There’s still a hole in our fence.

Yep, that wasn’t some tortured metaphor, Storm Dennis literally blew a gaping hole in our fence. The second of three major storms within a month. And as usual, the second one in the trilogy proved to be the most potent.

Maybe the current (rather lacklustre) storm (1.5 stars) could redo the damage if the fence had been fixed in time? We’ll never know. I suspect not, as we all know, the third one is always the worst.

I’ve already spoke to several companies about getting it fixed. And was ready to go with what I considered the best option. But the second I confirmed the date THEY suggested they disappeared! Like Keyser Soze in reverse.

I wouldn’t mind being ghosted, but it seems a little more offensive when it’s being done by a fencing company instead someone you actually fancy. I just want a fence! I wasn’t trying to slip one inside him.

I'm starting to think I may as well do it myself! I wouldn’t have minded if they simply weren’t free anymore. But now I look completely stupid because I insisted we go for these guys over my wife’s (slightly cheaper) pick because they “seemed more professional”.

Ah well, at least it makes it easier to go to the shops.
 
“The One Where It’s the Start of a New Decade”

Like most things at the moment I’m still behind Friends™ too. Really won’t be surprised if our baby’s late if they’re anything like me.

The Friends™ are doing new years and heading into 1999. Not quite the EXCITEMENT of a new decade that we all feel. Right? Ok, maybe not. Seeing the lack of excitement, it’s hard to belief we’re the generation who watched our parents lose their shit over the millennium bug.

The Friends™ are a lot more excited about New Years. All getting into the spirit of things with typically ridiculous resolutions. Chandler not making mean jokes, Monica taking more pictures, Phoebe stealing a plane.

Strangely out of those three Monica’s seems the most outlandish. You’d be hard-pressed today to find someone wanting to take LESS selfies.

Seeing how far behind with things I am I reckon I’d struggle with Ross’s the most. Do one new thing every day. EVERY DAY. God Ross, I know you’ve got a lot of time on your hands with the divorce and job-loss, but take it easy, dude. Last time I tried something new I ended up getting punched in the face by my wife’s brother.

I did briefly consider taking up boxing after that (and why not, it was Boxing Day…) but now the only boxing I’m doing is chucking away the boxes our baby furniture came in.

Like most of us, Ross’s resolution fails pretty quick after the infamous incident with the leather trousers.

I really don’t know why he thought ringing Joey in that situation would help?

And Rachel finds out about Chanica too! Alas, we’ll have to wait till next time to see how that turns out, as her resolution is to no longer gossip…

It all adds up to a pretty classic episode. Not bad for number eleven!

As it’s the start of a new decade, I thought it might be nice to take this opportunity to look back at some of the Real Live Friends we’ve lost along the way. And why not, it is Oscars™ season…

I always said at the start I expected my friendships to be more flexible than the cliquey Friends™. Fortunately I’ve done a lot better at holding onto people than I thought! Even managing to meet up on occasion with the people I love who don’t easily fit into one of my social circles.

Looking at my list of people “lucky” enough to have been given a character, I’ve only lost a couple.

I haven’t seen my Phoebe Number 2 since leaving my old job. Perhaps giving them a character was a little ambitious given I only ever saw them at work? But still, we got on very well, and I do sometimes think of trying to get in touch again.

Less of a loss is Chandler Number 4. An old Real Live Friend who only briefly returned to sleep with my sister. I’m sure I’d enjoy a catch up, just next time not when I come downstairs to have breakfast, only to find he’s been up all night with my sister.

But this is the biggie...

Joey Number 1.

Since being a very BAD Joey and getting an exciting high profile job they’ve completely slipped off the radar.

We’re all sure they’re doing well, but it would be nice if they came to just one social event. Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I spoke with them, it might even be over a year! Oh, Joey –oh, Joey, oh, where for art thou? Joey, oh…

This is not good. With all the Friends™ making resolutions, I’ll have to try and make an effort to arrange a catch up. I mean, I’d do it anyway.

Wouldn’t I?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

If my real life was a sitcom, this would be a bit of a sentimental episode. We’ve been putting together the baby’s room. We got a painter in (no ghosting from them…) stuck up stickers, made the cot, but when it came to the chest of drawers I insisted I did it myself.

Not out of any toxic masculinity, I just thought it would be nice to give my wife a break. Or, that’s what I pretended, really I just wanted to listen to my own music.

I thought I had a good handle on it (no pun intended) until I was about to have a tea break and realised I’d put on every single one of the brackets for the shelves an inch too close to the edge. Personally, I consider it a design flaw that it was possible to do this, but had to take responsibility when my wife asked how it was going.

