as everyone else is doing so well…

My protectiveness came to the fore on a train journey recently. We were travelling back from London with my wife’s parents. An absolute arsehole barged on and, after a few angry words were exchanged between him and my father – in – law, did a move that I can only describe as a “fake headbutt”. As my father – in – law dodged backwards, the sardines responded like some awesome wave, voices raised further, and my wife shrieked “I’m pregnant”.

I’m not ashamed to say I went “Red Ross”, finger prodding the guys shoulder and saying something I imagine to be very cool like “I’M THE MOTHER FUCKING BATMAN” but which probably sounded more like “errm, excuse me, sir, could you please calm the fuck down?”.

Fortunately, before I could get the shit kicked out of me, an undercover cop flashed their badge and calmed the situation. And we took what I imagine will be my worst thirty minute journey, until we have to make our way to the hospital in five months time.

But whenever my wife pulls me up on being too relaxed about the pregnancy, or I have no answer when she asks to hear my worries, it’s because I now know what sort of parent I’m going to be.

One who will protect his child no matter what.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Another fun thing I haven’t said yet about Christmas™!

My sister-in-law has taken up boxing! (It’s good to know I can hide behind her next time there’s a coked up loon on the train).

My wife got her a pair of gloves, with a matching pair for her 7 year old, who’s getting to that “punchy” stage. Their brother’s newly purchased house had an unfurnished living room, so we had our own makeshift arena… which lead to one of the best Christmases™ EVER, as we were free to spend the afternoon punching the crap out of each other. (With the obvious exception of my wife).

It’s fair to say my brother-in-law got his own back for me impregnating his sister:

A bit of sad news to end the year on.

Allee Willis, who wrote the much loved “I’ll Be There For You” passed away over Christmas.
I don’t know why but I always thought the Rembrandts had written it themselves.

At least I now know it was by Allee, who also wrote (the absolute tune) ‘September’ by Earth, Wind and Fire.

Rest in Peace Allee, thanks for helping make Friends™ one of the most beloved shows of all time!

Let’s all do four claps in her memory.

“The One Where I Have a Little Holiday Part 2”

Our own Christmas™, thankfully, passed without incident.

Well, I say that. After all the feasting was over (I know how the friends feel after Monica’s meal!), and after all the games, my brother-in-law and I sat down to drunkenly enjoy Bad Santa 2™. We decided to make it our new tradition, after watching the first film last time.

Unfortunately his parenting duties took over as my nephew was a little ill. And I was left alone to contemplate the responsibilities parenthood brings.

After it became apparent he wasn’t coming back and that we’d have to continue our Bad Santa Fest next year I went up to bed thinking everything was fine.

It wasn’t until the next morning we found out everything was less than fine and my poor sister and brother-in-law had had to call out an Ambulance and spend the night in A and E! Fortunately my nephew is now fine, but I can’t believe we both slept through it all! Hopefully that will be their worst ever Christmas™. It certainly rivals any of the Friends’ experiences at Thanksgiving!

At least no-one got their head stuck in a Turkey. There’s always next year…

Oh wait, hang on. We’re finally here! It’s Turkey head time!!

I’d forgotten quite how much great stuff was in this episode. Fat Monica, Rachel’s Nose Job, Chandler’s Flock of Seagulls hair. Even a weird Python-esque flashback of Phoebe’s past life.

I don’t believe in any of that nonsense, except I do sometimes think I may have been a shell-shocked soldier, there’s something about fireworks I just can’t get on board with. Hrrm. Maybe Phoebe might have treated my wounds?

All this fun is slightly marred by Chandler’s flashback. It’s understandable he’s upset about his parents’ divorce. But it’s a shame they use this set-up for a cheap joke about a flamboyant pool-boy. I could have done without that.

Much like Christmas™ dinner, the highlight really is the turkey stuffing. Even if Mr Bean™ did it first!

The incident itself takes place in 1992, placing it two years before season one. It’s weird to think the show misses out the whole first half of their 20s... Given it’s such a turbulent period; you’d think they would have mined it more for material!

Jesus Christ. I just checked Facebook™ to see what I was up to in my equivalent of 1992. There was no turkey incident, but I had inexplicably made my profile picture David the Science Guy.

Maybe this obsession goes deeper than I thought?! I suppose one of the good things about Facebook™ is if you ever want to get a snapshot of what you were doing at a certain point you can go back and revise your life. And the bad thing is when it turns out you’re a loser who’s wasted their life. Aside from the profile picture, it seems I was mostly making terrible music, and having terrible facial hair.

Why do I feel like I’ve just been slammed by Friends™?

At this point, I should probably just be grateful I’ve still got all my toes. Aside from Chandler ALSO having a trip to A and E, it’s weird him having a toe missing hasn’t been brought up in 5 years, right? And also that Monica was responsible. And also, why is he only getting annoyed at her now?! Sure, it leads to turkey head, but maybe this is a little too convenient? Particularly when it’s revealed Chandler is both the reason Monica became a Chef AND lost a dangerous amount of weight in one year.

It’s a bit like when Star Wars Origins: A Solo Story™ went out of its way to over explain every tiny detail of Han Solo’s life.

Oh, that was a close one. Just realised I almost missed reviewing the new Star Wars™ this year!

2.75 Stars.

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

Following our disastrous attempt at a Halloween™ party, we had another crack with New Years™.

This time I was a bit more cautious.

Perhaps too cautious…

We made a Facebook™ event, but realised none of my Real Live Friends had clicked attending. We decided to make sure people genuinely had other plans (I mean fair enough, we did spend a whole week together last New Years!). And when it seemed that was the case, we moved the party to my wife’s mates for convenience.

Queue, both my boss’s and David the Science Guy messaging me the day before the party to check on the details! Oh god. How did I forget to ask them?! I apologised about the change of plans and fortunately they were able to find new things to do.

Although my boss was pretty miffed, as he’d already bought his Drag makeup.

Oh yerh, I forgot to mention. It was Ru Paul’s Drag Race™ themed. To make matters worse, I somehow bought a bottle of white instead of red. And had to make an emergency trip to the off-licence by our old flat in full drag.

The poor lady at the checkout must have been very confused. She doesn’t see me for a year and then I show up dressed like that. To be fair, my wife did my makeup so well I don’t think she noticed it was me. Until I uttered my customary “oh, I don’t need a bag thank you”, saw the penny drop, and made a hasty exit.

Happy New Year!