“Well, you know how an hour ago I’d done steps 1 and 2? Now I’ve done step 3! But I have to do steps 1 and 2 again.”

Maybe I shouldn’t try and fix the fence myself?

Eurgh, more of this Rachel and Danny stuff?

This is the Friends™ equivalent of someone banging on about their Tindr™ dates. It’s all so far removed from my own life!

This’ll be how my mates feel when I show them baby scan pictures…

At least they’ve finally gone on a date! If only for Rachel to find he and his sister are way too “handsy”.

Like Monica and Ross, our own families no longer wrestle. Just punch each other in the face.

Ross has rapidly forgotten that Joey did some “inappropriate wrestling” with HIS sister. You’d think there’d be more fallout from that? (It’s almost like the other characters know it isn’t true.)

Perhaps Ross has got more important things on his mind now he’s on sabbatical?

But it’s strange that, immediately after losing his job AND finding out Joey “slept” with Monica, Ross is putting all his energy into helping Joey; who’s writing a play following an (all too brief) visit to Estelle.

 “The One Where I Tell My Family (About the baby, not that I've spend over four years blogging about Friends™)”

Monica Number 2 is still as relaxed as Ross about their unemployment. More so, if anything.

I’ve already proposed they could be considered a Rachel, and now they’re gunning heavily for Ross too (Number 4 I think it is?). I’m not sure if this makes them the most rounded of my Real Live Friends? Or some horrendous Frankenstein’s Monster…

Ross has certainly got a lot of time on his hands, but the others seem just as free and easy.

It’s a sharp contrast to my life: working hard, getting everything ready for the baby, and trying to keep the house clean. Hey, Monica Number 2 ! Fancy clearing out my fridge?

Chandler and Joey are inventing silly games; flicking an egg into a bowl with a spoon, hammer darts™, fireball™. It reminds me of the time Monica Number 2 accidentally made a hole in Cannibal Bosses wall at a house party. No hammer darts involved, I think they were trying to climb up the corridor? They really are a person of many personas. Monica… Ross… Spiderman.

And Phoebe’s out there bell ringing. Bell ringing? In February?! What is she like…

Wait… am I wrong… How has this happened!?! Could it be I’ve fallen so far behind the Friends™ are stuck in Christmas™ whilst I’m at Valentines Day™?!

I knew my entries were slipping… but can I really have let things get this bad in the excitement of the baby?

Maybe, and it pains me to say it. Maybe, I just don’t care as much anymore?

Maybe I’ve just got better things to do?

If the Friends™ are constantly looking for distractions, like bell ringing, writing a play, Ultimate Fireball™.

Then I am craving the opposite. It seems now life, with all its Netflix™, smartphones, and “adulting” is one big distraction. Rather than looking for things to do in boredom, we look for boredom. And long for a holiday where we can do nothing. Idly looking into space without having a screen in front of us. Finding a moment of emptiness, snatched between the trip to buy the pram, and the need to fix your fence because a “hurricane” blew a hole in it and now everyone walking past can see you writing a blog in your dressing gown.

And in amongst that there’s Real Live Friends. Ultimate Fireball™. The things you want to do for no real reason other than because you can. And maybe it might entertain your friends for a short while. Friends already overstuffed on entertainment. Like chicks being force-fed grain to make Foie Gras.

But I will continue! I’m sure I’ll have ample time to get back on schedule once the babies here (… he lied).

Maybe I could get Monica Number 2 to be my own Ross? To make me put the work in, give me a schedule, be my Mr Motivator™.

Not that it works out for Ross and Joey, all it does is cause an argument between Chandler and Ross!

Joey fixes it though, by making his play about them and getting them to read it out for him.

Honestly. What kind of loser puts their friends in their grand creative project?

Real Live Sitcom Moment:

This is from a while back. There’s a lot to catch up on now the baby is out in the open.

It was a day of great excitement as the time had come to tell my family!

We gathered them for dinner, nerves building as I tried desperately to get everyone in the same room at the same time. It was like Christmas™! But if you had to wait 7 months to open your present.

I’d planned it all out, knew what I was going to say. Everyone was there, even my baby nephew, oblivious to the news he was about to get his first cousin.

My moment was here.

“I SUPPOSE YOU’VE WONDERED WHY I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE” I said excitedly.

God, I’d always wanted to say that to a room full of people… but before I could bask in the moment of glory and deliver the big news itself I was interrupted by dad.

“Shhh, what you shouting for? You’ll disturb your nephew.”

The moment gone and, thoroughly embarrassed, I let my wife give them the news instead.